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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think DP is scared of responsibility

42 replies

mapff · 02/11/2023 23:36

Sorry this may end up being a long post but I just need to ramble. I have nobody to talk to irl and I've been upset and emotional tonight, keeping it in is doing me no favours.

For background, me and DP have been together for 8 years and we already have 1 young DC. We are expecting another.

Tonight we had an argument that somehow really escalated and the situation feels really bad. I'm worried at how things are going to turn out.

DP has been going out a lot lately and said he was going out with friends again tonight. I just mentioned to him that we had a lot of things to do at home but tonight and I needed help in general with the housework and DS. He also has a lot of social plans coming up in the next few weeks so I know he's going to be absent and I'll be left doing everything.

He completely went OTT, saying I had a problem with him spending time with his friends, I'm controlling, he hates confrontation he would rather leave etc. I was shocked by his reaction and I'm still struggling to understand it. He completely flew off the handle and I got quite upset. Even more so that I'm pregnant and hormonal.

He went out with friends tonight came home and I tried to talk things through with him. I said he should apologise for over reacting and again, he went off on one. Then stormed off and saying he hates being suffocated and life is depressing.

I just don't know what to do or how to approach this. I'm worried he's scared of having more responsibility and this is his way of reacting. I'm worried that he's been pretending to be happy before this, when in reality he hasn't and the smallest of things has sent him over the edge.

What do I do? I don't even know if I'm making sense here but I really need some advice.

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 03:26

You say you do not rely on him financially. Do you both earn the same? What about childcare and the cost of your maternity leave, things for the children etc? I am concerned that this may be a very unequal relationship and, in addition to not being supported practically and emotionally, you are being financially exploited.

foremostwilly · 03/11/2023 04:40

Was it a joint decision to have children?

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2023 05:40

He's not mature enough to be a good partner or a parent- you'd be better off without him

Olika · 03/11/2023 06:03

Sounds like he is not ready. He still has to live and do other things before settling down and being a father and living family life.
In your shoes I would be very blunt with him and tell him that he needs to choose whether he wants to live like a single man or as a family man. Tell him that having family and partner come with responsibilities and if he is not willing and able to deal with those then it's better he goes off to live single life. I know it's hard for you but if he isn't there with you as a teammate sharing the workload and responsibilities then what's the point of being with him.

category12 · 03/11/2023 06:17

As pp has said, his angry responses and accusations are DARVO, and basically to shut you up so he can do what he likes. With added sense of manufactured grievance against you, so when he's out I wouldn't trust him not to be badmouthing you to friends or other women.

SparklingLime · 03/11/2023 06:22

mapff · 03/11/2023 00:23

Would I be going over the top by genuinely thinking about separating? I just don't need this right now. He's never going to change.

You would not be over the top at all. You would be protecting yourself and your DC. Horrible situation for you, but this type of behaviour gets worse, not better.

Cognacsoft · 03/11/2023 06:24

Next time he says he’d rather leave hand him a suitcase and tell him to pack.

Doingmybest12 · 03/11/2023 06:28

You say this is out of character, the going out or the getting angry. If it is out of character he needs to seek some help with how he is feeling and stop taking it out on you. If he can't do this/or won't then you need to make a decision about what you need to do. Sorry you are in this situation, having to be the only grown up.

BettyPhuckzer · 03/11/2023 06:32

mapff · 03/11/2023 00:23

Would I be going over the top by genuinely thinking about separating? I just don't need this right now. He's never going to change.

I think this is a good idea.

He MIGHT change but he's probably going to need professional help to do so

Its possible that separation will be the impetus he needs to get that help to change

If it isn't , and he won't change, then you've dodged a bullet

It does seem odd to me that this has NEVER come up before. I suppose it's the responsibility of having children and you having to ask for support?

Startingagainandagain · 03/11/2023 06:42

You got together when you were still in your teens and you already have one child and another to come while still in your mid-20s.

To me it sounds like you both never took the time to be carefree, young and date various people and instead jumped straight into a grown-up, serious relationship. Maybe not the wisest move but of course you can't change any of that...

He is now feeling trapped with domestic life and believes he missed out on life.

Was it a joint decision to have a second child? It looks like he is not coping with the idea of another kid and is starting to check out of your home life.

There is a strong possibility that as you are not married that he will decide he is better off on his own and that this is the start of him distancing himself from you before he walks away completely.

Start looking at your finances and how you would organise yourself as a single parent.

Original poster

mapff · 03/11/2023 07:45

We've agreed things have to end. I feel scared at what the future holds and how I'm going to manage being a single mum. I don't think I can do it alone. I'm broken

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/11/2023 08:20

Oh I'm so sorry OP, I'm sure you are devastated at the minute but I promise you will be ok and you will come out of this stronger. It's better now to split than to waste so many years with someone who doesn't appreciate what he has. Do you have much support from your family? Dont let him off the hook in his responsibility to his two children, just because now he wants to skip off with his mates he doesn't get to just forget you all

Original poster

mapff · 03/11/2023 08:23

@Gcsunnyside23 Yes I have good support from my family. I know they will be there for me. I'm also very close with his family but I suspect they will feel sorry for him and take his side as he likes to make out I'm the problem.

OP posts:

Cumberbiatch · 03/11/2023 08:29

I'm so sorry OP x

Original poster

mapff · 03/11/2023 08:40

@Cumberbiatch thank you xx

OP posts:

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/11/2023 09:32

mapff · 03/11/2023 08:23

I'm really glad you have good support in your family. You're probably right that he will play a victim and they will feel a bit sorry for him but remind them you're young too and you're not the one ditching out on your partner and kids to run around with his friends, noone forced him to have children. I hate how men are always allowed to walk away because 'its too much', could you imagine if you decided to leave him with kids for that reason and go out all the time.
Just remember you and your kids deserve better than how he's being. I really feel for you more as you're pregnant too, it's such a vulnerable and emotional time for a woman and all you want is to be supported so lean on your friends and family as much as you need.

SparklingLime · 03/11/2023 09:59

mapff · 03/11/2023 07:45

We've agreed things have to end. I feel scared at what the future holds and how I'm going to manage being a single mum. I don't think I can do it alone. I'm broken

Well done, that's a vital step. You will be able to start to mend once you are away from him.

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