Considering breaking up...total mess...

[Rainonme93]

I am 30 and own a house with my partner (M 32). We have been together almost 5 years, he is on a significantly higher salary than me and therefore pays for the majority of the bills although our mortgage is paid 50/50 each month. For the most part, we have a great relationship, we always have a laugh together and rarely argue. However we rarely kiss or cuddle and are very rarely intimate, probably on average once every two months. This is almost always initiated by me and it really gets me down. I know that an element of this is normal in cohabiting or long-term couples but our relationship has really started to feel like a good friendship on my part.

This has also been going on for almost the entire duration of our relationship. I have brought this up a few times and have cried my eyes out in front of him but nothing ever changes. To make matters worse, if I ever bring it up now, he becomes defensive and tells me to stop having a go at him. All of this has made me somewhat give up on the notion of ever reigniting any chemistry we ever had.

I have lost a lot of weight post lockdown and I have been on the receiving end of male attention which has felt good. I have never crossed the line and cheated on my partner but I have definitely been having flirty conversations with men on nights out with friends and I have been texting a guy who I was dating from years ago from time to time.

I love my home, my partner and my lifestyle and can't envision what would happen to me if I were to split up with him. I love my house and I am so proud that we managed to buy it and renovate it after years of saving. I live in an expensive area of the country where renting a 1 bedroom flat is insanely expensive and the idea of going back into a house share after so many years fills me with utter dread! However spending the rest of my life with only small scraps of intimacy here and there also fills me with dread, especially as I'm relatively young without any baggage. Has anybody been in a similar situation and managed to turn it around?

Nah, majority is patting her back saying its not an 'unusual arrangement'. If she was a man she would be ripped to shreds, for texting other men and crying about loosing her 'lovely house'. I feel sorry for for that poor man who is paying all the bills so his girlfriend can enjoy the attention

Thats simply not true. But even if it were its not interesting. People can only advise the person posting. It really doesn’t matter what some other poster might have said on another thread. And this weird fixation in some kind of financial justice morality is just odd. Of course her current lifestyle is more pleasant than being single but she isn’t the female equivalent of a cocklodger because she is struggling with the lack of intimacy.

She pays 50 percent of the mortgage. We don’t know anything else about their finances. We might equally assume that frequent sex was the basis of the relationship and that he is defaulting on the relationship and using finances and shared assets to control her.

@Rainonme93
Only you can prioritize what matters most in your life. It does not matter one iota what anyone else says. Only you have to live that life.

It does not seem as though your partner's sex drive has changed. It seems as though you have grown dissatisfied with what was always there.

He has not misled you in any way. You have just grown apart in this respect. You do not owe it to him to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, nor should he have to live with an unhappy and resentful wife. You both can find more compatible partners.

We have been together almost 5 years, he is on a significantly higher salary than me and therefore pays for the majority of the bills although our mortgage is paid 50/50 each month

he earns more and pays the majority of the bills , the finances are pretty clear TBH , control is an absolutely massive reach

Look: I’m not arguing for her cheating. No one is!

As for their financial arrangements its quite conventional for the person with more money to pay more for the household. They aren’t married so both can walk away and both have agreed to the financial split. She isn’t exploiting him or betraying their implicit agreement until she cheats on him WHICH NONE OF US ARE ADVOCATING.

If you're not happy then leave. You shouldn't be stuck in a relationship that doesn't fill you with absolute joy!

I was in a similar situation with my exH. Sex life was dire and gradually getting worse. It was dire before we got married but I think I just hoped that somehow we could fix it since everything else was good. His constant rejection also had a huge impact on my self esteem so knowing he loved me enough to marry me was a big deal. So I totally understand committing to buying a house with someone when there's problems in the relationship.

I cried myself to sleep on many a night and DH didn't seem to care. I asked if he would go to doctors, he wouldn't. I spoke to him about it loads of times, tried to work out what was going on with him, explained how he was making me feel. None of it made any difference.

I was 26 when I left him. He was 8 years older than me and the higher earner so he took charge of a lot of the finances. It was definitely scary starting over again. He was able to buy me out of the house we owned together so I had enough money to put a deposit on a new house.

I'm now happily married to my DH and our relationship is like night and day compared to my last marriage, in so many ways. There are better things out there. Don't settle for "well we don't argue much". Your happiness will always be worth much more than a house!

To comment on our financial arrangement, he makes at least 3x my salary, I absolutely pay what I can on my teacher's salary but it is logical that he pays more than me for day to day expenses. He is still left with far more than me at the end of every month! We are currently undecided about whether we will start a family. I lost a load of weight for myself but also with the hope he would find me more attractive.

These replies are insane.

OP: you are 30. You are too young to settle for this friendship relationship. I know that 5 years feels like a long time, but when you're 35 and your confidence is on the ground, those 5 years will feel like nothing. You will be entilted to your share of what has already been paid off on the house, or he might buy you out. I know you feel that you couldn't live without the house, but you can. It's just a thing, just a place. The real joy comes from the family you have inside the house.

This might help. I was in a similar position and didn't want to leave because I loved my house and life (complicated by DC, but in my case similar earnings). When I decided to leave I took a few days of quietly walking around my house, assessing every single item and room we owned, and asking myself, would I be ok without this? In almost all cases the answer was "yes", and the very few things I wanted to keep (my plants and my books) I knew I could bargain for. But really it wasn't inventory, it allowed me to look at each thing and in my own mind say goodbye to it and accept its loss. Taken together, my home seemed too imporant to step away from. But when I forced myself to see it as a collection of objects that were not worth more than my happiness, it was much much easier.

By the way do you want children? If so, you don't have time to dither. You need to get out now before you're stuck for the sake of the kids.

Trust me, it's not about you. I went through the same thing and blamed myself. I've always been slim and was a size 8, worked out, looked great, bla bla bla. Your appearance won't make any difference to him. The issue is with him not you.

OP, if this has been going on throughout your entire relationship I think it is unrealistic to expect him to change. You need to make a decision based on the fact that this is how he is.

Have you ever been affectionate together or has it always been like this. What reasons has he given for his lack of interest in a physical relationship?

Do you still love and fancy each other?

Very difficult OP and I feel your pain.
My twopennyworth
It will get more difficult and you may end up actively disliking eachother.
You might find that in a more loving and intimate relationship that the lovely house etc are less important .

Also is he on any kind of medication that might curb his libido?

Sorry but just to add: the sexual disinterest that you now feel will soon turn to indifference. Then you'll ask, can I live with someone who is disintersted in me, for the sake of my house? Then it will be: can I live with someone who dislikes me? Can I live with someone who hates me? Can I live with someone who hates me and openly shows me contempt? Eventually you'll have to leave, and it will be after years of damage. If you leave now you can date a nice man who wants to actually sleep with you. I'm sure you can find someone else who earns enough to buy a house with you!

I think this ^^ sums it up for me, the op has ( rightly or wrongly) got together with someone who less interested in intimacy and now has to decide what to do, it’s unfair to blame him if that’s how he has always been