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Original poster

Considering breaking up...total mess...

40 replies

Rainonme93 · 05/11/2023 21:55

I am 30 and own a house with my partner (M 32). We have been together almost 5 years, he is on a significantly higher salary than me and therefore pays for the majority of the bills although our mortgage is paid 50/50 each month. For the most part, we have a great relationship, we always have a laugh together and rarely argue. However we rarely kiss or cuddle and are very rarely intimate, probably on average once every two months. This is almost always initiated by me and it really gets me down. I know that an element of this is normal in cohabiting or long-term couples but our relationship has really started to feel like a good friendship on my part.

This has also been going on for almost the entire duration of our relationship. I have brought this up a few times and have cried my eyes out in front of him but nothing ever changes. To make matters worse, if I ever bring it up now, he becomes defensive and tells me to stop having a go at him. All of this has made me somewhat give up on the notion of ever reigniting any chemistry we ever had.

I have lost a lot of weight post lockdown and I have been on the receiving end of male attention which has felt good. I have never crossed the line and cheated on my partner but I have definitely been having flirty conversations with men on nights out with friends and I have been texting a guy who I was dating from years ago from time to time.

I love my home, my partner and my lifestyle and can't envision what would happen to me if I were to split up with him. I love my house and I am so proud that we managed to buy it and renovate it after years of saving. I live in an expensive area of the country where renting a 1 bedroom flat is insanely expensive and the idea of going back into a house share after so many years fills me with utter dread! However spending the rest of my life with only small scraps of intimacy here and there also fills me with dread, especially as I'm relatively young without any baggage. Has anybody been in a similar situation and managed to turn it around?

OP posts:
Summerisawashout · 06/11/2023 06:12

This is hard. You are very young to settle for a relationship that is not intimate and fulfilling. Are you planning to have kids?

Is there a way you can talk to him without him getting defensive? Realistically, he probably won't change if it's been like this for a long time. You'll then need to think through if you're willing to stay in a relationship without intimacy.

Lots of people will say you're treating him like a meal ticket, but it's very sensible to think through the impact to your lifestyle, it won't be the same on a single income

acpk55 · 06/11/2023 07:21

I have lost a lot of weight post lockdown and I have been on the receiving end of male attention which has felt good. I have never crossed the line and cheated on my partner but I have definitely been having flirty conversations with men on nights out with friends and I have been texting a guy who I was dating from years ago from time to time.

Sorry, but it sounds like you have already checked out of the relationship, especially if you are texting an ex.

you also say
“This has also been going on for almost the entire duration of our relationship”
so you knew what he was like before buying a house together etc

as for the comment above
“Lots of people will say you're treating him like a meal ticket”,

there may be a tiny grain of truth in that, if you love your renovated house and don’t want to give it up, but are taking to an ex… if you are not happy it’s time to leave

yellowsmileyface · 06/11/2023 08:11

I see your dilemma. It's scary to think of starting back at square one when your current relationship is at least offering you some security. However, I think you're too young to settle for comfortable. You may not have cheated on your partner yet but it sounds like you're playing with fire, and it's only a matter of time if your needs continue to not be met.

I think you should give it one last shot of talking to your partner about it, making it clear that this is something you really need. If he gets defensive again then that in itself is a big problem. You really need to be able to talk about the difficult stuff with someone you plan to share your life with.

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 09:22

Summerisawashout · 06/11/2023 06:12

This is hard. You are very young to settle for a relationship that is not intimate and fulfilling. Are you planning to have kids?

Is there a way you can talk to him without him getting defensive? Realistically, he probably won't change if it's been like this for a long time. You'll then need to think through if you're willing to stay in a relationship without intimacy.

Lots of people will say you're treating him like a meal ticket, but it's very sensible to think through the impact to your lifestyle, it won't be the same on a single income

This is exactly what it is, she is staying in relationship to maintain her lifestyle and is already cheating on an unsuspecting partner. OP you are clearly lacking backbone, integrity and self respect so I doubt you will do what's right, but let's hope your partner finds out and you will be able to have all the sex you want. In a house share

Summerisawashout · 06/11/2023 09:33

Some harsh comments here, which you haven't deserved. It's not fair to expect you to stay in a relationship with no communication and no intimacy. This is definitely not your fault, I'm sure you didn't expect your partner to check out and treat you this way.

Unfortunately there isn't much middle ground, either you accept a lonely, unhappy life or you leave and lose your lifestyle. There isn't a right or wrong here, you will have to make that decision. But, please, do not consider having kids in this situation, it will make things much more difficult

Quitelikeit · 06/11/2023 09:42

I’m pretty sure that you are not happy and should not settle for this.

If you were married with children my advice would be the opposite.

Your partner may have a low sex drive, or watch porn and see to himself or worse may not find you attractive (this doesn’t mean you are unattractive) or maybe he prefers male company.

Either way these issues are his and tbh no woman would be keen on tolerating this after only a few years.

Instead of talking to him write him a text/WhatsApp tell him you are beginning to doubt the relationship as in your eye’s the relationship feels like a friendship and there is a lack of intimacy from his end. Tell him this is affecting your own self esteem and you would like him to address the situation.

If he can’t address it then you might aswell tell him you’ll stay and share the house on a friends only basis! Then go out and please yourself

DustyLee123 · 06/11/2023 09:45

End it, he’s dragging you down. And I don’t think sex once every two months is normal at your ages, especially as you don’t mention kids.

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 09:50

Quitelikeit · 06/11/2023 09:42

I’m pretty sure that you are not happy and should not settle for this.

If you were married with children my advice would be the opposite.

Your partner may have a low sex drive, or watch porn and see to himself or worse may not find you attractive (this doesn’t mean you are unattractive) or maybe he prefers male company.

Either way these issues are his and tbh no woman would be keen on tolerating this after only a few years.

Instead of talking to him write him a text/WhatsApp tell him you are beginning to doubt the relationship as in your eye’s the relationship feels like a friendship and there is a lack of intimacy from his end. Tell him this is affecting your own self esteem and you would like him to address the situation.

If he can’t address it then you might aswell tell him you’ll stay and share the house on a friends only basis! Then go out and please yourself

Oh, so she can still live in that lovely house she can't afford 😂. Nice one

Quitelikeit · 06/11/2023 10:07

I think if it works for them then why not

You do realise millions of people are together due to financial and practical ties and not because they love each other?!

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 10:12

Quitelikeit · 06/11/2023 10:07

I think if it works for them then why not

You do realise millions of people are together due to financial and practical ties and not because they love each other?!

So this is your sage advice, it's ok before others do it? I see you, morally flexible person, I see you 😁

pikkumyy77 · 06/11/2023 10:19

Oh grow up—people come to these arrangements the time. The important thing is it has to be mutually agreeable. ozp you are very young to settle gor a relationship full of sexual rejection. It will crush you, ultimately. Be upfront with your partner. If he can’t address it then figure out how to separate and move on. Thete is plenty of time to meet the love of your life.

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 10:28

pikkumyy77 · 06/11/2023 10:19

Oh grow up—people come to these arrangements the time. The important thing is it has to be mutually agreeable. ozp you are very young to settle gor a relationship full of sexual rejection. It will crush you, ultimately. Be upfront with your partner. If he can’t address it then figure out how to separate and move on. Thete is plenty of time to meet the love of your life.

Are you telling me to grow up because I'm not accepting of your opportunistic life style? How about you grow up Brenda, and learn yo be self sufficient rather than needing other people's resources to get what you want?

pikkumyy77 · 06/11/2023 10:36

I’m not Brenda. I’m actually in a very successful, 33 year, monogamous marriage l. But people with different sex drives do come to all kinds of agreements. There isn’t one right way of being together. I don’t reccomend it, myself, and think open marriages are ultimately a bad idea bit they are a perfectly acceptable way of proceeding provided everything is out in the open.

123andgo · 06/11/2023 10:42

I am worse from you down the line op. I make more money than my dp but our sex life is zero. Things have not changed, have gotten worse. We just don’t talk about this anymore. I have out weight on, quite a lot post Covid, although our sex life was finished years before that, and still get attention from men. I am sorry but have no advice for you, just to let you know you are not alone.

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 10:46

pikkumyy77 · 06/11/2023 10:36

I’m not Brenda. I’m actually in a very successful, 33 year, monogamous marriage l. But people with different sex drives do come to all kinds of agreements. There isn’t one right way of being together. I don’t reccomend it, myself, and think open marriages are ultimately a bad idea bit they are a perfectly acceptable way of proceeding provided everything is out in the open.

Edited

Oh you very successful? I'm super duper successful how about that? 😀

DustyLee123 · 06/11/2023 10:48

Are you actually using a woman’s name as a weapon ?

Seaoftroubles · 06/11/2023 10:56

OP, you are too young to settle for this kind of relationship, no matter how lovely your house is. You are more or less living as companions only and it's making you unhappy. Time for one more very clear chat about why he has no interest in sex, not to cast blame but just so you can understand. If it's just apathy and inertia then at least you know. lf its a medical issue then there are choices.
Then make a decision. Presumably, you are both on the mortgage, so unless he wants to buy you out the house can be sold and split 50/50 . I know you think you will only be able to afford a small flat but please don't choose the sunk costs fallacy over your happiness.

Newestname002 · 06/11/2023 10:57

123andgo · 06/11/2023 10:42

I am worse from you down the line op. I make more money than my dp but our sex life is zero. Things have not changed, have gotten worse. We just don’t talk about this anymore. I have out weight on, quite a lot post Covid, although our sex life was finished years before that, and still get attention from men. I am sorry but have no advice for you, just to let you know you are not alone.

Are you planning on leaving this relationship- it seems far from satisfactory for you. 🌹

SwordToFlamethrower · 06/11/2023 10:58

I spoke with my husband recently after struggling to find the words for months.

I asked him "do you have problem with initiating sex with me? Is it shyness or a lowered sex drive?"

It opened a dialogue with him and we talked it through.

Get to the bottom of why he is the way he is so you can understand one another.

You're life partners, nothing should be out of bounds, talking wise.

The goal is understanding of one another and increased closeness.

Fs365 · 06/11/2023 10:59

Summerisawashout · 06/11/2023 09:33

Some harsh comments here, which you haven't deserved. It's not fair to expect you to stay in a relationship with no communication and no intimacy. This is definitely not your fault, I'm sure you didn't expect your partner to check out and treat you this way.

Unfortunately there isn't much middle ground, either you accept a lonely, unhappy life or you leave and lose your lifestyle. There isn't a right or wrong here, you will have to make that decision. But, please, do not consider having kids in this situation, it will make things much more difficult

I don’t think the comments are particularly harsh really

im not big believer in the “reverse the gender “ game, but if a woman said she was paying 50/50 mortgage with her BF and she was paying all other bills and the BF was flirting with women and texting his ex, the “cocklodger” comments would be much more harsh

LumpySpaceCow · 06/11/2023 10:59

Hey OP,

I might have a different experience than most. I had similar issues about 12 years ago with my DH - difference is that we had a child. He was a good man, great dad but I felt constantly rejected, unloved and nearly had my head turned - I opened up to a family member and the advice I got given was that "the grass isn't always greener".

I decided to have counselling (on my own) which really helped me see things more clearly and who also gave me communication strategies that helped when talking to my DH. We had open and frank conversations - neither of us wanted the marriage we were having and so both had to work hard at what we had. For a bit, we had to actively schedule date night and sex but it then became a bit more organic - I have to say that 12 years down the line, after a few more kids, my sex drive has massively decreased and we are now matched and happy with what we have (we still kiss, cuddle, say we love each other etc).

I have been through some really tough times and DH has been a huge support and remains a loving father and husband. I am grateful that I was given that advice and didn't leave.

I'm not saying that this is the right course of action for you, I just wanted to give you a different perspective. Would individual or couples counselling help?

PierceMorgansChin · 06/11/2023 11:01

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pikkumyy77 · 06/11/2023 11:06

I don’t think its necessary to attack the OP for trying to figure out a way gorward. Pretty much all of ud are urging her to speak to her partner and figure out how to grow the relationship.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/11/2023 11:09

At 30 and five years in already, it shouldn't be like this with a potential life partner. Crying at him and nothing changing. It won't change, this is who he is, and has been since almost the start of the relationship. It's not going to work for you longer term and that's clear as you're already looking around for others. It won't be easy of course and it will be upsetting to disentangle things, but better now than at 35 when your 'clock's ticking' and you're hating each other. You absolutely shouldn't settle for the wrong guy at this point because you're scared of renting on your own, that's madness.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/11/2023 11:12

There will plenty of men who you'll be more sexually compatible with, and plenty of women who'll want it less and be happy with a DP with minimal libido. Sex isn't everything of course, but it matters to you and it is important that you aren't with the wrong partner from age 25 forever after. You have choices to make, difficult ones of course, but I think you already know the writing's on the wall. The rest is logistics.