MIL living with us - tips for coping!

[PaterPower]

I guess I’m mainly just venting here.

It became pretty clear that my MIL was no longer able to live independently so, earlier this year, we invited her to move in with us. She hadn’t been looking after herself and was mainly sleeping through the day when she first came which, although worrying us at the time, in retrospect was easier to handle.

We got some of the immediate health issues under control and she’s been eating better, to the point where she’s up for most of the day now. She has mobility issues which limit what she can do, so she’s reliant on us to take her out (not a problem).

What IS a problem is that she now feels she has to voice her opinion on almost everything going on in the household, regardless of whether it directly involves her or whether we’ve asked.

It’s not a big house so you can’t get away from her downstairs. If either of us ‘escapes’ upstairs for a bit she’ll start incessantly asking where that person is. We (predominantly me, because I wfh) have to do all her life admin (health appointments, finances, paperwork etc) which wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t obsess over details we’ve already taken care of (with prior conversations and agreement from her).

I feel almost gas-lit at times because she has a habit of picking anything up that’s not nailed down and putting it somewhere random. Not only her stuff (glasses, pens, cardigans) but also household stuff and paperwork, which can get very frustrating.

There are other annoyances as well, but it’s a long enough rant as it is! She’s only early 70s (with long term health problems) so this is something I’m going to have to just dig myself in for. Anyone managed it and have any useful tips or coping strategies?

Well, she's your husband's parent, so that means he needs to deal with any problems. He'll know how to communicate with her and she'll probably be more invested in keeping him happy.

For example, next time she starts asking where you are, have your husband tell her that you need time alone to work or sort out her paperwork or whatever and that it stresses you out when people try to hunt you down. He should repeat it (saying "you know where she is, let's give her a break") on subsequent occasions.

Have him ask her not to pick things up and move them because you're so busy you're about to lose it if you have to hunt things down again.

Try to laugh about her annoying habits. If you can convince yourself she's harmless and is just being herself, and if you can respond to her with a flippant joke instead of rising blood pressure, I think you'll gradually stop being so irritated with her.

Also, try to get her into a hobby so she's out a bit. It may calm her down and give her other people to be interested in so you don't feel like you're always in the spotlight. Are there activities she could join at meetup.com or a community centre or an old people's home? Or an exercise class? My yoga class is full of people in their seventies. Many of them go to the gym every day to see their friends and get stronger/fitter. Maybe your GP can recommend discount programmes? In my area, senior citizens can often get reduced or free membership.

Agree with getting your partner to deal with the issues that arise with her.

Agree with the hobby suggestion. We have a seated yoga class in our gym for people with mobility issues. It is always packed out. Something like that might work. MIL goes to a day care centre for the elderly too.

As for the controlling stuff and moving stuff around I think you have to handle it as best as you can in the moment. That stuff is never going to be easy, some people are very difficult, there can be no doubt.

Start speaking up.

Her son needs to step up.

Have you children?

If he is leaving this to you, and you work from home, I would be re thinking my relationship.

You are now this persons carer and being left to it.

Is this what you want from your life?

It's one think looking after your own parents, but having it assumed you will be your husbands parents carer because you have a vagina is not acceptable IMO.

I think you have walked straight into a situation that sounds a nightmare.

And you work from home?

Start thinking about hour future and MH.

Doesn't sound like this is sustainable, you'll be driven to homicide. Get her into assisted living, or at the very least move somewhere with a granny flat to restrict the amount of time you interact.

Seated yoga is such a good idea. I'll suggest it at my gym because friends and colleagues so often talk about relatives who could benefit from improved mobility but aren't mobile enough for yoga on the floor.

Has she been diagnosed with dementia? The repetitive questions sound like it, that she's not taking answers in. How is her memory generally?

Does she have any money? Presumably she had an income if she was living alone. Could she (or you on her behalf) start employing a companion carer for her? Someone who can look after her while you're working? Tbh for you I would start going into the office more.

I would get a lockable filing cabinet for copies of the most important paperwork and put the key in a keysafe. But I'd also make sure she has access to the original paperwork herself unless it's stressing her out.

Agree, your DH should be dealing with this.

I’m male. My MIL is my DP’s (F) mother.

Yes, she’s had an initial GP assessment for dementia and that’s led to a referral to a dementia team / clinic for further tests but that seems to be taking some time to come through.

Hobby groups would be a struggle for her as she’s lost a lot of her grip strength and coordination (she has good days and bad) but we have been looking at meet up / drop in sessions locally. I’d have to take her to these as my DP works out of the house, but it’s not un-doable with some planning.

Residential care doesn’t feel like the right solution. She’d need a lot of assistance, for instance. She can just about make tea and toast. Anything more than that is probably beyond her now. She’s on an array of daily meds and couldn’t (for instance) physically sort those out herself.

This could end your marriage.

A suitable flat (maybe in sheltered accommodation) with carers coming in 4 x a day to make sure she eats and takes her medication would be the standard solution. Your partner would still have to manage a lot of the admin but at least she'd be out from under your feet.

Why did she move in?

agree sheltered housing might be the way to go. Now she is eating better her mental \ cognitive state is probably improving & she is bored. Try meet up groups, community activities, maybe audible books?

She was in a largish bungalow with her (late) partner.

The place was too big for them when he was around and, once he died last year, she couldn’t keep on top of it nor, we realised, could she look after herself without his / A.N.Other’s help. He did a lot more for her than my DP realised.

The property’s in the process of being sold. Once it has, we may be in a position to reassess things but it’s clear she couldn’t live on her own.

We were possibly a bit naive at the start. We knew there’d be adjustments to be made, but the impact’s been bigger than we (or at least I) first thought. We both have DC so it’s had an impact on them too.

I do think we’ve got to get her out of the house more. She’s probably as bored as we’re frustrated!

I think you need to think about hobby, boundaries and assisted living; and you need to work on all of them at once. Your MIL’s mindset at the moment is focused on her living with you and you adjusting your life for her. You have to show her that:

• you are helping her but you have your life to live
• she might get help from others
• she has her own life to live just differently then before.

it might be carers help rather then assisted living but still outside help.

Working from home or not it is not your responsibility to deal with all her admi etc. You're both working, nothing to stop your husband doing it.

I would reassess when the memory assessment it complete - some of her more annoying traits do sound like the onset of dementia rather than being purposeful.

If she has dementia then a dementia unit may be what you are looking for. She sounds well past suitable for sheltered accommodation.

My (female) DP does do what she can but, as I’m (male btw) the one that’s most immediately ‘available’ and as I have always done the bulk of the family admin, the majority falls to me.

I’m not sure I would want carers in - it’s a toss up whether that would be even more intrusive on daily life. I don’t have any experience of that though, so it might be worth a try. Have any of you had carers coming in to your house? I’d worry that I’d always be concerned at whether the place was tidy.

But I do think we should look harder and get her to some meet ups and the seated yoga sounds like a good idea, if she could manage it without getting too fatigued.

Don't worry, carers deal with overwhelmed families all the time. My mother became a carer when a brain tumour affected her memory and prevented her from nursing. Any carer will have seen a lot worse than whatever your house is like. Just make sure the bathroom is clean and you can offer her a cup of tea.

Yes, I also think a lot of her behaviour is down to the onset of dementia / memory issues. She’s not purposefully doing what she does - we’ve always got on and none of it’s in spite.

But my DP finds it stressful when her mum tries to ‘parent’ her in the house. She doesn’t do that as much with me (for obvious reasons) but can really push DP’s buttons from time to time.

For me, it’s more like ending up with a teenage ‘toddler’ if that makes any sense. Another person to cook and look out for who needs ferrying about and can’t always be relied upon to make sensible decisions.

Oh dear, get yourself over to the Elderly Parents board. The obsessing, constant asking and picking things up and putting them somewhere else sounds like dementia.

There is a Dementia/Alzheimer's board as well.

Yup, it was the same with my parents. It is hard to avoid slipping into old childhood dynamics but remind your partner gently to view the annoying behaviour as a possible sign of illness and not intentional. If you can see the mother as a patient in need of care, you may both find it easier to let certain annoying things slide.

Has she been assessed by adult social care? If not its really important you contact them + get her on the list. They are very over stretched + if its not urgent the wait can be very long, sometimes years! When family steps up to help, as you have done, there is a tendency for social services + the NHS to assune you are fine + leave you to it. A needs assessment is the first step towards recommendations for carers + assessibility adjustments to the house if required. Its so important to get her in the system so you know where you can get more help, if she were to deteriorate, such as have a fall or not be safe to be left alone, + you suddenly can't cope.
I have carers in. It was very daunting + felt awkward to begin with. But they are trained to put you at ease. You often get the same ones + they can become like trusted friends. Having someone focus solely on her + her needs, providing her with company, perhaps taking her out in a wheelchair, may really help everyone. It would take the pressure of both of you + could provide respite care to free you up for going out for longer without her, for instance your own hospital appointments or seeing other family/friends. It could provide her with the company she really sounds like she needs. Don't let resistance to carers hold you back from seeking out the assessments. Its a long process, what she needs now may not be what she needs by the time of the assessment + they are experts + can provide useful insight into needs we haven't realised.
Also, it may be worth seeing if there is a memory or dementia cafe in your area. They can be a practical outing + a source of advice + companionship.

What @LucieLeicester says.

I think you and your partner perhaps need to read up a bit about dementia together? I know the book Contented Dementia has a lot going for it but it is also controversial. You could look at the Alzheimers Society website.

We haven’t contacted the social services team yet. We (DP and I) did discuss it, and it sounds like it should be more of a priority, so we’ll get on with that.

Echoing what others have said about reading up on dementia and how its progression can and will manifest.

Not only could this wreck your mental health and marriage, but your children would also suffer. Put them first, they only have one chance at childhood and shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of living with burnt-out parents (and an unpredictable, and potentially aggressive grandparent).

You are wfh - I think the care responsibilities are too much. This isn’t going to work long term.

A neighbour described it as 'like having a baby, but a baby can be picked up and taken everywhere with you, and doesn't have opinions or ask questions',

She had her DM living with them not her DMIL.