I don’t know what normal is! So emotionally distant from DH

[Witchyblankets]

Name changed.
Feel like I just need to write things down for my own sanity.
been with DH 25 years. Dated for two years, had ups n downs. Then got engaged, married and pregnant pretty quickly after that. We’ve got three great kids who have all left home now and we are pretty much on our own. But I just cannot connect with DH.
He’s a lovely, handsome great guy but I’ve never felt like he’s my soul mate. Looking back, we should probably never have gotten together. He never made me feel special enough, nor did we ever have a satisfying sex life.
But here we are 25 years down the line with a perfect looking life, except I feel like that there is something hugely missing and it’s gnawing at me constantly.
We’ve had counselling to try to reconnect. At first it was trying to reconnect sexually but I feel like I’ve built walls now because I felt so unseen over the years. He does pay me complements but more in a ‘tick box’ something I have to do way. I don’t think we’ll ever connect in that way again but even more, just the connection of lying stroking each other’s hair was something that never happened.
I’ve had counselling on my own and what bubbled to the surface was my upbringing of being traditional, get married, have kids, get on with it because of my mother’s influence. She never really knew what sort of person I was. I feel like I’ve been living life with the wrong instruction manual. But I don’t know what the right one is.
I’m having an emotional affair with someone. At least I think it’s that. We have been nothing but above board and on the face of it look like just good friends. I’m sure if I allowed it, something would happen but he seems like a decent guy and I wouldn’t want to ruin his life or mine. But the smallest amounts of attention he gives me makes me crave all the more and makes me realise I’ve never felt emotionally connected and safe in a relationship ever, either with DH
or ex-DH. Am I just attracted to the wrong types because I long to be loved or something? I’m just rambling now. I feel quite lost. I don’t know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. Is this it? I don’t trust myself to leave as I’d probably just end up with another bloke who doesn’t do it for me. I feel like such a bitch for writing this as my DH is a good man who’d be devastated. We have tried to have convos about it but I’m sure it’s me with the problem. Am I expecting too much?

You are not alone. I feel like this too, as do many others on here.
I think there’s two causes, resentment and peri menopause.

Is marriage just a social construct? We get bombarded with this idyll of married life, yes with ups and downs but in the end, it’s great and you love each other. Except I feel numb. Except I don’t feel numb in the company of others, including Mr Emotional Affair. I see others talking about how much respect and love they have for one another and think, ‘I don’t feel like that’. But equally I see people talk of how much their significant other annoys them.
WTF is it all about!

I also think there's many more of us. Unlike you though, I have been in relationships that seemed amazing, so in love, my soul mate. The problem was that each time I felt it, the other person didn't. What I thought was the feelings of attraction were actually feelings of anxiety. It took me a long time to recognise that confusion. My partner now is similar to how you describe yours and I feel happier and more content - but still, at times, miss the intense passion I had with others. I have no advice - I know the grass is not greener. This doesn't mean to say others can't/don't have their cake and eat it. Meeting their soulmate and feeling passion, love and comfort from their partner. Unfortunately my own personal family upbringing baggage is unlikely to allow this to happen to me. What I did find useful was realising that not everything has to come from my partner. The frustration of not having deep and meaningful conversations was removed when I realised I had friends who I had them with. Etc
Peri is also to blame - it's to blame for everything 😂

I’m not the best person to ask as I’m on the edge of divorce. If we weren’t married we wouldn’t be together now. And that’s a question you need to ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life together ? Now your kids are grown, it’s your time.

I was like this in my marriage too op and in the end I decided I'd rather be on my own than live like that. Best decision I made.

You're not alone or defective.

No answers but pretty much the same here.
I know I'm with the wrong person , it's not good for either of us .
But we're in our 70's , together just over 30 years . Feel it's a question of making the best of it , accepting the situation and that we are not going to get what we want from our partner.
Looking for other ways to fill our lives and nourish ourselves emotionally and keep happy, ish.
Not to expect it to come from who we live with.

Yes it is a social construct, like most things , passports, countries , royals, gcse, fashion, Halloween, etc

They are the result of basic biological needs, belonging, reproduction , safety. We try to find a collective agreement to avoid having to decide the same things all over again.

However, your body changes as you get older. So what seemed in tuned with your needs at one point in the past seems off because it does not exactly correspond to your needs anymore.

Definitely not alone OP, I'm the same, although switch the sexes. DW and I are probably only still married due to kids and circumstances. I'd probably be called emotionally immature by DW, but the years of distance have put walls up and what we once had is now long gone if it ever was even worth having anyway!

Certainly I have no confidence in exposing my vulnerable side to her or allowing any depth to our relationship.

Maybe your H feels the same as you? Women and men aren't that different emotionally really, they are just socialised in different ways.

Where does an ex DH come into this?
Sorry but no mention of that & suddenly there is an ex in the middle

I’m musing over relationships. I’m feeling odd with my second marriage. The first one clearly wasn’t right either or I’d still be married to him. So am I just repeating a pattern. Kinda thought it would be remise of me not to mention a first marriage

I think marriage is a power arrangement, which turns people into 'roles' whether they like it or not. It takes huge energy to try to subvert it. I got married because I wanted the safety of those roles. I wanted a 'family' set up, to be respectable and 'normal' and to feel safe, which I had never done. But oh boy, I did not realise what a prison they were. And the minute I wanted to act independently, not be the nurturer, all hell broke loose. I left and am so much happier alone. And my husband, though he would probably deny it, is happier too, certainly more independent and a better friend. I would like to have had some of the nurturing I gave others, but in my experience men do not give this, and marriage is an exploitation of the wife it has to be to function. I have had to 'grow up' out of the romantic ideal we are sold. I do not expect others to 'look after me' but I have freedom now to look after myself, and it is lovely. I also do not have to look after anyone else and I am brutal on my boundaries with that. You have to be men see a woman, especially one happy on her own, and they literally home in trying to get a piece of that. I'm meaning support, space in your mind, attention. The other truth I have learned is that the secret to happiness is not 'romance'. It's work. It's a truth men have always known. Satisfying work, and freedom from others demands is what makes a good life. I don't have answers on the loneliness of that sometimes though. Am working on it.

This is also 100% how I feel about my husband and marriage, it’s making me very unhappy but I have small children so feel like I’m stuck for now :( Has anyone left a marriage like this and regretted it?

It's a Social construct. Who in there right mind would make up all the rules that go along with marriage.

But the smallest amounts of attention he gives me makes me crave all the more and makes me realise I’ve never felt emotionally connected and safe in a relationship ever, either with DH
or ex-DH.

I think there is the most basic human need to be seen and to be heard. Fundamentally I think it is what people crave most in a relationship, to connect. An awful lot of people are brought up having no idea of their own wants and needs, in a way denying this side of themselves, so they can have good relationships with their parents, then they repeat that pattern of disconnection with themselves into adulthood in favour of an “idea” of romantic love and connection which is simply not possible between people who don’t know themselves.

I would say that 10 years ago I was in that place with my DH. The resentment others spoke about was there too. But I went to therapy for other things and my husband took a huge interest in what I was working on and now he is planning on doing the same thing and we have connected much more deeply by simply having deeper level open and honest conversations. I genuinely feel loved and connected to him now in a way both of us acknowledge we never were before.

It’s a strange thing marriage.

I have many friends in my life none of whom I’d ever want to live with or spend such a significant amount of time rest of life with but I love that they are in my life and I and they (I hope) get something from the friendship. But for marriage perhaps the expectations are unrealistic and it’s inevitable that we will be disappointed.

I think this is very common in midlife, people reevaluating their needs and wants. You need to learn to be happy with you and who you are.

A note of caution, it does sound as if your head has been turned by your emotional affair, and you may be looking backwards to justify what you are doing there. Think Script - we have never been happy etc, except it is you doing it, not your H.

It would be wise to end the EA, cut contact and really work out what it is that you want. I don't believe in the soul mates thing, most relationships (beyond brief dating type things) start that way, everything feels amazing. That fades.

One of the most important reminders my counsellor gave me was that we teach others the way we want to be treated. Not overtly, but in how we behave towards each other. Treat your H how you want to be treated, over time most people tend to reciprocate. But it takes patience and consistency.

@Userwithallthenumbers you are correct. Though cutting contact difficulty as we do the same hobby in the same place and I cannot and will not give up that hobby. It’s kept me sane for a long time. Thing is it’s not him, it’s me. I’ve had daydreams about others in the past. I do need to work on myself but I just do not think I’ll ever emotionally connect with current DH as I’ve felt let down in the past. I can’t seem to get by that and at the moment I don’t even want to. We are like good pals/flatmates. He’s fine with that. I am not but trying to figure out if I’m letting myself down or should I leave only to repeat same mistakes and fall for first chap that shows any romantic interest in me.

I could have written so much of your post, right down to the mutual hobby thing.

I am heading off into therapy soon. I feel desperately unhappy. But the problem is, I'm not sure I'd choose the option of being alone over this (and that's where therapy might help too). I feel like I'm pretending to fit a role, pretending to be a wife.

I think part of the issue is, I maybe trauma bonded when I met my dh many, many years ago but was happy for many, many years until the perimenopause struck and then my eyes were opened. I wish I could go back to my previous thinking/feelings but this seems doubtful. I think I'm also repeating a pattern with men and I have only just realised this.

Now is not the right time for making major decisions for me - dc's age and practacalities and life stage but what suited me before doesn't suit me now and I long for a greater sense of connection, certainly as I head toward my later years. I'm tired of living this way. The grass isn't always greener I know that but this isn't right either, living a kind of sham.

Fortunately, with my male friend, it is highly unlikely to transpire into anything else due to his own issues. I'm careful not to talk about my relationship issues with him but it has opened my eyes that I can possibly be on a closer wavelength with someone.

One of the most important reminders my counsellor gave me was that we teach others the way we want to be treated. Not overtly, but in how we behave towards each other. Treat your H how you want to be treated, over time most people tend to reciprocate. @Userwithallthenumbers

mmm interesting. Could you say more?

I can't quite marry the concept of we teach others the way we want to be treated with Treat your H how you want to be treated.
I think I take on too much and in doing so teach my partner that I have no confidence in him and undermine him. But on the other hand I treat him how I would like to be treated , I'm thoughtful and sympathetic to his physical and most of his emotional (confidence maybe excepted) needs. But he very much doesn't reciprocate.

Yes, and this one isn't the first...I've also had daydreams/limerance in the past as things haven't been right for a number of years now. This is however a little more intense as I have slightly more contact/shared interests etc. It's like I'm living out some kind of fantasy that will never be. Either situation is painful because it lacks proper substance. I can see what's happening which makes it even more difficult in some ways. It's a sad situation, I try not to berate myself too much and try to make sure I put focus into other areas of my life.

@rileynexttime

But he very much doesn't reciprocate.

Yes this is what I’ve found. I don’t get back what I give out so then I become guarded. But there’s nothing about my emotional affair/limerence that suggests he’d be any different. He is also guarded though. But the connection is very much there.

@Therealme647 totally get what you are saying. Very eloquent and exactly how I feel

Same here.

Unfortunately we are not very good communicators...he tends to sweep issues under the carpet, I'm very good at silently seething. Not very healthy really.

We don't sleep together anymore but generally get on and have some common interests/enjoy holidays etc. I feel like things aren't bad enough to go through the upheaval of divorce/selling house but at the same time I know it's not a healthy relationship.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid.

Yes this is what I’ve found. I don’t get back what I give out so then I become guarded. But there’s nothing about my emotional affair/limerence that suggests he’d be any different. He is also guarded though. But the connection is very much there.

Exactly the same. Very, very guarded (hence potential pattern) but there is a connection. Plus at least 2 shared interests and similar views.

Communication is poor with my husband too. Silent seething - yes. Doesn't deal with conflict very well and becomes irritable quickly.

The thing is as well, is that through years and years of therapy, my self awareness has massively increased (still work to do hence a different type of therapy) whereas husband very much resists anything to do that involves working on self growth so in a way, I feel like I've outgrown the relationship. I also believe I have much more to offer a partner now whereas 20 years ago, I was very needy, clingy and looking for stability. The horrible truth is (and I don't know if this is perimenopause related), but I wouldn't choose my husband as a friend now let alone partner (though we keep things amicable and work well at co-parenting). Husband knows there are issues but does nothing to resolve them, considering the root of the problems to be with me which is unfair.

The crux of the matter is that being on my own with dc (the ages they're at) would be a struggle (I have very little practical support apart from husband). The landscape will look different in 5 years time. What I would gain right now - perhaps peace of mind would be taken away from other areas - reduced social life and probable increased work pressure. I also don't like the idea of the dc going back and forth particularly at this age. The chances of meeting anyone else during this time is limited with dc. I don't know if I'm just using this as an excuse or whether I will ever have the courage to break free and live potentially on my own but I like to think so. I often look at houses on-line (here again, it would impact dc, sharing rooms etc - and the two eldest are at an age where they value their privacy). I also won't have any financial concerns in 5 years time. I could just about do it now but later, the stress will be relieved. I guess I have been standing back evaluating the whole picture. It is not black and white as it would be if there was overt abuse.

Sorry nothing to advise but wanted to let you know I am in a similar situation (and have been for a while now).

I would say that 10 years ago I was in that place with my DH. The resentment others spoke about was there too. But I went to therapy for other things and my husband took a huge interest in what I was working on and now he is planning on doing the same thing and we have connected much more deeply by simply having deeper level open and honest conversations. I genuinely feel loved and connected to him now in a way both of us acknowledge we never were before.

This would make an enormous difference I think but it just isn't forthcoming.

OP my marriage had a whole catalogue of problems. Only one of which was emotional distance. I didn't realise how bad it was or what I was missing until I met my new partner 6 months after leaving my husband.

We connected on a completely different level. I'm so happy with him. We talk, we cuddle up together, he knows exactly when I need reassurance or a hug. I was missing so much affection.

I'm so glad I got out and found someone I really believe is my soulmate