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Original poster

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37 replies

Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:09

My boyfriend is working so much hes gone 14h days between day and night shifts, i spend so much time without him its ruining our relationship, i have begged him to find another job, he promised he would but hasnt been trying, he works another job on his day off the other day off is shared between his son me and anything else needs done, i dont know what to do anymore, we live together I am up with his alarms from 5am he's gone from 6am-7.30 pm days and 6pm-7.30am nights then sleeps till the after noon

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/11/2023 13:12

Why is he working so much?

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:26

That I really can't answer

OP posts:
PierceMorgansChin · 05/11/2023 13:45

Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:26

That I really can't answer

Is he paying his debts off or saving up for a house? Who is looking after his child? It doesn't seem like he has any life outside work at all, it's excessive

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:49

No he lives with me on off over two and a half years, pays very little debts car phone child maintenance, his son lives with his mum he sees him ruffle 2h a week on his one day off and maybe 4h a week every second week when he's an extra day off, we have no life he's always tired, doesn't help around the house and never there when I need him he's working so much

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/11/2023 13:49

Do you think he's avoiding you?

PierceMorgansChin · 05/11/2023 13:52

Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:49

No he lives with me on off over two and a half years, pays very little debts car phone child maintenance, his son lives with his mum he sees him ruffle 2h a week on his one day off and maybe 4h a week every second week when he's an extra day off, we have no life he's always tired, doesn't help around the house and never there when I need him he's working so much

So you are essentially single. I would let him go. I like my time alone, but you are always alone. I feel bad for you and for his little boy. I would get rid and choose someone who chooses to spend time with me.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:53

He could be, but he's not trapped with me if he's that unhappy witch he says he's not and that he loves me, then he's free to leave we arnt married or have any kids together we have no ties, I will add he's a difficult man and we've had a difficult relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 14:00

I feel like I'm single, I've told him this I've told him it's not fair on any of us, he throws it back at me and says it shouldn't be an issuse it's only a job, and I'm making a big deal out of something I shouldn't be, (back story... he took on a similar job a year ago and it did the same thing we broke up in the end he was never around, few weeks later he came back saying sorry etc he put the job first and that he understood how difficult it was, said he would stay at his delivery job (amazon till he found something suitable) promised me it wouldn't go back to how it was, then boom next thing I know he's a worse job we fought and argued over it he wasn't for seeing my point we fell out he went back to his mums a few weeks, started to message apologising saying he was sorry he broke his promise, wanted another chance ( still working the new job and delivery job btw) told me he will look to change the job stright away etc... I agreed he came back it's been a month and a half and he's not been looking for a job and still working them both, but makes out it's my fault cause I won't accept it I'm at loss

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 05/11/2023 14:05

You're flogging a dead horse.
If he wanted to change, he would.

He's just hoping he can get you to stfu about it.

Why not make a list with 2 columns. One with your name and one with his.

Titled what's in this relationship for...

What's he getting out of staying with you? Meals? Laundry? Convenience? Help with his son? Anything and everything that benefits him

Then do the same for you.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 14:19

I will add he was sacked for that first job

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 05/11/2023 15:19

Why do you want to stay with him?

category12 · 05/11/2023 15:44

So you've broken up before over this exact issue, and it's gone back to being the same since you got back together.

You might as well be single, so be single.

Split up with him and when you're ready, look to date someone new who wants to spend time with you and have a life together.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 16:22

Because I love him and I've tried hard to make things work, he's saying it's just a job and I shouldn't be giving him grief over it, so I'm doubing myself that's why I'm here, he's saying it Mt fault I've a problem with it

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2023 16:33

It's not "just a job" when it means you have basically no relationship because of it.

You might have tried hard to make things work, but he isn't, is he?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, as they say.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 16:50

I'm feelings are all over the place, he'd a full time job with Amazon before he took this job amazon is not ideal but it was better than this, he's still doing amazon on one of his days off, 8am-7pm he promised me things would change and I guess because I desperately wanted to believe him I went back he will get two weekends off a month one of them Saturdays he sleeps till the afternoon off nights, so hes working flat out never around , so I effectively get one full Saturday a month, I am also a single mother to 5 children my free time is weekends when their with there dad, he was supposed to find a job that worked round life and both our kids. Sorry for off loading so much

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 05/11/2023 16:52

You would really benefit from working out why you think you love someone who seems so uninterested in you and so uninvested in your relationship.

Consider why you are providing a home for someone with so little in return. And what little time you have with him, includes his son. Is he a very hands on parent or does he leave some or most of the parenting to you?

Is he maybe just using you for better funds than living with his mother? Ugh.

Honestly, heave him overboard

Slav80 · 05/11/2023 16:58

Leave, if you have kids one day, you would need someone to support you physically and emotionally, and you will regret you have stayed.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 17:04

We don't have kids together, mine are from a previous marriage and his is to his previous marriage, he sees his son a couple of hours a week, his mum has never allowed him to be around me so we don't spend time together with him unfortunately as much as i would of like to, there marriage ended badly, my children have a great relationship with their father, my heart is very much in a battle with my head I'm very torn, and to be honest I am feeling used

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2023 17:09

I was going to ask if you see much benefit financially from the amount of hours he does.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 17:19

I don't benefit, he will do half of the shopping now and again on a sunday your talking abour 40 each I do more than one shop a week and put £15 gas in now and again, he will pay for half a take away or dinner out now and again but I pay the majority of things I do the electricity gas bills and the rest of the shopping and also pay my way when we're out

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 05/11/2023 17:20

I agree with making the list of what he gets from this relationship and what you get.

Where did he live before?

Girlswillbetwirls · 05/11/2023 17:28

OP said she has 5 kids who are with her during the week.

Original poster
Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 17:28

He lived with his mum after his marriage broke up

OP posts:
Girlswillbetwirls · 05/11/2023 17:33

Tbf if you have 5 kids and he has just one kid he sees briefly once a week, I would expect you to be paying more of the household bills /shopping since you and your 5 kids will be consuming far more than him so that part actually sounds fair.

I’m wondering why he doesn’t pay much maintenance though? And more importantly are you not concerned being with a man who only sees his child for two hours a week?

He doesn’t give much time for his own child, what kind of man is he then? And why would you expect he spend a lot of quality time with you, when he doesn’t bother with his own child.

It sounds like he’s avoiding you and is living with you out of convenience tbh. He’s unable to live alone by the sounds of it, as you say he went from his marital home to his mum and then to yours.

Girlswillbetwirls · 05/11/2023 17:39

Gemz140785 · 05/11/2023 13:53

He could be, but he's not trapped with me if he's that unhappy witch he says he's not and that he loves me, then he's free to leave we arnt married or have any kids together we have no ties, I will add he's a difficult man and we've had a difficult relationship

Actions speak louder than words. Sorry to say but I don’t think he enjoys being around you and if he can’t be arsed carving out time to see his own flesh and blood more than 2-4 hours a day, he probably can’t be bothered helping taking care of your 5 kids and the housework on a daily basis . it’s all very well claiming he is happy with you and he loves you but he hasn’t backed it up with actions. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing similar with his ex, hence her animosity.

So I’m pretty sure if he had it his way he’d be living alone but I suspect he can’t afford it - he seems to view you as a flatmate.