Need some advice, maybe I was in the wrong?

[ari568]

Me and my husband gotten into a very heated conversation over the phone. He called saying he felt disrespected because I yelled at him lastnight (currently we’re not living together). I told him I didn’t yell at him I know I had tone but I didn’t yell. I was upset on Saturday because he came way later in the day 6pm almost 7pm to come pickup our son when he said he’ll come get him around 3pm and he said he’ll be a little late and nowhere in our messages did he said he changed his mind on picking him up.

So yesterday, Monday we started texting and after the last text I sent he called me saying he felt disrespected because I yelled at him and then conversation just turned left where we’re both going back and forth and he’s just throwing out false accusations and saying things like “I need to learned how to shut up, I better be glad that he married me, and that I need to listen to him cause I’m his wife and he don’t need to listen to me because he’s the husband, I’m always lying.” I couldn’t take the arguing going back and forth so I just hung up and ignored his calls. While he’s calling my phone, he’s also sending these messages. An hour later a police is outside my house doing a welfare check and the police officer says that my husband has been trying to get in contact and haven’t heard from me all day and wanted to see if our son was ok. I told the officer that we were just on the phone arguing and he’s currently messaging. And the officer said he didn’t know that.

And later in the he called apologizing about what he said and that it gotten heated. And texted me this morning saying he’s sorry about our conversation gotten out of hand and that it makes him sad and that he loves me. I just need some advice, maybe I was in the wrong? Any advice is appreciated.

I just read all those messages and I'm absolutely shocked. You have a serious problem with this man.
He in no way respects you.
Are you not living together because you're separating?

Keep all the text messages. You may need them. Whether you have technically separated or not, I suggest you do it properly and get rid. This man has no respect for you and is abusive.

I didn't read the text messages but any man that said I had to shut up because I'm his wife and he can say what he wants because he's my husband would quickly become my ex husband. Do yourself a huge favour and divorce this man

Did you show the police these messages when they came?
Please keep all messages and write a summary of any phone calls, but try and keep them to a minimum, it is helpful to have anything someone that vile says in writing.

Where are you from OP? Hopefully someone will be able to advise you on ways to manage contact for your DC. (For example a friend of mine got in touch with a contact centre to arrange for her child to be able to see his dad. He never bothered doing the paperwork so still hasn't seen the child, but at least he can't say she's not letting him now!)

Also, it looks like you may have missed blanking out the name where one of the messages is repeated, so you may want to remove that if you can (I know you can edit posts but not sure about images).

@CryptoFascist yes currently were separated i moved out cause i couldnt take the constant arguing and back and forth. we decided to live apart to work on our marriage. Whenever we get into arguments, he says/or message stuff like this.

@AuntMarch no i didnt show the office the messages, but i felt like i should of but he said he didnt want to get in the middle of it. He just wanted to make sure if we was ok because my husband "hasnt heard from us all day".

@AuntMarch i am from florida

He sounds deranged. Angry and deranged. I'd be starting divorce proceedings asap.

So he’s another ”Florida man.”

Get yourself and your child away from him.
Do you have family? Friends?
He isn’t gonna get better, you know.
There should be a free county law services if if you need free legal advice. Google “free legal help in Miami” (or wherever you are).
I’m thinking about you, @ari568- I’m in California.

Oh tell him to fuck off! He’s going to phone the police and they’ll put you in jail? How old is he 🤣

What a childish moron! He’s a manipulative gaslighter but a shit one at that if he thinks you will believe the police will put you in jail just because he is claiming you disrespected him! Mwahahaha

Whatever you do, stay separated and get a divorce.

Your H is extremely mentally unstable.

Leopards don’t change their spots.

Good luck you will be ok 💐

I'm so confused, this is our conversation today.

I think you're wasting your energy arguing with him about who disrespected whom. You're being perfectly logical but he's not. He just wants to argue about the way you argue. Then he can get you all wound up and maybe raise your voice or hang up on him and then he feels justified in really throwing a fit.

Question - are either of you black, or is he one of those guys who thinks it sounds macho to use the n-word? If he's white, that's a massive yikes.

Op in your update on those new messages he is doing what’s called ‘hoovering’ which is a manipulative tactic to rein you back in! Please go on google and research ‘narcissistic abuse’ and ‘love bombing’ and ‘narcissistic hoovering’ it will explain everything about what you’re going through. This man is a nutcase, he does not love you, he is extremely manipulative and unhinged! Please do yourself a favour, research the above and leave!

edit: oh and research ‘gaslighting’ too and this will explain why he’s telling you “both of you were wrong”! Again he’s trying to make you believe you were in the wrong for something you haven’t done!

I don't know why you are confused. The man sounds like a lunatic and I would not engage with him any more than you need to about your child. Please don't tell me you want to get back with him!

I'm going to be an opposing party here because I can see two sides.

Although I do not think his reactions are completely acceptable (not knowing the whole story), there seem to be antagonistic factors that you are not showing us.

I know for a fact, that if someone, anyone, tried to withhold me seeing my children or attempted to control me seeing my children WITHOUT a good reason or cause for concern, I too, would be a lunatic and lose my shit. Women seem to use children as a means of control, too, and it's disgraceful. (Not accusing you, just an unpopular opinion)

I also know that if I was fighting for a marriage to work and opposing party was nil interested, I would feel frustrated and unwanted.

Obviously, I am not condoning the controlling/degrading elements of the messages he has sent. That's not okay, but it's evident you're not innocent here.

I'm just saying.

I get where you're going with this, but reading between the lines:

• He feels he can dictate to her as husband and father - he's in charge and his word is law
• He's very focused on all his 'rights'
• He's saying things like: "“I need to learned how to shut up, I better be glad that he married me, and that I need to listen to him cause I’m his wife and he don’t need to listen to me because he’s the husband, I’m always lying."
• Then when she refuses to listen and do what he says, he weaponises the police to try and force her to. He wasn't concerned about her 'welfare' - he was furious at being ignored.
• Now he's gone nuclear, he's now trying the 'good cop' routine to hoover her back in so the cycle can continue.

If he's always starting from a position of dictatorship, and her personality type is to push back rather than roll over, then of course it's going to escalate like this. People say you should stand up to bullies, so if he's constantly telling her 'I'm your husband, you should do what I say' I wouldn't be surprised if she's tried to fight fire with fire by being, what you call, 'antagonistic'. Her options are limited when he's being so pig headed.

I understand. The whole police situation is nonsense. However, a scaring tactic to try and get a response. A clear element of trying to control a situation that he had no control over, but again, it's all based around his child, and then she ignores the calls. It's antagonistic, another form of emotional abuse.

We are seeing a very limited (albeit enough) amount of conversation. Regardless of relationship, without good reason, no-one should toy with fathers seeing their children and his 'did you not think of telling me' comment, along with his strong views around visitation with his child, allows me to think that she may do that..

Fighting fire with fire where children are concerned is petty. It should come from a place of maturity. Kids don't need to see this kind of shit between parents.

He's clearly reactive, especially when it's concerning his child.

I don't know. There's clearly more to it that OP hasn't shared. Seems as though they're as bad as each other.

Rubbish! Anyone who has ever been in am abusive relationship knows that what he is doing is text book abuse. Please research it if you don’t believe me! There are ways and means to go about getting access to your child through mediation and court! What this lunatic is doing to op is just proving how unhinged he really is and giving her a valid reason to withhold him having contact from their child even more! Anyone who has been through narcissistic abuse can see what he’s up to! He’s a gaslighting, manipulative moron!

As far if a marriage is worth fighting for - well he may think so but everyone on here can see what scum he is. The relationship will only get worse if she stays in the relationship, he will regain control and the abuse will get worse. As you can see from the op’s update he is using a tactic called ‘hoovering’ which is what they all do after they’ve caused so much shit and then blamed the other person for it.

I've been in an abusive relationship. It would be ignorant of you to presume otherwise based on an impartial response to the OPs post.

It is foolish to take only one side of a VERY unclear story and bombard with Occams Razor responses, because ofcourse its easy to do that when you only see one side of a sob story (OP I'm not implying you're lying). Women can be abusive, too.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I'm allowed it. It would be foolish of you to get upset over it.

Everything that is wrong with the world is literally written in posts on these websites, and then when an opposing party comes along, it's utter rubbish 😆

I'm educated, a health professional infact, I didn't need you to attempt to belittle me with a poor educated response in order to get your point across.

Have a good day, and good luck OP with whatever you choose to do!

Are you scared of him?

I would end this marriage.

My advice?

Run. Do not stay with this abusive, disrespectful, nasty person. No good will come of it and the messages he is sending you illustrates a a deep-rooted anger and entitlement that will NEVER go away. That’s who he is.

When you say “working on your marriage” I guarantee you will the only one doing any work. He thinks you need to change, that you are the problem, when it’s actually him.

If I were you I would be beginning to arrange my affairs so that a divorce can be the next step. You deserve love, respect, kindness… not this.

Good luck to you!

I'm not sore how many times you need to hear this OP, you need to leave this man!

Fucking hell. These messages are horribly abusive and quite scary. You need to get yourself a lawyer.

I'm scared of him just from reading those messages!

Good luck OP. You need to get out asap.