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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't talk to me and I can't understand

50 replies

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 08:39

Boyfriend and I bought a dog a few months ago (well I paid) we don't live together yet but that's the next step! I'm looking to move into a bigger place when I find something which is proving tricky there's a huge housing shortage.

He was laid of a few weeks ago and he's done nothing really to find more work. He seems to have gone into abit of a miserable place and he is coming across really selfish. I have felt invisible recently and he thinks our time together is fine. But it isn't. He's not trying. He is being very boring. Won't even arrange a walk. He thinks eating dinner and going to sleep is fine. But everytime I leave his house I think what a waste of my evening or weekend. I sat down and spoke to him calmly about how I felt we needed to try amd get moving again abit. He got defensive. Another week past. Some story. So I spoke to him again. He got defensive and dismissed my feelings.

On Tuesday he messaged me. He said he wanted to do something nice for me. He was getting his universal credit on Thursday and wanted £50 that he'd return. He said he wanted to go shopping. Get something nice for dinner and pick up a game for the xbox ( we do enjoy games night occasionally) and he said about us sleeping together as we haven't in a while. I finished work and called him. He had picked up a £6 game from cex and said he hadn't been to get dinner yet because he didn't want to look dodgy walking into shops with this game. An hour later he said shall I get us an Indian with this money. I said yes. Got ready and started walking the mile to his house when my kids went to their dad's. I phoned him and he sounded really bored of me. I felt really uncomfortable and sad he didn't offer to walk to meet me. He made a comment on we never have anything to say because the phones non stop. I paused in the street and said do you know what, forget it I'm going home, I don't feel welcome. He started screaming down the phone I was a stupid little girl and slammed the phone down. He's sent me a few messages fully blaming me. When I call him he shouts over me. He's often said in the past everything gets taken away from him and he hates me having control over his feelings because I can take it away.

He's now ignoring me and read my last message and ignored me..

We have a few things we share like the dog. Netflix. I have clothing at his. He has a tele on my catalogue. He has a therapist under my email and she communicates with me..we have made plans to rent a house.

I'm at a loss to what is wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.. he's silenced me so I can't communicate and it's driving me bonkers. I even had the dog food at my house and the puppy needs it.

OP posts:
kalokagathos · 04/11/2023 08:44

You must leave this man immediately! Count this latest outburst from him as blessing and warning in one.

saveforthat · 04/11/2023 08:47

It's irresponsible to get a joint dog in that situation, poor puppy.

wildwestpioneer · 04/11/2023 08:51

You've dodged a billet there. I'm afraid you'll not get your money back for the dog or tv. I suspect you pay for Netflix so change the password.

Leave him to it and find someone who will love and appreciate him

Oh and by the way he has no intention of cooking etc for you, he just wanted you to send over the £50 for whatever it was he wanted to buy

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 08:55

How do I know if I have been too demanding? I feel frustrated over the little things like him not walking me home and him not giving me a cuddle because he wants to. I probably do sound needy and insecure.

OP posts:
Olika · 04/11/2023 09:01

Do you actually want to be with a man like this?

Oldthyme · 04/11/2023 09:03

OP, be glad you’re out of this relationship. It sounds childish and if you think you might come across as needy, maybe you are?

Poor dog. Another mismanaged pup for the Dog’sTrust rehoming service.

Let the dust settle and get the practicalities sorted out regarding email address and tv scenario then move on. He’s not worth the aggro.

EvenBetta · 04/11/2023 09:06

Forget the analysing, just dump him, change your netflix password, enjoy your life. There are billions of blokes, don't date trash, don't link yourself to a man until you know for sure he is of high quality.

Shodan · 04/11/2023 09:06

It is not needy and insecure to want some basic love and consideration from your partner. Neither is it needy and insecure to ask for those things if you're not getting them.

This isn't a good relationship and you shouldn't waste any more of your time trying to turn it into one- it's an impossible task.

Let the whole thing go.

TwilightSkies · 04/11/2023 09:10

Jesus. Your standards are so low. Why do you accept this behaviour from him? He sounds completely vile.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2023 09:10

You would actually bring this shitbag of a man into your home, to live with your kids? You can't be fucking serious, and who gives a toss about a Netflix account?

Get. Rid. Of. Him. Block and never look back.

ElleCapitaine · 04/11/2023 09:11

He doesn’t want you. He just wants what you can do for him. He needs to get in the bin. He’s not good enough.

SoRainbowRhythms · 04/11/2023 09:12

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2023 09:10

You would actually bring this shitbag of a man into your home, to live with your kids? You can't be fucking serious, and who gives a toss about a Netflix account?

Get. Rid. Of. Him. Block and never look back.

This. He can get in the sea.

tribpot · 04/11/2023 09:12

Did you get your 50 quid back?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:14

Go get the dog and write off the money he owes you. Let him come to you if he's sorted his life out.

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 04/11/2023 09:14

Email the therapist to say you’ve broken up and no longer wish her to contact him through your email address. Send her his email and phone number so she can call him and sort it out with him. Frankly it’s pretty weird that aa therapist would communicate with an adult patient via another person’s email address anyway.
Do message him to get your stuff back. Offer a couples of options for times you can come to pack it up or for him to pack it and you’ll just pick it up. (Plan to have time pack it up even if he says he’ll do it. He sounds pretty flakey). Bring a friend or family member with you when you do this if you can. Whoever pays for Netflix keeps it. Change the pass it’s you. If you paid for the dog and it’s registered to you and luving with you then it’s your dog.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:15

tribpot · 04/11/2023 09:12

Did you get your 50 quid back?

She's bought him a TV on her catalogue account . She won't be seeing that £50 again. He'll spend it and refuse to give it back because 'she ruined the night'

AnImaginaryCat · 04/11/2023 09:18

He sounds like he's not fit for a relationship as he needs to spend time improving his mental health.

What on earth does this mean "He had picked up a £6 game from cex and said he hadn't been to get dinner yet because he didn't want to look dodgy walking into shops with this game"? What is dodgy about having the game in shops? Is it 6ft by 10ft or is he just paranoid about irrelevant things?

Also he has a therapist under your email and she communicates with you. Why? Communicates about what? He might be better off doing that himself- it'll be a positive move in his developing some emotional maturity.

Epidote · 04/11/2023 09:19

OP I think you got more that enough in your life. Work, kids, a dog. You don't really need this extra shit he brings, do you?

NotSuchASmugMarried · 04/11/2023 09:21

Two things strike me as very odd here. The not going into a shop to buy dinner because he just brought a game is REALLY odd. The therapist communicating with him via your email is REALLY odd.

Also, he sounds horrible anyway. What sort of man leaves a woman to walk home alone?

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 09:23

Pfft he's a lazy, boring, angry bastard. Thinks you're his fairy godmummy providing him with all he wants while you ask nothing in return. Not even civility.

Do a disappearing spell.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/11/2023 09:25

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 08:55

How do I know if I have been too demanding? I feel frustrated over the little things like him not walking me home and him not giving me a cuddle because he wants to. I probably do sound needy and insecure.

You haven't been too demanding he's making you feel like you should be grateful for shitty treatment from an unemployed moody aggressive man just so you're able to say you have a boyfriend. He's angry that you stood up for yourself. Please get rid of him and keep him away from your home and children- I know you must have had some good times too but he's now shown you who he really is

EvenBetta · 04/11/2023 09:25

Christ, I didn’t read you have kids. Focus on parenting rather than chasing shit men to date.

catrescuelady · 04/11/2023 09:26

Be prepared for the love bombing when he needs another £50

pictoosh · 04/11/2023 09:27

"He's often said in the past everything gets taken away from him and he hates me having control over his feelings because I can take it away."

My happiness = your responsibility.

How manipulative.

Greenberg2 · 04/11/2023 09:30

Shodan · 04/11/2023 09:06

It is not needy and insecure to want some basic love and consideration from your partner. Neither is it needy and insecure to ask for those things if you're not getting them.

This isn't a good relationship and you shouldn't waste any more of your time trying to turn it into one- it's an impossible task.

Let the whole thing go.

This.

He's playing on your feelings and making you concerned about not being needy and insecure so you don't expect anything from him and he can treat you like shit. Don't fall for his manipulation. You can do much, much better.

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