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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour from MIL

50 replies

lightthefire · 05/11/2023 22:11

I have been married to DH for 12 years, he came into our lives when my children were 9 and 12. He has supported them in every way, they adore him and he them. They are still super close into adulthood.

My MIL/FIL and DH siblings have never had much to do with my kids. Probably seen them about 5 times in the whole time we've been together. She says she can not accept them as part of her family as they are not blood related, therefore not her grandchildren, and I think the rest of the family follow suit for a quiet life.

She also has told DH many times that he can't possibly know what it's like to be a parent as they are not blood related to him so it's not the same.

I have become numb to this narrative as I have heard it so many times. But on a recent catch up she had with DH she said it all again and I just don't get it. How can she not acknowledge them and everything her DS has done to support them and not be proud of that?

OP posts:
KitchenSinkLlama · 06/11/2023 08:37

I don't understand the 'blood' relationship issue with people like this woman. Ffs she isn't blood related to her husband is she?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 06/11/2023 08:40

“Blood” people are so weird to me. Instead of grieving that she missed out on your children’s babyhoods but had them in her life as teens and adults, MIL has chosen to grieve non-existent, hypothetical blood grandchildren. What a waste!

Gloriously · 06/11/2023 08:40

Perhaps because he'd like some support from his wife? Perhaps his mother had upset him?

Perhaps because his nasty DM has continuously over 12 years nastily undermined and excluded his wife and SCs - he should protect them from her words and actions and deal with her himself directly. Unless deep down / subconsciously he feels she has a point and has regrets.

AutumnCrow · 06/11/2023 08:42

OhComeOnFFS · 06/11/2023 08:30

Perhaps because he'd like some support from his wife? Perhaps his mother had upset him?

Show quote history

And how’s that going for him?

GodspeedJune · 06/11/2023 08:44

Do your children have a relationship with their paternal grandparents?

I must admit for me, we each have 4 grandparents and that’s it. I have two sets of in-laws who have each remarried and I don’t consider the new wife/ husband as a grandparent.

getfreddynow · 06/11/2023 08:45

You said on a recent catch up. Were you there? Or is your husband reporting back?. If the latter, why? He needs to have dealt with this a long time ago.

DoktorPeppa · 06/11/2023 08:51

9 and 12 is quite grown up and then count in another year or 2 because presumably you didn't rush to introduce them to your DH let alone his mother...I think it's completely understandable that she wouldn't consider them as grandchildren. She could keep that to herself though!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/11/2023 08:53

porridgeisbae · 06/11/2023 00:31

Why did he tell you that when that would only upset you?

Because a trouble shared is a trouble halved.

Drttc · 06/11/2023 08:58

The way I read the ‘bloodline’ comment is I think she meant genetics rather than purity. For example, where health and physical attributes may have come from. I once had a very scary health scare that was identified because of a physical ‘anomaly’. Couldn’t sleep for days. Spoke to a maternal auntie eventually she pointed out it was something that ran in the family, has been thoroughly investigated, and is harmless for us!

My eyes are like my maternal grandmother’s eyes, my nose is like my paternal grandmother, and I have my father’s toes (which are very distinctive and the only thing myself and older half brother have in common lol!!).

It’s nice to know where you come from, and many people eventually (whether a child, young adult, or in later life) become curious about this and ‘who they are’ - at the very least to understand risk factors for mental or physical health issues.

That said - this MIL is so rude and needs to stop hurting her son and his family!!

Doopydoo · 06/11/2023 09:00

I would tell your husband that, in future, you don’t want to know what your nasty MIL says about your children.
Awful attitude.

porridgeisbae · 06/11/2023 09:35

Because a trouble shared is a trouble halved.

For the person sharing it maybe, temporarily, in that moment. After that it's just a trouble both people have. Misery loves company I guess, but I don't think it was considerate or helpful for the DH to say the MiL had said that about OP's kids.

honeylulu · 06/11/2023 09:43

She can't help how she feels but she's rude and tactless to keep saying it. Banging on won't miraculously create genetic grandchildren for her.

But why is your DH repeating all this stuff to you? You don’t need to hear it and it hurts you. Did he want more children with you but you didn't? I'm wondering if he's conveying his disappointment to you through the mouthpiece of his mother.

Ikeatears · 06/11/2023 12:50

Drttc · 06/11/2023 08:58

The way I read the ‘bloodline’ comment is I think she meant genetics rather than purity. For example, where health and physical attributes may have come from. I once had a very scary health scare that was identified because of a physical ‘anomaly’. Couldn’t sleep for days. Spoke to a maternal auntie eventually she pointed out it was something that ran in the family, has been thoroughly investigated, and is harmless for us!

My eyes are like my maternal grandmother’s eyes, my nose is like my paternal grandmother, and I have my father’s toes (which are very distinctive and the only thing myself and older half brother have in common lol!!).

It’s nice to know where you come from, and many people eventually (whether a child, young adult, or in later life) become curious about this and ‘who they are’ - at the very least to understand risk factors for mental or physical health issues.

That said - this MIL is so rude and needs to stop hurting her son and his family!!

Edited

I agree that knowing your genetic history is important. As an adoptee, especially as I've got older, my family medical has become more important. It's also fascinating to see physical (and personality) attributes that I share with my biological family. This is one of the main reasons that I traced both my maternal and paternal families.
However, this is not what this is about. Genetics alone should not dictate who is 'worthy' of being considered family.
I no have a good relationship with a few of my paternal biological family and I consider them just as much part of my life as I do my adopted family and my created family. I have no relationship with my maternal side and none with either of my parents. If I was to list my family, they wouldn't be considered. No hatred, no judgment, they just aren't people who have ever been, or likely ever will be, in my life. They aren't my family. I'm glad I've met them though and I'm glad I could learn about my genetic history and see the family resemblances. It doesn't make them my family. Time, love, acceptance, care, shared experiences, both good and bad, those are things that make a family...blood makes people, not relationships...

Riverlee · 06/11/2023 12:54

it takes time to form relationships, so had thus been one or two years in, fair enough. However, over a decade later, she’s the one that is missing out. It’s sad that she can’t acknowledge what a great dad he’s been.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/11/2023 13:03

This is so sad. I met my DH when my DD was 8 and for the past 22 years he's been the only father she's known. It would break my heart if my MIL had this attitude.

wellAverage · 06/11/2023 13:09

There's probably a long technical explanation but the short version, in layman's terms is that she's a cunt

Ikeatears · 06/11/2023 13:17

wellAverage · 06/11/2023 13:09

There's probably a long technical explanation but the short version, in layman's terms is that she's a cunt

🤣

Redleaves1 · 06/11/2023 20:56

@wellAverage I’ve one of these “cunts” also.

Dacadactyl · 06/11/2023 20:59

She sounds awful. And I usually stick up for MILs on here.

HappierTimesAhead · 06/11/2023 21:02

wellAverage · 06/11/2023 13:09

There's probably a long technical explanation but the short version, in layman's terms is that she's a cunt

Best post award goes to @wellAverage 😂

IncognitoMam · 06/11/2023 21:06

My Mil is lovely and adores my now adult dss. They're not dh's. I adore my step dgcs. Can't imagine being so bitter.
She needs to get a life and stop harping on about it. And why's he telling you?

junbean · 06/11/2023 21:09

This is a her problem! And totally out of line. It's sad though, when she's the one missing out. I'd love to have extended family like that. The more the merrier in my book.

coldcallerbaiter · 06/11/2023 21:11

She should be nice to you all, that is just rude. But they are not her gc

dies she have other gc?

gc are a life plan for many people as it continues the line. But that’s not your fault or problem it’s hers

xyz111 · 06/11/2023 21:29

She sounds awful. Yes they're not blood related, but you could still be nice and friendly towards them. Agree with others, she sounds upset he doesn't have his own children.

Tigger1895 · 06/11/2023 21:55

I’d be telling DH to stop talking about it with them. It sounds like he has stood up for you and the children but they aren’t going to change their opinion and he needs to accept that, it’s giving him anxiety at this stage.
I’d step back from his relationship with them, however it doesn’t sound like they value his decision over their views and he might be the one to cut the connection

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