Lost all interest

[Fairydream567]

I was wondering if anyone else felt the same.

I’m early 30s, been single over a year now and have tried OLD. Trouble is, I’ve not met any man who seems remotely worth it. I feel no attraction to anyone, spot red flags pretty quickly and get out of there. It seems aswell that a lot of men in their 30s are using the cost of living as an excuse to be living at home with their parents etc. I can’t see myself with someone who would be doing that in their 30s.

If I already had children I would completely give up but I don’t and I do want a family so I keep trying to no avail. Am I alone in feeling like this?

There was someone I was emotionally involved with but never actually dated, and I was doing that for a while I admit. He kept coming in and out of my life and never wanting to actually move forward or start a relationship. This definitely hindered my ability to make new connections but we’re in no contact now and have been for a few months and I feel like I’m over him but this problem still exists for me despite that.

But how do you continue getting to know someone if there’s no attraction? Do you continue going on dates wasting time money and effort? All for attraction to potentially never grow anyway?
Sometimes it’s not always about physical attraction per se. The last guy I really fancied was decent looking but nothing special but we had an amazing connection which made me really physically attracted to him too. I felt this connection when we started talking though, it didn’t take ages to build, we just had that click.

That’s quite a negative mindset, how do feel about people who are generally on a downer with life, as how you come across right now

I wouldn’t say I’m on a downer about life, just men!

Hi OP I get what you are saying and where you are coming from. I don’t know anyone who would date anyone they’re not attracted to at some level. Why try and force something that isn’t there and if you’re anything like me you won’t be yourself with them anyway. Looks aren’t everything but it’s not unreasonable to want to be attracted to someone you just start dating. I’m the same, find very few men attractive and this has always been the case and it very much lowers the odds of finding someone. I guess you’re looking for someone you consider at least as equal to you in terms of their living arrangements and I believe that’s fair enough. I’ve been stung in the past of starting a relationship with someone who had a different attitude to spend/save money and earnings and he had a jolly good go at taking me to the cleaners alongside him running out of money every month and asking me for some more. Don’t be disheartened and don’t settle. Patience goes a long way I think as well as acknowledging it may take some time and to give yourself permission to take your time too

Yes exactly. I feel I’m coming off entitled or stuck up but I wasn’t born into money or anything I worked so hard to save and get a place of my own, it wasn’t easy but I did it and I know others who have done it on their own too. I’m dating because I want to have someone I can build a life and family with, I don’t see how someone who doesn’t have their finances in order to the extent they don’t have their own home would be able to even facilitate that.

The men you find on OLD aren't representative though.

Def try harder to meet men IRL.. friends of friends, friends of colleagues even.

I agree with you, there has to be an initial spark (not just physical attraction more a basic compatibility and interest in what the other person has to say..!).

This is also why you will find men you meet IRL will plan a date, they have met you and felt something/ been able to gauge your level of interest.

@Fairydream567 for the type men you ARE attracted to, which sort of women do they go for/do you see them dating? Do you match the types of women they actually marry (not just sleep with)?

The problem is you wasted years of precious time even up to a few months ago dating/fixated on abusive/unsuitable men so it sounds like it's only now that you're realistically been ready for a healthy marriage /family unit. You should also go for therapy to ensure you don't repeat to same mistakes. In your early 30s you certainly can meet good men but you need to be ruthless about who you invest your time in otherwise you'll end up just squandering your time away again just because the guy is good looking.

It definitely doesn't mean you should give up hope or marry someone who you would hate spending the rest of your life with , but you now need to be realistic about what what your top priorities are for a marriage partner and also be prepared to compromise when reasonable. even though you're very attractive, you simply cannot afford to be unnecessarily picky at this age. I recommend the book Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb - she had exactly the same dilemma as you and other women .

Men can have sex and all the perks of marriage nowadays very easily without commitment due to so many women allowing this, so there's no incentive amymore for most of them to commit or to strive to be the sort of man women need them to be in order maintain a woman's interest.

The other thing you need to remind yourself to remove unnecessary pressure, is that no one, including you, is guaranteed to have children, regardless of the age you marry. Infertility and sub fertility is surprisingly common so make sure the person you marry, you'll be happy enough with them if you ended up as a couple unable to have kids. Mentally start preparing now that kids are not guaranteed, and start to make peace with this 🙂

Oh so here goes

Are you aware of attachment theory types?
secure
avoidant
anxious

Read the book called "Attached" Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine

Read it - figure out what type you are. You want to be able to move into the secure style. You only want to attract a guy with a secure attachment style, otherwise its a long uphill battle, hoping someone can convert whilst they are with you. Guys with a secure attachment style don't stay on the market for long.

Have you heard of the dark masculine and light masculine energies? Again be careful that you aren't only attracting men in their light masculine, they are so hard to get to commit to anything, again read about it, find an online course so you can learn about it. Follow emilyadini on Insta - she talks a lot of sense about some of these issues. Talking about useful insta sites, follow successverse_ the people talking on there are spot on with regards to how a relationship should be and how you should feel

in my experience men that have been married with children are a lot more kind and caring because of their experiences than the guys in their 30's I know without these experiences, these guys are idiots re women tbh!

I live next door to 3 guys, all really good looking, in their early to mid thirties, they have good careers, earn good money, go to the gym, but they havent done the inner work. The way they talk about women and sexually is awful, I have to leave the table when we have a neighbourly BBW when they talk like this. They are all attractive, but none of them have a woman sharing their bed on a regular basis, women are waking up to this and not putting up with it long term.

I met my 48yr old spiritual, extremely clever guy on Tinder. There weren't any sparks at first, we had a 3 hr first date, I wasn't fussed at the end if it, no sparks, he was truthful, didn't have any game. I had a second date with him because he was keen, so why not? Then he revealed his spiritual side, slowly but surely and then he got a lot more interesting to me, by the end of our 9hr second date, I was hooked!

You don't want to date a guy that has "game", believe me.

Your bang on it is only now I’m ready. But I recognise within myself my own issues with commitment phobia and emotional unavailability. I’m desperately trying to get past it but it’s very hard.

Thank you for the questions and the book recommendations it’s really useful advice and given me something to think about.

I think it has been very hard online dating and sorting through the trash. Especially considering my last date seemed nice whilst we were chatting prior to meeting then the first time we met he ended up telling on himself and he had a million glaring red flags. I know I did the right thing rejecting him but it is so disheartening.

I’m also now looking back on all the lovely, handsome men I rejected in the past because they were too emotionally available and I panicked because I didn’t know what to do with that and I ghosted them or ran away. I know it’s terrible behaviour but I genuinely didn’t know how to navigate that sort of consistent positive attention. I’ve always deflected from the mess that is myself by going for men who are a lot messier than me and its resulted in me being where I am now. I wish I could go back in time and do it again :( I know it’s not too late but I’m so worried about making more mistakes.

Your bang on it is only now I’m ready. But I recognise within myself my own issues with commitment phobia and emotional unavailability. I’m desperately trying to get past it but it’s very hard

Then you are nothing like ready. Wanting something very badly doesn't mean you're ready. There is no self acceptance in what you're saying here. You are full of parts you want gone. How are you going to show those parts to a new partner openly, in a healthy way? You can't, until you accept them yourself, and that means that until you stop trying to 'get past' parts of you, you won't be able to have an open, healthy relationship.

I know it’s terrible behaviour but I genuinely didn’t know how to navigate that sort of consistent positive attention

You have to understand that you had your reasons, and you weren't just being a terrible person. They weren't mistakes, they were a reflection of where you were at, deep down inside. You were rejecting you, and so you couldn't let anybody close, just in case they saw those parts of you that you deemed to be unacceptable. And you're still doing it. Part of being emotionally available is acceptance that people aren't perfect, and not pressuring them to be, or even expecting them to be. You're not even doing that for yourself, currently.

Someone once said to me 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you.' Have a think about that.

Thank you this is useful.

im aware of attachment theory. I’m an anxious-avoidant. Mostly avoidant.

can you expand more on light and dark masculine? I also looked at that Insta page and looks very useful so thanks again.

so few men have done the inner work I agree, that’s what makes it hard for me to continue. I put myself out there on apps and stuff just to be spoken to poorly and disrespected and experience these micro traumas on a daily basis. This all doesn’t help and causes the guard to go up even further. Yesterday alone I was told to “enjoy my cats” asked why I wasn’t married yet as I’m “too attractive to be single”, another one told me he wanted to “slap my arse” another one kept asking me for selfies, another one who I had a date planned with told me last minute he didn’t know what to do as he couldn’t think of a plan.

Obviously I stop talking to these types straight away but it still gets to me and having to wade through all this crap is tough.

I understand what you’re saying but if I recognise it’s a part of me holding me back then it is something I need to change right? I can’t just accept I have a fear of commitment when that’s the thing that’s stopped me from having healthy relationships ever in my life?

You don't necessarily have to accept it as your set trait for all time. You have to accept it now, and understand why you are that way now, and accept the way it affects you now, and be sympathetic to the fact that that's where you are now.

You won't change it, but if you view it differently, it may well change itself, at the pace that your nature dictates. You may want it to be sunny and dry, but if it's been raining for a long time, you have to accept that, for now, things will be damp, and there is still some cloud. You can spend your time telling yourself that this is not ok and that it must change, but that won't make any difference to the speed in which in changes. You have to get on with your life, and wait for it to clear up.

Your first boundary to get sorted out is the one between you and yourself, before you start looking at where your boundaries are in relationships with others. I suspect something in you already knows this, and that's why you've lost interest.

Your feelings are not some pesky irritation that you need to find a way to overcome. They are signposts, and if you follow them, and respect them, they will lead you where you need to be. Insecure attachment styles come from having parents who (for some reason) didn't fully focus on you, leaving you to feel neglected and having to deal with rejection, for at least some of the time. When we turn 18, we don't stop needing parents, but we are deemed old enough to parent ourselves, and what you're doing, by trying to push aside your feelings, is parenting yourself in the way that was demonstrated to you: dismissively. Try thinking of yourself as a child. You keep trying to make friends with people and it doesn't work. How do you parent that? 'You need to change yourself!', or 'Let's go somewhere where people are more friendly and more your sort of people, sweetheart'?

Hey @Fairydream567 This is a pretty good explanation of the light and dark energies.

The 4 archetypes you see within the image below: Light Feminine, Light Masculine, Dark Masculine, Dark Feminine.
Four archetypes

https://www.womenofancientfutures.com/blog/darklight&masculinefeminine

I find it hard to describe, I go on retreats to learn about this stuff for several years now.

Essentially, if as a woman you are in the same quadrant as your partner, its not going to work. If you are in your dark feminine, you are likely to attract a guy in his light masculine (the opposite), which is fun, think Peter Pan, the guys that never want to grow up but happy to backpack round Asia and just see what happens. Whereas a guy in his dark masculine, will be commanding and capable etc, he is likely to attract a women in her light feminine, think festival fairy bouncy light girlie type. The trick is to learn how to move through all 4 quadrants, maybe changing up to two or three times a day with your partner around or in a business setting, if needed (this is much much much easier said than done - it can take months, years to learn this stuff. Think about sex, you cant always both be in control, someone kinda has to lead for seconds or minutes at at time.

As someone that has been single a lot, I have had to operate from my dark masculine, I am very comfortable there, but I cant date someone who is in his dark masculine all the time as we would clash massively - infact a guy in his dark masculine just wouldn't be attracted to me, full stop. When he steps into his dark masculine, I need to step out so he can have a turn, that means I probably need to shift into one of my feminine energies. The shifting can happen in seconds, as its an energy. Its the foundation of why relationships typically work or don't. If you were to look back at crucial moments as to why a relationship didn't work, its likely that you weren't in suitable quadrants as the other.

One woman I was in circle with recently, said, "I chose a guy, not realising he was in his light masculine, he wouldn't step up, this has left me being a single parent now". I think back to lots of guys I dated, they were in their light masculine and wouldn't step up, I now have a dislike for the light masculine as I perceive it to be weak and flaky.

But I’m responsible for me and I’m never gonna get past all this if I don’t recognise it’s an issue.

With regards to seeing myself as a child struggling to make friends. If I’m the common denominator then there obviously is something about me that needs to change otherwise the problem will never change

But you're not the common denominator. Do people you know and love and trust see you as problematic?

If you want to start family then financial stability is very important. Children are expensive. Unless you have grandparents who are willing to help you, childcare can take up huge chunk of your earnings.
I would not get too hung up on people's circumstances but look also at the what's behind them and what that person has to offer.
For example living with parents for a while in order to save for a house is fine. Living with them because you generally can't or don't want to be responsible for your life is another story.

Attraction is very important but sometimes it's instant and sometimes it takes a little while to develop. That's why giving it few dates if someone is a right person can be worth a try.

It's not about lowering your standards, it's great that you have them but keep an open mind and don't get to rigid.