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Original poster

This probably sounds teenage... help me make sense of friend's behaviour

36 replies

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/11/2023 22:50

Old and good friend (20 years plus). We're middle aged.

She's a lovely friend, I love her dearly and we have a lot in common. Our kids get on and we loads of friends in common. Her only real flaw is she is fucking flaky. Always has been bad about making and keeping arrangements. I know it's not personal, she does it to everyone and it used to be so bad it was a running joke in our friendship group, now somewhat better as she's a parent but still has terrible form for pulling out of things last minute, not getting around to organising things, taking ages to confirm attendance and generally replying to text communication and giving the impression sometimes of waiting for a better offer. That context is probably relevant but may not be the whole story. (Before someone asks, she doesn't have ADHD or any other kind of ND).

She got pissed off with me a few years ago because I planned to do something on her birthday weekend (even though she hadn't at the time organised anything or even mentioned doing something). Said afterwards she had been really upset. I took this on board and every birthday since have made a point of checking with her what her plans are. Went out last year with other friends and all was good.

This year I've asked her three times in the space of six weeks what she wants to do for her birthday and have had variously "no idea yet" then "will sort and let you know" and finally radio silence when I last asked. I had another offer of something to do this weekend which would have involved organising accommodation so was keeping this arrangement on the backburner waiting to hear from my friend. I made it clear to her the second time I prompted her that she was first priority but that I'd like to be able to arrange to do this if she wasn't doing anything so could she let me know so I could make plans. I've texted again tonight to ask what's happening and she hasn't replied.

I know that all plans with this friend need to be taken with a truckload of salt because of the general lack of organisation and she may just have scraped something together last minute. I also know that it's her right to celebrate her birthday with whomever she pleases and I need to take that on the chin. But I'm pretty pissed off with the general hypocrisy and lack of consideration.

Trying to get my head around whether this is a) the usual flakiness b) I've been NFI'ed because there are better people to hang out with or c) I'm at the receiving end of some long-form punishment for something that happened 4+ years ago.

Just a general vent really but keen to hear people's theories.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 03/11/2023 22:57

You text her again and tell her you need to know YOUR plans going forward, so she has.. HAS... to confirm either way by 5pm tomorrow... because otherwise you will be booking your other option at that time... and do it.
She is being rude if nothing else, has decided her time is more important than your time.
This is another version of the 'pick me' dance..

SkaneTos · 03/11/2023 23:05

Your friend sound like a somewhat tricky person. I understand your need to vent.

I like to celebrate birthdays. But especially when you are an adult it doesn't have to be on the very exact birthday. It can be the weekend before, or after, or the next month, etc.

I think if she doesn't answer you, you can go ahead and do the other activity/event you were planning on doing. Do not feel guilty about that!
You friend will not be alone on her birthday, I suppose? She is a parent, so she can spend the day with her child/children?

And you can celebrate her another day. If you want to.

MariaLuna · 03/11/2023 23:05

This year I've asked her three times in the space of six weeks what she wants to do for her birthday and have had variously "no idea yet" then "will sort and let you know" and finally radio silence when I last asked. I had another offer of something to do this weekend

OP, go with the plans for the weekend and don't let your flaky friend rule your life.

Put her on block for the weekend when out enjoying with your other friends.

Why are you letting her have such a hold over your life? Expand your circle.

"Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option".

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/11/2023 23:06

Bonbon21 · 03/11/2023 22:57

You text her again and tell her you need to know YOUR plans going forward, so she has.. HAS... to confirm either way by 5pm tomorrow... because otherwise you will be booking your other option at that time... and do it.
She is being rude if nothing else, has decided her time is more important than your time.
This is another version of the 'pick me' dance..

I've effectively already done that: texted her earlier with a slightly PA message basically saying can you let me know ASAP. No response.

It's interesting what you say about the "pick me" dance though... I'd never thought of it like that.

I could totally deal with it if she didn't want to bother with her birthday and hadn't made such a thing of it last time around. It's the hypocrisy and the constant keeping other people waiting which I find so irritating. She gets really irritated when people push her to confirm arrangements, as if its controlling. But the net effect of her refusal to organise her life is to make it hard for others to organise theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/11/2023 23:08

@MariaLuna

Why are you letting her have such a hold over your life? Expand your circle.

I've got a pretty wide circle of friends, I had two other offers this weekend. Which is why I'm irritated at having kept this free just to be dicked around like this.

But I take your point.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 23:09

Sounds to me like her general flakiness tbh.

If I felt that I'd given her enough chances to let me know her plans and she hadn't, I'd send one last message to say "I've been invited out over your bday weekend, but I've not confirmed it yet cos I've been waiting to hear from you. I don't want to cause any upset because I know you were unhappy the last time this happened. I'll need to know by Sunday whether we are doing anything for your birthday, otherwise i won't be available. Thanks. Hope to hear from you soon"

Casmama · 03/11/2023 23:16

Give this no further thought- book your accommodation and if there is any complaint from your friend then call her on her nonsense.

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/11/2023 23:18

Casmama · 03/11/2023 23:16

Give this no further thought- book your accommodation and if there is any complaint from your friend then call her on her nonsense.

It's probably now too late for that, sadly.

OP posts:
Casmama · 03/11/2023 23:24

There's a phrase about not making people a priority when they see you only as an it- this may apply here. In future maybe ask once with a deadline of a week for response then Do your own thing

Casmama · 03/11/2023 23:24

Sorry - see you as an option

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2023 23:33

It is absolutely fucking insane the lengths you go to to pander to this selfish, self-absorbed, brattish twat.

It's quite remarkable that she was able to convince you that her whims were more important than anything else going on in other people's lives.

You should have ditched her ages ago.

Takenoprisoner · 03/11/2023 23:38

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2023 23:33

It is absolutely fucking insane the lengths you go to to pander to this selfish, self-absorbed, brattish twat.

It's quite remarkable that she was able to convince you that her whims were more important than anything else going on in other people's lives.

You should have ditched her ages ago.

Agree with this. she's acting like a spoilt brat and you're letting her. make this the last time you ever bend over backwards for her.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/11/2023 23:39

That's not just flaky, it's also selfish, thoughtless and rude. By laughing amongst yourselves about it, her behaviour is forgiven and accepted.
She's never had to change because you've all accepted it.
She won't change her behaviour, so you need to change yours.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 04/11/2023 00:05

MariaLuna · 03/11/2023 23:05

This year I've asked her three times in the space of six weeks what she wants to do for her birthday and have had variously "no idea yet" then "will sort and let you know" and finally radio silence when I last asked. I had another offer of something to do this weekend

OP, go with the plans for the weekend and don't let your flaky friend rule your life.

Put her on block for the weekend when out enjoying with your other friends.

Why are you letting her have such a hold over your life? Expand your circle.

"Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option".

This. You can't run your life around a flaky friend who can't be bothered to organise her own life.

Honestly, the number of posts on MN at the moment about so-called "friends" is insane. Life is too short for dramatics!

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/11/2023 07:52

Well I finally had a reply last night from her after my latest request saying, breezily, that she had decided to go to a house party.

I'm actually fucking speechless. Not so much that she's decided to change plans, but that it hasn't crossed her mind to inform me when I've asked three times. Not only does she not want to spend her birthday with me (I can live with this) but I don't merit the courtesy of being informed when I've asked three times and she knew I was waiting to be told.

@Justmuddlingalong you are totally right. It's fucking rude.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 04/11/2023 08:08

You need to stop showing her any sort of courtesy and just make plans as and when you want to. Tough if she gets stroppy. Her recent message has confirmed she cares little about you or your plans.

Loubelle70 · 04/11/2023 08:17

I had this with a friend, well whom i thought was.
She was flaky, wouldn't come when she said she would. I said can we organise when you'll come to my house, cos I'm busy and so are you. She still just turned up without planning..so i was ignored. Said it again...we are both busy so its best to plan what day youre popping by and also say 50% time you say youre coming you dont and dont let me know...i could be doing something different waiting for you when you dont turn up. Ok i will change she said. She didn't, just turned up again. So, i dumped her as a friend. Not seen her since. My time is as precious as anyones. Id get rid. Btw i knew this friend 20 year. She wasn't adhd just entitled and took me for granted

SidekickSylvia · 04/11/2023 08:19

Actions speak louder than words - she couldn't care less about you. I'd be done with the friendship, she's rude and selfish.

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/11/2023 08:28

SidekickSylvia · 04/11/2023 08:19

Actions speak louder than words - she couldn't care less about you. I'd be done with the friendship, she's rude and selfish.

She really couldn't care less could she?

I'm pretty shocked she has actually admitted that she gave no consideration to me whatsoever when she knew I was waiting to hear back from her before making plans. That's a real fuck you.

We are supposed to be going on holiday next year (with our kids). Was supposed to be meeting soon to start planning it. I'm actually sorely tempted to pull out. I don't want to lose the cash but I don't want to spend a week pretending to get on with someone who considers me a spacefiller.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 04/11/2023 08:36

Have you already paid for the holiday? If so can you do a lot of things separately?

I’m sorry for how she’s treated you. Book your accommodation or go do something else fun with your other friends.

Housenoob · 04/11/2023 08:41

'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option' - Maya Angelou

Oldthyme · 04/11/2023 08:42

Justmuddlingalong · 03/11/2023 23:39

That's not just flaky, it's also selfish, thoughtless and rude. By laughing amongst yourselves about it, her behaviour is forgiven and accepted.
She's never had to change because you've all accepted it.
She won't change her behaviour, so you need to change yours.

This ^
Get on with life without her. Give yourself that freedom.
She sounds awful.

Epidote · 04/11/2023 08:50

You have learned the lesson the hard way OP.
Do not plan anymore for her. She is an adult she can make her owns. Let the holiday plan with her fade and book your own.

TheOccupier · 04/11/2023 08:51

Did she actually ask you to keep this year's birthday weekend free?

nibblessquibbles · 04/11/2023 09:00

So yes it is rude but also I've learned just as some folks are planners (like me) others are not (like my bf). It drives me crazy because I like to know what's happening but I have learned that he genuinely can just go with the flow and is not bothered if things change or stuff crops up.
The difference is then he doesn't get upset if I've made other arrangements etc as he understands his lack of planning means that things don't happen as he always wants. Your friend can be that disorganised no planning type but then she cannot get upset as she did a few years ago if you make other plans

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