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Original poster

Online dating question

30 replies

Airbuss · 05/11/2023 13:52

I’m mid 30s

the vast, vast majority of men in their 30s and 40s are looking for something casual or they ‘don’t know’

I’m talking thousands and thousands of profiles

so do all these men want to stay single forever? just get sex on tap?

OP posts:
obje · 05/11/2023 14:04

That's the impression I got previously unfortunately.

I think many are divorced and already have DC so aren't looking to settle down in a family type set up.

That's not to say ALL men are like this (I met an exception and there are definitely plenty more l) this but I fear many are.

Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 14:14

I would say that it's probably quite rife with guys who are only looking for something casual on online dating. A lot don't want a relationship and commit to anything.

That's not to say everyone is though, there will be guys wanting a relationship instead of casual. I'm not on OLD yet but will likely at some point and I'm in that age bracket. I've been through and still going through the mill so I don't actually know what I want right now but I would probably look for a relationship over casual, I've never done the latter.

Although I am going through a divorce and have children from that marriage, I would say a large proportion may not want to go through another relationship and that could also be a reason, dunno.

Dacadactyl · 05/11/2023 14:19

Never done online dating but I suspect they're just looking for sex.

I'd say the vast majority of men who want a relationship are already in one, or get snapped up quickly when they're on the market

Original poster
Airbuss · 05/11/2023 14:22

Thing is, I never meet guys like this in real life

All I guys I know who came out of relationships or marriage, do want another relationship

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 14:58

The pool is bigger on online dating though so you'll see more on there wanting casual or just to mess people around. There will be guys wanting relationships but they may be lost in the sea that don't.

Then you think how many of those who are specifically looking for casual aren't single at all...

hopefulsandwich · 05/11/2023 16:40

I noticed the same thing. But speaking to male friends they’ve told me a lot of women say they want a relationship online but actually just want casual sex and won’t admit it. (Or maybe that’s all they wanted with him?)

I think online dating just attracts a lot of avoidant people so there’s a lot of filtering the emotionally unavailable people out.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 05/11/2023 16:45

I think there are a mix. Guys I dated were not too sure. Some up front about causal which I appreciated. Others said they didn’t know and wanted to get to know someone to see his it developed. Suppose used the phrase don’t know to take pressure off.

I net my DP online and he says he didn’t know what he wanted at that point. He admitted later it was a relationship he wanted but says didn’t know as he was open to causal too.

RantyAnty · 05/11/2023 16:47

Airbuss · 05/11/2023 14:22

Thing is, I never meet guys like this in real life

All I guys I know who came out of relationships or marriage, do want another relationship

Many of them are looking for free child care and maid service.

Original poster
Airbuss · 05/11/2023 16:52

These are men in their 30s and 40s. Surely you know what you want? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
kshaw · 05/11/2023 16:53

I've literally just seen a profile that said in the bio 'want the full girlfriend experience but don't want to be in a committed relationship'. Not sure how this works for anyone 🤷

acpk55 · 05/11/2023 16:55

Airbuss · 05/11/2023 14:22

Thing is, I never meet guys like this in real life

All I guys I know who came out of relationships or marriage, do want another relationship

I think you have probably answered your own question really, people ( men and women), will say they are looking for something casual until they meet someone a bit more special to them

Original poster
Airbuss · 05/11/2023 17:00

kshaw yes I see plenty of those too

at least they are honest

OP posts:
samestyle · 05/11/2023 17:31

The ones that aren't tied down won't be tied down are in the majority, 4 year's single for me because every guy Ive come across, is only after something casual. It's not just an online problem either. It could as others said something may develop from a more casual encounter but that is a risk and you have to go into it with the same mindset which isn't for everyone.

Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 17:39

I don't think it's a case of they are that age and don't know what they want, a lot probably know exactly what they want, best of both worlds. Also, a lot of guys don't really mature, they could be nearing fifty and still think like they are in their twenties. Others do mature and want to settle.

There will be some who genuinely don't know based on past experience or their current situation but I would say the vast majority do know.

For example, I don't know what to do now because technically I'm still married but I'm separated. Do I wait until I'm divorced which could take years considering how long everything else is taking or do I go for it. The marriage is over for sure, it's not amicable and not good... I would prefer a relationship but is that fair on the other person with the current situation and would anyone actually touch me with a barge pole considering the situation. I could do something casual but I've never done that before, but if both parties are looking for that, I dunno...

So I'm a bit confused myself tbh, do I live or do I wait in endless limbo like I have been this entire time.

occhiazzurri · 05/11/2023 18:12

It won’t come as a surprise to you that some people stay on dating apps for 5-10 years and longer and are just interested in casual dating with no commitment. My friends - 30s/40s- haven’t met a single divorced male who was interested in anything other than casual dating no matter what they said on OLD or IRL, if the word marriage was ever broached, they all ran for the hills. Most seem to want the girlfriend experience without commitment and can do it over a long period of time due to OLD. I think it is worth expanding your social network in real life, no matter how hard that is in this day and age.

anotherdisaster · 05/11/2023 20:43

OLD is like a candy shop for many men which is why they are just looking for a hookup or casual. I can only assume that any decent guy who genuinely wants a relationship is not using dating apps. I know there will be some, but they are in the minority.

fetchacloth · 05/11/2023 20:56

kshaw · 05/11/2023 16:53

I've literally just seen a profile that said in the bio 'want the full girlfriend experience but don't want to be in a committed relationship'. Not sure how this works for anyone 🤷

In other words 'man child'. Sigh 😕

C1N1C · 05/11/2023 21:00

Out of curiosity, what sites are people using these days? In my day (how I met the OH) it was Plenry of Fish and Match, but I gey the impression times have changed.

Could it be OP you're just on the wrong sites?

Original poster
Airbuss · 05/11/2023 21:08

anotherdisaster I struggle to think any single man wouldn’t be online

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 21:10

Kinda the norm these days has been for a long time. I used POF way back not used the others that are out now

Original poster
Airbuss · 05/11/2023 21:13

I’m on Bumble and Hinge
avoid tinder

OP posts:
CallmePaul · 05/11/2023 21:25

anotherdisaster · 05/11/2023 20:43

OLD is like a candy shop for many men which is why they are just looking for a hookup or casual. I can only assume that any decent guy who genuinely wants a relationship is not using dating apps. I know there will be some, but they are in the minority.

I don't agree, man here & large volume of mates male & female that are not with someone they met many many years ago, then majority all found via OLD & are serious relationships.

Never tried OLD myself.

SamW98 · 05/11/2023 21:29

anotherdisaster · 05/11/2023 20:43

OLD is like a candy shop for many men which is why they are just looking for a hookup or casual. I can only assume that any decent guy who genuinely wants a relationship is not using dating apps. I know there will be some, but they are in the minority.

There are some genuine men on there but so far in my experience most of the men my age (50+) are just looking for hook ups or a FWB. I filter about most of them but the odd one had still sneaked through.. They do give themselves away pretty quickly though

Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 21:35

Long time ago but I had two long term relationships out of OLD one led to marriage...which didn't end well but.

QueenBitch666 · 06/11/2023 00:11

Sex or wank photos. They're probably toggling between porn and OLD. Grim bastards 🤮