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Original poster

He was a narcissist but he was my narcissist.....

44 replies

rougeroses · 04/11/2023 20:57

My ex husband.

I am finally free. But it's Saturday night and I'm struggling. He's been a bit of a nightmare today. He's blocked on everything apart from an email address that I use to contact him.

I had been doing 'grey rock' really good until today. I asked him to come and remove his tools that have been sitting in my hall way. They've been here a few weeks but I was getting desperate to get them gone. Fed up of seeing them, want to give my house a good clean and sort (I am a complete clean freak but heartbreak has put a stop to that one the past 7 weeks) and felt it would be pointless if all his tools are blocking my hall way plus side door which is dangerous as it's a fire escape.

Anyway I sent him a civil email to come and remove them and he did....but he made it hard work. I left my side door open for him to get them and left the house. I have cameras on the outside of my house and I could see he was sat there waiting for me to return. He then started sending me emails asking me to call him. Asking me to come back and talk to him. I didn't.

He left but the emails carried on. He kept talking about finding someone else and that's what he has to do to get over me and I can't give him a hard time over it.

I replied to all his emails - saying I can't carry on with our marriage due to the damage he has caused but I feel i well and truly failed at grey rock today.

He then said he was going out tonight and he would stop emailing me. Not heard anything from him and I know full well he is out tonight either with his new supply or looking for it. Or just looking for sex....and it breaks my heart. Even though I'm out of it and would never return. I feel like I've lost my person. Even though he was a bad person. I feel alone. But I don't want him a

Honestly i just wish he could have come and got his tools without any of the rest of it. Like any normal person would. I do feel better now they are gone though. Just notning is easy with him! I suggested he get someone else to come and do it but of course that wasn't an option. He's only removed them in the hope that he could speak to me. He would rather his tools still be in my home as a reminder of him.

So maybe I've done well today. I just hate Saturday nights!

OP posts:
ArthurbellaScott · 04/11/2023 21:10

It can take an astonishingly long time to disentangle oneself emotionally.

It feels like you're hurting because you miss them: in fact I'd say it's more likely that you are hurting because of emotional damage.

Original poster
rougeroses · 04/11/2023 21:30

ArthurbellaScott · 04/11/2023 21:10

It can take an astonishingly long time to disentangle oneself emotionally.

It feels like you're hurting because you miss them: in fact I'd say it's more likely that you are hurting because of emotional damage.

That makes sense. I don't think I miss him at all. If I did, he would probably be here now. But I don't want him here. It's maybe more the hurt that after 8 years together and he is telling me about how he needs to find someone else. It makes me feel worthless.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 04/11/2023 22:40

I get what you are feeling and I think that's the trauma bond that's developed, or how it feels for me anyway. You know they are bad, they continue to do bad things but they are just there in the back of your mind.

I'm six months out from my stbxw and I don't want to go back to that, I would rather move on and find someone else who's actually stable and not abusive.

The idea of meeting someone new at some point is exciting but at the same time weird and makes me nervous because I've spent over ten years in that situation and it's not the norm.

The weekends are the worst for me also, nice being alone in one way but also very lonely.

Elmer83 · 04/11/2023 22:59

It’s the trauma bond. You’re obviously very strong…keep going!

AloneAgain2023 · 04/11/2023 23:00

@rougeroses I can totally relate to what you’re saying - you know they’ve behaved badly but they were ‘your person’. It’s a good way of putting it.

My situation has been nightmarish this year - separated in March but still under the same roof for now (I’m moving out soon). He is seeing someone else and has been all year, and has told me several times during the last few months that he ‘checked out long ago’ - trouble is he didn’t bother sharing that with me until he’d found someone else! And it’s very possible there have been more ‘someone else’s’.

There has been a lot of lying, betrayal, deception, & gaslighting and ultimately we couldn’t possibly have recovered from it all. BUT despite my head knowing all this, my heart still hurts desperately. 18 years to look back on and I’m now questioning most of it 😞 Like you I feel utterly worthless, as well as inadequate / unattractive / insecure.

Wishing you well 💐

IfKipling · 04/11/2023 23:03

I had to remind myself what I was getting out of the narcissistic relationships so I could really disentangle myself. Narcissists tend to be charismatic, the types people like spending time with, they make you feel good, maybe even better than your self esteem allows. Deal with the core wound, that core hole that they fill and you deal with the narcissist. It is difficult though, you are not imagining it. The trauma bond is really more or a trauma addiction.

Bluela18 · 05/11/2023 00:12

I think he's done that on purpose to make you feel guilty and saying he's going out tonight to meet someone, clearly intentional. It's terribly painful to even imagine what he might be up to and its OK to be sad, you havnt failed at anything. Keep going , in time you will be emotionally free of him too!

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 07:30

AloneAgain2023 · 04/11/2023 23:00

@rougeroses I can totally relate to what you’re saying - you know they’ve behaved badly but they were ‘your person’. It’s a good way of putting it.

My situation has been nightmarish this year - separated in March but still under the same roof for now (I’m moving out soon). He is seeing someone else and has been all year, and has told me several times during the last few months that he ‘checked out long ago’ - trouble is he didn’t bother sharing that with me until he’d found someone else! And it’s very possible there have been more ‘someone else’s’.

There has been a lot of lying, betrayal, deception, & gaslighting and ultimately we couldn’t possibly have recovered from it all. BUT despite my head knowing all this, my heart still hurts desperately. 18 years to look back on and I’m now questioning most of it 😞 Like you I feel utterly worthless, as well as inadequate / unattractive / insecure.

Wishing you well 💐

I'm so sorry to hear your story. Living under the same roof as him still must be so tough. I really hope things start to improve when you get your own place and you are free of it all.

You are absolutely not any of the things that you feel. I promise you. You've been through hell and life needs to become all about you now and your recovery. I'm not sure how bad things were (sounds bad from your description) but I am doing the freedom programme at the moment and it's brilliant when leaving a narcissistic relationship.

I think this about myself too. I was angry at myself for being such a people pleaser and I should have stood up to him more. Or just not be bothered about the way he treated me - I used to be angry at myself for not being able to laugh it off. It's so sad.

Sending you all my love x

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 07:58

I'm feeling a bit better this morong. I slept well.

Don't be mad at me but I did a bit of digging and I think I've found out who his new supply is. I always had an inkling about her when we were together. She looks quite young, 2 young kids, lives in a council house. She looks very vulnerable by the things she posts. Exactly what he is looking for sadly. I can pretty much guarantee he will be living with her by the new year.

I feel worried for her. I'm not going to get involved but it was only last weekend I called the police on him.

This break up has really dragged out as he can't stand that he has lost control on me. I've been accused constantly of having someone else. I don't. He can't bare the thought of him being the problem so there has to be someone else. Obviously he is the one doing it all along.

Anyway, I don't feel half as bad about this as I expected too. I was always absolutely petrified of losing him in case he treated the next one better than me - which I think is a common thing to think when dealing with narcissists. But I feel fine, despite what I may look like! I know I snooped but sometimes it better to know than not know. Will be interesting to see if I get any emails from him today.

He is very charming and really quite attractive. A bit of the bad boy type with the charm. He's convinced he looks like David Beckmann which I can never see but until recently I always fancied them pants off him which would drive me insane because he was treating me so badly.

Trauma bond is very real but I am absolutely going to give my very all to break it. I think I need to give myself some credit, I've worked so hard on learning about abuse, behaviours...narcissists is my favourite subject!

OP posts:
Redleaves1 · 05/11/2023 08:00

Your feelings are normal human emotions, you have to ride them out like any normal relationship. If you ignore the narc part It’s sad when a relationship ends. Regardless of how they view a relationship we are in it for love and grown and partnership. We didn’t know that they aren’t and it takes a while to realise it. We are mourning a relationship even if we weren’t in a real one to the narc.

It takes a lonnnnng time. I’m many years out now. I was less sad because he threatened my life and towards the end I hated him. But I still mourn the life I thought we were making. I was sad because it meant nothing to him and I was used but that’s a narc relationship unfortunately.

It takes great strength to walk and to stay away knowing that you deserve better, especially after being told endlessly you don’t deserve anything. They are empty relationships and will never amount to anything.

surferparadise · 05/11/2023 08:04

Watch HG Tudor on YouTube- he gives excellent advice about getting untangled from a narc

Redleaves1 · 05/11/2023 08:05

Oh and the next partner….I felt like that for ages but then I realised that they don’t find someone they treat better, they find someone they can manipulate easier . I feel sorry for her for being with a man capable of such awful things. She has been lied to but the father of her baby hit and abused all his previous gfriends, lost many jobs, tried to take his own life for attention, threw things at his daughter….was/is just and awful man. Her partner uses her like he did me and it’s sad because she is unaware…..well maybe not as my daughter has said he has started shouted at her too now.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/11/2023 08:06

You can look at it that way, but you're missing the bigger picture. His tools are gone, he didn't get the face to face he wanted, you waited him out, he went away and his tools are gone. That's something good, you don't need to castigate yourself over this. That reaction after interactions with him has happened so much it's a well worn pathway in your mind and it's easy to fall into that way of thinking. I you need to remind yourself that you achieved something good here, his tools are no longer in your life. One less hook in you, one less thing hanging over you, one less obstacle in your path away from him.

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 08:07

Redleaves1 · 05/11/2023 08:00

Your feelings are normal human emotions, you have to ride them out like any normal relationship. If you ignore the narc part It’s sad when a relationship ends. Regardless of how they view a relationship we are in it for love and grown and partnership. We didn’t know that they aren’t and it takes a while to realise it. We are mourning a relationship even if we weren’t in a real one to the narc.

It takes a lonnnnng time. I’m many years out now. I was less sad because he threatened my life and towards the end I hated him. But I still mourn the life I thought we were making. I was sad because it meant nothing to him and I was used but that’s a narc relationship unfortunately.

It takes great strength to walk and to stay away knowing that you deserve better, especially after being told endlessly you don’t deserve anything. They are empty relationships and will never amount to anything.

That's very scary for you. I'm sorry you went through that. Keeping the anger and hate is good but I don't find I can hold my anger for long.

I was told the opposite. He was going to kill himself and it would be all my fault. I would have his death on my hands for the rest of my life. How they can be so cruel I have no idea.

Yes I can see how that works. He promises me and promises me that he will change. It's all completely empty words and I can see right through it. But I'm sad that I used to believe it. I could kick myself at the same time.

I do miss him. But I don't want him here. I suppose as time passes I'm scared it will hurt more. I know he's going to rub the new supply in my face too but I just need to remember all the shit he's put me through. It really is horrific stuff.

Thank you for sharing your story, I suppose I need to realise it's going to hurt for a long time....but that's ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 08:13

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/11/2023 08:06

You can look at it that way, but you're missing the bigger picture. His tools are gone, he didn't get the face to face he wanted, you waited him out, he went away and his tools are gone. That's something good, you don't need to castigate yourself over this. That reaction after interactions with him has happened so much it's a well worn pathway in your mind and it's easy to fall into that way of thinking. I you need to remind yourself that you achieved something good here, his tools are no longer in your life. One less hook in you, one less thing hanging over you, one less obstacle in your path away from him.

Thank you! You are so right! And I'm going to clean my house today to my hearts content - providing the dc will let me!

I had to build myself up to ask him. The nerves were real. I've been waiting weeks for the right time. He didn't want to get them because he knew they were driving me mad. He also won't do anything for me now that is going to help me. It always was a bloody nightmare to get him to do anything if he didn't get anything out of it.

And I stood my ground and didn't see him. Haven't unblocked him. He still can only contact me through email So yes....yesterday was actually a win. I knew what was coming and I know I shouldn't have replied to all his emails and got tangled up in it all.....but the tools are gone finally!

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 05/11/2023 08:21

I can empathise with how you’re feeling.

A narcissist does leave a void behind partly because they are so intense in a relationship you weirdly miss the drama. And knowing they will be on the hunt for a new supply isn’t nice. Think of them as a vampire that is seeking the next victim to infect and that may help to stop you feeling so bad about it. But it is hurtful and sad & they know that so can use it to hurt you further.

Your feelings are completely valid. I hope things feel a little easier soon.

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 08:52

Twiglets1 · 05/11/2023 08:21

I can empathise with how you’re feeling.

A narcissist does leave a void behind partly because they are so intense in a relationship you weirdly miss the drama. And knowing they will be on the hunt for a new supply isn’t nice. Think of them as a vampire that is seeking the next victim to infect and that may help to stop you feeling so bad about it. But it is hurtful and sad & they know that so can use it to hurt you further.

Your feelings are completely valid. I hope things feel a little easier soon.

Yes that's so right with the drama. I was saying to my mum only yesterday that I won't know what to do when the drama calms down and neither will she! It's like being stuck on high alert every second of the day and my body doesn't know how to cope as it all calms down. It's been over a week since I've actually seen him and I still can't relax. Been staying at my mums as I'm scared he will turn up here.

I'm determined to keep going. I've got no choice. I used to dream about being free of him. I never imagined how hard it would be though. 2 years I've been trying to leave him and it's been hell on earth.

Thanks for understanding - it's nice to know it's all normal and I'm not going crazy x

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 05/11/2023 09:02

rougeroses · 05/11/2023 08:52

Yes that's so right with the drama. I was saying to my mum only yesterday that I won't know what to do when the drama calms down and neither will she! It's like being stuck on high alert every second of the day and my body doesn't know how to cope as it all calms down. It's been over a week since I've actually seen him and I still can't relax. Been staying at my mums as I'm scared he will turn up here.

I'm determined to keep going. I've got no choice. I used to dream about being free of him. I never imagined how hard it would be though. 2 years I've been trying to leave him and it's been hell on earth.

Thanks for understanding - it's nice to know it's all normal and I'm not going crazy x

Show quote history

I totally understand how you feel because my daughter was involved with a narcissist and it took a huge toll on her mental health and mine!

It took a long time for her to get over him partly because she somehow missed the drama, even while knowing logically that he was toxic. She used to say that life seemed grey and flat without him, even though she ended things she regretted it at times. He played all sorts of mind games on her particularly in regards to the new supply which I won’t get into on here. Suffice to say in the end she really “saw” him and could process that he had no heart and she really, genuinely was better off without him.

I know you will get there too. But it isn’t easy. I’m glad your mum is supporting you x

ArthurbellaScott · 05/11/2023 09:08

Trauma addiction rather than trauma bond is spot on.

cats231 · 05/11/2023 09:22

I have gone through this many times as I kept going back to him. He would always be with someone as soon as we split as he knew I would panic & go back to him thinking no one would fancy or love me like him. I spent 23yrs like that. Finally 3years ago I had enough, I just couldn’t take the coercive control anymore. I blocked all contact with him & avoided places where I knew I might see him. He has been with many lady’s over the last year & I really don’t care anymore. I am at the point of when I see him I feel nothing. I am still alone, don’t go out socially & still get upset at the weekends as it is hard to be by yourself. But it is great not to be worrying, walking on eggshells, feeling like we are the problem, listening to lies & being deceived. The list is endless. Please block contact if you can or at least give it a try. Don’t give him anymore of the attention & control he wants. Stay strong, you are truly a star xxx

cats231 · 05/11/2023 09:23

*many lady’s over the last 3years

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 09:27

ArthurbellaScott · 05/11/2023 09:08

Trauma addiction rather than trauma bond is spot on.

Do you know what - that makes perfect sense also.
I don't feel like I have any sort of bond to him. I don't love him or have any sort of feelings. The word 'bond' to me suggests that I would.

Addiction feels right. It's like I need that fix from him. I've spent almost 8 years trying to please him every single day to keep him happy. That's not out of love (it was for the first year maybe) but out of fear. I'm addicted to the highs and lows he gives me. I suppose my body is waiting for me to get the 'high' again to make everything seem ok. But I'm not going to let it happen. I'm going to ride it out and find other healthy ways to distract me.

It all makes perfect sense.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 05/11/2023 09:32

I agree trauma addiction describes it more accurately than trauma bond. Addiction is something you can’t control and it takes huge willpower to stop. Nevertheless it is possible to break the cycle of the addictive highs & lows your body has got used to.

Catsafterme · 05/11/2023 09:55

It is an addiction I found, nothing like anything I had felt before with anyone else. That was hard to break early on. I think it's because the relationship highs were so intense and perfect it felt like nothing else compared or could compare.

I dunno about you but at times day to day life feels mundane. It's nice like, oh thank God I don't have to watch what I'm doing or say, I can do what I want but on the other hand it's flat. Normal doesn't necessarily feel normal any more and I'm having to learn it is actually normal.

Mine went the opposite route to yours, I was drained of everything I had, made me very sick and I was then deemed enemy number one, discarded and she's now scapegoating me and others. Taken everything we had for herself including the children, not seen or spoken to them in six months and neither has anyone else.

Now I'm stuck in limbo I can't move on. I'm having to chase mine through courts for the children as they are stuck under the control. I'm being smeared, falsely accused, vilified when I haven't done anything at all.

Spoonfulrocks · 05/11/2023 09:59

Nothing to add here which is useful like other PP…but wanted to say how well you’ve actually done and how difficult it is for you and will be for a while but honestly you’ve done so so well. Sending you a hug whether it’s the done thing or not x