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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't talk to me and I can't understand

50 replies

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 08:39

Boyfriend and I bought a dog a few months ago (well I paid) we don't live together yet but that's the next step! I'm looking to move into a bigger place when I find something which is proving tricky there's a huge housing shortage.

He was laid of a few weeks ago and he's done nothing really to find more work. He seems to have gone into abit of a miserable place and he is coming across really selfish. I have felt invisible recently and he thinks our time together is fine. But it isn't. He's not trying. He is being very boring. Won't even arrange a walk. He thinks eating dinner and going to sleep is fine. But everytime I leave his house I think what a waste of my evening or weekend. I sat down and spoke to him calmly about how I felt we needed to try amd get moving again abit. He got defensive. Another week past. Some story. So I spoke to him again. He got defensive and dismissed my feelings.

On Tuesday he messaged me. He said he wanted to do something nice for me. He was getting his universal credit on Thursday and wanted £50 that he'd return. He said he wanted to go shopping. Get something nice for dinner and pick up a game for the xbox ( we do enjoy games night occasionally) and he said about us sleeping together as we haven't in a while. I finished work and called him. He had picked up a £6 game from cex and said he hadn't been to get dinner yet because he didn't want to look dodgy walking into shops with this game. An hour later he said shall I get us an Indian with this money. I said yes. Got ready and started walking the mile to his house when my kids went to their dad's. I phoned him and he sounded really bored of me. I felt really uncomfortable and sad he didn't offer to walk to meet me. He made a comment on we never have anything to say because the phones non stop. I paused in the street and said do you know what, forget it I'm going home, I don't feel welcome. He started screaming down the phone I was a stupid little girl and slammed the phone down. He's sent me a few messages fully blaming me. When I call him he shouts over me. He's often said in the past everything gets taken away from him and he hates me having control over his feelings because I can take it away.

He's now ignoring me and read my last message and ignored me..

We have a few things we share like the dog. Netflix. I have clothing at his. He has a tele on my catalogue. He has a therapist under my email and she communicates with me..we have made plans to rent a house.

I'm at a loss to what is wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.. he's silenced me so I can't communicate and it's driving me bonkers. I even had the dog food at my house and the puppy needs it.

OP posts:
95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:42

No didn't get the £50 he said his account goy sanctioned!

The therapist is through a charity who support men in his line of work struggling. She agreed I can be down as someone to communicate with too as he won't answer calls often won't make them due to his issues.

OP posts:
95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:42

The Netflix is Mine yes.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 09:47

This was barely a relationship. What were you thinking re getting a dog and moving in?! There’s nothing there.

Just forget about it and move on - other than examine why you tried to force this.

Aprilx · 04/11/2023 09:48

It has run its course, you need to part way.

You do not share a dog, you cannot share a dog with somebody that you don’t live with. And you should not have got a dog when you were planning to move and finding the housing market tricky. Did you really think having a dog was going to help with this. No, you are just another irresponsible dog owner.

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:52

The dogs looked after though it's just me that's out of pocket. She will remain with him.

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 04/11/2023 09:55

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:52

The dogs looked after though it's just me that's out of pocket. She will remain with him.

Remain with a lazy feckless twat? Poor dog!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/11/2023 09:56

Let this fish swim back in the sea....

It sounds like you've been together more than just a few months and he is now showing the real him. You are not happy with who he is. You need to accept that this is him, and find yourself someone else.

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:56

I guess the dog isn't going to experience that side though.. he's probably nicer to dogs.

OP posts:
95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:56

We've been together 3.5 years.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2023 09:56

Love your own self for a change.

Be on your own now; its better than to keep on throwing yourself and your money at such a person.

At least you did not actually move in with him but that was the next step in your mind. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationship and life experience, have been further damaged by this man. Work on raising your relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is through counselling for your own self.

GrazingSheep · 04/11/2023 09:56

Your children have had a lucky escape.
Imagine being them and having their mother’s utterly useless boyfriend moving in with them.

PierceMorgansChin · 04/11/2023 10:01

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2023 09:10

You would actually bring this shitbag of a man into your home, to live with your kids? You can't be fucking serious, and who gives a toss about a Netflix account?

Get. Rid. Of. Him. Block and never look back.

No job, no car, and a 'gamer'. Universal credit is meant to help him survive before he finds work, not to be spent on games and takeaways. But sure, let's move the scumbag in with my 2 children and let's get a puppy for good measure

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2023 10:07

Whoa.

Just end it. He sounds unfair and immature, workshy and feckless.

I presume he's keeping the unfortunate dog, along with your £50 and all the other things you've bought him.

How many children has he got?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/11/2023 10:14

He's often said in the past everything gets taken away from him and he hates me having control over his feelings because I can take it away.

This man is nowhere near ready to be in a relationship. And it's not your job to fix him, nor to act as his guardian by speaking to his therapist when he refuses to engage.

Women are not rehab centres for broken men. Concentrate on your children, the ones you have legal and emotional responsibility for, not this fixer-upper project of a man.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/11/2023 10:17

You’ve been an absolute mug - I’m sorry OP. You’re being totally used by this rather pathetic and definitely toxic man.

You must get rid of him. You paid for the puppy and so the puppy is yours. You won’t get any money back for other things so I don’t know what to suggest re the tv, other than get some family or friends together to get it back from him.

End it now.

InSpainTheRain · 04/11/2023 10:27

Stop questioning yourself - you haven't been too demanding.He sounds lazy and like he cannot be bothered with youm The fact he isn't looking for a job, screamed at you, can't be bothered to meet you or cook dinner (with your money) means you need to dump and run. I'd cut my losses and run.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 10:41

So first of all you describe a really horrible man and then you say that you're going to live with him. Why would you do that? You have really messed up over the dog. I assume you pay for Amazon. I assume you're paying for this catalogue for his television. He wanted the £50 and he had no intention of spending it on you. He just wanted money off you.

Who paid for the dog?

bratchlocks · 04/11/2023 10:44

You know where he lives presumably? Go and get your dog! I wouldn't feel safe leaving an animal in his company. He's clearly got some mental health issues but that's not your problem to solve. You're not responsible for this man but you are responsible for the dog and your children's safety.

Email the therapist and say you're no longer together and they need to communicate directly with their patient. I'm surprised that a therapist has put this burden on you as well. Really not fair of them.

Forget that £50, because I don't you'll be getting it back now.

Count your lucky stars that you're not longer being controlled by this man!

Justleaveitblankthen · 04/11/2023 14:48

Poor dog is all I can say 😐

Watchkeys · 04/11/2023 15:02

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 08:55

How do I know if I have been too demanding? I feel frustrated over the little things like him not walking me home and him not giving me a cuddle because he wants to. I probably do sound needy and insecure.

You know, because there's no such thing as 'too demanding'. Some people have a very high list of needs and demands in a relationship, and, if they find a compatible partner, they will be happy. If they meet a non-compatible partner, they will be told that their list of needs and demands is too high.

There is no definitive answer on what the 'right' level of need or demand is to have, in a relationship. But if someone makes you feel you are too much (of anything), then what they're saying is 'too much for my preference' They don't have the knowledge to tell you if you are right or wrong to have your feelings, and they don't get to make the decisions about how you respond to those feelings.

You're the boss. Feel what you feel, respond how you want to respond, and find people who think you're great when you live that way.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 04/11/2023 19:52

Poor dog. How is he going to be able to afford food, bedding, flea treatments and vet care when he's unemployed? Another puppy bought by 2 careless people.

Boopeedoop · 04/11/2023 20:40

Tell us he smokes weed and we have full house in cocklodger bingo.

You are worth so much more than this man.

Grendell · 04/11/2023 20:59

Sounds like you are shouldering too much of the relationship.
Did this start when he got laid off?
He needs to sort himself out, make an effort, get a job.
You need to let him go.

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 04/11/2023 21:07

Put your 2 kids above this fecking eekit won't you?

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2023 21:09

Boopeedoop · 04/11/2023 20:40

Tell us he smokes weed and we have full house in cocklodger bingo.

You are worth so much more than this man.

Grin
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