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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

friend needs advice urgently

28 replies

christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 21:17

my friend is 15 weeks pregnant and yesterday she said she had something to tell me....

the baby is not her dps. she had a one night stand outside a club and the baby belongs to this bloke - she doesn't even know his name. it cant be her dps as they are very careful, always using comdons. he was shocked at first but has come round to the idea of a brother or sister for there ds who is 2.5.

there is also the added problem that the bloke she slept with is black, her and her dp are both white. the baby will be mixed race and very obviously not dps.

she doesnt know what to do. if she confesses to dp he will leave her and she loves him loads. her only excuse for what happened is that she was very drunk and can hardly remember it happening, she doesnt go out very much but it was her 20th birthday.

her dp is 22 and they have been together for 4 years, she says she cannot confide in her family as they would be disgusted at her behaviour and have never really gotten over her having ds at a young age and the fact that shes 'living in sin' doesnt help either.

i didnt know what to say and was basically very shocked to say the least. i dont know what to tell her - can anyone advise please?????

OP posts:
popsycal · 18/12/2004 21:18

she obviously has to tell him......

spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 21:19

god, what a dreadful situation to be in!

she will have to be honest with dp, it's the only possible answer

jingleballs · 18/12/2004 21:21

agree with sd, be honest, is there anyway DP would accept the child and raise it?

WideWebWitch · 18/12/2004 21:23

I don't think she's got much choice, better to tell him now than give him a big shock when the baby's here.

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 21:47

i think shes really scared of losing him. i feel quite guilty at the moment as her dp is a lovely bloke and also a friend of mine. i think ive been put in a horrible situation although not as horrible as hers. she says this is the first time she has ever cheated and regrets it more than anything shes ever done. i think if the baby was white she'd pass it off as his but as it will so obviously not be his she has to tell him.

she wants to run away. her 'plan' is to pack some stuff, take her son and just get on a train to anywear. or have an abortion - but her dp wouldnt allow it and shes quite far gone. she is even considering faking a miscarraige which sickens me and i am having trouble even looking at her but at the same time am trying to understand that shes scared.

i dont think her dp would stand by her, would yours???? im trying to be a good friend but am finding it difficult. she is looking for an easy answer when there just isnt one.

OP posts:
jingleballs · 18/12/2004 21:52

good point tbh mine def wouldn't no matter what he couldn't at least raise a child as his own, is she absolutly sure this child is the result of the ONS? is there def no chance it could be her DP's?

spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 21:54

Running away certainly isn't the easy answer! And she is too late to have a termination now. I was going to ask the same as jingleballs - is there absolutely no way the baby could be dp's?

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:02

she said they always use condoms and wern't plannignon having anymore kids for a long time. we're at college together and have at least 4 years of study time left. the timing fits and they didnt use protection (that she can remember anyway) shes trying to convince herself that maybe dps condom leaked and she didnt notice, which i suppose is possible but would have to be a big co-incidence.

shes going to have to tell him but knowing her it'll be in the labour ward during the secand stage of labour. maybe she could give the baby up for adoption? but that would still leave him knowing that hes been betrayed.

OP posts:
popsycal · 18/12/2004 22:05

Is there any test she can have before the baby is born to find out?

If it is not his, he will find out anyway

jingleballs · 18/12/2004 22:07

arn't they a bit dangerous thou that test, or am I thinking of another one? would she go for adoption? (then again she would have to think of the consequences there as well for 10-15 yrs time if the bub decided to look for his/her 'real' parents.) and what would she say to the bub about the dad? (just thinking ahead and out loud here.)

spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 22:07

there's never going to be a good or easy time to tell him, but if she waits until she's in labour ... omg, doesn't bear thinking about

what's the dp like? is he likely to be understanding about it do you think?

jingleballs · 18/12/2004 22:09

would advise as well I know ur friends with both, but try not to get too involved if u can help it.

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:20

i dont know anything about tests or anything.

if she decided to put the baby up for adoption then she'd still have to confess to dp, who will probably leave her anyway for being unfaithful and then lying about the babys paternity in the first place. in which case she may aswell keep the baby and bring the kids up alone.

i really dont know how he would react to the news. he's already told everyone at work that he's going to be a father again, he's had 6 weeks to get used to the idea, they are going for a scan soon aswell. shes just playing happy families at the moment and the stress cant be good for the baby either. shes irritable and snappy which poor dp is putting down to hormones.

i wasnt joking about her blurting it out in the delivery room it really is the sort of thing she'd do.....

this is going to break his heart and of course theres the rest of the family to tell too. either way, wether he accepts the child or not everyone is going to find out with the baby being mixed race. will it end up being treated differently?

her only other idea (and she really is clutching at straws) is to tell dp that she was raped. she doesnt think that he'd leave her if that was the case and although she'll have to give the baby up she'd keep her dp.

i tried to explain to her that i didnt think a relationship could survive with such a big lie in it and as jingle says, what will happen when the child comes looking for its father....

im sorry, i just dont know what to tell her.

OP posts:
vict17 · 18/12/2004 22:23

I think all you can do is to tell her that she has to tell him - the sooner the better. Surely that's the only advice you can give?

jingleballs · 18/12/2004 22:29

that's it I think be honest with him, is all she can do, I don't think rape is the answer here, it would be further deception, what would he say if he later found out the truth? I think (without sounding harsh here) she'll have to bite the bullet so to speak, now the cards have been delt and face up to things. the sooner she deals with things the quicker it will all be sorted, does she really want to go her whole PG with this over her head? It's a bit unfair on the DP as well for him to think it's his if it's not, but then again i'm not in the situation, so would prob be just as scared etc.. as she is.

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:35

i think she knows that she has to confess....

i think she shouldnt have done it in the first place - i know that sounds harsh but i cant help the way i feel. im shocked, dissapointed and a bit sickened by her trying to decieve her way out of it. havent told her that though

im going to advise that she confesses as soon as possible but am not looking forward to the fall out. shes got ds to think about to. i cant believe shes put his future at risk

i cant believe what a bitch i sound but i just think the while thing could have been avoided. feel sorry for them all.

i really dont think she'll tell him though. i wont tell him either, its not my place but am dreading him finding out that i knew and him hating me too, although that'll be the least of his worries wont it.

OP posts:
jingleballs · 18/12/2004 22:37

that's y i say don't get too involved, and when the siht hits the fan as it were, (run and duck for cover!)

noddyholder · 18/12/2004 22:43

Why did she have sex with someone else if she loves her dh so much?If they were going through a rough patch maybe he would surprise her with his reaction She really has to tell him and even if he leaves initially to get his head round things he may see things differently if he really loves her Saying she was raped is an awful lie not an option at all

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:51

i think she was just very drunk and as she has been feeling mumsy and dowdy for a while was flattered by the attention, no excuse though i know.

her dp has just text me to say he bought the bump an outfit for christmas and hes keeping it a surprise for her on christmas day the poor man, he really has no idea whats coming.

i think that i will definatly stay out of it. if she wants to talk about it again i will just say that id prefer not to get involved, or do you think thats rude? i dont think she has many friends.

OP posts:
Branster · 18/12/2004 22:52

To be fair here her behaviour is appaling. First she cheats on her DP, then she lies to him to such an extent. IMHO this is totally unexcusable. It really doesn't matter how her DP will react to the news. She made a big mistake (two really because she lied to him as well)and has to bear it. I think all the stories she's trying to come up with are unbelievable and if she carries on like this her whole future is going to be a lie, it's only a matter of time before everyone finds out. Besides, it's very, very likely she has caught some sort of STD too.
All in all, i don't think her DP deserves the treatment he's getting from her and she should be ashemed of herself firstly for cheating on him the way she did and secondly for lying to him about the baby and also for being willing to lie to him even further (i.e. making up that she's been raped)or for even considering of putting him in the most uncomfortable situation in the delivery room. besides, if this is not his child how can she even consider having DP in the delivery room. really, she's being very selfish in all this.
Unfortunately I don't have any advice as such but I had to write as this is so out of ordinary. Please don't take personally christamsstuffing, I'm only refering to your friend's actions. BTW, is this for real?
mind that you don't end up in the middle of all this when it all comes out, unless this is a very dear friend of yours. I'd like to wish her good luck but I think what she needs is a good telling off from someone (i.e.e you) and she needs to behave more responsably. She hasn't done so far in respect of the present pregnancy but ahe needs to take responability for her actions, analyse how it will all affect her and the ones near to her and sort her life out. Full stop. I won't start on the sympathy front as it's a bit late for that. She needs to act one way or another and make sure she lives at peace with herself.

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:53

also i think that because the baby would be mixed race that it would be harder for him to accept. people would ask questions and everyone will know that its not his.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 18/12/2004 22:54

Of course no-one wants to condone her actions, but I must admit to feeling sorry for the girl. I think she is paying and will pay for this mistake for the rest of her life. It's very sad. She should definitely tell the truth as soon as possible - for her (and the baby's) sake as much as dp's.

Original poster
christmasstuffing · 18/12/2004 22:56

branster - i agree with everything you've said and i dont take it personally because you are right. i do believe her because she is so upset about it. she isnt one of my best friends but i do see alot of her, at college and things like that. i know her dp better as we live in the same area and when to school together.

OP posts:
jingleballs · 18/12/2004 22:57

Branster said want I wanted to really. sums it all up. what ever she does now, she should really do the decent thing and come clean about everything, the damage has been done and it will only get worse the longer it's left. her DP def doesn't deserve this. (but then again we don't know what happens behind closed doors) if she was feelin mumsy etc.. why didn't she talk to her DP instead fo getting wrecked and doing that?

Branster · 18/12/2004 22:59

oh dear CS, imagine how occurred you'll feel when he finds out later and might seek support from you... unless you can get involved directly (i.e. talk to him about the situation as well as with her, which is probably not an option) it's probably best to do what you were thinking of doing in avoiding the subject with her.

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