Another awful weekend with DH..now want to look elsewhere

[Anxiousauntee]

Our marriage, despite my numerous efforts to try and find ways to deal with his unreasonable obnoxious behaviour, feels like it is truly over. Due to cost of living issues, I cannot afford to move out but I’m effectively a single woman now and will be taking steps to become this officially with a divorce.

Throughout our marriage he has continually gaslighted and emotionally abused me. I have now finally started to feel more human and like a new woman. Reading other threads and posting on here has helped me become this. All despite his best efforts to freeze me out sexually or to make me feel undesirable and un feminine.

Does it now sound bad that I’d like to set up a dating profile and start to consider new relationships? There is no way back now for us as a couple, but on weekends like this I crave intimacy and touch or even just raw sex as I’ve been without it so long. Is this wrong?

Once you are living separately you can “see” who you want.

If he's unreasonable and cold and horrid, he won't make a great co-sharer for the home, and he won't be the best co-parent either- expect more trouble and mind-fucks, that's what you've got so far, no-one just switches off and doesn't care their partner is dating around, even if they are horrible and the cause of it. He will stop caring for the kids so you can't go out, or tell them inappropriate things, stuff like that.

Make your plans to get out, then dating is absolutely the thing you can do,

@Mrsttcno1 @Blinkityblonk I’m calming down and realising I do not want any more man drama right now!!! That’s good to know about council housing as I’m not proud (or a snob) and I do work. The dating scenarios suggested on this thread have also shown me I do need to not pursue that scene just yet! Perhaps I just need to continue my healing.

OLD is time consuming and messes with your head big time. If your feeing in any way vulnerable I'd give it a miss. As a women I sack off anyone that is married or still living with someone else - men might be different of course.

I would leave it a while before actively looking for someone else. It is human nature to immediately try and 'fill a gap' in your life quickly but I've found this can cause you to overlook red flags and get into other situations that aren't any better than what you had, just different.

I have recently had a very casual thing end and the instinct is to get online and find someone to to replace what I had but know I would not make the right decisions around it and possibly end up feeling worse.

Definitely don’t date unless you want pure no strings attached sex. But from the background you’ve shared, I would expect you will likely feel used and hurt from just sex without any emotional
attachment

The reality of casual sex often doesn't live up to the fantasy op. It can end up leaving you feeling empty rather than fulfilled. Put all your energy into the separation and then see where your head is at when you are properly split.

My biggest fear would be him getting worse and this would definitely happen if I started dating and he knew.

From what you've said regarding his abuse, it doesn't sound like you are ready for dating just yet.

Take some time to heal from this awful man, perhaps have some therapy sessions and learn to love yourself again before getting back out there.

Thank you for making me see sense! I am frustrated, sexually and emotionally. I hate the way he has left me feeling. I have been lonely in myself for so long and have always found ways to make up for him being terrible. Human male touch from an intimate perspective is what I’m missing so badly. AIBU?

You are not at all unreasonable, but you are for a whole world of pain if you started really setting up profiles and going on dates whilst living with your horrible controlling husband, he will ramp up any bad behaviour and you simply won't get anything. It's good you know what you want- a kind person and some human touch down the line, but reacting emotionally won't get you that now anyway.

Deep breaths, you know what you need to do, now sort it out practically and then in a few months, you could be out of this and onto the new life.

Tell him he needs to move out. Blank him, ignore him

Sorry you've had such a shit time op and really hope you find happiness. I wouldn't recommend dating at this stage though. Men seem to be able to sniff out vulnerability. I'm nearly 2 years from separating from my non-abusive ex and OLD has still massively messed with my head and my emotions.

If I were in your situation I would consider a FWB arrangement with someone I already knew and trusted but wouldn't look for that through OLD at this stage.

I know how you feel, I've felt very similar. Do it if you really must but go into it with your eyes wide open and your boundaries firm as hell.

Seriously, go have some fun.

The answers have been
-You need to be single for a while first

-Casual sex can leave you feeling empty

-He might become worse while you are still trapped with him

I only see that last one as being a real issue. (You don't need to practise being single - single people have a shag if they want to and they find a willing person to have sex with; casual sex can be fabulous and make you feel great.)

The last one is about living your life in fear of him. Please do whatever you need to in order to stay safe and well. Fear may be totally justified. But that's another thread perhaps, about how to stay safe and still live your own, independent life.

No judgement here - you have as much casual sex as you like - vanishingly few men would even ask themselves this question. Date if you want to. There are no hard and fast rules about how best to move on. It's your life - you go enjoy it.

I would tread very carefully, a lot of sexual predators online, many rapes and assaults go unreported, it's not the healthiest of places when it comes to STD either, all for the sake of fun. You would be a lamb to the slaughter the vulnerable position your currently in.
I would prioritise getting your own place, l would work two jobs temporarily if need be. You've got years ahead of you for dating, but l would get my own house in order first and work on self. Become more independent and self sufficient, decent men are attracted to those qualities.

I started OLD dating before my exh moved out.
The relationship has been over for years, amicable split, I was craving attention and intimacy etc etc.

Whilst I was doing nothing wrong, I wish I’d waited for a bit. I ended up getting catfished and then got myself into a situationship which, when it ended, was so much worse than the end of my marriage.

I completely understand where you are now but you’re probably not ready. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but there’s no rush.

Get used to being on your own, build yourself up and then look for another relationship.

I’m in a very loving relationship now, a million miles away from my marriage. I just wish I’d had some time for myself first. It’s been a rocky road to get here.

At this stage you probably shouldn't be dating as it's all very messy at the moment;a friend with benefits situation would be better suited to you right now.

You need to make it extremely clear to your DH that your marriage is over and that you want a divorce;you need to separate our your lives even though you live together still.

@Anxiousauntee

I get it. And have been where you are.
You are not unreasonable - you are human.
And life isn’t black and white.

Your circumstances are holding you back, but there is no reason why you can’t have some ‘you’ time while life sorts out itself.

Your relationship is over - in everything but formality.

I agree you don’t need drama of another relationship. BUT in this day and age - you can find whatever you need in the form you need. When I was in your place - I found a great FWB. No complications, but it gave me that little bit of escape and human connection.

Try Feeld? Or something like that. Plenty of people out there who are OK with FWB setup

I’ve calmed down this morning, I will focus even more on myself. I do it a lot though. It’s going to be a long road breaking up and in the meantime I would like some sparks that make me feel good iywim?

I don’t have any men friends where I could do a FWB? @josuk is Feeld where I’d find men like this???

if you want to, go for it, you are an adult, you can make adult choices.

I agree, I had a friends with benefits who while I still lived with my exh
we lived together for 6 months
it was something fun and he was also in another town.
It took 3 years to finalise my divorce.
take a break from a serious relationship yes, but no harm in having your own fun

@Anxiousauntee

Generally - men for sex without attachments isn’t a difficult thing to find.

For me personally - a good FWB is someone who isn’t a random guy. Helps of they have a nice personality and are not boring. And aren’t selfish - as in - care about more than their own pleasure.
So - in some ways - it’s not very different from ‘dating’ - you sort of need to put in a bit of effort to pick the right guy. Just with different criteria.

Feeld is an app where people are a lot more open about what they are looking for. FWB comes up a lot.
If you are more adventurous - and are not too rural - you can try Killing Kittens.
Another type of place you can try - and this would be controversial for MN - is ‘married dating’ websites. There are plenty of men in sexless marriages, or other arrangements - certainly not looking for relationships. So they could work for your situation as well.

For many reasons, looking for a new relationship now is a bad idea. You can find some casual interaction without too much difficulty by looking online, however be very aware that if your DH is difficult then finding out you've been sleeping with another man is likely to kick him into overdrive and make the divorce process more difficult than it would have been.

Do what you need to do, but direct your energy very wisely, and keep your cards very close to your chest.

OP my advice having been in a similar situation is to work on yourself and your life. Being confident and comfortable in your own company or just with friends means your boundaries will be better. There is no point compromising these whilst you are feeling low and needy. It will just make things worse, OLD is a shitshow of men, I had a FWB for a while and even that compromised me.

This was years ago, I then went completely the other direction as a lone parent and just focused on work, my kid, family, friends and myself.

I should have done that sooner.

I am now in a very different part of my life having found a great partner but to find one of those you need to be in a good space, one where you'd rather be on your own than compromise your boundaries for a shit relationship.

Good luck, but if you are only looking for attention/flirtation, online dating might not work out for you.