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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD really that bad?

44 replies

CaramelShortcakes · 05/11/2023 15:31

Is online dating really that bad? People often advise against it but it’s very hard to meet someone irl especially when older (30s) when I was younger men would often approach me out and about and that’s how I met people but that doesn’t happen now (for me). Has anyone had any success with old and is it really that bad as feel a bit scared to join?!

OP posts:
Losinghopet · 05/11/2023 15:35

As long as you are thick skinned and have high standards, give it a try. Join Hinge and Bumble. Avoid Tinder. Be prepared to match with lots of men but none to follow up or lead to anything. Lots of men will chat and say what you want to hear but are only looking for sex and something casual. Be clear about what you’re looking for and don’t be afraid to bloke and move on the moment you caught any sign of a red flag.

Losinghopet · 05/11/2023 16:29

Should have said block* not bloke!

yellowflowerss · 05/11/2023 16:36

You do need thick skin. Also if you are serious about meeting someone serious you have to put time and effort in. I met my current partner on there and so far, he is great Grin before him, I went in 2 first dates. Both very lovely men but they just weren't for me. I know friends who have had great experiences OLD. You need to be cut throat. The slightest red flag cut it off. If they say something you don't like, cut it off

JamItUp · 05/11/2023 16:38

Thick skin.

High standards.

Those two, yes!!

Hard to tell of course re. standards. But one red flag 🚩 and into the bin he goes. Don’t be drawn in by a good profiles/job/sounds normal/even respectability etc. Most of all, take your time (find out surreptitiously if they’re porn hounds, looking for free sex etc BY LISTENING! They’ll tell you if you wait long enough to hear. Of course if they’re simply boring that should also be evident by date 5.). Trust your gut. Dont have weird sex with them. Raise your bar. You’re the prize and the queen.

Sums it up completely.

theduchessofspork · 05/11/2023 16:39

It’s the best way to meet someone from late 20s on, but you have to be businesslike and ruthless as PPs say.

Know what you are looking for, know what your non negotiables are, be prepared to meet a lot of frogs - it is a numbers game - but you will het there if you can be tough about it.

occhiazzurri · 05/11/2023 18:27

I think you have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. It is worthwhile not relying only on OLD but also trying to expand your social circle through sports/hobbies/professional network/church/political groups etc. Despite OLD being very mainstream, I mainly know couples who were in their 20s when met on OLD and only two couples on their early 30s, none of my mid-late 30s or 40s friends have had any luck finding a lasting relationship on OLD. You may want to get someone who’s an OLD veteran and/or from the opposite sex to review your profile to begin with. OLD is apparently like a full time job so you’ll need to devote significant time and effort.

CallmePaul · 05/11/2023 18:54

occhiazzurri · 05/11/2023 18:27

I think you have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. It is worthwhile not relying only on OLD but also trying to expand your social circle through sports/hobbies/professional network/church/political groups etc. Despite OLD being very mainstream, I mainly know couples who were in their 20s when met on OLD and only two couples on their early 30s, none of my mid-late 30s or 40s friends have had any luck finding a lasting relationship on OLD. You may want to get someone who’s an OLD veteran and/or from the opposite sex to review your profile to begin with. OLD is apparently like a full time job so you’ll need to devote significant time and effort.

I've never tried OLD the thought of it is terrifying tbh & I'm single & male, not ready for it yet. However perhaps the majority of couples I know met via it, all with one exception who is 26 all are 36 & upwards, mostly nearer 40 or over 40.

Clementine183 · 05/11/2023 19:09

I think a lot of it is pure luck to be honest. I'm 43 and met my OH on Bumble six months ago (all going v well!) and had only been on the site about six weeks before we started chatting. Had dates with four other guys, one was a bit of a weirdo but the others were fine, had a couple of short flings etc... then met OH and it all flowed very easily. I know others who have had a much rougher ride with OLD but for me it was pretty painless! - so I wouldn't be discouraged before giving it a try.

mcdonaldschip · 05/11/2023 19:16

I was really picky when I was on Tinder! I did meet my husband on there, but I got pretty lucky! I would have never met him if we didn't meet online, since he lived in Essex and I lived in Kent and was about to move to Portsmouth for university.

I did talk to lots of men on there, but I only clicked with my husband and that's why I met up with him.

Watchkeys · 05/11/2023 19:20

Don't get emotionally engaged with anybody until you're confident that they're lovely, and don't spend a second with anybody whose company you don't find wonderful.

You'll save yourself a lot of time and energy. You're not looking for Mr 'He'd be alright if he'd only...', so don't spend time with him.

PermanentTemporary · 05/11/2023 19:39

Its no worse than trying to meet people in pubs and clubs. In theory work is better but I have never met anyone I've fancied at work and I've worked for well over 30 years.

Meet up quickly and don't put any emotional eggs in anyone's basket for a while. Keep it light - it's supposed to be fun!

Catandsquirrel · 05/11/2023 20:05

It's a useful way to meet people. I wouldn't have met the man I love otherwise. You just need to take care of yourself.

Keep emotionally in check until you're sure they're decent and genuinely interested in trying with you. That doesn't necessarily mean you'll end up married to that one but don't run away with yourself if some charismatic chancer offers you the world. Wait and see. It's fine to be a bit excited but excited for the next date, not your whole life together.

If you're not feeling it at any stage, politely withdraw. 'Just give it a chance, he's XYZ' has never been a good use of my time personally if you're not on the same wavelength.

Had my heart broken a couple of times from getting carried away too early and oddly it's much more painful than from a longer relationship so please do pay heed to first point re not rushing in.

Take care of personal safety. Most people aren't bad in that respect but some can be very pushy sexually.

If you're with the right person it truly and genuinely won't matter who texts first etc.

Perfect your 'thanks but no thanks' message. Polite but certain.

halfthesun · 05/11/2023 20:18

I had lots of dates from Tinder. Yes to thick skin! Any red flags ... block and move on. Married the most wonderful man this summer - we are both very early fifties. Never been happier. Do not settle.

MissCaptain · 05/11/2023 20:25

Similar to @halfthesun - married the love of my life in September, both in our fifties and never been happier. We met on Bumble. Good Luck! There are lovely, genuine people on OLD.

Barleymilk · 05/11/2023 20:51

I met a great guy off Plenty of fish five years ago who I dated a couple of months. I wasn't in the right place for a relationship though so ended it.
Roll on this month and being completely man free since then( the odd tinder date but no intimate moments!) I reached out to him on Facebook and after many a message,we had the day together today and went to fireworks this evening. It was so lovely and natural and we are looking forward to being with each other. It's the right time.Both early fifties.

CallmePaul · 05/11/2023 21:13

Just to add there are so many OLD sites are the regular ones even I who's never OLDed has heard of, tinder, bumble, match, plenty of fish, hinge & grindr for gay guys.

However a male pal used a site for larger ladies another used some BDSM site, female friend used beardr for ladies who like bearded guys apparently & there must be tons more.

I don't know which is best for amazing looking non mental mid 30s ladies hunting men at least 10 yrs older with own hair & teeth, but as a bloke in that demographic that's the one I want to find lol!

SamW98 · 05/11/2023 21:24

I’m older (54) and my experience so far is that most of the men my age either want a younger woman, a replacement wife to cook and clean or casual sex and the majority are the latter.
I’ve lost count of the men who say on their profile they want a relationship but then admit they’re looking for fun or a FWB.

CallmePaul · 05/11/2023 21:29

oh ps I forgot religion dating sites, mate of mine met his wife on one, they're 3 kids in now!

Sunandnomoon · 05/11/2023 21:30

@CaramelShortcakes there are many scammers so please be wary of anyone who quickly professes to have strong feelings for you, be wary of anyone who makes excuses not to meet in person, and be wary of anyone who tells you a sob story that can only be solved by you sending them or someone they know money.

SamW98 · 05/11/2023 21:35

I would also say your first date should be somewhere very public - a town centre bar or coffee shop. And be prepared that they might look rather different to their pics.
I’ve met people who have used old photos and also someone who was 4/5 inches shorter than he said.
My friend actually went on a date with a guy who tripped up and his hair slipped off - it was a wig 🤦‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 05/11/2023 21:40

In my experience, and judging from the experience of people I know, if you are quite mainstream (not intended as an insult!) - have mainstream interests, tastes, preferences, views you will fair better than if you are a bit more 'niche'.

That's largely because a lot of the men doing OLD want a woman who dresses a certain way, looks a certain way, listens watches mainstream telly, listens to mainstream music - in short, is predictable to them, who they regard as being 'drama free' and won't embarrass them in any way.

They don't like women who challenge them or make them feel inferior or insecure about who they are.

Eg. They might take the piss that you want to watch reality TV and are interested in sleb gossip but, in the main, they'd rather that than you like art house cinema, obscure bands or have a distinctive style of dress.

That's because, as others have said, a lot of them want a wife/replacement wife who is no bother. They see 'individuality' (ignoring that we are all 'individuals') as a warning beacon that you might be hard to handle and have your own mind. They want someome who will make their life easier (in their eyes this looks like someone who stays at home while they go to the pub a few nights a week) not someone who is going to pursue their own life and interests.

Yes, this is a very broad generalisation and doesn't apply to meeting people in real life, nor to every man doing OLD but when it comes to OLD, from what I've seen, the more middle of the road you are the more successful you'll be.

CaramelShortcakes · 06/11/2023 00:33

Thanks all, very helpful and taking the advice on board. Glad to hear it’s worked for some.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 06/11/2023 01:05

I loved it. Had a great time, met loads of lovely men, dated a few, married my husband (in my 30’s). I’m a big fan.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/11/2023 05:58

I don't know which is best for amazing looking non mental mid 30s ladies hunting men at least 10 yrs older with own hair & teeth, but as a bloke in that demographic that's the one I want to find lol!

@CallmePaul the vast majority of women want men their own age, not “at least ten years older”. What’s wrong with women your own age?

Unfortunately OP you’ll find quite a few men like the above on OLD, however it can work and there are some rare gems on there if you’re prepared to be persistent.

Watchkeys · 06/11/2023 08:31

the more middle of the road you are the more successful you'll be

according to the view that 'success' is meeting a man who doesn't

like women who challenge them or make them feel inferior or insecure about who they are

What is 'success', @GreyCarpet ?

I'd say that it's being your own quirky unusual self, and getting no responses, until someone who is quirky in the very same way as you shows up, but it seems that you're saying that success is 'getting a lot of responses from men who want a nice little wifey to make life easier for them'?