MIL living with us - tips for coping!

[PaterPower]

I guess I’m mainly just venting here.

It became pretty clear that my MIL was no longer able to live independently so, earlier this year, we invited her to move in with us. She hadn’t been looking after herself and was mainly sleeping through the day when she first came which, although worrying us at the time, in retrospect was easier to handle.

We got some of the immediate health issues under control and she’s been eating better, to the point where she’s up for most of the day now. She has mobility issues which limit what she can do, so she’s reliant on us to take her out (not a problem).

What IS a problem is that she now feels she has to voice her opinion on almost everything going on in the household, regardless of whether it directly involves her or whether we’ve asked.

It’s not a big house so you can’t get away from her downstairs. If either of us ‘escapes’ upstairs for a bit she’ll start incessantly asking where that person is. We (predominantly me, because I wfh) have to do all her life admin (health appointments, finances, paperwork etc) which wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t obsess over details we’ve already taken care of (with prior conversations and agreement from her).

I feel almost gas-lit at times because she has a habit of picking anything up that’s not nailed down and putting it somewhere random. Not only her stuff (glasses, pens, cardigans) but also household stuff and paperwork, which can get very frustrating.

There are other annoyances as well, but it’s a long enough rant as it is! She’s only early 70s (with long term health problems) so this is something I’m going to have to just dig myself in for. Anyone managed it and have any useful tips or coping strategies?

Sympathies. If there are cognitive problems I don’t think you can solve the picking things up business. She’s probably trying to remember where she used to put them, in her old house. I can only suggest you get a box or cabinet with a key and lock your important stuff in it.
Regarding the constant opinions and questions, are there any interests of hers that could distract her into talking about those instead? Such as a former job, books she has read- or anything really, sometimes people will come out with really interesting information about their childhood home, or like to talk about Cary Grant films, or The Only Way to Make a Real Steamed Pudding…

Jesus you have my sympathies I love my MIL but could never have her living her she would destroy my mind.
Her daughter had her living with her for 11 months and their relationship is no where near the same now.

My DP is about to switch to nights over the long term, partly so she can be around more when her Mum’s up.

We’ve looked at meet-ups locally and are taking her to one this week. Unfortunately her physical symptoms mean she’s not able to do anything that requires even fairly basic dexterity, which is a shame as she used to be very ‘crafty’ before she declined. She’s never been a big reader, so that’s not something she’d likely get into.

I like her, don’t get me wrong, and I feel for her as I can see at times how frustrated she is with her inability to be independent now. I’m sure we’ll adjust to her over time, and vice versa.

It is highly likely that her presence will put a huge strain on your marriage, not just to say change the whole dynamic of the household. Carer burnout is a real issue and already your partner is changing her job hours to nights to fit around her mum. Therefore she will end up being on the go 24/7 and that is not sustainable for anyone. If she is now in her early 70s you could be looking at a decade or more of such.

I would urge you both to think again and look at other options like a care home for your mother in law. At the very least your council's adult social services department should be contacted so that she has a needs assessment.

She’s got a referral to the memory clinic (something we need to chase up as her initial phone consultation was about two months ago now) but we’ve not yet involved social services.

It feels manageable at the moment, but I know it has the potential to change very quickly. And yes, you’re right about the household impact.

My friend's mum has early onset dementia and has carers in. They make sure she takes her meds mainly. I think she still makes her own meals but they are checking up with her. Also I think it is beneficial for her to be able to speak to someone else rather than a harried couple trying to run the household!

It certainly benefitted my mum. Her carers were lovely. I left work for a while to look after her but mum had mobility issues and I could no longer shower her and wipe her bum on my own! They ended up blanket bathing her and changing her incontinence pants and pads. They left a book with us that they wrote in. All sorts of details about her health and mental state which was quite useful.

Their time is limited (the company had not factored in for when they used the lifting machine -I used to want her to sit in a chair with me but we had to stop it because their next job would be far away in an out of the way form or something- time for using that was not factored in).

Anyway, you may find the carers very helpful. They may be able to pick up medication for your mum (which happens in my friend's mum's case) and other little jobs. Does she need help dressing, putting lotion on legs etc?

Have you applied for attendance allowance? It could help pay for carer/companion or day centres or a cleaner. Age concern or similar run day centres for older people and many areas have dementia friendly communities which arrange activities. It sounds like she needs companionship rather than carers at the moment which might take the pressure of you both. If she is entitled to attendance allowance she is then eligible for council tax reduction and if her mobility is bad she might be eligible for a blue badge

edited to add: check with pharmacy if they will dissect box her meds to make it simplistic for her encourage independence etc

I am a home carer. There is nothing we haven't seen, trust me!
We do always try to put everyone in the household at ease 😊
I will say, though, if it's just a couple of times a day, it's manageable for the families, but many who have carers in (particularly what we call 'double ups') multiple times a day have said although we are lovely, it takes over their lives.

On reading your thread title, my initial response was a flippant 'leave home'!
I know I would not cope with having elderly parents or in-laws here with us. As pp have said, it puts huge pressure on you and your other relationships.

I know it's really difficult. My own mother has a carer twice a day, but when that is not enough I shall be encouraging her to look at residential care. I agree that you are looking at the beginnings of dementia.

Best wishes @PaterPower

My mother did this. It seemed ludicrous that she would move things/hide things and then either deny it or forget it.

It turned out she had early onset dementia.

Have the old girl tested and if that’s what’s happening, you and your DH can handle the situation differently.

If she’s just a self centred, interfering, trouble making busybody, put security cameras in the rooms and INSIST your husband doesn’t tell her. If he does tell her, he’s enabling her to wreck the quality of both your lives - her life is fine either way; if it’s dementia she neither knows nor cares and if she’s an interfering busybody, she’s enjoying making you both miserable!

Get the cameras and you’ll be able to see where she moves your belongings AND you’ll see if she does it in an underhand way, or if she’s absent minded and innocent.

I really don’t think it’s deliberate - it’s not in her nature and some of the things she’s done (ice cream in the fridge, fresh fruit in the freezer for instance) are just too out there to be gaslighting (and means the particular ice creams she likes ended up defrosted, so she couldn’t have one).

She’s taken us both through accessing her bank accounts etc recently as she forgot her PIN in a shop the other day, which is something she’s not done before. She recognises herself that she’s not as alert as she was / would like to be and I think she’s worried about it too.

Oof. Have you got power of attorney set up for both finances and health? I would get that sorted now.

The POA paperwork was done and sent off some time ago, and the fees have been paid, so we’re waiting on the actual forms to come back.

Just don't do it!

@PaterPower with the proceeds from her bungalow can you afford to buy any property in your road? Even a ground floor flat or small terrace? Then you can arrange carers as well as being very nearby.