Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend tells me my boyfriend is on Bumble

39 replies

Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 10:51

So myself and my partner have been seeing one another and seriously so since earlier this year, he is currently just divorced which is what we were waiting on, all papers done etc and he is just selling his house too with the ex. His ex is moving over my way moving into her new partner's house and they have a son together who is 13 who will also be moving in with her and staying with my partner 2/3 times in the week seeing every other weekend too.

During this process my partner was renting a flat and will now need to move over my way for his son's school in the next few months, well in December really.

I felt he was really rushing me to move in with me, I have a 4 bed house, which I felt kind of stressful about as I wasnt ready and needed to see him having his own place over here first of all and seeing his son more as only really been around him a few months and its so so soon too.

I was not in a rush, he knew too it would help me financially and him also, because really he doesnt want to find his own place to move into or rent again and he knew he would love to live in my place but something with him didnt feel right, I felt it was too soon... he was also leaving a lot of things at my house too, including washing which he kept adding into the basket and also pretty much all his clothes/bikes which I have asked him to now move out.

He is getting money from his ex as confirmed in the divorce papers from the sale of the house too. This issue about getting divorced, his living situation being too soon and his son potentially would be moving in with myself 2/3 times in the week was a little too much for me, I said I need to get to know him, because when you see him in the week he cant stay over yet, this isnt fair on myself...he would just assume it would be....he would drop hits saying lets pick up D and is it ok he stays over?

He also has debts to pay off, a car to sell he owes 20k on and I was just not feeling secure until he sorted a few things out etc. So we agreed to get this sorted, for him to do all this, then look at moving in together later etc which seemed sensible.

Now, my dear friend has been on Bumble a few years now and said to me, Charlie I have just seen your boyfriend on there, here is a screenshot, are you still together? hope you dont mind me telling you but wanted you to know!

Shocked wasnt the word, when I confronted him he said, well yes its true, I had the app but I wasnt active on it or using it. (I still dont believe him)

When we were together and made ourselves official we deleted those apps together and our profiles etc, now she mentioned to me that he would need to have been active recently to have been shown on the reel etc and he has only just come on there. So this to me makes me think he has been active.She has been on there for about 2 - 3 years. We have not been getting on and I have wanted some time alone due to all the stress with him and his divorce and moving, its just how things have been but it looks to me like he has been seeing what else is out there per say!

He turned up unexpectedly at my house on Tuesday night crying, trying to explain himself, to which I turned him away, he is texting telling me he is sorry, cant sleep, injured himself whilst running, sends copies of his divorce papers through and tells me that well I am sure there was something going on with other men whilst I am at my running club, WTF? lets turn this around on me, which made me really angry!!

I have told him now its over, he is in denial about using the site, but lately in the last 2 weeks, he has met up with his so called long distance friend James, which he has never done before, I do believe he has met up with women, thats my gut instinct as this doesnt seem his behaviour.

So after all this kind of hoping things would work out, for me, its a case of I was getting more and more stressed and maybe I needed to see this or hear this in order to finally let him go, even though he is in complete denial saying he didnt delete his app but then turns it on me, then starts crying, and on it goes. He was always crying by the way, I just felt drained!

Thank you for reading, just still feeling a little urgh with it all.....has anyone experienced their exes on dating apps/partners?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 02/11/2023 10:57

Well done for listening to your gut and not moving him in. On a subconscious level it sounds like you knew it was a bad idea.

I'm sorry that your gut was right. 💐 Your friend also did the right thing telling you even though she was probably super nervous about the prospect.

Impolitesociety · 02/11/2023 10:59

Crikey.

Honestly you did the right thing dumping him. Who has got time for that! There were so many red flags before you even found out about the dating app!!

Beamur · 02/11/2023 11:00

You dodged a bullet there.
Thank your friend for looking out for you.

AgnesX · 02/11/2023 11:02

Well done on dodging that one. Talk about trying to steam roller you.

As for the perpetual crying, just yuk! (Apart from anything else a clear indication that he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone)

GLego · 02/11/2023 11:04

He sounds like a horrible manipulative cock-lodger and you are well rid of him. I'm so sorry OP x

SamW98 · 02/11/2023 11:06

He’s a walking breathing red flag and your friend has done you a huge favour

Sadly he’ll find some other poor victim on Bumble to fall for his sob stories

RantyAnty · 02/11/2023 11:11

There's no man more in love than one who needs a roof over his head!

Have you blocked the cocklodger yet?

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 11:11

Thanks everyone its just getting now his car moved from my house that he is needing to sell without actually facing him, thats the hard part I guess. but once he has officially picked that up, that will be him gone forever thankfully!

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 02/11/2023 11:11

You are doing the right thing. Who needs that much drama in their life? You saved yourself from a potential cocklodger, who had debts, was meeting others online and then trying g to make it your fault! Thank goodness for your friend!

SpacePotato · 02/11/2023 11:13

Did you write about this man wanting to move in with you a few weeks ago? The background story, without the dating app bit, is identical.

He was/is love bombing you to get a nice big house for him and his son to live in and a woman to automatically be there to clean up and cook.

Do not take him back. He is using you.

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 11:15

SpacePotato · 02/11/2023 11:13

Did you write about this man wanting to move in with you a few weeks ago? The background story, without the dating app bit, is identical.

He was/is love bombing you to get a nice big house for him and his son to live in and a woman to automatically be there to clean up and cook.

Do not take him back. He is using you.

Yes I did, this was indeed just the icing on the cake, you remember well lol!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/11/2023 11:16

You really have dodged a bullet! Once he was firmly in your house, you would never have been able to get him out.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 02/11/2023 11:16

Well done you! You just avoided being conned by a cocklodger. I’m so pleased you listened to your intuition and your friend. I imagine she would have thought pretty hard before telling you about this.

BoothsChristmasBook · 02/11/2023 11:21

My god. Who could be arsed with all of that. Presumably you've got the keys to the car he's dumped at your house?

I'd just drive it round to his and post the keys when I know he's out. Job done.

pikkumyy77 · 02/11/2023 11:23

Why would you assume she has the keys?

Get it towed. He will try to leave stuff with you to have an excuse to come back. Don’t accept responsibility for any of his stuff.

DiamondTiddler · 02/11/2023 11:27

I have recently split with my ex but currently living together. I found he had multiple dating app accounts and even been paying for premium add ons! He told me he was "just chatting to people", like I'm some kind of idiot!
The betrayal is horrible, I feel you OP.
Sending you a hug 💐

Consideringachange2023 · 02/11/2023 11:27

Personally I wouldn’t need confirmation that he was / wasn’t active on it. He’s got so many red flags it’s like a communist parade.

Wish him well and send him on his way OP. You don’t “need” a reason to end a relationship, even if he hasn’t been active recently (I doubt that is true) you don’t have to take him back.

Draw a line and move on, you already know it’s not working for you, listen to your gut and stick to it

Runningonjammiedodgers · 02/11/2023 11:29

I don't have much to add but second what others said. You are well rid of him. and you clearly have your head screwed on.

Strong lady.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 02/11/2023 11:30

Cripes - that guy was showing more red flags than a communist party committee meeting.
And that was before the Bumble thing.
I'm sorry @op - You may feel bad at the moment - but I believe you dodged a huge bullet with this one. Get rid of all his stuff as soon as you can. Don't let him have excuses to come round to you.

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 11:36

My worry here is his bloomin car which is still at mine, that he needs to sell, its parked in a parking space at the back? I have asked him today to pick this up at the weekend, if he doesnt, can I get this removed or towed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 11:38

DiamondTiddler · 02/11/2023 11:27

I have recently split with my ex but currently living together. I found he had multiple dating app accounts and even been paying for premium add ons! He told me he was "just chatting to people", like I'm some kind of idiot!
The betrayal is horrible, I feel you OP.
Sending you a hug 💐

Gosh so sorry to hear you went through this too, hope you are ok....its so horrible when you think you know someone, you may have been with your partner longer than myself which is painful in itself.

OP posts:
WhereDoYouGo1 · 02/11/2023 11:45

You have so many reasons to call it a day. Even the constantly crying would be enough. What is that about?!

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 02/11/2023 11:47

WhereDoYouGo1 · 02/11/2023 11:45

You have so many reasons to call it a day. Even the constantly crying would be enough. What is that about?!

I know its awful right, well thats more when he is not getting what he wants or not wanting to hear what I am saying about how I am feeling or what he doing etc, I have never seen anyone cry so much, it makes me feel a bully in some ways but he cant seem to face reality or sees what he has been doing wrong. Thats what worries me, but I feel a sense of relief as well in many ways too.

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 02/11/2023 11:54

So he is in debt and owes 20k on a car, wanted to move into your 4 bed home extremely quickly. He sounds like a cocklodger to me. Probably wanted to move into your home so that he can stay there rent free (who knows, maybe even go as far as to take out loans in your name and maybe even rake up more debts too), something smells dodgy!
And because you didn’t dance to his tune and move him in quick enough he has now gone on bumble looking for another victim (which he most likely would have done anyway regardless of if you’d move him in or not)! He sounds delightful!!! Well done for getting rid op. He is a walking, talking massive red flag! He should not even be looking to move in with anyone until he’s cleared his debts off!

FlibbertyGibbitt · 02/11/2023 11:57

I had this Op. Going through a divorce with his ex 🚩 rented old house he shared with her 🚩 was a gambler 🚩( kept that hidden) then had to leave rented house, could he move in with me ? 🚩 (I own mine ) had lots of debt but I was THE one 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I dumped him and raced away.

lesson learnt there ! Good luck