Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't like who I become when I am with certain people

33 replies

lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:41

I wonder if ppl could shed some light on this pls.
I have realised I dont like who I become when I am with certain ppl. In line with individual responsibility which I am a firm believer of, this contradicts it. I I take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings behaviours etc then how can this happen? Or am I expecting too much of myself.
I use the analogy of a group of drinkers. If I dont want to drink anymore and I continue to hang out with the same ppl I used to drink with , who still behave the same way and are perfectly happy to drink the same amount, is it only a question of time before I startt drinking again?
why do ppl think?
My exact situation isn't actually drinking. It is behaving a certain way with a group of ppl , a way I used to behave and dont now. I miss them and they miss me but I fear hanging out with them again as I think I will resort to old behaviours again? Is this weakness on my part?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 02/11/2023 15:44

I completely agree with you. Some people bring out the worst in you and others bring out the best.

You see it at work if you have a bunch of immature staff then anyone joining them tends to behave like that too, but if you have good staff then you can throw an immature one in and it often knocks them into shape.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:45

Yes it does seem that way. If one is strong and confident can that person be knocked off their feet so ti speak so easily? I am wondering if I am not being strong enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:47

the ppl in question , for one example, are pretty gossipy. They are loving and warm too in some ways but the gossiping can be pretty mean. I have made huge changes in not gossiping about other ppl now and fear I may resort to it again if I see this gp of ppl

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/11/2023 15:49

I once dumped a friend because she was hanging out with a bunch of people who were snobs and trying to impress them a lot. They brought out the absolute worst in her and I doubt they were very impressed either.

I'd dump these people.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/11/2023 15:51

There was a study of heroin usage by US soldiers in Vietnam. 34% of soldiers used it while serving.

In the first year after returning to the United States, only 1% became addicted to heroin.

Environment absolutely trumps willpower, which is why so many drug users relapse after rehab - because they go back to the same set of circumstances.

We are the product of our surroundings and are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with.

AsanteSana · 02/11/2023 15:53

'Your integrity, your dignity, your self respect, honour, morals and standards are inviolable - they aren't for sale. Not ever, not to anyone' s a mantra to remember and live by in these situations!

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:55

We are the product of our surroundings and are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with.

I have read this too. It seems that way. I keep telling myself to be stronger. To see these ppl and NOT copy their behaviours, well the ones I dont like. I just dont know if I am kidding myself

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:56

Why can't the one person in the group who isn't gossiping, be the the one the other 5 copy?

OP posts:
Sparehair · 02/11/2023 16:01

lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 15:56

Why can't the one person in the group who isn't gossiping, be the the one the other 5 copy?

Because generally in a group the behaviour of the majority will dictate the direction assuming you are peers and there’s not one person who is deemed to have greater social capital in which case they may succeed in carving a new direction for the group.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 16:02

Sparehair ....yes that's def seems to be the way it goes

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 16:03

I prob need to accept this and move on, I'm finding it difficult as they used to be a bunch of ppl I was quite close to

OP posts:
Sparehair · 02/11/2023 16:04

But I agree with pp that there are certain people who bring out the worst in each other and others who bring out the best and it’s not about one or the other being a better, more morally upstanding person. Often it’s just about complementary strengths and weaknesses.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 02/11/2023 16:05

Thank u for replies 😃

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 03/11/2023 07:51

Human beings are social creatures. It's our primal, survival instinct to fit in and establish a bond with our peers. If a certain trait is valued among a group of people, it's natural to amplify that trait in ourselves so we'll be accepted. It doesn't make you weak. It literally makes you a human being.

I've noticed this in myself in the past, and as a rule I don't hang out with people that bring out a side of me I don't like.

RedCoffeeCup · 03/11/2023 08:00

I have a group of people I find this with. Not alcohol or gossiping, in my case I become really people pleasing and try to seek their approval, which isn't how I am most of the time. I assume it's because I've known them for a long time, and when I first knew them I was very shy. These days I am more confident and have good self esteem and I would like to demonstrate this when I am with them, but somehow I can't help falling back into old patterns. It's frustrating! For this reason I limit the time I spend with them. I actually really like them, but I don't like myself when I'm with them! After a night out with them I feel annoyed with myself.

Conversely, one of the thing I love about my DH is that he brings out the best in me as a person.

gannett · 03/11/2023 08:03

Gossiping is also more difficult to "opt out of" than other behaviours because it's the motor of your social interaction.

A non-drinker can hang out with drinkers without drinking (if they're good friends who don't pressure people to drink, and if drinking isn't the sole point of hanging out). A non-gossip can't really hang out with gossips because gossiping is what they do. It's like someone who doesn't like the theatre trying to hang out with people who go on theatre outings.

Thehumiliatedfish · 03/11/2023 08:08

Like it or not, usually a friendship like that is based upon the shared behaviour. So drinking, drugs, shopping or gossiping is the shared behaviour. When that goes, you generally realise that the friendship has very little substance to it beyond the shared behaviour.

I would cut my losses. If they gossip about others then they gossip about you. Don't be foolish enough to presume they don't.

Sloth66 · 03/11/2023 08:49

I was in a small friendship group of 3. We seemed to spend a lot of time talking negatively about other people and rarely, when I met them separately they’d also talk about each other . I decided I didn’t like the person I was with them and stopped seeing them.

TotalOverhaul · 03/11/2023 09:09

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/11/2023 15:51

There was a study of heroin usage by US soldiers in Vietnam. 34% of soldiers used it while serving.

In the first year after returning to the United States, only 1% became addicted to heroin.

Environment absolutely trumps willpower, which is why so many drug users relapse after rehab - because they go back to the same set of circumstances.

We are the product of our surroundings and are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with.

That's interesting. I have a lovely friend who was a heroin user. The least likely person you could imagine. Really gentle, empathetic, quite square. He got clean and the first thing he did was move to a city where he knew no one. At the time I thought - how weird, don't you need support from friends and family who don't use?) But it worked for him.

Iamonetoo · 03/11/2023 09:16

So agree about the majority rule. I have a lovely friend but she's a real gossip, I'm not usually but when I'm with her I feel dragged into it. Always feel worse for seeing her even though I really like her

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 03/11/2023 09:34

gannett · 03/11/2023 08:03

Gossiping is also more difficult to "opt out of" than other behaviours because it's the motor of your social interaction.

A non-drinker can hang out with drinkers without drinking (if they're good friends who don't pressure people to drink, and if drinking isn't the sole point of hanging out). A non-gossip can't really hang out with gossips because gossiping is what they do. It's like someone who doesn't like the theatre trying to hang out with people who go on theatre outings.

This. Really it's their personalities you're objecting to op. Not their behaviours (eg drinking).

RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel · 03/11/2023 09:39

I'm wondering if everyone has the same definition of "gossiping" now.

I have a large group of old friends. When we are together we talk about each other... "how is so and so doing?" What's new with them?" etc...

invariably we will have an opinion about what's going on... but it's from a friend's perspective, so not bitchy.
It's ok to talk about people you know. You know. But not ok to bitch about them. Imo.

I'm happy for my good friends to talk about me too.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 03/11/2023 18:59

Very interesting points, thank you for them!

OP posts:
Kastri · 03/11/2023 19:12

I dont think its weakness on your part,I think its a strength to have self awareness and know yourself and be honest about how you think you may revert to a behaviour you dont like if you hang out with them.You can still like them but realise the lifestyle is not what you want anymore and you are on a different level or path now.Move on to people who are in tune with the way you want to live your life,its your choice.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 04/11/2023 07:20

Thank you Kastri, your comments are on point!

I think I feel the same and have done since breaking away from these ppl and some of these ppl who are not 'pleased' by my more distant behaviour have challenged me and one of them quite firmly, implied I was being weak by breaking away. I was very upset at this comment and still am, as it was a member of the gp that I was particularly close it. I realise that her comment about me being 'weak' by distancing myself more is a reflection on her and her controlling behaviour designed tore me back in again. Thank you Kastri!

OP posts: