Another awful weekend with DH..now want to look elsewhere

[Anxiousauntee]

Our marriage, despite my numerous efforts to try and find ways to deal with his unreasonable obnoxious behaviour, feels like it is truly over. Due to cost of living issues, I cannot afford to move out but I’m effectively a single woman now and will be taking steps to become this officially with a divorce.

Throughout our marriage he has continually gaslighted and emotionally abused me. I have now finally started to feel more human and like a new woman. Reading other threads and posting on here has helped me become this. All despite his best efforts to freeze me out sexually or to make me feel undesirable and un feminine.

Does it now sound bad that I’d like to set up a dating profile and start to consider new relationships? There is no way back now for us as a couple, but on weekends like this I crave intimacy and touch or even just raw sex as I’ve been without it so long. Is this wrong?

Don't start dating. I mean this kindly. You need to do this in stages - divorce first, then learn to enjoy single life, recover from the abuse, do the Freedom Programme, then when you really have become your new self - dive in. You'll have a much better time.

Hmm, how's that going to pan out ..

"Oh, we only house share"
"Oh we're married in name only"
"I can't afford to live myself but happy to have someone subsidize me til I find someone new"

You really need to think this one through before you involve someone else.

Have you informed him that the relationship is over??

It would be unreasonable to seek out other men if you haven’t actually officially ended the relationship

I assume he knows all this and knows he is now single too. And these days numerous couples have no choice but to stay living together in the same house for a period of time. I don’t see anything wrong with getting out there and having some fun if that’s part of your healing process. Be kind to yourself op.

I would say you need a spell on your own. Otherwise you are very likely to end up with a man like your abusive ex. Every therapist will say you so. Because it's true

He knows that I no longer want to be together and I’m seeking separation. He doesn’t want to but I can no longer deal with the mind games.

@Foxontherun you’ve made an assumption that he is subsidising me?

I don’t want anything serious, perhaps saying sexual makes me sound immoral. I mean I’ve had years to process the hurt from feeling abused and lonely and I am just craving some men attention, perhaps just flirtation? I’m aware I could risk being exposed to another abuser but I’m prepared to take a chance as DH cold stance towards me is too hurtful.

@Tiredbehyondbelief and@pointythings there is a huge risk and I will bring it to my next therapist session but what if I’m tired of this lonely, iced out feeling? It’s hard watching other couples laughing and joking together when I have nothing like that.

I do totally understand that, but good things do come to those who wait. This man has drained you of everything that gives your life colour and meaning. You deserve to be your best self when you go back into a relationship.

That said, if it's raw sex you crave - and I would understand that too - then you can do that, as long as you are 100% honest with yourself and with any partner you choose. Only you can decide whether that will work for you.

OP you said in your OP that you couldn’t afford to move out due to cost of living, so it is the obvious assumption that he is subsidising your life, otherwise you would be able to leave and live independently?

I understand why you feel the way you do but honestly don’t date yet. Get properly separated first and THEN date, because what you’re missing you will not find from just sex only (and you may end up feeling even worse after having random sex), you say yourself you watch other couples laughing and joking and you want that for yourself- you’re not going to get that from sex only, and now is not the time to look for a new partner who can provide that.

Get divorced, get properly separated and living independently, make peace with being single and THEN open yourself up to new relationships etc if that is still what you want. Don’t run from one to another, and respectfully you are going to really struggle to find a good man who wants to start a relationship while you are still married and living with your husband, you’re more likely to find someone who is happy to use you for sex (which could make you feel even worse), or you open yourself up to another abuser who see’s your vulnerability and chooses to exploit it.

Hi OP I’m in a similar situation, have decided not to date for now but understand the craving! I’m throwing myself into work, friends etc and am feeling happier and happier. It’s even relatively fine being around DH now because we’re not in a relationship and I’m not looking to him for validation. He isn’t abusive but our relationship had become toxic and led to me having v low self esteem. Recovering from this is liberating already! But I do understand the craving for closeness.

@Mrsttcno1 the problem is now many many separated couples have to live together due to the cost of living crisis, mortgages etc. In expensive areas it just isn’t possible to have two living spaces big enough for kids for lots of people. So I think this (people dating while living with exes) will become more common sadly. I’m trying not to be in this position but may have to be unfortunately 😞

Exactly this @Gretagoat

I hear you, in a similar situation myself except I haven't told my husband yet that I want to separate. After years without any form of intimacy I am also desperate for some physical contact with a man, and really would love to start dating again. But as others have said it's better to wait until you have formally separated, find your feet again as a single person and only then start dating. I know this would be the right thing to do and I will wait until I at least have a place of my own. Whether I can wait much longer than that before joining the dating scene remains to be seen, not getting any younger here!!

Assuming you have told him it's over, even if still married...

Don't wait. Go find yourself someone you want to have sex with, some unserious fun. It can lift your mood and boost your self esteem. It will also get you into a headspace of being truly single and out of the relationship.

You don't need to meditate on your life choices until the decree absolut comes through!

I do understand that sometimes staying living together is unavoidable, however there is a big difference I think between someone who has been “separated” awhile and is legally divorced but is still having to live within the same house, and what OP describes which seems to be just thinking about starting divorce proceedings wanting to start a dating profile and move on?

Also worth considering what is affordable vs whats just not ideal. If DH were to separate I couldn’t afford to move out into another house the same as we have on only my salary, however I could afford to find a small flat and live there on my own. It would probably be a stretch budget wise and obviously wouldn’t be ideal but if I wanted to be single and live as a single woman, for me a large part of that is standing on your own for a bit and thinking about what it is you actually want. Rushing from one situation to another, while still living in a house with someone you dislike and who abuses you emotionally leaves you very vulnerable to walking straight in to another abusive relationship. This is because you will end up so desperate to move out of the current situation that any man seems better than the set up you have (and don’t they all seem amazing at the beginning).

Personally if I was single now and met a man who I did like, but who was still married and lived with his wife, I wouldn’t get involved with that no matter what they said. There’s been a few posts recently on here with similar situations and the general consensus being that people wouldn’t want to get involved in a situation like that.

You’d be better off focusing your energy on moving out, and remember to look at what you may be entitled to once single, it may well be more doable than you think. Yes you may not be able to buy/rent another property like the one you have, but that’s always going to be the case when it’s a two person household to a single household, but even something much smaller would at least be yours.

@Vriddle I knew as I posted this thread it may lead to some judgement but I have literally been in a deadend relationship for years. I want to have some fun - online dating I’ve heard has its pitfalls, dangers from abusive men but anything might be better than what I’m going through now!

@Mrsttcno1 i think the problem comes with DC. Mine are teens of different sexes so we need a three bed which around here is £££. If I didn’t have kids I’d be totally happy to live in a studio and would completely agree with you! I am even considering a 2 bed and sleeping in the lounge so I do agree with the principle of what you’re saying. But for some people even this wouldn’t be an option.

@Mrsttcno1 I know I will get flamed for this, I have DC so it’s not as easy to move out as I need something affordable.

Deep down I know you are right, I think I’m feeling upset today about his continual unreasonable attitude towards me. I just feel that I don’t deserve this, I always tried with DH and should have left before agreeing to have DC with him.

@Gretagoat Moving to another area would mean my DC family and community networks would immediately go. There are areas I could afford on my own but I would be worried about the mental health affects on DC, already dealing with their parents splitting.

You can date if you want. I wouldn't, as far as I heard OLD is a hit and miss. If you are felling vulnerable wait till things settle and you can get a more assertive approach. Other than that OLD may do you more harm than good.

Do you work OP? Not asking out of judgement, more thinking practically, depending on your working situation you may well be able to get assistance to live elsewhere from council etc. My friend has recently left her partner for similar reasons and because she works she actually managed to get a council property quite quickly because they do actively want people in who can pay the rent and she has young children. She couldn’t afford to rent privately because that was looking at £850-900 for the kind of property she would need, but she’s now in a 2 bed council house paying £550 which she can afford. Plus because they were living “separately” although in the same house for the 3 months it took for her to get a property, during that time she was claiming the child benefit as well as UC top up for her income (although for this she did have to prove they were actually living separately so you would have to do this). It’s definitely an option worth looking into!

I totally understand feeling the way you do and it must be awful, but a fling with a new man won’t fix that. The only thing that will is getting away from him x

You are just going to be another "essentially separated" married liar on the dating apps - but you could be different.

You could tell your DH you are on the dating apps, obtain his blessing and then you could have any new incoming man confirm with your outgoing DH that your marriage is well and truly over. If everyone is on the same page, then why not? Your DH could get back out there, too.

I get your frustration OP, but online dating when you are still living with your husband and have kids? It's just going to cause trouble and stress and if you read the threads on here, the chances of finding someone even half way decent, even for a FWB arrangement, is really very low (I've also done OLD and can tell you it's a minefield). You sound like this is a huge emotional reaction to him, but that's what you are doing- provoking him, trying to show him that others like you and seeking intimacy whereas what you need to be doing, which is far less fun, is going through your financials and seeking ways out of living with him. He might turn genuinely nasty if he thinks you are dating and a way out is needed urgently.

You can't just live together and both date, would you like his new girlfriend on the sofa with your kids? If not, I wouldn't bother.

Do you have friends? Could you get out and start enjoying life without the dating while you sort the separation?
Do you work? If not then maybe you could look for work and get time and space for yourself that way?

A flat share would be good whilst you sort out the divorce. Even if you’re poorer. Bringing other sexual relationships into your shared partner’s home could be a recipe for disaster.