I don't like who I become when I am with certain people

[lovenotwar149]

I wonder if ppl could shed some light on this pls.
I have realised I dont like who I become when I am with certain ppl. In line with individual responsibility which I am a firm believer of, this contradicts it. I I take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings behaviours etc then how can this happen? Or am I expecting too much of myself.
I use the analogy of a group of drinkers. If I dont want to drink anymore and I continue to hang out with the same ppl I used to drink with , who still behave the same way and are perfectly happy to drink the same amount, is it only a question of time before I startt drinking again?
why do ppl think?
My exact situation isn't actually drinking. It is behaving a certain way with a group of ppl , a way I used to behave and dont now. I miss them and they miss me but I fear hanging out with them again as I think I will resort to old behaviours again? Is this weakness on my part?

I applaud your thought process, all power to you. Be true to yourself.

as regards being the odd one out, the one who chooses not to conform with the group, there have been lots of sociological conformity studies on this phenomenon. It tends to go one of two ways. I've personally experienced the feeling of isolation caused by someone trying to drag me into slagging people off behind their back for entertainment and I refused to get involved, which meant I wasn't much fun so they turned their back on me (which was actually quite a relief). The converse can also be true, by setting the right example and modelling good behaviour, it rubs off on the group and they start to behave better.

Personally, I've found peace of mind and a sense of self comes from mingling with likeminded people who make me feel good about myself often in imperceptible ways, just being in their company is a positive experience. I've let go of people who make my nerves jangle!

daisychain01 that's very interesting. Recently I was with a group of women (a different gp of ppl to the gp I am writing about) and the conversation of saying 'thank you' to ones partner came up. Saying thank you in the context of ones partner doing mundane things for you. i.e. taking your plate too into the kitchen after dinner, making you a cup of tea after work etc This person leading the conversation was stating there was NO NEED tosay thank you for such things toons partner, it's what a partner should do etc. I was and am of the mindset that a thank you in this context is very appropriate in my opinion. This lady was def frosty towards me after. It was felt. But I was happy to express a differing opinion. I didn't notice any frostiness from the others in the gp mind

I left a friendship group because the dominant person in it was an absolute bitch about everyone (including the other people in the group when they weren't there). I did go for ages though, but felt uncomfortable with it and disliked who I was because I never challenged it (until I did, and it went all wrong - for me). everyone went along with it - people I don't believe to be bitchy, but it was just the dominating feature of the group for whatever reason.

I think you have to pay attention to how these situations make you feel and be true to yourself.

I think you have to pay attention to how these situations make you feel and be true to yourself.

Can 'another' really make you feel anything? Are we not in fact incharge and responsible for what we allow 'another' to make us feel?

If someone said to me "you are ugly, fat and useless with children" I wouldn't absorb it.I dont believe those 3 things to be true.
However if someone said " you're not very well read, you stay in too much and should be out there living more" I would absorb it

You’re definitely not weak.
Your gut knows they are not your sort of people deep down where it really matters.

You feel like a fish out of water when you’re with them, because fundamentally you’ve got different and more genuine values.

I’ve been in a couple of groups like this and it’s always made me feel slightly on edge.

When I look back, I wish I had been more aware of the dynamics (@Didsomeonesaydogs excellent post), and been brave enough to step away a lot sooner.

I think at the time I had a fear of loosing “friends” and wanted to fit in. But the point is, I never would have fitted in, thankfully.

I don't think we have much control over what we feel, but I think it's how we respond to those feelings that we have control of.

BackAgainstWall- you make some excellent points , thank you.

You’re definitely not weak.
Your gut knows they are not your sort of people deep down where it really matters.

I am interestingly listening tome gut more and more, trusting ME over the nay sayers. Feels good to be in this place tbh. I cant quite believe I have arrived here!

Coffeeisthebest- I don't think we have much control over what we feel, but I think it's how we respond to those feelings that we have control of.

This is very interesting tome. I have been telling myself I DO have control over how I feel, just change the thoughts. I think that is what you are saying here, yes? Thanks you too!