Do I give him another chance?

[Tryandtryagain02]

Hello, I'm frightened to ask for your opinions but I need impartial advice rather that from family and friends and a pair of fresh eyes.

When I my partner and I first met he mentioned he was best friends with his ex for years and very close to her family. I thought that was quite sweet and accepted this. As our relationship progressed he would do strange things like take a photo of our ice-creams in front of me and send it straight to her (all innocent it seemed). Out relationship has been pretty much a rollercoaster and often when we've had an argument he would go to have a few drinks with her brothers.

However, the odd time when he was very angry he would make a comment about her or at least compare us. This started to happen more and more when we would bicker. Anyway fast forward a few months and her mother messaged me after and argument on fb and deleted it again. I asked him and he said she had told her mother we had argued and she wanted to confront me. I started to become suspicious from here.

Months later I explained that I was now very uncomfortable with his constant exchanging of messages and I think it should be limited out of respect for me. Now, 3 weeks ago he told me after a few drinks that she had been working at the same place as him but a different department and that's when alarm bells went off so I decided to go on his phone.

There are 1000s of messages between them, both name calling me, both flirting (some of his are just vile) and ones saying they love each other. They both have played hard to get with each other from the messages and ive noticed soon as we was getting on he would start to ignore her or minimise what he had said to her. She would then message and say that she was going to message me as he was ignoring her and he would panick.

Once confronted, he childishly explained all of it was in response to us arguing and that they're just friends and they both don't see each other like that and haven't for years. In all honestly I am gutted and really upset but dont know whether to believe him. I dont think anything physical occurred between them. Is there any possibility of getting through this?

Exactly this. Get out now, whilst you have some self-esteem left.

It doesn’t sound like you two even get along very well even without his cheating, and certainly nothing worth saving.

I echo the other pps, he has no respect for you, he and his (alleged) ex are taking the piss out of you.
What the hell has it all to do with her mother? He's obviously still heavily invested in the whole lot of them.
Bin him off and find a man who respects you and cares about you xxx

Because he likes keeping her on a string, and playing power games.

There are three of you in this relationship and you are the underdog. Don't put up with this, leave.

I am sorry to read this. He isn’t full devoted to you. This isn’t reasonable behaviour and shouldn’t be accepted by you. How would he feel if it was the other way around - I doubt he would like it.
i feel he is keeping his ex on standby… just in case.
I am sorry but unless his behaviour changes, I don’t see a future for the two of you.

No

This is triangulation and it’s abusive.
leave them to it and walk away with your dignity and self respect.

Even if there's nothing going on between them, why do you want to be in a relationship that you've described as a rollercoaster and where you argue all the time?

That's not what good relationships are meant to be like. Good relationships are solid, like a rock, not like a thrill ride where you're never quite sure whether your legs are going to disappear from under you.

Gosh you can do better, OP.

It's not just the flirting and sexting, it's the slagging you off.

You're just an extra in their drama - take yourself out of it - he isn't worth your time.

Nope, know your worth. He is telling you loud and clear how he feels you should be treated, please dont accept that behaviour ever.

@Tryandtryagain02 This ‘man’ does not love you and he certainly does not respect you. If you stay in this situation he will drain any self respect and self esteem you have left.
The lying, collusion, sheer disrespect that you have discovered is bad enough.. imagine the things you have no idea about!!
Save yourself .. these two deserve each other and you deserve much better than this.

End it. No relationship is worth this headache.

No, just leave him.

A guy did this to me. Talked about how his ex broke his heart. It was tiny violins time, every day. It was his way of not getting in too deep, so I’d just be handy for sex. Every day. And when I wasn’t available, he’d be wheeling out the broken heart for any number of other side chicks. He was actually using the ex as a ploy to keep his bed warm at night.

Do not even entertain the belief that you can “fix” this relationship. You read the text messages and some of the content was vile, that should be enough.
You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve so much more, block him and all his associates and walk away.

Oh OP , I despair you posted with "do I give him a second chance"
No love, no you don't. You run as fast as you can. You leave him and block him. You leave the drama that I'm sure felt great at the time back where it belongs.
Grim.
Not reality
Actually really grim
Gaslighting
He's shitting on you
He's getting off on shitting on you
So is she
Leave for god's sake and don't look back.

No chance because he doesnt respect you…. A very important thing in a successful relationship and something you deserve

Imagine your next argument. How will you feel knowing that he is messaging her in the same way?

To stay will destroy your well being and your mental health. You need to value yourself too much to put up with that

Your entire relationship has been dysfunctional – this hasn’t just been a blip. You have no solid foundation. For that reason, no I don’t think this can be salvaged. Nor should it be. Sounds intolerable from start to finish.

I got to.the 1000 of messages and stopped. Know your worth. Get rid

This is exactly how my ex behaved with his female friend and I was accused by mumsnet of being jealous etc

Whoop whoop … headfuck alert! Do not entertain a headfuck, no good ever comes of it. Block, delete, move on!

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It doesn't matter if there's anything romantic going in between them (that's the least of your worries), the bigger issue is that he's having an emotional affair with her and he's calling you names and slagging you off. That's just mean, nasty and disrespectful and also a massive breach of trust.

As another PP said, there's a big difference between having a bit of a frustrated vent with a close friend and calling you horrendous names. You could choose to reassure yourself that because (you think) there's no romantic connection between them that it's ok, but really it's not. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't have your back. That's not a good relationship.