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Original poster

Bonus pay…

32 replies

Polystirene · 02/11/2023 15:31

In our house, all finances are equally shared. I earn 2x what my DH does. Occasionally I will do some additional pieces of work and this can bring in £200-£1000 per year. Again this just goes into the family pot and is spent on household / bills / whatever!

DH has received an unexpected small bonus (three figures). I simply assumed it would go in the pot - especially as Christmas is coming up.

However it turns out he feels he should spend it on things for himself, as it is a bonus he has earned.

But AIBU to feel this is a little unfair? I don’t get any bonuses in my line of work, and any extra income I get from my side job goes in the pot.

On the other hand, he does work really hard… but so do I! Not quite sure if IWBU to mention my thoughts to him or if it would seem churlish?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2023 15:33

Fair enough,you know what to do with the money from your side hustle from now on. In fact, when was the last time you put that extra money into the pot? I'd be saying yes dear, let's do that and then withdrawing it.

Sunnydays0101 · 02/11/2023 15:41

Well that’s the end of the money from your additional work going into the pot.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 15:43

So your side money becomes your own money.

Climbingthehillfast · 02/11/2023 15:43

Start saving your extra money hereon

KombuchaKalling · 02/11/2023 15:46

Cool. Any bonus or side hustle money you get is all yours now

ParisHi1ton · 02/11/2023 15:49

Tell him how excited you are now that you know bonuses don't get out in the shared pot; explain how you have £Xk due to you in the next few months and all the things you're looking forward to purchasing for yourself 👏 👏👏

How thrilling!!

Bet he changes his mind then 🙄

Wishitsnows · 02/11/2023 15:49

Stop putting your additional money in the pot. He has been clear that should be spent on yourself.

ChristyBurlington · 02/11/2023 15:49

In your case I would go back to separate finances. He is showing you that your money (you earn twice what he does) is the family money and his money is his money. So I would have separate finances again, put in my share of the bills into the joint account and then keep the rest for myself.

LadyDanburysHat · 02/11/2023 15:50

ParisHi1ton · 02/11/2023 15:49

Tell him how excited you are now that you know bonuses don't get out in the shared pot; explain how you have £Xk due to you in the next few months and all the things you're looking forward to purchasing for yourself 👏 👏👏

How thrilling!!

Bet he changes his mind then 🙄

Yeah this! I would be furious in your shoes.

category12 · 02/11/2023 15:53

As others have said, if he gets to keep his bonus out of the communal pot, so should you keep at least some of your own.

Just say OK then, I'll keep the same amount for myself out of the extra I make. He might change his tune.

Cas112 · 02/11/2023 15:54

Sunnydays0101 · 02/11/2023 15:41

Well that’s the end of the money from your additional work going into the pot.

Yep

Londonscallingme · 02/11/2023 15:59

this is odd given that all the money is money one of you has earned, this is no different. Do you both buy things for yourselves out of the shared pot?

Manadou · 02/11/2023 16:03

My DH bought me a laptop with his bonus. Out of the blue, I didn't even know he'd been given one.

spookehtooth · 02/11/2023 16:03

Fairness is whatever you negotiate, I never did the common pot thing. Our rules changed over time as circumstances changed. If you're not happy, negotiate new terms. You're in a strong position to do that.

Don't be rash tho, take time to bring a new proposal to the table. Spitting your dummy out and using your financial strength to force a harsh settlement as a form of punishment is damaging for the relationship. Better to come to the table with some modifications that gives you a privilege similar to what he's seeking.

Maybe something that leaves you still contributing a higher amount, but not everything, so that both of you have a separate fund to spend however you see fit? Maybe the timing and amount is proportional in some way to the amount he's reserving for himself. It doesn't have to be the same amount, just proportional mathematically so you're not negotiating the amount every time

vernatheraven · 02/11/2023 16:13

Just show him what you're buying with your annual bonus next year.

Lackinginspiration1 · 02/11/2023 16:18

From another perspective, he might feel bad about spending family money on himself as he hasn’t contributed as much to it. So he might feel more comfortable spending the bonus than he would your excess contributions. Maybe a separate amount of ‘fun money ‘ each would be a good alternative?

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 16:19

I guess you each keep your own earnings and split everything 50/50 from now on.

sounds like a good deal for you.

Turfwars · 02/11/2023 16:20

Your side hustle is now your bonus. Enjoy!

paintingvenice · 02/11/2023 16:22

Just tell him that’s ok and you’ll keep the money you earn and you can split expenses equally going forwards.

set up your own account and have your wages paid into that and put money directly into the ‘joint’ pot going forwards.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 16:24

When we got married we hadn't discussed a change in finances (new rental and 1 joint dc). Dh got a ppi payout and told me his plans for it. Man shite..
Both work pt jobs. Mine more scope for extra work..so that extra has always been mine. Guess dh shot himself in the foot there..

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 16:25

What’s the thing he wants for himself? No need to be specific but is it a hobby item like new bike new computer etc

Webex · 02/11/2023 16:26

I get why people think this is bad but actually this sort of is how it works in my household. The difference in income is more extreme (high earner is about 15x lower) and tbh everything from the big income goes in the pot and pays for everything and lower earner (DH) just keeps his salary.

Neither of us are big spenders though (apart from our horrendously huge mortgage) so it doesn't really cause an issue. My salary covers all the bills and I also pay off the joint credit card each month. DH is building up a good savings pot with his - it's there if we needed it.

Riverstep · 02/11/2023 16:28

I would keep the income from the side hustle for yourself in future as that can be viewed as an equivalent to the bonus he received.

whatsoutthere178 · 02/11/2023 16:37

Well I should get an Xmas bonus, have done the last few years. I buy myself something I want, husband something he wants for sake amount, then the rest goes in a pot towards family events. So say it was £500, £100 each and £300 for family stuff.
He supports me in my career, I support him in his and everything is 50/50. This is just the agreement we have tho he is the higher earner (due to me working part time for childcare until school as full time childcare would wipe out my additional wage pretty much).

pacificoceanwhale · 02/11/2023 16:41

We had this exact issue when my DH got his first bonus a few years ago. It caused a major argument.

Like you, I always put mine straight into the pot but he assumed he could splurge on himself. I went nuts and we eventually agreed he use 1/3 on himself as, like your DH, he had worked very hard.

Other 2/3 went into the pot and since then I've taken 1/3 of my own bonus each year to spend on myself.

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