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Original poster

Replies to text messages, out of the dating game a while!!

29 replies

Peaceofmind89 · 31/10/2023 20:51

I have been out of the dating game a while, 4yrs to be exact, last relationship was abusive and also had a v.young dd who is now 5 so finally got back into dating

I was/am taking to a guy, everything with great at first, just getting along, no talk of sex though there was a clear attraction. Had a date which went well, said he wanted to see me again. And now, he doesn’t reply to my messages for well over a day.. I can see he has been on WhatsApp as he has looked at a status I put up. But I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable about this.. of course I wouldn’t expect him to reply quickly, we all have work etc but a full day and to be online too!! Someone please tell me I’m not crazy, I’ve not dated in about a decade but this just seems rude to me

OP posts:
IAmtheVampiresWife · 31/10/2023 20:53

Well over a day? Come on now...the guy may be busy with life. How many have you sent?

Hanitiser · 31/10/2023 20:53

Nah, bin him off. It is rude.

Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 31/10/2023 21:11

@IAmtheVampiresWife only sent a reply. Not about to chase anyone. And yes as am I busy, yet I can find a minute to send a reply while working and looking after a child with additional needs. Not saying he isn’t busy, but if you got time to be looking at my status a quick ‘hi, busy, catch up later’

OP posts:
IAmtheVampiresWife · 01/11/2023 02:44

Oh you said messages ..

Aprilx · 01/11/2023 06:38

I have been out of the dating game a long time too and after one date, I wouldn’t expect daily contact. I take days to answer most text messages too. I thought this instant contact was a more modern thing if anything.

Namechange666 · 01/11/2023 08:22

I think if he has has time to look at your WhatsApp status then he has time to reply.

If I don't want to reply to someone then I certainly wouldn't look at their statuses.

I think early on in dating, you should definitely make an effort because if they cba then they never will!

It sounds like his kind of comm doesn't work for you and it wouldn't me either. I don't need to talk to someone every day but regular communication is a must for a budding romance I think.

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 08:27

Personally I’d say if he’s not replying gif a day then he’s not that interested and as he’s online he’s probably chatting to others as well.

VioletCharlotte · 01/11/2023 08:32

In the past, I would have said that a day is a long time, people have busy lives, etc. But I've recently met someone new and we return each others texts in seconds (normally overlapping!) If we're busy/phone about to run out of battery/ lose signal, etc, we let the other one know.

So what I'm saying is, if someone is really into you, they won't leave it a day to text back because they'll be desperate to talk to you.

Watchkeys · 01/11/2023 08:39

Some people like to receive responses immediately. Some like to receive them within 24 hours. Some people are happy waiting a day or two. Or three.

Basing relationships on what 'should' happen, rather than on how you feel about what does happen, is how to risk more abusive relationships.

The only 'should' is this: you shouldn't have a relationship with someone who does things that make you feel bad. Tell them, once, that you don't like it, and then, if they don't respect your feelings enough to make a change, leave. It's that simple. It's not about who is right, or who is reasonable. It's about you picking a partner according to your preferences, rather than according to a set of rules that don't actually exist.

He is allowed to message you as little or as much as he wants. You are allowed to not like it.

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 08:52

Aprilx · 01/11/2023 06:38

I have been out of the dating game a long time too and after one date, I wouldn’t expect daily contact. I take days to answer most text messages too. I thought this instant contact was a more modern thing if anything.

Agree; it's been one date, you aren't in a relationship. (Even IN a relationship, constant contact and need for attention/reassurance is annoying.)

Don't jump in to some intense thing. There's pleasure in anticipation and taking it slow.

Watchkeys · 01/11/2023 09:04

Don't jump in to some intense thing. There's pleasure in anticipation and taking it slow

You can't tell people where there is pleasure. Some relationships start intensely, and that's often fine. There are no rules. My partner and I were texting several times a day before we'd ever met, getting to know each other on the page. It was what both of us wanted, and it made us both happy. We are a happy couple, years later.

OP, do what you want, and find a partner who does things in a way that make you happy. Don't follow other's instructions about what you 'should' do, or what's right or wrong. Why would you assume that other people know better than you about what feels right for you? Try to see your choices like food choices. You're saying 'I don't like broccoli, it tastes bitter' and others are saying whether you are right or wrong to say that. People are advising you to like it or not like it. People are telling you that it's good for you. People are saying 'Yeah, it's horrible!', but nobody's opinion makes any difference to whether you should put broccoli on your plate, do they? And you're not trying to judge whether you're being reasonable, or whether broccoli has done anything 'wrong': you just don't like it. We do this with everything. What to eat, what to wear, what to buy, what to do with our time, everything. But when it comes to relationships, because we're not taught to pick according to preference (usually demonstrated to us by parents who seemingly didn't pick according to preference, so we watch them stay in unhappy relationships, or parents who did, so we never get to see anyone walk away from unhappiness) we think that our feelings might be 'wrong'. They never are. 'Happy' is a feeling. Spend time with people you feel that with, and ditch the rest. We only have so much time.

Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 01/11/2023 09:11

@Watchkeys I think you’ve just summed this up perfectly, thank you. Need to think of it more as is this something that I want.

To everyone else saying I’ve been intense, I don’t expect a response back in minutes/hours nor do I need constant contact or attention (note I’ve only sent one message to him in reply to his previous message). I’m fully aware life happens, as I’ve said I work, got a dd with ASD.. for me it’s more the fact that he had time to look at my status but couldn’t be bothered to just message to say he was busy. Simply put if he hadn’t looked at my status and still not replied I’d be assuming he was busy, it’s the fact he has and still nothing.

Needless to say I’ll be taking @Watchkeys advice on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 01/11/2023 09:15

@Watchkeys are you a relationship counsellor? If you’re not I think you need a career change!!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/11/2023 09:20

Some people are intense, and find partner who suits them. I'm one. We're still intense now, as a couple, and sometimes have to stop ourselves from delving deeply into our feelings because we're both very full on and analytical, but we have our life to lead and can't spend all our time assessing everything!

MN is terrible for people telling others what they 'should' do, because it's what they themselves would do. You make the rules for you. You decide what's good for you, what you like, how you want your relationship to be, what you're going to do, what you should expect, etc.

I'm glad it makes sense to you. It took me years to get my head around the fact that I'm the boss of my life, and I don't have to change, or ignore my feelings. Also, that I'm not meant to change anyone else, or expect anything; just step back from people who do things in a way I don't like/wouldn't expect.

This is about YOU. Not anybody else.

Watchkeys · 01/11/2023 09:22

I'm not a relationship counsellor, but I had an excellent counsellor myself a few years back, after years of shit relationships. I wondered what was wrong with me. Then I realised that in all the relationships, the only thing wrong with me was my partner!

If I've got the message across to you in a few messages, I'm really happy. It took loads of time and money for me to grasp it. I might be a bit slower than you :)

4naansjeremy · 01/11/2023 09:26

I’ve been married for 15 years so my experience is very out of date so please take it with a pinch of salt.

Im wondering if during the time he was texting regularly prior to meeting was there another woman he has met on a date previously wondering why the text messages to her had now slowed down and he didn’t seem as keen.

If I was looking for a relationship and someone I met had ticked my boxes then I would be in communication more than once every 24 hours.

My suspicion is he likes you as an option but not as a potential partner. He is possibly focusing more on lining up the next date.

If you think it’s worth more time to see where it goes then great but I would also be lining up the next date yourself at the same time.

If you can’t beat them then join them.

Pezdeoro41 · 01/11/2023 09:29

I agree with Watchkey’s excellent advice, however I would say if this has just happened once (I’m unclear from your post) then I wouldn’t bin him off straight away personally, I would see if it becomes a pattern. Also to me it would depend what times of day - ie if you messaged at 9.30 am when he was at work and he messaged back when he got off, that would seem to me to be fine. It’s much easier to briefly glance at a status than compose a message, perhaps he wanted to reply properly and not just say he’s busy (I personally would feel a bit rude messaging that, almost like saying leave me alone right now!). So yes I think Watchkey is right, however I personally wouldn’t judge what he is like in relationships/with messaging off this one time, if it is indeed one time.

Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 01/11/2023 09:33

@Watchkeys I think I can grasp it quickly because I did do some counselling after my last relationship and it’s something that I say to others. But for some reason forgot to apply it to myself, perhaps because initially things were going well even after the date we were talking a lot.

Which I need to be mindful of, my ex was such a good partner initially (for me) then 18/24 months down the line started getting controlling, fast forward another 18 months and well just a completely different person. So basically their actions at the beginning do not justify sticking it out if there is something I’m unhappy with. Though obviously communicating how I feel before just giving up (with situations like this, not abuse obviously).

OP posts:
Coffeeandanap · 01/11/2023 09:43

You said you replied to a message he sent, did your message contain something that he could reply to? If he’s checking your status that suggests he’s interested but if your message was quite dry he might be struggling to keep the conversation going?

Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 01/11/2023 09:45

@Pezdeoro41 no it was in the evening and even now still nothing.

And I would say this is the first time, he has been quiet during the day but you know work, seeing friends etc but has always text at the beginning or end to the day.

Because it’s the first time and depending on how long he leaves it I’ll just let him know how it made me feel and if he decides to do it again then I’ll leave it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceofmind89 · 01/11/2023 09:49

@Coffeeandanap yes i did

OP posts:
B1rd · 01/11/2023 13:51

When I'm dating, I'd like someone to be excited about having met me and looking forward to seeing me again. I had a very similar experience recently and I ended it after four dates, because in my opinion, he wasn't making the effort. It takes seconds to send a text. Like you, I appreciate that people are busy and I am not waiting every second for a reply. But I also work on the principle to Watchkeys, that I wasn't happy with his level of communication, so I ended it. I need that communication. Unsurprisingly, he didn't chase me when I ended it, so that confirmed my thoughts.

Aubree17 · 01/11/2023 20:24

I'd cut him loose. He doesn't seem keen.

yellowflowerss · 01/11/2023 20:56

In my opinion he doesn't seem interested especially if he has the time to check your WhatsApp status. When you first started chatting how often were the replies then?

alwaysmovingforwards · 01/11/2023 21:02

Watchkeys · 01/11/2023 08:39

Some people like to receive responses immediately. Some like to receive them within 24 hours. Some people are happy waiting a day or two. Or three.

Basing relationships on what 'should' happen, rather than on how you feel about what does happen, is how to risk more abusive relationships.

The only 'should' is this: you shouldn't have a relationship with someone who does things that make you feel bad. Tell them, once, that you don't like it, and then, if they don't respect your feelings enough to make a change, leave. It's that simple. It's not about who is right, or who is reasonable. It's about you picking a partner according to your preferences, rather than according to a set of rules that don't actually exist.

He is allowed to message you as little or as much as he wants. You are allowed to not like it.

Couldn't agree more.
I'll respond to messages when it's convenient for me thanks.
And also extend that courtesy to others.

Basing the quality of a person on their timeliness to respond to your messages?? It couldn't get anymore 'just 17' 😂😂