Husband walked out a year ago- really struggling

[Jules54321]

My husband left without any warning a year ago. We’d been together for 15 years, married for 8 and had a 6 year old (now 7). I was completely blindsided- I didn’t think we were perfect and we had our ups and downs- but I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy and planning to leave as he never said a word or behaved any differently.

He moved out within a couple of weeks of telling me he didn’t love me anymore and refusing to try to talk and work on things he was unhappy with, and we’re now right in the middle of getting divorced, mediating re the finances and we’ve just put the house on the market.

I’m really struggling with still feeling very lost and sad. And wondering what on earth I’ve done to deserve my life being turned upside down. I don’t have a very stable family of origin and got that from his family. So to lose my family unit is devastating. I’ll struggle financially and won’t be able to provide anything like the home we’re moving out of for our child. I really miss her when she’s with him too.

He behaved badly during our time together- had a gambling addiction which had huge repercussions for us, frequently lied about lots of things and continued to run up and hide debt even after lots of support for the gambling. And by not communicating anything in the lead up to walking out, he didn’t give our marriage or family a fighting chance and just abandoned us instead.

So I can see that he’s not worth my time or tears but I have days where I still feel totally devastated and I suppose still in shock in a way that he ended my life as I knew it so brutally.

Am I mad to still be finding this all so hard after a year? It can still be so painful and feel so stuck.

If you’ve got this far- thank you for reading! Any kind or helpful words or thoughts would be much appreciated.

Itsnotchristmasyet- thank you for your reply. Apologies that I’m only just replying. Had a horrendous day as I found out that my ex is seeing someone and has been for months, before we even started the divorce proceedings and whilst I was still reeling from the shock of it all. It feels so disrespectful and humiliating.

I do think that in the future I’ll see it as he did me a favour as I don’t think I would have left. I didn’t have a stable upbringing and so desperately wanted that for my child, that I put up with far too much.

I’m getting my head around a new life and am trying to look to the future to improve life for me and my child.

@unsync Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry you had an abusive ex and I’m so glad you’re out the other side of this now! In some ways I’m dreading selling the family home and packing up a whole life but I also know it will provide some closure and allow me to move forward. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

@TheresaOfAvila Thank you for your reply and sorry it’s taken me ages to respond. Found out today that he’s been seeing someone for months and am feeling humiliated and disrespected all over again. We hadn’t even started divorce proceedings when it started and could even have been an affair.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think there’s something empowering about deciding to mentally dump someone even if they did it first. And I like your forward facing perspective of where can my life go now I’ve got rid of that shitshow?!

@OhamIreally Gosh I can really relate to your friend’s experience- I have a recurring dream that things are back to ‘normal’ and then I wake up and realise what’s happened. I also get regular heart palpitations, feelings of panic and insomnia (hence being on here at silly o’clock!) It’s horrible.

But I am getting through it- bit by bit and day by day. And I was super proud of myself with the new job. It was hard to put myself out there after my confidence was knocked so badly but I did it and it paid off.

And thank you for the radio tip too. I often have the tv on and watch reruns of my favourite shows to help comfort me. And I’ve come of social media too as that wasn’t helpful.

@pointythings Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry for the delay in mine. I found out yesterday that he’s been seeing someone for months and it just feels like another layer of disrespect and indignity. It’s been one blow after another with him and I’m wrung out.

I’m so sorry to hear of your experience and I’m so glad you’re out the other side of it now. And thank you for validating that after 15 years it’s going to take time to recover from such a shock and change to my life, and the life I thought I was going to live.

Very sorry 😞 this must be awful for you. I don’t have any advice but you’re definitely not mad. Keep going.

@Jules54321 a year is nothing unfortunately. It will take time to gather yourself up from such a shock. I think it causes a form of trauma.

Looking back, one of the most positive things I did in the early days was to make positive changes that I could then look back on with pride and that I had done for myself. If you can identify something you would like to achieve and focus on that, it will be helpful. You've been a wife and mother and much of the sadness comes from the loss of the life you thought you would have, but there is also a new freedom which you didn't have before which you can use to focus on your own desires.

It might not seem it now but it sounds like he's done you a favour. Sharing your life with an addict, whether they're active or in recovery, is difficult and can really fuck with your head.