I don’t know what normal is! So emotionally distant from DH

[Witchyblankets]

Name changed.
Feel like I just need to write things down for my own sanity.
been with DH 25 years. Dated for two years, had ups n downs. Then got engaged, married and pregnant pretty quickly after that. We’ve got three great kids who have all left home now and we are pretty much on our own. But I just cannot connect with DH.
He’s a lovely, handsome great guy but I’ve never felt like he’s my soul mate. Looking back, we should probably never have gotten together. He never made me feel special enough, nor did we ever have a satisfying sex life.
But here we are 25 years down the line with a perfect looking life, except I feel like that there is something hugely missing and it’s gnawing at me constantly.
We’ve had counselling to try to reconnect. At first it was trying to reconnect sexually but I feel like I’ve built walls now because I felt so unseen over the years. He does pay me complements but more in a ‘tick box’ something I have to do way. I don’t think we’ll ever connect in that way again but even more, just the connection of lying stroking each other’s hair was something that never happened.
I’ve had counselling on my own and what bubbled to the surface was my upbringing of being traditional, get married, have kids, get on with it because of my mother’s influence. She never really knew what sort of person I was. I feel like I’ve been living life with the wrong instruction manual. But I don’t know what the right one is.
I’m having an emotional affair with someone. At least I think it’s that. We have been nothing but above board and on the face of it look like just good friends. I’m sure if I allowed it, something would happen but he seems like a decent guy and I wouldn’t want to ruin his life or mine. But the smallest amounts of attention he gives me makes me crave all the more and makes me realise I’ve never felt emotionally connected and safe in a relationship ever, either with DH
or ex-DH. Am I just attracted to the wrong types because I long to be loved or something? I’m just rambling now. I feel quite lost. I don’t know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. Is this it? I don’t trust myself to leave as I’d probably just end up with another bloke who doesn’t do it for me. I feel like such a bitch for writing this as my DH is a good man who’d be devastated. We have tried to have convos about it but I’m sure it’s me with the problem. Am I expecting too much?

The origins of marriage aren't finding and keeping a long soul mate. They are the handing over of a woman by her father to another man for the purpose of procreation, and are based around property and lineage rather than love.

To those ends it's fulfilled it's purpose, you have "built" a family. I think if you lifted the lid on most long term marriages you wouldn't find two soulmates having a knee trembling sex life and strolling hand in hand laughing at each others jokes adoringly twenty years in. It's absolutely the definition of a social construct.

I'd stay away from the EA while you work out what you really want. Don't leap from your marriage expecting to find the happiness and fulfillment you feel you lack currently with another man. If you're leaving, leave because you know without question you'll be happier alone.

I'd stay away from the EA while you work out what you really want. Don't leap from your marriage expecting to find the happiness and fulfillment you feel you lack currently with another man. If you're leaving, leave because you know without question you'll be happier alone.

I agree with this.

I feel like I’ve been living life with the wrong instruction manual. But I don’t know what the right one is.

I feel like you need to work out who you are when not a wife or romantic interest of some bloke.

I feel like you need to work out who you are when not a wife or romantic interest of some bloke.

Yes, this is my perspective on it too. This has been my focus over the past couple of years and will continue to be so. Strenthening my sense of identity. I kick myself for not realising this earlier...change in hormones/maturity/years of therapy/Dc getting a bit older, I don't know.

I don't think marriage is about finding a soulmate. It's about finding a very good friend you also fancy - someone you just enjoy spending time with. And the real self fulfilment comes from all the interests/passions/hobbies/achievements that define you. The sort of things that would fulfil you even if you were single.

As you said - you defined achievements by marriage and kids, and your husband helped you get there. But if you didn't want kids or a marriage, would you have still stayed with him or even gone out with him? That's something to consider. As a pp said - what makes you happy outside of relationships with men. What do you wake up excited and positive about? Once you figure that out you won't need the validation or attention from a man. You'll only need men for companionship and sex - and that way choose a better life partner. It's quite common I think for women to spend a lifetime burying their hopes, dreams, desires to follow the conventional route and only realise there's more to life once kids have left. Don't make any decisions on your marriage now - just go out and live your life learning/exploring/adventuring/experimenting and see where it takes you. Then once you feel you've reclaimed your life, you'll make better decisions about your relationships.

Don't make any decisions on your marriage now - just go out and live your life learning/exploring/adventuring/experimenting and see where it takes you. Then once you feel you've reclaimed your life, you'll make better decisions about your relationships.

This is very good advice and something I'm trying to follow. I'm confused slightly because I thought I did want dh for companionship and attraction was certainly there (in my 20's). But fast forward 20+ years and I don't think I knew what I wanted then and maybe a number of different men could have fitted the space (I don't know). Also, our differences seemed okay whilst we have been bringing up dc - falling into traditonal roles of him with career, me with sahm and having dc, we complimented each other in terms of what one had another didn't and vice versa. I needed stability after a difficult upbringing. I've been googling what is connection, what is love etc. I feel confused. I've started to treat myself better and gradually increasing my social circle. There's lots more to do. The perimenopause isn't helping - it's messing up motivation and I'm trying to get HRT sorted.

I’m another one that’s living my own life within my marriage. When he gets the wine bottle out I go to bed and read, I don’t want to see that night after night. I go out and do things in the morning, instead of waiting for him to get up. If a friend asks me out for the day I say yes, he can sit and watch tv on his own.
Don’t wait for life to start again, go out and find it.

OP, there may be issues with your husband, but maybe you also need to manage your expectations? Firstly, there is no such thing as "a soul mate". Secondly, after 25 years the honeymoon period is well and truly over, and marriages do change over such a long time.

Let's flip it.... if you are good pals, he is kind, respectful, can have a conversation, supports your hobbies and interests, understands that we all need a level of independence, then I think you have a keeper. All that romance stuff is superficial and unsustainable. You need to be good friends and partners, as well as each maintaining your own separate lives.

Kind of like this, it comes and goes with us. I am an affectionate person and feel in recent years DH doesn't reciprocate or appreciate my affections now I'm a menopausal hag. I had an aunt tell me that men only really love, adore and cherish young, fertile women which I thought was rubbish but while we still get on ok DH no longer adores me as he used to although I feel I haven't changed that much. I still want to love and adore him but he pushes this part of my love away now.

When my mother turned 60 my father who was older than her made a joke along the lines of "I want a divorce, I don't want to be married to an old woman", some joke 😢My mum laughed but I think that was a really hurtful thing to say, they are still together but their once lovely marriage is now significantly less happy sadly.

A friends father who developed dementia early on started referring to his wife as "the old woman" again she was younger than him and kept trying to lock her out the house at night because he didn't "want that old woman" getting into bed with him. I know he couldn't help it but it still seemed to be what he really felt and he much preferred the younger women that came into help than his wife or older female carers.

I suppose often older women like myself want this separation too but I do miss the intimacy and love we used to have but I wonder if it just isn't for the likes of me anymore?

A lot of good advice for me on here. @xanadu123 is particularly insightful. I’ve really thought about what you’ve said but I don’t think I ever defined myself through children and marriage. What I wanted was a partner who shared similar interests. He wanted kids and marriage and I (probably down to my upbringing), felt it was wrong to deny him that. Our relationship is 90% good. We share common interests as well as having our own separate interests. But with the benefit of hindsight there never was that proper connection and I pretty much buried my head in the sand and pretended everything was normal and this was how it was meant to be (again probably coz of my upbringing). Whilst passion wanes in any marriage, I’m kidding myself on if I think our intimate life is normal. We’ve spent most of our life together NOT having sex. It was never something he was particularly interested in but also he just didn’t seem interested in me. He could have tried to connect more and in different ways but since the birth of our children (grown up n left) I’ve felt little more than a brood mare. Once they came along, it’s like he lost interest. As such I withdrew so far into myself I know I’ll never be able to connect with him again coz it won’t ever feel authentic.

I do enjoy my hobbies and pass times and have a wide and diverse circle of friends. I am very Lucky in that way. But I have so much more intimacy to give and receive but it has no outlet. It makes me so sad.

As such I withdrew so far into myself I know I’ll never be able to connect with him again coz it won’t ever feel authentic.
I do enjoy my hobbies and pass times and have a wide and diverse circle of friends. I am very Lucky in that way. But I have so much more intimacy to give and receive but it has no outlet. It makes me so sad.

I feel sad too. My husband is helpful and I appreciate that he is hardworking and a few other qualities but I am not happy (mainly through lack of connection) and have tried to be. I feel really sad that I may never have this, it's looking increasingly unlikely. It is so ironic because I think I'm approaching a point where I would make a really decent partner (not perfect) to be around. I feel I have so much more to offer now and also that my husband is looking at a different woman to the one he met all those years ago but doesn't appreciate the difference and seems indifferent. I know having a partner is not the be all and end all and many people are happy on their own but it is something I would really value and cherish. I have worked at deepening my friendship connections and also family members and this has worked to some extent but the chances of finding a significant other seem slim (even if I was available to pursue this). Also, I am attracted like a moth to a candle to men with issues/avoidants/emotionally unavailable. I see this, it's a pattern. I'm hoping some therapy is going to help me because right now I feel in a horrible (and hormonal) mess.

Same situation. Marriage is a total waste of time.

I would be surprised if 5% of marriages are blissfully happy.

Same here.
Separate rooms,meals interests.together almost 37 yrs.
We did have a fantastic sex life for decades.
I blame menopause and his having to take blue pills due to ill health for the lack of communication or love.
He doesn't believe in talking .
Some of his grumpy ways drag me down.
He mis hears stuff and get defensive.
I married an older man and try hard not to act as old as he does.

Same here.
Separate rooms,meals interests.together almost 37 yrs.
We did have a fantastic sex life for decades.
I blame menopause and his having to take blue pills due to ill health for the lack of communication or love.
He doesn't believe in talking .
Some of his grumpy ways drag me down.
He mis hears stuff and get defensive.
I married an older man and try hard not to act as old as he does.

Could have written this - the mis-hearing is particularly irriatating, yet won't admit there is a problem. Peri-menopause has aggravated everything without a doubt but part of me feels like I've woken up (much, much too late). Feeling really sad (and disappointed with the situation).

A lot of the people I know are older/live on their own/divorced. In some ways I envy them because it can feel really lonely living like this when you aren't meant to be living alone.

@Therealme647 just wanted to give you a hug as your situation sounds so like mine. I was brought up by a very traditional mother who wanted for me, the exact same path she had embarked on, even though it left her unfulfilled. I can’t really blame her, my gran was the same with her, and hers beforehand. I however, was not planned and born many years after my siblings, into a different generation. Women were becoming more liberated, adventures and possibilities were becoming reality but I’ve always felt caught between two generational worlds. Hindsight is a marvellous thing. If I knew myself then as I know myself now, I would never have married or had kids. I feel so trapped by that.

Last night DH actually brought stuff to the table. He sensed that something was well amiss and that there was little physical connection between us and we actually had a very adult talk about it. I admitted I’d put up the barriers for self protection and we talked about sexual intimacy. He’s terrified of us not being together and said all the right things. Held me close, that he loved me more than anything. But I couldn’t say it back. That must’ve hurt him terribly. But I’m so confused as to what love is. He admitted that most of his life he’s been stressed by Uni work on a course that wasn’t really for him then imposter syndrome at work. He’s actually good at his job and is pretty much at the top of his game but with retirement on the horizon. He doesn’t want the rest of life with us being so distant. Thing is for me whilst all his stresses were going on I was playing my role as the supportive wife and mother but I never felt like he ever put me first and that’s why I think our paths started going different ways.

Our sex life was never good. He also took the blue pills so he could maintain an erection but even then it felt like it was more for his benefit than actually listening to me about what I felt constituted a fulfilling sex life. So in short, it made me feel that I wasn’t worth the effort and the barriers went up for self protection. No sex being better than bad, unfulfilling sex. He wants to make things better but I’ve got a wall built from 25 years of resentment and I don’t know how to break that down, is it too late.
He really is a good man but such physical and emotional connection shouldn’t be such hard work. Sometimes I’ve thought I just need a quick shag elsewhere to feel connected but I know that’s not a long term solution and the fall out would be massive.
I totally get how stuck you feel @Therealme647 it’s such a horrible, sad feeling. As he cuddled me last night I just felt cold and numb and thought wtf is so wrong with me here that I can’t reciprocate what is clearly a heartfelt attempt from him at reconnecting when it’s something I so desperately need in my life.

He’s actually good at his job and is pretty much at the top of his game but with retirement on the horizon. He doesn’t want the rest of life with us being so distant. Thing is for me whilst all his stresses were going on I was playing my role as the supportive wife and mother but I never felt like he ever put me first and that’s why I think our paths started going different ways.

Yes, I think this happened to me too. And yes, a dh who is good at his job.

I think I have just built up walls now and de-sensitized myself. We hit an awful patch a while ago but thanks to effort on my part managed to come out of that. Things have fallen back again and I am tired of making things better. Husband just sticks his head in the sand and feels like there is nothing he can do to make things better (and most likely puts much of it down to me feeling hormonal). I feel incredibly lonely at times and it makes me prone to becoming limerant (in part might be peri-menopausal but certainly not helping). The answer doesn't lie in others though, I see that and I'm heading off to therapy soon to have therapy which I'm hoping will help me address things such as why I'm always drawn to avoidant men, why I fear being alone and so on. It has forced me to take a look at my life and try to build up a social circle/focus on my interests etc.

Even if I felt I could and the key word being 'felt' due to fear, I have relatively young dc so the fall out would be massive.

@Therealme647 your comment resonated with me “We hit an awful patch a while ago but thanks to effort on my part managed to come out of that. Things have fallen back again and I am tired of making things better.”
We were much the same. I think for about the last 4/5 years have been particularly difficult. Previously the kids were a distraction but once that distraction is removed we’ve had to focus on the elephant in the room.
It was always me bringing it to the table but he didn’t seem to have the time/inclination to be fully immersed in what needed to change. Eventually we reached an impasse and I said I was fed up bearing the emotional load in the relationship. Said we needed couples counselling but I was damned if it was going to be me sorting it out as usual. He needed to show signs that he was prepared to put some work in and organising counselling was a start. He duly did and we got something out of it but not fully fixed, nor did we reconnect physically. And two years down the line we remain as disconnected as ever.
I’m at the stage where obligations to the kids is now diminished but where do I go from here. Do I just be alone in limerence with one bloke after another. Or do we remain together as we both care deeply for one another and try to make a go of it. I’m so lost just now. Even if we did split, it would appear that the last 25 years was a sham to the kids and they’d be devastated. I don’t know that I could bear the guilt of that. I feel a shell of my real self, whatever that self is.

Had we never had kids we wouldn’t have remained together but then again we may have had a different life. Pre-kids we did have fun. Even now we do have shared adventures but I don’t think that connection was ever there and instead of ending our relationship I made the bed I now lie in.

Do I just be alone in limerence with one bloke after another. Or do we remain together as we both care deeply for one another and try to make a go of it. I’m so lost just now. Even if we did split, it would appear that the last 25 years was a sham to the kids and they’d be devastated. I don’t know that I could bear the guilt of that. I feel a shell of my real self, whatever that self is.

The crux of it is, I want to stop the limerance longing and the one bloke after the other thing. I don't consider the last 20+ years to be a sham. I think the first 20 years was okay (maybe a bit misguided, but I was on the whole happy, though enduring connection was lacking, I lived in ignorance as such). If you care deeply for each other that's something.

My husband is a lovely, devoted, hardworking man who is a wonderful father. Pretty easy on the eyes even though we are now in our older years. He loves me, and I love him; but it is little more than a roommate situation. After 27 years married and 5, now mostly grown children, it seems like there is nothing left to do except to get on with it and live out the rest of our lives.

This sounds so sad. When you are on your deathbed will you think you've lived a fulfilling life? I don't mean to sound rude, as I'm waiting to separate from my dh as we have no connection, no sex, no laughs or joy, no time spent together and I don't want to add another 20-30 years of this and then die. I just don't want to finish my life like that.

This sounds so sad. When you are on your deathbed will you think you've lived a fulfilling life? I don't mean to sound rude, as I'm waiting to separate from my dh as we have no connection, no sex, no laughs or joy, no time spent together and I don't want to add another 20-30 years of this and then die. I just don't want to finish my life like that.

If there is still love, perhaps there is hope to turn things around.

Another thing is the alternatives, yes you can live alone and have potentially greater piece of mind etc. But the chances of finding another partner are low as you get older. I probably would never live with a man again and I definitely wouldn't get married again. It feels a bit depressing whatever option you choose.