I'm not being unreasonable am I?

[GrrFamily]

I'm pretty sure I'm not but, as usual, it's often useful to get an outside perspective on things.

Bit of background, my brother has been with his wife for 20 years and married for 12. I was married previously and we divorced 11 years ago. I decided not to have a serious relationship while my children were young and so, whilst I dated a bit here and there, no one was ever introduced to my family. My brother told me that, essentially, I'd had my chance at marriage, blown it (my exh had an affair) and that he would ever meet or allow any other man into his or his family's life.

I've now been in a relationship for over 2 years with someone I've known a long time as friends before. My brother has met him a few times, and they get on well. We moved in together a few weeks ago so this is a serious relationship and not a boyfriend I'm casually dating.

He sees himself as the arbiter of family life. We haven't seen them since last Christmas despite living less than an hour away because its difficult to pin my brother down to a commitment - he tends to see us when he doesn't have anything better to do so arrangements often get cancelled last minute. We were due to visit and stay over at theirs over the summer. When I messaged the day before to check it was still on, he told me they were cancelling it.

Anyway, he decided 2 days ago that we should all meet this weekend. Not hugely convenient for me for a few reasons but if we don't, it'll be one afternoon the week before Christmas (as usual) before we see them again.

So we said yes. To me, my (adult) children and my partner meeting him, his wife and daughter tomorrow.

He messaged again this morning to say that his wife wouldn't be coming now and it would just be him and his daughter. I know him well enough to know that, in his head, this is now not a him and his family + me and mine but brother and sister and our respective children. He's shifted the goalposts. He hasn't said this but he's been my brother for nearly 50 years. I know how his mind works. It's implied not explicitly stated

I replied said we'd miss her but me, my partner and children were looking forward to seeing him and my niece.

He read the message 6 hours ago and hasn't acknowledged it.

I know that this is now because he is pissed off that my partner (who he likes) will be coming too when, in his head, partners are now no longer participating because his wife isn't.

I want my partner there because we'd planned to spend tomorrow together before this suggestion and my kids want him there because they like him. I can't imagine my niece will care either way. So it's only him.

I just get a little bit irritated that my brother feels he sets the tone and nature of every time we get together. If his wife wants to join us, my partner is included. If she doesn't, he isn't.

It's not reasonable to expect me to invite/uninvite my partner based on what my sister in law wants to do, is it?

He truly believes he's always in the right. It's that simple.

Our dad died from cancer around 10 years ago. His best friend's mum had died unexpectedly two weeks earlier. When his friend's mum died, my brother was really supportive. When our dad died, his friend was obviously grieving himself and not in the position to be as supportive to my brother.

Rather than understanding his friend was also grieving, my brother just couldn't accept that his friend wasnt supportive enough, told him what he thought of him and didn't see him again. He was just so angry that this man hadn't prioritised him when he was also grieving and supporting his grieving wife and son.

To this day my brother will not have it that his friend wasn't in the wrong.

That's why it makes days like today so difficult. He says things in such a way that, if you challenge him, you end up sounding in the wrong even to yourself, even when you know you're not. He just has an unwavering belief that he is always right.

It's crap. We've lost a lot of family over recent years. Both my parents were only children so there really is just me, him and our children.

I think that what I perceive as him having mellowed (ie being seemingly less indiscriminately and unjustifiably angry at the world) he likely perceives as having made the decision not to discuss certain things with me as away of managing me and my reactions.

Well, we were supposed to be getting together this afternoon. But no definite time or venue was arranged.

The whole conversation was literally a few messages in. Since I was clear my partner would still be coming even though his wife wasn't any longer, there's been radio silence from him. In my message, I also offered a few suggestions regarding what we could do. So there isn't even a plan.

He's in the angry, indignant, punishment phase now. He'll be ranting angrily about me and my 'lack of loyalty to the family, the impact on his daughter of my partner being there, how selfish it is of me to impose him on my own children like that' to his wife. She'll be ignoring and placating him and letting it wash over her like water off a duck's back. That's why I haven't heard from him.

He hasn't got back in touch to finalise the plans because he wants to think I'm anxious and unsettled because I don't know what's happening today and I'm waiting for him to decide/tell me.

If he gets in touch now, I'm inclined to just tell him we've made other plans given I hadn't heard from him and nothing was definite so this afternoon is off. But I'm also aware he'll see that as a hostile move, feel wronged and potentially up the ante.

He's so much like our mother

With every post to make, he sounds worse and worse. I'm surprised he's the younger brother because he is such an incredible bully. He really is awful. I would cancel today if I were you. Put him on the back foot. It's going to be horrible anyway so why put yourself through that?

He'd be lucky if I ever spoke to him again for treating me like that.

Definitely don't go today.

Life's too short for misogynistic bullies, brother or no.

Do that! It's not a hostile move, it's natural consequences.

He's playing a game with you. Don't play along. He wants you to be anxious. Just shrug your shoulders and get on with your day. If he starts, he was the one that changed the plans. Not you.

It's the only way to stand up to these types.

OP, the more l read he worse he sounds. He is just a petty, misoynistic dicatator. Take back the power, don't meet up today and go extremely low contact. Please don't bend over backwards just to dance to his tune!

I would 100% cancel the plans instead of giving him the power. I’d also text him and tell him he needs to self-reflect on why he is so like your mother! And that he should get some therapy for his anger issues.

Fuck him! He needs a dose of the truth.

I’d probably cancel the plans but not tell him. If he gets in touch to ask what happened I’d say I assumed it was cancelled because he hadn’t confirmed, and then leave it to him to make any future contact.

He sounds like is an awful manipulative man but at least you have seen through him. I feel sorry for his wife and kids.

What do you actually get out of these meet ups with your brother? Do you actually enjoy being with him? Are you just doing it out of duty and feeling like you ought to have a relationship with him? Because he sounds like he's fucking awful to you.

Maybe just let go and consider not bothering with his occasional summons in future.

If it's to keep a relationship with his kids, if they are now adult, why not try to build a separate relationship with them - suggest meet ups they can come to with your family and keep in contact without his input?

My brother told me that, essentially, I'd had my chance at marriage, blown it (my exh had an affair) and that he would ever meet or allow any other man into his or his family's life.

Who is the he/his in this sentence? Do you mean your brother said that your ex wouldn’t allow any other man into his family’s life or that he himself (your brother) wouldn’t allow another man on the scene?

Your brother sounds really odd! I’d have leave the ball in his court just to see what solution to this he comes up with 😂

You need to get to a place in your life where you don't give a shit what your brother thinks. It is of no consequence. Emotionally detach in all communications.

Gain your power back, no running after him or placating him. Don't even pull him up on anything. If you don't like what he does or says, simply put down the phone or walk away. This is the only way to deal with these narcissistic people.

I agree with other posters about detaching. Personally, in order to feel myself above reproach I'd send one more message saying something like "Hi Unreasonable Brother, let me know if any of those suggestions sound good to you or if you have something else in mind. If I don't hear from you by X o'clock I'll assume something has come up that means you won't be able to make it (in which case, not to worry!) Hope all's well."

If he gets in touch with you after that time, oh dear, how sad, you've already made other plans on the auntie in your text. Let me know if there are any other dates that work in the near future. Rope drop.

Op, cancel the plans. Do something nice with your kids and partner. Your brother is an absolute ass. Don’t let ppl hold you to ransom with there emotionally immature behaviour.

Sometimes no family is better than crappy family, OP. The fact that he's your brother doesn't mean you have to tolerate being in contact with him.

As everyone has said, he sounds awful and has taken over from your mother.

You sound utterly bullied and with very low self esteem to accept this.

If I was your new partner I would be most concerned to realise you are so afraid and dominated by your brother.

Any family is not better than truly awful family.

You are a product of huge dysfunction that continues to this day.

Your brother is an utterly vile ugly bully.

OP that sounds like a really difficult dynamic. Look up the drama triangle it might be helpful for you to deal with his 'persecutor' behaviours.

He's bad enough as a brother, can you imagine what he would be like to live with as his wife? He's absolutely awful. A real bully, furious all the time and resentful. I think I would stop having anything to do with him at all.

@billy1966 has it bang on here - he’s replaying the same crappy scripts from your childhood - I’m not sure a horrible family IS better than none!