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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I give him another chance?

48 replies

Tryandtryagain02 · 01/11/2023 13:40

Hello, I'm frightened to ask for your opinions but I need impartial advice rather that from family and friends and a pair of fresh eyes.

When I my partner and I first met he mentioned he was best friends with his ex for years and very close to her family. I thought that was quite sweet and accepted this. As our relationship progressed he would do strange things like take a photo of our ice-creams in front of me and send it straight to her (all innocent it seemed). Out relationship has been pretty much a rollercoaster and often when we've had an argument he would go to have a few drinks with her brothers.

However, the odd time when he was very angry he would make a comment about her or at least compare us. This started to happen more and more when we would bicker. Anyway fast forward a few months and her mother messaged me after and argument on fb and deleted it again. I asked him and he said she had told her mother we had argued and she wanted to confront me. I started to become suspicious from here.

Months later I explained that I was now very uncomfortable with his constant exchanging of messages and I think it should be limited out of respect for me. Now, 3 weeks ago he told me after a few drinks that she had been working at the same place as him but a different department and that's when alarm bells went off so I decided to go on his phone.

There are 1000s of messages between them, both name calling me, both flirting (some of his are just vile) and ones saying they love each other. They both have played hard to get with each other from the messages and ive noticed soon as we was getting on he would start to ignore her or minimise what he had said to her. She would then message and say that she was going to message me as he was ignoring her and he would panick.

Once confronted, he childishly explained all of it was in response to us arguing and that they're just friends and they both don't see each other like that and haven't for years. In all honestly I am gutted and really upset but dont know whether to believe him. I dont think anything physical occurred between them. Is there any possibility of getting through this?

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 01/11/2023 13:43

There are 1000s of messages between them, both name calling me, both flirting (some of his are just vile) and ones saying they love each other.

This is not a normal, nor acceptable, response to an argument with your partner. I might rant to a friend or my sister when DH and I have had an argument. But I name calling, by either of us, or me flirting/saying inappropriate things to someone else is not appropriate.

what he's doing here is making it YOUR fault that he has an inappropriate relationship with this woman and trying to blame you. Do not listen. Dump him and move on.

PierceMorgansChin · 01/11/2023 13:45

Have some self respect, please. And her mother messaging you? That's trashy af. I wouldn't associate myself with this bunch and neither should you. Good luck.

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 13:46

Ask yourself why you want to entertain bring in a 3 way relationship with a disrespectful cheating immature game playing liar?

This set up is toxic as fuck. Run as fast as you can and leave them to it.

anotherdisaster · 01/11/2023 13:47

Wow, this is horrendous. Get rid of him immediately. I honestly have no clue why he doesn't just get back with her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2023 13:48

It’s toxic and dysfunctional. Walk away and have no further part in this unholy mess.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 01/11/2023 13:48

You deserve better. You know you do. It sounds like he is with you to make her jealous.

Planesplanesplanes · 01/11/2023 13:48

Even before I got to this bit “There are 1000s of messages between them, both name calling me, both flirting (some of his are just vile) and ones saying they love each other. “ I was thinking you need to end it.

RegisteredAssistanceWolf · 01/11/2023 13:51

There are 1000s of messages between them, both name calling me, both flirting (some of his are just vile) and ones saying they love each other.

Why on earth would you want to get through this? He's showing you exactly who he is - a cheater who has zero respect for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2023 13:51

Is there any possibility of getting through this?

Op. Come on now. Of course there fucking isn't and you should have dumped him ages ago anyway. Even without this other woman in the picture, this relationship is shit. Dump and run.

HellonHeels · 01/11/2023 13:53

Of course not! This is a massive dumpster fire. Get out and stay out.

3luckystars · 01/11/2023 13:53

No chance.

IsThePopeCatholic · 01/11/2023 13:58

They’re both taking you for a fool. Time to move on.

Straycatblue · 01/11/2023 14:04

You know in the movies where the downtrodden woman who's been treated badly by her lying cheating gaslighting boyfriend finally gains some self respect & stands up for herself........

That's where you need to get to = find your anger!
It's going to help you get through the pain in the beggining of the break up

At the moment you're in shock & desperately trying to minimise it so you don't have to break up but you already know you need to. He's cheating on you & calling you names to the other women & & playing you off each other & getting her family involved = do you really want to stay involved in this mess?

You already know you will never look at him the same way, he's gone down in your estimation = find your self respect no matter how painful is to cut him loose

Livinghappy · 01/11/2023 14:04

You are in a toxic relationship that is damaging to your self respect, boundaries and self esteem.

Don't you think you deserve better?

GreigeO · 01/11/2023 14:07

It’s hardly Romeo and Juliet is it?

Thehumiliatedfish · 01/11/2023 14:07

For the love of God DO NOT give him a second chance.

Original poster
Tryandtryagain02 · 01/11/2023 14:12

Thanks for you replies. I think I am in shock to be honest. I did contact her and she swears blind there is nothing romantic between them but that he loves her. I really need to dig deep and find that self respect as embarrassing as that is. He has me convinced he didn't mean any of it as he was just angry.

OP posts:
coolkatt · 01/11/2023 14:17

he is with you to make her jealous. he is far too involved with her and they both like it that way.
the fact they have both slagged you off!! come on, find your self respect. pack up his shit and get him out your life, you don't deserve this and they deserve each other. toxic as hell. get out now.

Melodyy · 01/11/2023 14:18

Tryandtryagain02 · 01/11/2023 14:12

Thanks for you replies. I think I am in shock to be honest. I did contact her and she swears blind there is nothing romantic between them but that he loves her. I really need to dig deep and find that self respect as embarrassing as that is. He has me convinced he didn't mean any of it as he was just angry.

I hope you're able to find it. It's the only way you won't go back to him.

Legselevens · 01/11/2023 14:35

Run, and fast. You deserve better

oakleaffy · 01/11/2023 14:37

Sounds like he is about 15.
Run, run and don't look back.
Leave them to it.
They are obviously enjoying belittling you.

Don't stand for it.
Leave.
Or in playground parlance: ''Pack him in''.

oakleaffy · 01/11/2023 14:39

coolkatt · 01/11/2023 14:17

he is with you to make her jealous. he is far too involved with her and they both like it that way.
the fact they have both slagged you off!! come on, find your self respect. pack up his shit and get him out your life, you don't deserve this and they deserve each other. toxic as hell. get out now.

This with bells 🔔 🔔 🔔 on.

🏃‍♀️ Run.
🚩

shardash · 01/11/2023 14:41

Tryandtryagain02 · 01/11/2023 14:12

Thanks for you replies. I think I am in shock to be honest. I did contact her and she swears blind there is nothing romantic between them but that he loves her. I really need to dig deep and find that self respect as embarrassing as that is. He has me convinced he didn't mean any of it as he was just angry.

Yes well, after an argument most people don't exchange thousands of messages with another person slagging you off.

As the old saying goes - there are three people in this relationship.

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 01/11/2023 14:41

Tryandtryagain02 · 01/11/2023 14:12

Thanks for you replies. I think I am in shock to be honest. I did contact her and she swears blind there is nothing romantic between them but that he loves her. I really need to dig deep and find that self respect as embarrassing as that is. He has me convinced he didn't mean any of it as he was just angry.

1000’s of inappropriate messages- clearly inappropriate as she’s threatened to tell you when she’s angry he’s ignoring her, which would be impossible if they weren’t inappropriate- and you really are trying to convince yourself there’s nothing romantic between them….?
She swears blind there’s nothing because he’s asked her to do that. They are in communication about keeping you in the dark.
There is no future for you at all. The only was I can see this would be possible is:

  1. for him to at least admit this situation he has with her is disrespectful to you and, frankly, f’ed up
  2. he goes NC with her (assuming they have no kids). They cannot be trusted, whether it’s physical or not, it’s emotional between them and they spend half their time ganging up on you when it suits them. It’s bloody toxic AF.

But the reasons I know this is doomed:

  1. He doesn’t respect you and you’ve allowed this to happen by not setting firm boundaries about this “friend” who is more than a friend
  2. Both of them are gaslighting the hell out of you (not sure you’ve realised this yet)
  3. Relationships are hard, and they have their ups and downs, if at the very first hint of an argument he’s running off and being disloyal what would he do if things got REALLY hard?
  4. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else he’d be cheating with because he’s not loyal
  5. Here’s the kicker THEY AREN’T OVER EACH OTHER
  6. He’s playing her as much as he’s playing you. They are in a twisted toxic relationship and honestly, it sounds like SHE’S The girlfriend (she was there first) and YOU are the OW.

Seriously OP. It’s far deeper than your post is making out. Do everyone a favour and pick up your self respect and move on. Let these two toxic weirdos crack on with their f’ed up game of one-upping each other.

Jux · 01/11/2023 14:44

Run for the hills and you'll be thanking your lucky stars in no time.

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