This probably sounds teenage... help me make sense of friend's behaviour

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Old and good friend (20 years plus). We're middle aged.

She's a lovely friend, I love her dearly and we have a lot in common. Our kids get on and we loads of friends in common. Her only real flaw is she is fucking flaky. Always has been bad about making and keeping arrangements. I know it's not personal, she does it to everyone and it used to be so bad it was a running joke in our friendship group, now somewhat better as she's a parent but still has terrible form for pulling out of things last minute, not getting around to organising things, taking ages to confirm attendance and generally replying to text communication and giving the impression sometimes of waiting for a better offer. That context is probably relevant but may not be the whole story. (Before someone asks, she doesn't have ADHD or any other kind of ND).

She got pissed off with me a few years ago because I planned to do something on her birthday weekend (even though she hadn't at the time organised anything or even mentioned doing something). Said afterwards she had been really upset. I took this on board and every birthday since have made a point of checking with her what her plans are. Went out last year with other friends and all was good.

This year I've asked her three times in the space of six weeks what she wants to do for her birthday and have had variously "no idea yet" then "will sort and let you know" and finally radio silence when I last asked. I had another offer of something to do this weekend which would have involved organising accommodation so was keeping this arrangement on the backburner waiting to hear from my friend. I made it clear to her the second time I prompted her that she was first priority but that I'd like to be able to arrange to do this if she wasn't doing anything so could she let me know so I could make plans. I've texted again tonight to ask what's happening and she hasn't replied.

I know that all plans with this friend need to be taken with a truckload of salt because of the general lack of organisation and she may just have scraped something together last minute. I also know that it's her right to celebrate her birthday with whomever she pleases and I need to take that on the chin. But I'm pretty pissed off with the general hypocrisy and lack of consideration.

Trying to get my head around whether this is a) the usual flakiness b) I've been NFI'ed because there are better people to hang out with or c) I'm at the receiving end of some long-form punishment for something that happened 4+ years ago.

Just a general vent really but keen to hear people's theories.

I think you have bent over backwards to accomodate this "friend". I really value friends who stick to plans / make firm plans, unless there's an emergency, of course. Your post has made me realise that all my main friends are 100% reliable. None would delay answering a message or let me down at the last minute, without a very good reason.

But that doesn't mean I haven't met flaky people in the past. Over time I've let them slide and either we've lost contact or it's a card at Christmas. I think it's because my self esteem can be shaky at times, so I perceive rejection more easily.

I imagine you could have very good self esteem OP, and 'roll with the punches'. Or maybe feel you must please people come what may? Whatever, you have unwittingky allowed this to happen, though no doubt with the best of intentions.

I'd ignore her for a while (if you still want her friendship) and see what happens.

I think that sometimes a degree of flakiness can be down to someone struggling with shit in their life and not being great at handling it.

I know I can do this - I've got a situation in my life that causes me quite a lot of anguish (DC related, not anything that can be helped unfortunately) and when times are particularly difficult I tend to withdraw and struggle to maintain contact with anyone but close family and my BF who knows what is going on. To my other friends (who are lovely people, but who don't know me as well) I must look flakey as fuck. I hate that I do it but I leave messages unread because I just can't bring muself reply, I don't really even understand why.

Once I manage to pull myself out of it I always apologise though and certainly wouldn't try to twist anything round on them. Your friend just sounds a bit selfish sadly.

How can you lose the cash if you haven’t even started planning it

The writing was on the wall the whole time you just didn’t see it. It’s as clear as day she was doing something that excluded you but she didn’t know how to tell you

This friendship means more to you than her so be careful or you’ll end up getting hurt

Is it too late to do your other thing? Check that, it’d be a shame to miss out. And never ever wait so long or ask her multiple times again. Hi friend are you planning anything for your birthday? If you let me know by tomorrow I will keep it free, otherwise I can’t as I’ve had another invite that I have to decide on by then.

I don't think you need to ditch her. I think you need to spell out what a fucker she's been here and how crap it has made you feel. If she responds in any way that isn't trying to build bridges, then you should probably ditch her.

I mean the thing is by nature I'm much more of a "go with the flow" person, so more like her, temperamentally. I'm not naturally a planner. But I'm a single mother so I just can't get anything done if I don't organise things well in advance. Organising childcare etc is incredibly complex and I can't just wing it. I've also learned the hard way that leaving things to the last minute really pisses people off and I've lost friends being too chilled out for my own good.

But yes, she's definitely one of the "I'll just go with the tribe" people. Up to a point that is OK but when it directly inconveniences others and people have pointed out that it inconveniences them and asked you not to do it, it crosses a line.

And you can't have it both ways: you can't bollock someone for not being there for you on your birthday one year and then completely ghost them a few years later.

If people don't respond, it's rude, but you do have your answer. You make different plans that don't need to include her.

I'd be dialling this friendship right back to mere acquaintances, and I'd definitely not be going on holiday with her. Go on holiday with people who actually care about you.

She was ablet to be honest with you about how hurt she was you didn't prioritise her, why can't you do the same? What are you afraid of?

She will now be doing the charm offensive to try and hoover you in again. watch out for that.

My first thought (rightly or wrongly) was that I'd probably leave the weekend or one evening clear for the birthday friend, but having read the updates, sod her!

@Takenoprisoner

She was ablet to be honest with you about how hurt she was you didn't prioritise her, why can't you do the same? What are you afraid of?

I've done this this morning. She said she had thought I'd already decided to do this other thing, then read back through the messages and realised I had asked her to confirm.

She has apologised, but in the same breath said I should have checked (I did check). Then waffled on about the "pressure" of birthdays and feeling put on the spot. Which to some extent I get, because it is a lot to do on top of work/kids.

But f she had been really upfront that she wasn't making plans, didn't want to be pressured and was going to play it by ear I would have backed off and accepted that. But she said "I'll sort", which to me clearly implies that she was planning something I should wait for further instructions. I told her she should just have been more honest about her intentions as opposed to leaving me with the impression I should wait.

It is what it is tbh. I don't want to lose a friendship altogether over it or have a major falling out so I have to just back off a bit. I guess I just resent feeling that I can never rely on her.

Well done for calling her out on her flaky behaviour.

Please say you're not still planning to go on holiday with this woman?