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Original poster

“You are very dear to me”

31 replies

Hopelessidiot · 01/11/2023 23:49

Been seeing a guy for 9 months but known him five years. See each other 2-3 times a week, speak every day, go away together for nice trips. Both been around the block, married before, got DC. His are older (in their twenties) and mine are under 10. I am 40, he is 60. It’s been one of the best relationships I have ever had.

just two things I would change if I could. He feels indirect guilt about taking me away from my kids for any amount of time. He himself feels he did not spend enough time with his DC as they were growing up and tends to project that fear and regret on to others, me especially, as someone who is close to him. He fears I will resent him in the future if he takes up all my time while my children are small. The previously slightly damaged version of me took this as a rejection or a lack of commitment but I now don’t think it is. But just wanted to sense check it with the rest of you? He reassure me it is not, but tells me that he cannot help the guilt he feels in spending time with me when my DC are at home. He spends time with me and my DC together and feels better about that.

He has not said “I love you,” although I feel like he is in love with me. He says instead “you are very dear to me.” Again the previously damaged and hopefully healed version of me on a bad day perceives this as avoidance and a lack of commitment, but I feel inside that he is in love with me and that his actions back it up.

do you think “you are very dear to me,” is a cop out? He says it spontaneously. I don’t ask him if he loves me or anything.

sorry if this is a needy post I am
just working out whether to trust my instincts these days after a bad divorce.

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 01/11/2023 23:54

Oh gosh I was just about to say 'You are very dear to me', sounds like something my uncle or grandad would say, then I realised this guy is 60!

Perhaps he doesn't think a proper relationship with someone who is 20 years younger and has kids under the age of 10, is one that's likely to work out?

BarbDwyerHair · 01/11/2023 23:59

This is very judgemental of me, but that would give me the ick. Bizarre wording for someone that age.

Icefoot · 02/11/2023 00:00

I said this recently to someone who in another life could have been "the one" but in this life, circumstances mean it will never happen. It sounds like something you say when breaking up to me!

I'm also not convinced about the children, unless you're completely abandoning your children for him, it seems like an excuse to keep his distance

theduchessofspork · 02/11/2023 00:03

It’s a very old fashioned phrase for someone of 60.

But more to the point he is saying that he is fond of you, rather than he loves you romantically.

He might love you as a friend, but definitely not in love with you, I would say.

Seaoftroubles · 02/11/2023 00:05

Is this a physical relationship or are you just friends? Sorry, but l wasn't sure as the way you describe it make it sound like a very close friendship rather than a passionate relationship.

Original poster
Hopelessidiot · 02/11/2023 00:06

It’s physical, we have a lot of sex, spend a lot of time together. All his free time is spent with me. He looks into my eyes, holds my hand, is proud of me in in public.

yet I am very dear to him

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 02/11/2023 00:09

… I’d also agree with PP that the anxiety about taking you away from your kids doesn’t ring true (they aren’t babies) and is likely a tactic to keep a distance.

Opentooffers · 02/11/2023 00:09

You are 40, he is 60. You are at totally different stages in life. You sound like you have an anxious attachment style and you have at least 2 DC under 10.
It's fair to consider if being with him takes your time away from DC, how far that is true depends on your circumstances. Do you see him then they are with their father- in which case, that's no impact?
I think the crux is that he's nice to you when others have not been so, and that is the hook. Good in some ways, but nice men exist who are 40's and 50's and really, your criteria should contain more than just being treated nice as that is the minimal expectation.
Are you really that compatible? Can you chat about life on the same level, share same outlook on life, politics etc?
Bear in mind that when you are 50, he will be 70. You could end up his carer, the age gap will become a physical gulf. I suspect he knows this, so is being guarded and possibly feels a bit like he should hold back from a long term commitment but is enjoying it for what it is now.

PointlessAddiction · 02/11/2023 00:09

9 months is still quite early doors if hes a slow burn type. My dp took about 18 months to tell me he loved me, said it every day since though and were a few years down the line.
If he treats you well and is considerate of your kids then I’d enjoy it and let things happen in their own time.

Hellers · 02/11/2023 00:15

Try withholding sex and see how dear he feels. Sorry to be blunt but it feels like a cop out. You are dear to me reeks of he's happy how things are, doesn't want to progress things emotionally, he's happy to keep you in a holding pattern of lots of lovely sex but no commitment.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2023 00:23

Sounds like an old fart’s version of ‘not that into you’.

The age gap is a drawback, ditto his past poor parenting, and his lukewarm treatment and weirdness about DC would be 3+ strikes and out.

MMmomDD · 02/11/2023 00:33

OP - its great you are having a good time and possibly healing from your bad marriage.
But have you thought through the future????

It’s a huge age gap. It works for now - just barely. But very soon it’ll start catching up with you. And i think he understands it.

In the next decade you’ll have teenagers. You will still be in your 40s - so not old really.
He’ll be approaching 70.
When you are ij your 50s and still sexual - he’ll be getting to his 80s.

What you have now is the best it’ll ever be.
Enjoy it. But please be realistic and do think about your kids. As they’ll need you for a long time. And he may need a carer…

People would say age gap relationships can work… Well - they do. Sort of. When people get together as still both relatively young. Say 25&45yos - would have years of life, and kids, etc. And yes - the younger one would be widowed, or be a carer most likely. But at least they would have had a whole life together.

You seem to have been in difficult/bad relationships before. So someone being nice and normal to you had really hooked you.
But - I am not sure that this is actually to w best for you. Despite it feeling great at the moment.

Alwayswildatheart · 02/11/2023 00:56

Hmm, so he prefers spending time with your DC and you, rather than just with you and comes out with excuses as to why? This would give me the creeps tbh

Hibiscrubbed · 02/11/2023 01:30

He sounds like your dad… 🤢

thistimelastweek · 02/11/2023 01:45

Alwayswildatheart · 02/11/2023 00:56

Hmm, so he prefers spending time with your DC and you, rather than just with you and comes out with excuses as to why? This would give me the creeps tbh

That stood out for me too.

HerMammy · 02/11/2023 02:19

Of course he's out and about with you, he's 60 and you're 40!!
Plenty more men out there that don't patronise you and sound like your granpa.

HerMammy · 02/11/2023 02:20

missed out of course he's *proud

VocalFryUp · 02/11/2023 03:09

Hmm, so he prefers spending time with your DC and you, rather than just with you and comes out with excuses as to why? This would give me the creeps tbh

This. It’s weird.

LoveTheGame · 02/11/2023 03:16

Dates women young enough to be his daughter and prefers to be around your children.

Creepy. 🚩

yellowsmileyface · 02/11/2023 07:59

It does feel like a cop out. It feels like when a guy is ending things and he says "you're a great girl". Like it's a consolation, not an expression of adoration.

Tbh both of these issues do feel like he's unwilling to commit. 9 months in, especially after knowing each other for 5 years in total, he should know by now if he loves you. The thing about not wanting to take you away from your kids is weird.

I think your instincts are right, but you're falling into the trap of thinking it's just insecurity/damage left over from previous relationships, so you're minimising your own feelings.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 02/11/2023 08:02

do you think “you are very dear to me,” is a cop out?

Completely

minieggsandmaltesers · 02/11/2023 08:04

As above it would give me the ick. But he's 60 and 20 years older then you. An old man.

Whataretheodds · 02/11/2023 08:04

Do you spend time with any other friends or groups? I'm guessing if you see him 2-3 times a week that's a chunk of the time you don't have with the kids taken up with him. What about other facets of your life?

(If you're having lots of sex then a lot of the time you spend together must be without the kids!) So is he taking you away from the kids or taking you away from doing things in your kid-free time?

How do you feel about him?

Wonderfulz · 02/11/2023 08:13

You are very dear to me …. Sounds like it came from someone who is verbally reserved after a tricky time in previous relationships. It may just take time for confessions of undying love. More importantly what do his actions right now tell you? Is he loving?

Icefoot · 02/11/2023 08:16

He prefers to see you with your DC rather than alone? There's something not right about that.

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