Lost all interest

[Fairydream567]

I was wondering if anyone else felt the same.

I’m early 30s, been single over a year now and have tried OLD. Trouble is, I’ve not met any man who seems remotely worth it. I feel no attraction to anyone, spot red flags pretty quickly and get out of there. It seems aswell that a lot of men in their 30s are using the cost of living as an excuse to be living at home with their parents etc. I can’t see myself with someone who would be doing that in their 30s.

If I already had children I would completely give up but I don’t and I do want a family so I keep trying to no avail. Am I alone in feeling like this?

No you're not alone. Spend your single life doing things you love, and sometimes doing them with other people. You'll meet someone 'by mistake', probably.

A high proportion of people looking for dates online are people who can't be bothered to go out and get themselves a life. I'm sure you'd rather meet someone who was really into your shared hobby than someone who sits in front of a computer all day.

I'm not skating OLD, I met my partner that way. But if it's not working for you, I can guarantee that 100% of the men you meet whilst out doing something will be men who go out and do something. It really is a numbers game. Don't date anyone on OLD or otherwise who doesn't blow your sock off from the first meeting; you'll save yourself a lot of time and energy.

Thank you. I don’t think it’s even the fact I’m meeting them through OLD, it could be anywhere. It’s just I do not fancy anyone! Haven’t even so much as kissed anyone since my last relationship nor have I wanted to. I don’t know if I’m being too fussy or what it is but it’s starting to feel hopeless like I will be single forever and never have kids

I don't live with my parents but I can totally understand why someone would, cost of living crisis is real and it's crippling. You are entitled to your high standards, but if you want a child and are already in your 30ties I would urge you to consider each situation on a case by case basis

You are definitely not the only one OP, it can be a soul destroying process and when you feel jaded its time to pause. l would suggest taking a complete break, do things you enjoy and remove the pressure on yourself. You may or may not meet someone ' in the wild' but you will know when you feel ready to do OLD again. You need to feel robust and in the right frame of mind for that!

I met my dp on a night out when I least expected it. Not through old but a singles night event. Similar to you, I had tried old and not felt anything but meeting him was electric.

Two possibilities..

There are a lot of crap men out there.
Or
Your standards are too high.

What are your rejections often based on?

People in general are pretty shit and relationships turn dull after not too long.

Forget it, get out and enjoy life.

Tying yourself to someone is a great way to waste your best years.

Definitely agree with this, it’s just the kids thing…

A lot of the time I don’t feel physical attraction. Beyond that it’s usually things like they start oversharing too quickly about past issues with substance abuse which sets alarm bells off. Sometimes they ask me to meet and then make absolutely no initiative to plan a date and expect me to do it, in that case I just stop talking to them because they’re clearly very low effort. Sometimes I feel like I don’t connect with them intellectually. Sometimes I don’t like their “banter” which involves them being rude or sarcastic towards me for no reason. Like I said aswell, living with parents does put me off a lot as would not having a car or driving licence.

I do think if I met someone I really connected with I wouldn’t care about that stuff but I’m finding it so hard to open up as it doesn’t really feel safe to do so after being let down so many times

Good points.
I always like to think of things objectively so please don't take offense with the following questions/comments. I'm going to flip some of your statements...

-Anyone in the friend zone? Very often the nicest guys are ones already dismissed.

-Where are you on the looks scale? Standards are fine, but at some point everyone has to be realistic about what they can get... You have said you often reject based on looks and past 30 everyone starts to decline (don't hate me!).

-What do you bring to the table for men? Are any rejecting you?- are there small things you could work on?

-Are the 'living at home' rejections the only reason? Are there exceptions? I stayed at home until I was 30 because I was doing a PhD and postdocs... I would like to hope that the future financial security and the six figures I amassed for a mortgage down-payment would have brought me a little leeway!

-Banter I get... most men will make sarcastic comments, 'neg', or make innuendos to test the water for either future sex prospects or your own sense of humour compatability... sometimes it's difficult to gauge this.

-Date ideas... why does it have to be them designing the date? Do what makes you feel comfortable. I don't know many (any) men who hVe actually follow through on the fun/excitement-levels of their dating days... Also, it's a numbers game for men... women can be very selective on OLD but men have to cast a wide net. That means there is a reluctance to splurge on a first date when men know full well that it probably won't go anywhere and when there are many women who just do it for a free lunch...

There is no one in the friend zone unfortunately.

I haven’t declined since entering my 30s, if anything I look better than I did in my 20s. I’m in shape, don’t have any fine lines whatsoever. I’m attractive and don’t have any issue attracting men. I just very very rarely feel any attraction back. I do agree that most people decline in their 30s and a lot of men look absolutely terrible for their age, I just don’t find it attractive in the slightest and I don’t know how to get past it. I find younger guys attractive physically but I can’t deal with them due to the emotionally immaturity and the fact they don’t know what they want yet.

I would make exceptions to it of course but most of them just blame an ex or something. Basically they can’t afford to live alone. I also feel like if I can manage to support myself financially why can’t they?

I want them to plan the date so that they’re putting in effort from the beginning and aren’t just expecting me to do all the work. If they lack such initiative then I feel they’d be a nightmare to be with. All they need to do is google tbf.

A high proportion of people looking for dates online are people who can't be bothered to go out and get themselves a life.
Just like you as by your own admission that's how you met your own partner.

It's good that you know your worth OP, but if you want a family time is NOT on your side. Men on OLD who want children set their filter for women under 30, men in their 30ties and 40ties usually have children of their own or are not bothered. Getting to know each other, trying for a baby and conceiving could take years. It sounds like you see yourself above these men anyway

So what do you advise then?

Have you considered OLD decent guys in their 30s or even early 40s who already have a child or two or could you not deal with the whole blended family/sharing thing? Those guys have already proved they’re up for responsibility financially and otherwise but things haven’t worked out for whatever reason. And they might be willing to consider another little one if you talk about future wants and goals during chat or before you agree to meet up…
As others have said age is not on your side and the pool of available and decent guys shrinks fast as we get older!!

No that’s not something I would consider as I don’t have kids of my own so wouldn’t be willing to take on that on

I'll say this gently OP, but to me it does sound like you're placing too much importance on people's appearance and financial situation.

The comment that "a lot of men look absolutely terrible for their age" is a sweeping comment makes it seem that you're very quick to judge people in a negative light.

But your comment about people in their 30s living at home is particularly tone-deaf, I think. You need to remember that when you first get talking to someone, you know very little about their life or personal circumstances. You have no idea why someone might still be living at home. Maybe it's because they're trying to save for a house, rather than spend most their month's wages on renting somewhere. Perhaps they're caring for elderly parents. Maybe they've just not been as fortunate as you have in life through no fault of their own.

Yes, there are people who are financially irresponsible. But making the statement that (paraphrasing) "well I can support myself, so why can't they?" is a particularly ugly mentality that will be doing you no good. Personally, I wouldn't be interested in dating someone who's so quick to judge me, when they know very little about me.

You're entitled to your own preferences, of course. But some friendly advice: maybe be a bit less quick to judge or make assumptions about people you've only just met, be a bit more open minded, and you might stand a better chance of meeting someone you like. You're immediately closing yourself off to a lot of potential people, some of whom might actually be good for you when you got to know them. And if kids are something you want, that's perhaps not a good approach to be taking.

Just my opinion, of course.

I would agree with some of the points you made and I know I come across as judgemental or shallow but this is genuinely how I feel and if I’m not attracted to people physically what do I actually do about this? Is there a way around this? I think physical attraction and sex is an important part of a relationship so if that’s missing I don’t know how to proceed.

I do try and find out the details etc. I’ve unfortunately been in extremely bad relationships in the past that ended up being codependent and abusive (one ex had addiction problems and violent outbursts, another was very emotionally abusive). I think this is what leads me to have a guard up when it comes to any of these things. Also I think in the past my standards were so low they didn’t exist, now they’re in place and I know a red flag when I see one I’m dust the second anything arises and I find it very very hard to look past that.

Im trying to find a balanced relationship with someone who has their life together who I am also very physically attracted to. It seems impossible :(

I would advise you being a bit more lenient judging men's circumstances. There's a difference between someone not working and living at home and someone trying to save up for a house. I would move in with my dad tomorrow if he offered, I pay fortune for my house. As far as looks are concerned someone you consider only OK might grow on you when feelings get involved.

I don’t know if this is just a phase im going through or I’ve got a big guard up or it this is just me now. Is it normal to feel this way? I do feel like no one is worth it as harsh as that sounds.

I'd second this. In my opinion, I think a lot of the problem with modern OLD comes from this belief that you have to be immediately attracted to someone and be wanting to shag their brains out from the second you see them, otherwise they're not worth considering.

Attraction and sexual chemistry is very important, obviously, but I personally believe that can build the more you get to know someone - the more you get to know what makes them tick, their likes and dislikes, who they are as a person, etc.

I have a similar sort of problem with OLD in a way, in that I'm rarely immediately attracted to people. But it's probably for a different reason - it's just because they're just another person, and I don't know them yet. I wouldn't say it was because so many people looked terrible for their age or whatever.

The last person I ended up getting strong feelings for was someone that to begin with, I wasn't immediately strongly attracted to. But I definitely became attracted the more and better I got to know them.

Maybe I'm the odd one out, but I do find it sad that a lot of people place such importance in dating on immediate attraction.

I think the new dating “rules” might be to blame. Dating multiple people, waiting months to get exclusive etc. These apps make their money from people NOT settling down and getting married so they are encouraging the “kid in a candy shop” mentality. They are also really unfair to men who are short or balding or average looking and chances are, you might not even get shown their profile. I go for personality not looks generally so I don’t care if he has a chiseler jaw and full head of hair. This is why meeting people irl is so much easier.

I sound a bit similar to you and know how you feel. I'm late 30s now and probably won't find someone at this point to start a family with. I went through a tough grieving process last year because of that.

Physical attraction on some level is important and I don't recommend overriding your own emotions when it comes to that, which is what some women do. It can lead to a miserable marriage, a poor sex life, and a sad and rejected husband.

The thing that I would add about online dating is that so many things are missing from a static image. The way a man moves, his facial expressions, smile, smell and voice are all things that aren't always expressed well in photos.

It's also sensible to be wary of men who still live at home. I wouldn't rule them out completely, but with men it can signify extra baggage. It could be a financial issue such as renting being incredibly expensive, but with others it can be a sign they have got used to the comfort of their mums doing everything for them and they might expect they same from you.

It'll be difficult to know if that's the case at times because men aren't exactly going to say 'Yes I love it that my mum does everything for me. It's so convenient, I'm going to expect you to do it if I live with you....and it's kind of what women are for.....isn't it?'

Try rewriting your list of desirable traits. Take a man in his 30's living with his parents - he may be helping them pay the bills, he may be helping round the house, he may be a carer for one or both parents. Don't dismiss a man just because he hasn't got his own mortgage by the age of 30.

You've dismissed anyone with children, anyone not conventionally good looking. Broaden your horizons.

Are you still really in to an ex or something? Are you comparing these 'new' men to someone?