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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband called me fat

41 replies

NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:21

I had surgery , major surgery, two months ago. I’m still not recovered. Not at all.
I am bloated , I have excess water retention.
I have gone up a dress size .
Aside from that I have physical issues still going on and am still limited in my mobility.
For context I am usually a size 10. I have gone up to a 12 to a small size 14.
Just now we had an argument. I said my husband isn’t doing so well on his diet. He told me I need to take a look in the mirror.
He said the truth hurts doesn’t it. I feel actually sick.
Advice please ?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 20:23

While I sympathise with your predicament given you've recently had surgery, you did mention his diet/weight first.

Did he misconstrue your tone? Because that's the only way I can see this as him BU.

UndercoverCop · 03/11/2023 20:23

Well he said something nasty but in response to a nasty comment from you. You told him it doesn't look like his diet is going well, you just called him fat. So he pettily told you to look in the mirror because you've also gained weight.
Not nice

Asiama · 03/11/2023 20:23

I'm sorry you had surgery and are still recovering. I hope you feel better soon.

On the face of it, I think you are the one who started it by commenting on his diet first, so it doesn't surprise me that he snapped back.

hellohellothere · 03/11/2023 20:23

You both sound unreasonable.

Duckingella · 03/11/2023 20:24

You're both as bad as each other;you fat shamed him too with your comment.

You need to apologise to each other.

5128gap · 03/11/2023 20:26

My advice is to avoid commenting negatively on each others weight and diet, as its clearly a sensitive issue for you both. He felt insulted and hit back at you. Yes, his comment was 'worse' because your weight is due to a health condition, but it's likely he wouldn't have said it had you not started it.

HeddaGarbled · 03/11/2023 20:27

Why do you think your comment was OK but his wasn’t?

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/11/2023 20:28

What you said wasn’t okay either, surgery or no surgery.

Original poster
NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:29

Okay fair enough. I will say sorry. He was having shouting and getting angry as he said he was too hot: the house was too hot etc and shouting and swearing. My reaction was childish- I said to him you’re meant to lose weight for your health, your diet is not going well. That’s why you’re so hot .
He has never ever called me fat .

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 03/11/2023 20:29

Six of one, half a dozen of the other as my mum would've said

notlucreziaborgia · 03/11/2023 20:29

You jabbed first and he jabbed back.

He probably perceived your comment to be as hurtful as you did his.

Forgotmylogindetails · 03/11/2023 20:29

dont Know what I’m missing here ?

you basically called him fat then he called you fat and now your crying to mumsnet ?

Original poster
NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:30

Okay . I will say sorry . Thank you for all your comments .

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 20:30

As I said in the first comment, it depends on OPs tone. Perhaps he's been moaning about his weight and has been on a diet. But then tonight hes ordered a big takeaway and bought a bag full of snacks from the shop. If OP says in a jokey tone "your diets not going well then", he would be unreasonable in my opinion to hit back with a comment, knowing that she's been thru surgery lately.

However, if he's touchy about his weight, it was probably best off not commenting OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2023 20:35

You started it…

5128gap · 03/11/2023 20:39

So he's hot and bothered and bad tempered and you comment on his weight. He lashed out in temper and probably doesn't think you're fat at all. Turn the heating down a bit.

Whattodo112222 · 03/11/2023 20:40

You poked first OP. Don't dish out if you can't take.

Original poster
NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:42

He’s took his self off to bed now. This is the third major argument this week.
I will apologise tomorrow.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/11/2023 20:43

I'd advise you to go up and apologise now tbh.

Bletherblather · 03/11/2023 20:51

As I say to the children, don't give what you can't take.

Farmageddon · 03/11/2023 20:53

Yes you were unreasonable to talk about his weight, but he shouldn't be shouting and screaming in the first place.
Is he always like this?

Both of you need to work on your communication.

happinessischocolate · 03/11/2023 20:55

Hopefully he'll reply with an apology too tomorrow. Hope you're okay after the surgery. If you want to talk more about that I'm sure poster will be supportive x

icantchangetime · 03/11/2023 20:57

Are you good at apologising to each other?

And meaning it?

Original poster
NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:58

He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
But yes I will say sorry tomorrow. Thank you all.

OP posts:
5128gap · 03/11/2023 21:28

NotAscoob · 03/11/2023 20:58

He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
But yes I will say sorry tomorrow. Thank you all.

That doesn't sound easy to live with OP. It's good that you can see where you went wrong here, but its also good to try to see things objectively rather than taking on all the blame to keep the peace. You shouldn't have to put up with someone shouting and swearing in temper if it happens regularly. You shouldn't have commented on his diet, but he's no angel here, is he? So I'd not be too quick to fall on my sword and do all the apologising, as he needs to take responsibility for being ill tempered too.