“You are very dear to me”

[Hopelessidiot]

Been seeing a guy for 9 months but known him five years. See each other 2-3 times a week, speak every day, go away together for nice trips. Both been around the block, married before, got DC. His are older (in their twenties) and mine are under 10. I am 40, he is 60. It’s been one of the best relationships I have ever had.

just two things I would change if I could. He feels indirect guilt about taking me away from my kids for any amount of time. He himself feels he did not spend enough time with his DC as they were growing up and tends to project that fear and regret on to others, me especially, as someone who is close to him. He fears I will resent him in the future if he takes up all my time while my children are small. The previously slightly damaged version of me took this as a rejection or a lack of commitment but I now don’t think it is. But just wanted to sense check it with the rest of you? He reassure me it is not, but tells me that he cannot help the guilt he feels in spending time with me when my DC are at home. He spends time with me and my DC together and feels better about that.

He has not said “I love you,” although I feel like he is in love with me. He says instead “you are very dear to me.” Again the previously damaged and hopefully healed version of me on a bad day perceives this as avoidance and a lack of commitment, but I feel inside that he is in love with me and that his actions back it up.

do you think “you are very dear to me,” is a cop out? He says it spontaneously. I don’t ask him if he loves me or anything.

sorry if this is a needy post I am
just working out whether to trust my instincts these days after a bad divorce.

is proud of me in in public.

I should say so.

He's old enough to be your Dad.

That's a generation age gap. He must think he's the dogs bollocks to have pulled a 20 years younger woman.

Except he can't date her without projecting weird shit from his own background/failings into her re spending time with kids.

How come he didn't spend enough time with his kids?

Is he widowed or divorced?
I never found divorced older men to be committed, well adjusted partners .. if they were; they'd generally still be with their wife & mother of their kids.

I dunno why you're so keen to have his "love" and lock him down. He's a lot older than you. 50 and 70, 60 and 80 won't be quite as nice as 40 and 60 are.

Is he wealthy or something, is that clouding your judgement?
That'll probably all go to his kids.
He'll probably never remarry to ensure it all goes to his kids.

60 is not old! It’s late middle age. Many people have full time jobs and teens at 60.

It is too old for the PP though, and he’s really not that into her.

Imo, he is being more realistic about the relationship. He is seeing it as a lovely interlude but not permanent and unwilling to commit to avoid hurt-himself if you end up leaving him because of the age gap or his leaving you because he doesn’t want a long term thing. He may feel you’re investing too much into him to the detriment of your kids-as you say projecting as he feels he could’ve been a better father. It sounds as if he sees you as a FWB rather than a life partner.

That's a very ancient expression. As young as 60 year olds are these days, 40 is even younger nowadays. The age gap is ludicrous. You're in wildly different life stages in terms of kids and he is actually right about taking you away from tome with your kids, that's what dating does however I don't think bringing him around your kids is the answer. I think you make an odd couple but answering your question,yes agree he isn't that into you or into you but doesn't see a future however is enjoying the sex and company because there aren't that many options for the average 60 year old guy.

Ooof. Nine months in, doesn't love you, that would hurt.

Most 60yr old fellas who are into younger women would be made up to be with a 40yr old and wanting to commit so they didn't get away!

I think he's seeing this for what it is: a nice time with someone he gets along with, but nothing that's going to lead to deeper, longer term commitment. And I can't blame him tbh. He'll be well aware that when you're his age he'll be eighty, which is very sobering!

Wise up OP, of course he enjoys spending time with you and having 'lots of lovely sex' ... I am mid 60s and many divorced men of the same age are delighted to find a woman 20 years younger than them for sex and an ego boost. But add on a few years and do you really want to end up being their carer ... has happened to more than one of my friends ... bright, sparky women of my age caring for an 80+ year old (& in some cases caring for their own parents of the same age).