Husband walked out a year ago- really struggling

[Jules54321]

My husband left without any warning a year ago. We’d been together for 15 years, married for 8 and had a 6 year old (now 7). I was completely blindsided- I didn’t think we were perfect and we had our ups and downs- but I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy and planning to leave as he never said a word or behaved any differently.

He moved out within a couple of weeks of telling me he didn’t love me anymore and refusing to try to talk and work on things he was unhappy with, and we’re now right in the middle of getting divorced, mediating re the finances and we’ve just put the house on the market.

I’m really struggling with still feeling very lost and sad. And wondering what on earth I’ve done to deserve my life being turned upside down. I don’t have a very stable family of origin and got that from his family. So to lose my family unit is devastating. I’ll struggle financially and won’t be able to provide anything like the home we’re moving out of for our child. I really miss her when she’s with him too.

He behaved badly during our time together- had a gambling addiction which had huge repercussions for us, frequently lied about lots of things and continued to run up and hide debt even after lots of support for the gambling. And by not communicating anything in the lead up to walking out, he didn’t give our marriage or family a fighting chance and just abandoned us instead.

So I can see that he’s not worth my time or tears but I have days where I still feel totally devastated and I suppose still in shock in a way that he ended my life as I knew it so brutally.

Am I mad to still be finding this all so hard after a year? It can still be so painful and feel so stuck.

If you’ve got this far- thank you for reading! Any kind or helpful words or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Have you had counselling op? I think it’s like a type of grief. The shock change of your circumstances, you’re mourning for the lifestyle that was and you hoped to be.

youre also still in the thick of it, going through the divorce, and adjusting.

can I ask, in the wee small hours when you think on it, do you genuinely believe there was no sign he was unhappy? He was loving, affectionate, a strong supportive partner, a good sex life, future plans? Or did you maybe see that it wasn’t working, but thought it wasn’t broken enough he’d stay?

You're still going through it. The divorce, the prospect of losing your home are today, not a year ago so of course you still feel worried and bereft.

But when you get into your own home, you'll feel more settled. You'll be able to rebuild, you'll have the stability of knowing there won't be another debt shock coming from nowhere. No-one will be lying to you. That, in itself, is reassuring. And you will cope better than you think. I found life without ex was MUCH less expensive. I shrank my life down for a while, to what I could cope with, and found my feet, before picking up the pace again.

It will get easier. Good luck x

I am so sorry op. 💐💐💐

You are not mad to be struggling at all. This is a completely normal reaction to having your world turned upside down. It’s a form of grief and psychotherapy will help. Even though I left my ex (he was a violent, abusive dick head) it took a couple of years and a ton of therapy before I started feeling like myself again. You will too. But please, be kind to yourself, you’ve had a dreadful shock and you need time to process, grieve and heal. But you will get there xxxxx

Thank you for your reply.

I am having counselling and do feel like I’m grieving.

Of course when I look back on things I can see that things weren’t perfect but we’d had a lot of stressful life events and whilst there were struggles, I never in a million years thought he’d just up and leave without even a conversation. To me that’s not how you treat each other when you’re married with a family. And yes he was loving and affectionate etc- we were having an eternity ring made for my birthday and had just been on a family holiday. And please appreciate as an ex gambling addict, his ability to lie and to maintain the stays quo was very high.

Dontjudgeme101 Thank you

MintJulia- thank you. I really hope I can start to move forward and find my feet on my own. I think I expected to be further on emotionally by now and for it not be still feel so painful.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and sharing your own experiences- you give me hope!

This is all so recent and you’re still in the midst of it so I’m not surprised you’re feel as you do. Have the ex’s family abandoned you or can you still have a relationship with them? I know if this happened with my son and wife for example- I would support both and still be mum to my daughter in law if she wanted.
you’ve been through so much with the gambling that I can’t help but feel you’ll be better off once you get through this awful part of it.
do you have good friends and colleagues?
your world has been turned on it’s head. But the upside is you get to live your life without being attached to an unreliable, disloyal gambler.
i hope you don’t have to be apart from your daughter too much and i hope you can find a nice home for you both.
im sorry you’re going through this and if you were my neighbour id have you over today for a comforting meal and plenty of talking.

Ladymarycrawley1920 Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry you had a nasty experience too but I’m so glad you’re in a better place now! And thank you for being honest about the time frame too- I’m a year in now and having therapy which is helping. But it’s good to know that it’s normal for it to take longer to start to ease. I’m hopeful that I’m another year things will feel different- we’ll be divorced, we’ll have sold the house and I’ll be settled in a new job too.

just sometimes still get flooded with feelings of fear, sadness, anger and failure and it’s exhausting. But I do have hope it’ll get better.

Candymay- thank you for your reply.

I can certainly see that I’m better off without such an unreliable and disloyal person in my life. And once I adjust it’ll be a welcome relief that I don’t rely on him anymore. It’s difficult as we’re in mediation and financial disclosure but he continues to lie and has even tried to bribe me to cover his financial mess up. I think his continuing lies have a big impact as he tends to drip feed- he’ll outright deny things initially and then over days or even weeks, he’ll reveal the truth. But always with loads of excuses as he’s never at fault.

Unfortunately his family have totally withdrawn from me which hurts a lot. We were close but they’re just kind of ignoring it all and therefore, me. I think perhaps they don’t know what to say or how to deal with it all but it’s painful that he has a loving family and support despite his behaviour whilst I’m pretty much alone and don’t have family support.

I do have good friends around me though which I’m very thankful for.

Why would his family abandon you though . You are still the mother of your exes child
It’s good, you are being civil with him considering what he has done which is awful. these things are only made easier by being civil to one another.
where are all manner of reasons why he upped and left clearly his gambling addictions had something to do with it. many people arent very well off and manage just fine so just know that you will be okay

you can complete a benefits calculator to see what you are entitled
universal credit do pay money towards the mortgage if you was to buy something and not be able to afford all the mortgage repayments, and of course they put toward rent . You may also get money for yourself and your daughter too even if you are working.

I’m sorry to hear that his family have withdrawn. They probably don’t know what to do or say. Hopefully you’ll get to resume a relationship with them in future.
you will get through this and I do think being single is preferable to being with a gambler. But it’s all so raw for you a year is a short period of time to process so big a change and you’re still in the middle of sorting practicalities. It’s great that you’ve j go out good friends too.
try to believe that this is all for the best and that you are about to embark on a happier path.

Thanks Candymay. His family seem to condone his behaviour- his mum even said to me that if I was unhappy in a job I’d leave- as if comparing walking out on me and our child to leaving a crappy job?! I honestly don’t think I’d want to resume a relationship with them. I’ll maintain a civil one for my child but I don’t trust any of them now as I’d been part of their family for 15 years and had don’t nothing wrong but they still behave as if he’s perfectly entitled to do this and I don’t matter.

What I don’t understand about myself is that I feel so heartbroken and lost, even though my rational mind tells me he’s no good and I’m better off without him! I’m hoping those feelings will fade in time.

And yes, I am clinging to the blind faith that this is for the best and will come good in the end!

Im so sorry you are going through this OP.

This happened to me, we had been on a family holiday and my husband of 16 years nipped out on an errand and didn't return. Called me 7 hours later to say he had left me.

I think it leaves you with a form of PTSD to have your life thrown upside down like that.

I've read advice that says it takes a month for each year of the relationship to recover. In my case it took probably double that. DD was 5 when he left.

There is a huge amount of resentment at the burden placed on me, financially and also the lack of freedom for years and years.

I wracked my brain and didn't sleep for years turning it all over and distilled my thoughts into a list which I noted and will share here as it took me years to come to these conclusions:

◦	I could have been kinder but so could he.
◦	There will never be a conversation where we talk about how he left and he apologises 
◦	I will not feel guilty about my daughter only having one parent I bring my whole self to raising her
◦	Silence can be its own response 
◦	He has to blame me so that he can look at his own face in the mirror

Banana1978- thank you for your message. I honestly don’t know what his family are thinking and have had to presume that they just don’t know what to say and do and so have chosen to say and do nothing. No acknowledgment of how he’s behaved and the impact of that on me and our child, no empathy or offer of support at all. Painful after 15 years. As for him, I don’t think he’s in active addiction but I think having had an addiction means he has certain traits- selfish, deceitful, manipulative etc. I naively thought they were all about his addiction though and that once that was treated he wouldn’t continue with those traits and behaviours. I was so wrong!

And yes, money wise I’m doing some research. I got myself another job after he left with more hours, a higher salary and much better prospects for training and progression etc. I had been due to start my own business- with his full blessing and support- the month after he left but obviously didn’t do that once he dropped his bombshell. Thank god I hadn’t already given up my job and made that leap or I really would have been in trouble!

OhamIreally- thank you. My heart goes out to you and I’ve actually just started crying having read your post. I can’t imagine the shock and horror of that phone call and the years it took to rebuild your life and sense of self.

I totally agree about the PTSD- my therapist has said this too. The difficult part is that I’ve already had treatment for complex-PTSD from an abusive childhood so these are old wounds being reopened.

I can really relate to the resentment and ruminating, desperately trying to make sense of things and where it all went so wrong.

And thank you for sharing your list of conclusions- some of them resonate with me too, especially the third and last one.

I hope you’re in a much better place now with a full and contented life- you deserve it!

Have you got a decent lawyer? You might be able to make a case to stay in the house but personally I'd want to sever all financial and other ties if he's a gambler.
Like all other grieving, time is the main healer.

There’s no timeline for grief and shock. And it’s really hard when your brain knows you are better off but your emotions are taking time to get to that place.

But you will get there. Take it day by day. Limit contact with his family who sound like enablers. Use the time on your own to refresh and recharge. You sound really smart and level headed. Best wishes

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

But tbh it sounds as though him leaving did you a favour and you’ll look back and be thankful that this happened.

It sounds as though you put up with his shitty behaviour for way too long, possibly because you didn’t have a stable family unit and so wanted to keep it together for your DD.

If he hadn’t of left I think you would have stayed with him and it’s better to be in no relationship than a bad one.

Focus on improving yours and DDs lives.

I know when my ex left for someone else I eventually picked myself up, decluttered my home, lost weight, had my hair done, got a new job and tried to experience lots of new things in life.
I was doing amazing and that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t left me and I didn’t hit rock bottom.

The best feeling in the world was when my ex was begging for me back and I said no.

Turmerictolly- thank you for your reply. I have had some legal advice. As for staying in the house it’s just not feasible. The mortgage is due to go up considerably when our current deal ends next year and I’d need to ask him for so much a month so I could stay that he’d then argue he wouldn’t be left with enough to rehome himself and our child to a similar standard. And as you said, he’s a gambling man. So I don’t want to have to rely on him to that extent as if his addiction became active again it could all go horribly wrong. I think the huge pain is that it took us a long time to have a home of our own thanks to his gambling and debts and now I’m losing it.

And you’re right, time is a healer so I just need to keep on keeping on.

Rainbowqueen- thank you for your reply.

My emotions are driving me nuts!! Such a battle between my head and my heart. And I think that’s made worse as he’s very manipulative and deceitful. I don’t like to use the word gaslighting as it’s become a bit of a buzz word, but that’s definitely what’s happening.

His family have always swept things under the carpet and excused his BS so yes, whilst painful, it’s probably best to distance myself from them.

I’ll keep working at it all for me and our child and I’m trying to take care of myself and look to the future. It has to get better at some point!

I'm on the other side now. I was relieved when I separated from my ex as he was abusive. I still had to grieve my hopes for the future, it was the hope that had sustained me through all the awfulness.

The divorce took forever, more abuse and covid slowed it down. At the moment you are in limbo. Selling the family home made a massive difference and the act of packing it up and getting rid of things was cathartic although painful.

You will be able to move on with your life and build better and stronger foundations. Just take it one day at a time, it gets easier.

I can share my experience.

Unfortunately I was still in the relationship as it crumbled into a horrifying years long nightmare of him behaving worse and worse and me completely losing myself trying to be what he said he wanted. Our poor children were teenagers by the time we actually split.

It’s nearly two years ago when I said we must divorce, and it’s one year since we separated- at my insistence.

I had many of the same sleepless nights as pp but here is where I am now with my thinking.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t like me. Even though he dumped me first, I consciously chose to dump him too. It isn’t a case “accept the relationship is over” but “this is not someone with whom I would now have a relationship with.”

The way I was living my life was insane and joyless, by ending that I am open to more joy and fun in my life. Just this week ex was complaining to our oldest son that I was awful and that Karma would come to me. My genuine reaction was “I can’t wait for my Karma, because it will be absolutely fantastic!”

Among my classmates there are other women divorced; widowed; never married; and sadly already deceased. I am still here; my relationship with my kids is amazing.

He is living in a hell (not physically - he has a penthouse!) of his own making. I’m not going to give a second’s thought to his feelings - they have nothing to do with me. Engaging in that would be throwing good emotional effort after bad, and I can’t be bothered.

I did have to reach the point where going bankrupt/ losing my residence visa/never having another relationship was a price I could pay to not be in a relationship with him.
Luckily, the financial side will be OK (just about)

On the blaming- the accusations are admissions.
There will never be an acknowledgment: because he would have to look at his own behaviour.

Lastly. If you phrase this as “I’ve just split from a gambling addict, where will my life go now?” The answer would be “Wherever your life goes- it’s to a better place.”

@Jules54321 I am in a better place thank you. For a long time there was an occasional jolt of disbelief that it had happened but that hasn't happened for a few years now.

A good friend of mine had a similar experience to yours and she said the worst was having a dream where everything was back to normal and then waking up to the nightmare.

You're in the thick of it now but you're already taking steps for the better, you have the better paying job, the divorce is progressing.

The worst has happened, you are facing it and you are stronger than you know.

Another tip from me is when your mind turns to dark thoughts put the radio on to distract you - Heart radio is relentlessly upbeat if a bit repetitive and helped steer my mind away from the rumination.

@Jules54321 I think everything you are feeling is normal. Your husband just upped and ran and dumped you - that's a shock that is going to take time to overcome. Mine was an addict too - alcohol in his case - and he didn't leave because I made him leave, there was police involvement. So not as sudden but a different kind of shock. I'm now coming up to 6 years out and I finally feel like myself again. In 2022 I had what I can only class as a breakdown, which I thought was due to me being unhappy in my job. I was able to take a year out (and yes, I know what a privilege that is!) and work on myself and I realised that I'd never done anything to process what happened in my marriage because I'd always been too busy shielding and supporting the DC.

Once I did that work, things fell into place and I'm now working again and mentally better than I've been in years. You have been with your husband for 15 years in all - it's going to take more than a year to process the loss of all the dreams and hopes you had, and it's going to take time to really get to grips with life after living with an addict. Keep working at it, you will get to where I am now.