I'm not being unreasonable am I?

[GrrFamily]

I'm pretty sure I'm not but, as usual, it's often useful to get an outside perspective on things.

Bit of background, my brother has been with his wife for 20 years and married for 12. I was married previously and we divorced 11 years ago. I decided not to have a serious relationship while my children were young and so, whilst I dated a bit here and there, no one was ever introduced to my family. My brother told me that, essentially, I'd had my chance at marriage, blown it (my exh had an affair) and that he would ever meet or allow any other man into his or his family's life.

I've now been in a relationship for over 2 years with someone I've known a long time as friends before. My brother has met him a few times, and they get on well. We moved in together a few weeks ago so this is a serious relationship and not a boyfriend I'm casually dating.

He sees himself as the arbiter of family life. We haven't seen them since last Christmas despite living less than an hour away because its difficult to pin my brother down to a commitment - he tends to see us when he doesn't have anything better to do so arrangements often get cancelled last minute. We were due to visit and stay over at theirs over the summer. When I messaged the day before to check it was still on, he told me they were cancelling it.

Anyway, he decided 2 days ago that we should all meet this weekend. Not hugely convenient for me for a few reasons but if we don't, it'll be one afternoon the week before Christmas (as usual) before we see them again.

So we said yes. To me, my (adult) children and my partner meeting him, his wife and daughter tomorrow.

He messaged again this morning to say that his wife wouldn't be coming now and it would just be him and his daughter. I know him well enough to know that, in his head, this is now not a him and his family + me and mine but brother and sister and our respective children. He's shifted the goalposts. He hasn't said this but he's been my brother for nearly 50 years. I know how his mind works. It's implied not explicitly stated

I replied said we'd miss her but me, my partner and children were looking forward to seeing him and my niece.

He read the message 6 hours ago and hasn't acknowledged it.

I know that this is now because he is pissed off that my partner (who he likes) will be coming too when, in his head, partners are now no longer participating because his wife isn't.

I want my partner there because we'd planned to spend tomorrow together before this suggestion and my kids want him there because they like him. I can't imagine my niece will care either way. So it's only him.

I just get a little bit irritated that my brother feels he sets the tone and nature of every time we get together. If his wife wants to join us, my partner is included. If she doesn't, he isn't.

It's not reasonable to expect me to invite/uninvite my partner based on what my sister in law wants to do, is it?

YANBU

I didn't think so! Thanks.

No, it's not reasonable.

I think stop reading between the lines and feeling like you should fall in with what you think your brother thinks/wants. By paying it mind you give it credibility - and it's bollocks - he's not the arbiter of family life. Let him be pissed off.

I think he'd find it hard to put into words why he's pissed off without looking like a pillock.

Take your DP where you want and invite him to any occasion you like.

Your brother sounds quite a dick.

Tbh, he can be at times.

You bring your partner as planned. It's not up to your brother, he's being an arse. Tell him so If necessary.
If any of my brother's tried to tell me who to bring to a get together they'd get short shrift.

It's not for your brother to dictate stop dancing to his tune in all of this and you will be much happier.
If he cannot be reasonable then leave the ball in his court life is too short to play stupid games. I see my brother for 1 hour a year which is blissful for me!

Thanks. It sounds so reasonable when you put it so simply!

We've spent so many years tiptoeing around him so as not to poke the bear that it's hard to see which way is up sometimes.

This wouldn't even be a question in my partner's family. As far as they are concerned, an invitation to him is automatically extended to me.

My partner thinks it's a bit odd that I always double check that he's sure they meant me too. He gets it but he just feels it's unnecessary.

Who gave your brother all the power?

Our parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

There a long backstory of manipulation and emotional abuse in our family and he admits he had no respect for me until we hit I'd 30s and he started to realise that they might not have been right in all the things they said about me.

Unfortunately, it's a dynamic that is hard to shift even though our parents haven't been around for a long time now.

He's the 'quiet', sensible one who always did as he was told and martyred himself to our parents' wishes. I was the 'problem child' who couldn't do right for doing wrong. His wife has said that his intolerance extends to other people too, and they've lost friends because of him. He's like a Little Prince who can do no wrong. And also a Man so automatically right.

Even though he knows the facts, on an emotional level, he regards me as tempestuous, fickle, immature, unreliable, silly and when instead up for myself I'm causing trouble because that was my narrative growing up.

It's a strange dynamic: your brother is a tinpot dictator in your family. And what he said about you blowing your chance at marriage is horrid and misogynistic. Puffed up little twat.

Your partner is not wrong that it's odd 🙂

I wouldn't confront, just start doing what the fuck you want anyway.

Thanks.

It's one of the reasons we don't try to se le them more tbh.

His anger extends to everyone. After his wedding, he was angry with his guests during the wedding breakfast for some reason. He did explain at the time. I didjt really understand but it amounted to them enjoying the food and talking amongst themselves at their tables and not paying him enough attention (not sure what else he expected!) and he angrily referred to them as 'face stuffing bastards' (not to their faces of course!)

He's not as angry now as he was but he does expect to dictate, yes. He doesn't consider anyone else.

Cripes. Just conversationally, OP, do we feel sorry for his wife? Unless she's an awful human being it sounds like she puts up with a lot and may be living a somewhat miserable life, poor woman!

Obviously YANBU and he's long overdue getting over himself. I echo what others have said - let him be quietly and passive-aggressively passed off and assiduously ignore any sub-text. If he wants to make an issue of it make him spell it out so he can see how ridiculous he sounds (preferably in writing).

"Had your chance" at marriage (with a cheating man), indeed!

WhatsCookingFlora

My exh and I did worry for her for a while initially. For a good few years tbh.

My exh and she used to work for different companies in the same building many years ago. I didn't know this until the conversation where she told me they'd lost friends, but apparently, he invited her out for lunch one day and, before they went back to work, told her that if she ever needed us, she knew where we were. And that she was never to worry about being supported by us. She said that, even though my brother hadn't been mentioned, she knew what he meant and that she'd appreciated it but she'd reassured him that we weren't to worry.

He's spoken to her appallingly in the past but she just takes lt in her stride and manages him well. She's not fearful around him.

She and I aren't close but I'd still be there for her.

"Had your chance" at marriage (with a cheating man), indeed!

I know. He asked me one day if I was OK after the break up. It was three years later. Until then, everytime he'd mentioned it, it was to talk about the impact on him - he'd lost a friend, his daughter had lost an uncle, his wedding photos were ruined (my exh had been best man).

I pointed out that it was the first time he'd asked how I was and he cried and apologised. But it was still all about him.

He said awful things over the years- my grandma had some home improvements made to improve her quality of life. He was angry that it was a waste of money and she was spending our inheritance and what if he and his wife needed IVF and she'd spent the money on a new kitchen and bathroom?

We had words about that...

You are not unreasonable OP.

Your DB is a twat. The thing he said about your grandma is horrendous.

Your SIL is either very strong, or an idiot to put up with him, I'm not sure which, but quite possibly the latter.

Do you think he may have told SIL she can no longer go, in the hope he could prevent your DP going?

If he contacts saying your DP can't/shouldn't go then personally I'd cancel the outing. Don't let him win this time.

@GrrFamily I'm not sure why you want to see him at all tbh. He sounds horrible.

I wonder why your SIL isn't coming.

stop dancing to his tune.

i know there's a lot of history, but it's (beyond) time to tell him to get stuffed & luve your iwn lufe, your way.

I think the reason she doesn't always come is that they both work at home and he doesn't often go out so she enjoys having the house to herself for a bit. I don't think it's anything more sinister than that.

He's the only biological family I have beyond my own children. And he is usually great company nowadays once he actually there. It's just that he has 'funny ideas' that underpin things.

Dear OP,

The self-centeredness and conceit of your brother is appalling. Who does he think he is to make judgements about what does or doesn't happen in your life?
You are an adult and his equal. His opinion does not matter at all. Why have you allowed him so much power over you ?? He is coercive and abusive.
It sounds like he has bullied you all your life and is trying his hardest to retain that position. But if noone ever questions his behavior or stands up to him it is not surprising that he will continue to believe this narcissistic childhood myth of being omnipotent.
It is too late however to enlighten him or hope for change . You should take your personal power back and write him out of your life. You can still see your niece but away from your horrible brother.

You don’t say if he’s older or younger but he has appointed himself as the arbiter of the family.

He's three years younger than me.

We're both late 40s.

I have stood up to him previously and paid the price. We didn't speak for a year because he laid into me loudly and publicly once because he was being very critical of the time it was taking his wife to eat her meal when we were out and their daughter was a baby. I suggested that, if he took the baby now he'd finished, she might be able to eat.

He launched into such a vicious character assassination of me, and my children were still young, so I told them to get their things because we were leaving and dinner was on him.

We didn't speak for a year after that and he had definitely mellowed but his underlying beliefs are still there.

Tbh it's nice just getting it off chest. And helpful.

Honestly, OP, a year of no contact sounds like a win to me. He sounds like the most selfish, borish and bullying man imaginable. I understand the pull of the last horizontal blood tie but, goodness me, at what cost!

I'm glad it's helpful getting it off your chest, though! It's interesting that he's seemingly learnt little from losing friends over his behaviour, isn't it?

TBH OP I would probably go low contact with your DB. As others have said he sounds like a tinpot dictator, has appointed himself head of the family and expects everyone to fall in around him.

He probably wouldn't be able to articulate what he feels rationally because what he feels is a desire to control and belittle people. Don't give it to him and don't subject your partner to it.

He sounds like a nightmare! Perhaps it's time to be really assertive on who's allowed to come and be prepared to cancel plans to meet him yourself if it means you don't pass on another plan, one you'll be grumpy about missing if he decides to cancel a planned meeting with him.
My brother is difficult in other ways, and I'm in the middle of updating the rules. He's said a few complimentary things recently on my handling of difficult situations and plans, which is encouraging, and sensed some changes on his part too