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Original poster

He was a narcissist but he was my narcissist.....

44 replies

rougeroses · 04/11/2023 20:57

My ex husband.

I am finally free. But it's Saturday night and I'm struggling. He's been a bit of a nightmare today. He's blocked on everything apart from an email address that I use to contact him.

I had been doing 'grey rock' really good until today. I asked him to come and remove his tools that have been sitting in my hall way. They've been here a few weeks but I was getting desperate to get them gone. Fed up of seeing them, want to give my house a good clean and sort (I am a complete clean freak but heartbreak has put a stop to that one the past 7 weeks) and felt it would be pointless if all his tools are blocking my hall way plus side door which is dangerous as it's a fire escape.

Anyway I sent him a civil email to come and remove them and he did....but he made it hard work. I left my side door open for him to get them and left the house. I have cameras on the outside of my house and I could see he was sat there waiting for me to return. He then started sending me emails asking me to call him. Asking me to come back and talk to him. I didn't.

He left but the emails carried on. He kept talking about finding someone else and that's what he has to do to get over me and I can't give him a hard time over it.

I replied to all his emails - saying I can't carry on with our marriage due to the damage he has caused but I feel i well and truly failed at grey rock today.

He then said he was going out tonight and he would stop emailing me. Not heard anything from him and I know full well he is out tonight either with his new supply or looking for it. Or just looking for sex....and it breaks my heart. Even though I'm out of it and would never return. I feel like I've lost my person. Even though he was a bad person. I feel alone. But I don't want him a

Honestly i just wish he could have come and got his tools without any of the rest of it. Like any normal person would. I do feel better now they are gone though. Just notning is easy with him! I suggested he get someone else to come and do it but of course that wasn't an option. He's only removed them in the hope that he could speak to me. He would rather his tools still be in my home as a reminder of him.

So maybe I've done well today. I just hate Saturday nights!

OP posts:
Lavenderfowl · 05/11/2023 10:18

Saturday nights are hard @rougeroses I was going through exactly the same as you last night...and went into a flat spin when he rang to ask if I'd like to go out with him and the DC. For a moment I almost said yes, but it would be too easy to fall for his crap as I'm lonely...but I said no and stayed as grey rock as I could. I hate what he has done to us, every time after she's been with him my DD asks if he could maybe come back, and his behaviour wasn't all that bad...so hard to cope with, for me and for them, but like you I just need to keep walking ... All the best for an easier day today x

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 10:32

Lavenderfowl · 05/11/2023 10:18

Saturday nights are hard @rougeroses I was going through exactly the same as you last night...and went into a flat spin when he rang to ask if I'd like to go out with him and the DC. For a moment I almost said yes, but it would be too easy to fall for his crap as I'm lonely...but I said no and stayed as grey rock as I could. I hate what he has done to us, every time after she's been with him my DD asks if he could maybe come back, and his behaviour wasn't all that bad...so hard to cope with, for me and for them, but like you I just need to keep walking ... All the best for an easier day today x

Hugs - well done for thinking about what is right for you and standing strong! It's so hard to say no - I used to say yes to absolutely everything. I'd get the silent treatment if I didn't. Saying no is scary.

My ds hasn't seen much of his dad. Ex really can't be bothered to look after him properly. It was always me that made sure he was looked after. He has other children from a previous relationship (who I love very much) and I used to parent them too. My step son would literally be in his pants all day of if I didn't get him dressed and teeth brushed etc. Ex hasn't seen mucn of ds, if he has, it's only been a way to see me. I've told him I'm not stopping him from seeing ds at all but he hasn't asked to see him or even asked how he is.

Ds though is breaking my heart. Like you I sometimes think it wasn't that bad. When ds talks about things we all did together - they are the nice days - it does pull on my heart strings. Like last night, we would usually alll do fire works at my mums and exH would light them all. He was the entertaining one. I missed that. Instead last night we had a McDonald's and drove all around the city watching them from the car. It wasn't the same but then I shouldn't expect it to be I suppose.

It's hard. I hope you are ok. You absolutely did the right thing to say no. Imagine if you didn't - it's just not worth it xx

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 18:23

Spoonfulrocks · 05/11/2023 09:59

Nothing to add here which is useful like other PP…but wanted to say how well you’ve actually done and how difficult it is for you and will be for a while but honestly you’ve done so so well. Sending you a hug whether it’s the done thing or not x

Just seen your kind comment. Thank you, comments like this make me feel a lot better so thank you x

OP posts:
MarzipanKnees · 05/11/2023 18:27

You are doing brilliantly. It’s so difficult to break that connection.

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 18:49

MarzipanKnees · 05/11/2023 18:27

You are doing brilliantly. It’s so difficult to break that connection.

Thank you so much! Today has been a productive day. I had completely lost my motivation so it's been nice to be able to get on with things. No emails from him today either!

OP posts:
FrogFighter · 05/11/2023 19:01

I am v similar to you OP. I am at the point of wondering if my entire future will be about me thinking there is something missing in my life.

can you really be totally fulfilled as a single? Or I’d there always going to be a nagging feeling that life would be better with ‘another half’ and, is it worth even putting up with the negatives of having someone around just to feel complete.

fwiw, I’m quite happy on my own but it does feel as if the world is geared up for couples.

I wonder if that will always make feel that teeny bit incomplete not to have someone to call your own.

it’s then I think perhaps we shouldn’t have split up.

CheekyHobson · 05/11/2023 19:49

It's maybe more the hurt that after 8 years together and he is telling me about how he needs to find someone else. It makes me feel worthless.

I was told the opposite. He was going to kill himself and it would be all my fault. I would have his death on my hands for the rest of my life. How they can be so cruel I have no idea.

This is why no contact (or as little contact as you can get away with if you have shared DC) is so so so important in the early stages when you are recovering.

No contact's main benefit is that it limits the narc's ability to use their words to fuck with your head while you are still vulnerable to influence from them because your feelings and understandings haven't sufficiently processed/consolidated/hardened yet.

I'm a long way down the track from you and if my ex was flaunting a new girlfriend in my face and telling me she was better than me in every way (younger, hotter, richer, more attentive to his needs), I would not care one tiny bit. It certainly would not affect my self esteem at all, even if she actually was every single one of those things.

The only thoughts/feelings I would have is absolute pity for the girlfriend that she's getting into a relationship with someone who I know to be incapable of being a decent partner (despite putting on a great show in the beginning), and contempt for him that he is so insecure that he needs to try to make himself feel superior to me by damaging my self-esteem.

If he threatened to kill himself if I didn't get back together with him, I'd tell him that it would be a very selfish thing to do given he has children, and that I would be hanging up and calling the police to do a welfare check on him.

My feelings are completely divorced from him now and I take absolutely nothing from what he says. I know at a deep level that his perspective is twisted and all his horrible words are just sad attempts to make himself feel like a big man. I even feel comfortable being friendly to him when he is behaving well as I am completely secure in my ability to walk away and enforce hard boundaries when he is not behaving well. The irony is that at the end of the day, my opinion of him is far more important to him than his opinion of me is important to me. I don't care at all what he thinks of me.

You will get there one day. You will start to see his words and actions as the empty noise clamouring for attention that they are, and learn to take nothing to heart. It's a wonderful freedom.

Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 21:59

FrogFighter · 05/11/2023 19:01

I am v similar to you OP. I am at the point of wondering if my entire future will be about me thinking there is something missing in my life.

can you really be totally fulfilled as a single? Or I’d there always going to be a nagging feeling that life would be better with ‘another half’ and, is it worth even putting up with the negatives of having someone around just to feel complete.

fwiw, I’m quite happy on my own but it does feel as if the world is geared up for couples.

I wonder if that will always make feel that teeny bit incomplete not to have someone to call your own.

it’s then I think perhaps we shouldn’t have split up.

I wish I had the answer but I don't know. I can't imagine wanting to share my home with anyone. It's mine and I need my own space. Equally I'd get married again and have more children (I'm 38 so that's pushing it).

I'm definitely not ready yet. I'd love for it to find me...but I don't go anywhere lol. Unless the man of my dreams can find me in b&m or home bargains then I'm screwed....

I like what my mums has. They don't live together. No financial ties. See each other a few times a week, stay at each others houses and go on lovely holidays.

I don't know. Being content is most important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 05/11/2023 22:07

CheekyHobson · 05/11/2023 19:49

It's maybe more the hurt that after 8 years together and he is telling me about how he needs to find someone else. It makes me feel worthless.

I was told the opposite. He was going to kill himself and it would be all my fault. I would have his death on my hands for the rest of my life. How they can be so cruel I have no idea.

This is why no contact (or as little contact as you can get away with if you have shared DC) is so so so important in the early stages when you are recovering.

No contact's main benefit is that it limits the narc's ability to use their words to fuck with your head while you are still vulnerable to influence from them because your feelings and understandings haven't sufficiently processed/consolidated/hardened yet.

I'm a long way down the track from you and if my ex was flaunting a new girlfriend in my face and telling me she was better than me in every way (younger, hotter, richer, more attentive to his needs), I would not care one tiny bit. It certainly would not affect my self esteem at all, even if she actually was every single one of those things.

The only thoughts/feelings I would have is absolute pity for the girlfriend that she's getting into a relationship with someone who I know to be incapable of being a decent partner (despite putting on a great show in the beginning), and contempt for him that he is so insecure that he needs to try to make himself feel superior to me by damaging my self-esteem.

If he threatened to kill himself if I didn't get back together with him, I'd tell him that it would be a very selfish thing to do given he has children, and that I would be hanging up and calling the police to do a welfare check on him.

My feelings are completely divorced from him now and I take absolutely nothing from what he says. I know at a deep level that his perspective is twisted and all his horrible words are just sad attempts to make himself feel like a big man. I even feel comfortable being friendly to him when he is behaving well as I am completely secure in my ability to walk away and enforce hard boundaries when he is not behaving well. The irony is that at the end of the day, my opinion of him is far more important to him than his opinion of me is important to me. I don't care at all what he thinks of me.

You will get there one day. You will start to see his words and actions as the empty noise clamouring for attention that they are, and learn to take nothing to heart. It's a wonderful freedom.

Thank you for posting. It's nice to see someone at the other end where it literally means nothing.

I do wonder if I'm near the end. And that might sound daft seen as it's only been weeks but I actually left him just over 2 years ago. Haven't lived together properly since. No financial ties to him for 2 years. I have my own home now which isn't anything to do with him. I spent over a year in therapy, did courses on self esteem, anxiety, boundaries...2 years ago I had no tattoos. Now I have 10 and they all mean something.

Don't get me wrong, I've spent 2 years trying to save our marriage but at a distance to see if he would change. He's slept at my house, we were back to having regular sex, went on a few weekends away but that was all part of the love bombing.

I'm currently doing the freedom programme which is amazing and still have therapy when I need it.

It's like I've got over him and our marriage whilst trying to save it. He didn't change. He just got worse and I saw right through it because of all the work I've done. I want to be a better version of myself...for me and my kids so I really am trying.

I will definitely have good and bad days. Yesterday was bad. Today has been great.

I just hope I'm over the worst and it doesn't come back and hit me later but I'm prepared that it might do.

I'm also glad you said about phoning the police to do a welfare check as that's exactly what I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 22:15

UPDATE:

Just wanted to come back to this. My lovely narcissistic ex husband who only 48 hours ago wanted me to try again with our marriage and swore to me he had no one else has just emailed me to say he has found someone else 😂😂😂

Honestly....what a prick lol. I've also been horrible and cold tonight according to him. He asked to FaceTime our son which I agreed. He then asked my son if he wanted to go out for tea tomorrow with his dad. This annoyed me our son is 5. He should be asking me and not our son. He hasn't seen our son in 9 days since I called the police on exh.

I ended the call and then emailed him to say in future he needs to ask me first before saying anything to ds. I was then called cold and horrible. 3 separate emails. The last one saying he had found someone else and he wanted me to find out before anyone else. How kind.

I haven't replied. I don't think he's making it up. She's his next supply. I'm worried for her.

On the plus side....I'm now glad that all his accusations towards me should stop. Hopefully he will now leave me alone!

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 06/11/2023 22:21

He probably isn’t making it up you’re right @rougeroses

My daughters narcissistic ex had a new girl within one week of them splitting up. This was despite the fact that he claimed to still be in love with my daughter and throughout their relationship he had consistently accused HER of having other men lined up & thrown multiple tantrums over it.
She never did have another partner lined up but he did.

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 22:24

Twiglets1 · 06/11/2023 22:21

He probably isn’t making it up you’re right @rougeroses

My daughters narcissistic ex had a new girl within one week of them splitting up. This was despite the fact that he claimed to still be in love with my daughter and throughout their relationship he had consistently accused HER of having other men lined up & thrown multiple tantrums over it.
She never did have another partner lined up but he did.

Sounds exactly the same! The accusations he gave to me have been constant over the last couple of years. It was one of the reasons I left him 2 years ago. We never properly got back together but I never ever did anything. Still haven't.

How you can honestly say you have found someone else so soon baffles me!

He's just making everything worse for himself.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 06/11/2023 22:30

I think they line up the next one when they sense the relationship is rocky.

Probably why they find it so hard to trust other people because they know their own logic. They accuse their partners of the things they are guilty of themselves.

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 22:38

Twiglets1 · 06/11/2023 22:30

I think they line up the next one when they sense the relationship is rocky.

Probably why they find it so hard to trust other people because they know their own logic. They accuse their partners of the things they are guilty of themselves.

Oh absolutely! It's so clear to see it all now!

If it is true then I don't feel heartbroken at all. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders if anything!

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 06/11/2023 22:44

My lovely narcissistic ex husband who only 48 hours ago wanted me to try again with our marriage and swore to me he had no one else has just emailed me to say he has found someone else

It helps to understand that for narcissists, replacing a partner is like replacing a microwave.

It's an appliance, that's all. If it's not working for you any more, just go get a new one. There's little to no emotional investment in your decision.

Doesn't need to be fancy (though of course you could splash around a bunch of cash in order to get one with loads of bells and whistles) because in the short term, the microwave is only needed for a small range of functions. There's not a great deal of difference between a cheap one and a top-line model until the cheap one putters out after a few months while the top-of-the-line one may go forever if you treat it well.

If you're in the habit of treating your microwaves badly, you will probably need to replace them quite often, so you may never get to understand the difference between a cheap one and a top-of-the-line one.

Obviously, in reality, people are nothing like microwaves, but that's the way the narcissist sees them.

Catsafterme · 06/11/2023 22:51

Standard mind games, like you must care so much he's doing you a favour by letting you know.

Hopefully he will leave you alone now his attention is elsewhere. My marriage ended in a different way but be careful of the children because they can weaponize them, like mine is.

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:03

Catsafterme · 06/11/2023 22:51

Standard mind games, like you must care so much he's doing you a favour by letting you know.

Hopefully he will leave you alone now his attention is elsewhere. My marriage ended in a different way but be careful of the children because they can weaponize them, like mine is.

Exh has done it tonight to ds by demanding a FaceTime. He had no intention of wanting to speak to him. Has hasn't seen or spoken to him for 9 days. No idea what we got up too in half term or how his first day back at school went. It was all to just get at me.

I'm also nervous to let him have ds because I think he will ask ds questions about my life - this mystery man that he thinks I've got. Ds is 5. I really need to protect him but I don't know what the right way is. Exh has no real interest in him but to get at me

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:07

CheekyHobson · 06/11/2023 22:44

My lovely narcissistic ex husband who only 48 hours ago wanted me to try again with our marriage and swore to me he had no one else has just emailed me to say he has found someone else

It helps to understand that for narcissists, replacing a partner is like replacing a microwave.

It's an appliance, that's all. If it's not working for you any more, just go get a new one. There's little to no emotional investment in your decision.

Doesn't need to be fancy (though of course you could splash around a bunch of cash in order to get one with loads of bells and whistles) because in the short term, the microwave is only needed for a small range of functions. There's not a great deal of difference between a cheap one and a top-line model until the cheap one putters out after a few months while the top-of-the-line one may go forever if you treat it well.

If you're in the habit of treating your microwaves badly, you will probably need to replace them quite often, so you may never get to understand the difference between a cheap one and a top-of-the-line one.

Obviously, in reality, people are nothing like microwaves, but that's the way the narcissist sees them.

Well the good thing I read from this is that I surely must be a top of the range microwave 😂😂

Thank you for your post, that makes perfect sense!

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 06/11/2023 23:13

rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:03

Exh has done it tonight to ds by demanding a FaceTime. He had no intention of wanting to speak to him. Has hasn't seen or spoken to him for 9 days. No idea what we got up too in half term or how his first day back at school went. It was all to just get at me.

I'm also nervous to let him have ds because I think he will ask ds questions about my life - this mystery man that he thinks I've got. Ds is 5. I really need to protect him but I don't know what the right way is. Exh has no real interest in him but to get at me

Show quote history

Yeah, yours is possibly using it as an avenue to keep tabs on you. You'll have to be careful of what he says to your DS not sure how you can prevent it but monitor. Keep everything documented and be careful of what you say or message he may be doing the same.

What you want to be wary of is not bringing him back at all, unless you already have a court order. My separation with my wife a few weeks in, shit hit the fan. I stood up for myself and said no to the manipulation as she was attacking me but also using me and weaponizing the children. Her answer to that was to take everything we own, including the children. Not just from me either, everyone but I am enemy number one now and not seen or spoken to them in nearly seven months.

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