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Original poster

I think DP is scared of responsibility

42 replies

mapff · 02/11/2023 23:36

Sorry this may end up being a long post but I just need to ramble. I have nobody to talk to irl and I've been upset and emotional tonight, keeping it in is doing me no favours.

For background, me and DP have been together for 8 years and we already have 1 young DC. We are expecting another.

Tonight we had an argument that somehow really escalated and the situation feels really bad. I'm worried at how things are going to turn out.

DP has been going out a lot lately and said he was going out with friends again tonight. I just mentioned to him that we had a lot of things to do at home but tonight and I needed help in general with the housework and DS. He also has a lot of social plans coming up in the next few weeks so I know he's going to be absent and I'll be left doing everything.

He completely went OTT, saying I had a problem with him spending time with his friends, I'm controlling, he hates confrontation he would rather leave etc. I was shocked by his reaction and I'm still struggling to understand it. He completely flew off the handle and I got quite upset. Even more so that I'm pregnant and hormonal.

He went out with friends tonight came home and I tried to talk things through with him. I said he should apologise for over reacting and again, he went off on one. Then stormed off and saying he hates being suffocated and life is depressing.

I just don't know what to do or how to approach this. I'm worried he's scared of having more responsibility and this is his way of reacting. I'm worried that he's been pretending to be happy before this, when in reality he hasn't and the smallest of things has sent him over the edge.

What do I do? I don't even know if I'm making sense here but I really need some advice.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 02/11/2023 23:43

The reality of life with young kids is that it is a drudge, but he doesn't get to opt out and leave it all up to you. He needs to understand that socialising has an impact on you and both your happiness is a balance in a committed relationship with children involved.

I don't have advice but lots of sympathy. Don't bend over backwards to 'keep him happy', he should have enough about him to see that this life is impacting you too.

Original poster
mapff · 02/11/2023 23:47

@MuggleMe Thank you for replying. At the moment I feel I'm treading on eggshells around him just to avoid confrontation, at the sacrifice of my own feelings. I should be able to communicate with him but he makes me feel like I can't. I don't want to live like that but I don't see how we can change it Sad

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/11/2023 00:11

He's training you to stop questioning him so he can do what he likes. It really is that simple.

You can ask him to do joint counselling to help with communicating your needs to each other better but expect to be told no. Which leaves two options of accepting this life of you being the skivvy and him being "single" or you leave. Unfortunately men tend to behave like him more when their partner is pregnant or just had a baby and therefore are trapped. Do you have your own job or any savings?

Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:12

@AutumnFroglets Yeah I think it's completely wrong and manipulative that he begins to accuse me of being controlling as soon as I question anything he does. Yes I have my own job, I don't rely on him for anything financially as I don't have to

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2023 00:14

The anger out of nowhere and going out... sure he's not cheating?

RiderofRohan · 03/11/2023 00:16

Are you married?

Yellowcakestand · 03/11/2023 00:16

Could he be using Coke?

Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:16

@MrsTerryPratchett I don't suspect that currently. I often drop him off to meet friends as he doesn't drive or I see them pick him up outside our house. He's either out with them or doing his hobby with his brother

OP posts:
Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:16

@RiderofRohan We aren't

OP posts:
Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:17

@Yellowcakestand He's never done any drugs afaik

OP posts:
Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:18

With his reactions both times I've been genuinely been concerned that he's not ok as it's out of character for him and it's so dramatic.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/11/2023 00:20

Happy to hear you are financially okay.

Look up DARVO.

RandomForest · 03/11/2023 00:23

He's no good.

He's of no use to you as a supportive partner or father, he's a spoilt child who hasn't grown up.

Wouldn't you prefer a real man.

Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:23

@AutumnFroglets That is literally him to a T

OP posts:
Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:23

Would I be going over the top by genuinely thinking about separating? I just don't need this right now. He's never going to change.

OP posts:
BananaHamster · 03/11/2023 00:26

How old is he out of interest?

mrsfollowill · 03/11/2023 00:28

How old are you both?- he sounds really immature. Once you have a child the going out with his mates etc takes a backseat and he should be stepping up as a father/man not a boy who prioritises his friends over his family. If he cannot do that you are better of going it alone then you don't have a 'man-baby' to look after.

AutumnFroglets · 03/11/2023 00:30

If you really feel he won't change, even with counselling, then there really is no point in continuing in this "whatever it is". A good, healthy relationship is based on support and respect for each other at the very least. Do you feel supported and respected?

Original poster
mapff · 03/11/2023 00:32

We are mid 20s so I guess we are considered as young

OP posts:
RiderofRohan · 03/11/2023 00:40

So you will soon have 2 DC together. Were they planned and has he ever seriously talked about marrying you? He's already shown a serious lack of commitment, prioritising friends over his pregnant GF and child. Maybe he feels life isn't what he expected it to be at 20 something.

BananaHamster · 03/11/2023 00:47

mapff · 03/11/2023 00:32

We are mid 20s so I guess we are considered as young

Ah so basically he's had a baby before he's ready and not really thought things through.

That's his own fault. I'd get rid of him and certainly wouldn't have anymore after your second with him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/11/2023 02:12

Are you sure you know who he is going out with? In my experience, people act like that when they feel they are being stopped from meeting up with one particular person.

MintJulia · 03/11/2023 02:14

It sounds like he's checking out, to me. I'd second the immature, babies too young conclusion.

Take care of your children and your own finances first.

Geppili · 03/11/2023 02:26

Nasty and immature.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/11/2023 03:03

You get time out with your friends, I presume. If you don't ask him when your turn is.