Ready to leave

[Gemz140785]

My boyfriend is working so much hes gone 14h days between day and night shifts, i spend so much time without him its ruining our relationship, i have begged him to find another job, he promised he would but hasnt been trying, he works another job on his day off the other day off is shared between his son me and anything else needs done, i dont know what to do anymore, we live together I am up with his alarms from 5am he's gone from 6am-7.30 pm days and 6pm-7.30am nights then sleeps till the after noon

I do not and have never expected him to fork out for my kids, I pay for my kids myself and there father helps, I expect him to pay his way he also showers every day he also uses the electricity he also helps himself to whatever he wants to eat uses the washing and uses the Internet and TV, he pays maintenance each week for his son, and yes I am concerned very concerned and I have tried my hardest to include his son, his mum will not let him near me he's 11 ! I've done nothing on her I wasn't round when they separated, I have stressed and argued and got myself upset a number of times arguing with him about making more time for everyone! And making more effort with his son !

It’s not about you including his son . And the kid doesn’t need to spend time with you or your kids to be fair. Maybe his mum doesn’t see it as a stable relationship and she is wanting to protect her son who has already witnessed his parents divorce?

But either way his Dad should be wanting to spend quality time with his child alone and ensuring work doesn’t interfere with that considering it sounds like he’s working this much out of choice / to avoid home life.

I understand you can’t make him be a good father and that’s not your responsibility, but I feel you’re unrealistic to expect to bother with home life when he doesn’t even bother with his own son. Do you know why him and his ex split?

Personally I just couldn’t be with a guy who was one step away from being a deadbeat father.

I'd be expecting him to pay half the mortgage and bills if he's living there. It's his choice. If he has no bills and debt he must be saving for something or have money behind him? I would not be happy with anything less. I would also demand him tell me why he always works? I probably couldn't be bothered with 5 kids during the week either haha 😆

It’s clear a significant reason he’s there is for financial convenience so no way would he agree to go half on everything. OP can’t even get him to spend decent time with her let alone increasing his contributions, so that’s just massively unrealistic. FWIW I also wouldn’t pay half in a house where a partner has 5 kids unless married tbh. Although in fairness I don’t date men with 5 kids so this situation wouldn’t arise.

But anyway bottom line is either OP accepts him as he is or gets rid. She has made her feelings known and he’s made no sustained effort to change.

Personally I’d get rid, on the basis of it’s awful having to beg someone to spend time with you especially in a relatively new relationship - it’s not as if they’re an old married couple - but each to their own.

What do you love about him?

You are quite quick to assume there, no he doesn't need to spend time with me or my kids tho he was friends with my son before and his mum has stopped him being near him, his mum also brings the child into my street almost everyday leaves him with a neighbour and doesn't ask him to have his son tho he's asked her to ask him first cause he will have him she also has him in a club almost every day of the week after school or when he has him hes told hes to be back cause hes something on i passed the child everyday doing school runs and i cant even be nice and say hello, she also makes a point of driving passed my house regularly, I had no issuse with her at all and wish her all the happiness in the world i take nothing to do with what goes on with him i did try to get him to sort out more time with his son , they had a difficult marriage both cheating then broke up to move on. We've been together 2 and a half years not a new relationship but a difficult one, and as for my kids I have teenage children in school and collage and 1 wee one in primary school, my kids are all very good well beheaved kids and respectful, my house is settled and quiet most days there is no issue surrounding my kids, and I have a good relationship with my ex as separated parents go, I've never took money of him for my kids EVER but my ex pays maintenance into this house for his kids that my partner also lives off so yes he should be paying his own why ! I care for him and love him I'm stuck In situation where I don't know what to do, I desperately want things to change and he's told me they would but I'm not seeing it

I think you kind of have to decide whether you can be happy like this, with what he is prepared to offer you in terms of time and effort.

Since you've been through it all before, it's clear that he won't stop working the hours he does.

He promised change - there was none. (People don't tend to change).

So can you be happy?

So what you are saying is:

He doesn’t pay his way fully, just bits and bobs,

He doesn’t see his kid much,

He hardly spends any time with you.

What part of him do you love? A fantasy. He’s not relationship material.

My ex worked seven days a week and I left as I figured I would rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a relationship.

It sounds like you've fallen in love with a cocklodger. Congratulations.

He won't change as he doesn't care enough which means you have two choices. Either continue living as though you do not matter, or you leave/kick him out. That's it.

Which do you chose?

I'm not sure what there is to love about him unless you're thinking about the first couple of months you were together when he was nice and you're wishing he would go back to that?

This guy's actions don't say love at all. He sees you as a mostly free place to flop that is better than living with his mother. If he moved out, he'd either have to go freeload off his mother again or get his own place and pay his own way and clean up after himself.

It does seem like he's a cocklodger who is using you and not a great love.

to be honest I am feeling used

Listen to your gut. It is giving you an important message.

Oh just get rid of him. I can't see any way that he improves your life.