I have a huge crush on a much older male friend - help!

[honeybun11]

Hello lovely mumsnetters
I'm a 52 year old soon-to-be divorcee, separated from my husband for four years, with 3 grown-up kids. The last has just gone to uni and I now live on my own. I've had various flings with men since my separation but nothing remotely serious.
Over the summer I was very unwell with a mental health crisis and I reached out to an old friend, T, for support. He looked after me, made me tea and cake, and held me in his arms when I was super-anxious and unwell.
T and I have known each other for almost 30 years - he was originally my supervisor in the professional job which I still do, although he is now retired aged 72.
I have had sexual feelings on and off for T for a long time now, probably it started when he was my supervisor all those years ago (he was then married, since widowed).
Since recovering from my illness I've continued to go round to T's house for dinner and we have continued to cuddle and hold hands as we did when I was unwell.
OK here come the big problems

1. T has a super-serious girlfriend, they have bought a house together overseas which they are doing up and will then live in together
2. Last time I went round we were hugging on the sofa as usual and this massive sexual energy arose (at least it did for me LOL). Nothing 'happened' in the sense that there was no touching in inappropriate places, no kissing on the mouth, no clothes were taken off, but it was super-hot (to both of us, I think).

After that evening T dropped me home and I then went on holiday and from there basically wrote him a love letter, thanking him for caring for me when I was ill and saying how much he meant to me (though not specifically saying I had feelings for him, and not saying anything sexual). I'm now back from holiday and he has said 'thank you for your lovely message' but basically it's pretty clear to me that he isn't interested in taking it further and in his most recent text he has said how much he values spending time abroad with his GF. I'm heartbroken. I know my feelings for him are really a crush and I always knew this wasn't going anywhere serious, but on top of that now I feel I probably have to take some distance from him and so I'm losing one of my best friends as well. My question really is, should I tell him that I need some space and if so should I explain why? Or do I just go quiet for a while? He has texted 3 times in the last 24 hours and I haven't replied at all. Ouch, this hurts like f*ck Thanks everyone Honeybun XXXXX

Really no don’t tell him, it’s so cringe. A text doesn’t demand a response, you can respond with god sorry snowed today and quick answer to whatever he is asking and then don’t respond again till tomorrow.

Yes, as above. Do reply to his message but the take a step back until your feelings have died down because you don't want to lose the friendship that you both have

Also, don't go completely quiet on him, just cut down on the amount of communication for now is my advice, and also not to mention romantic feelings again

Rea

Sorry, I meant to say that

These types of true friendships can be so rare, so please don't let cyclical romantic fancies make you throw it away

Don't ruin what you have. He sounds like a really special friend. Don't voice your feelings, just enjoy what you already have.

He already knows your feelings and has let you know that he isn't interested. He wants to continue the friendship with boundaries which is why he continues to text. I agreenits cringe to say you need space and it's unnecessary to ignore him. It's all so childish
. if this is a long running crush then there wasn't friendship from your side you always harbored those feelings hoping something will come out of them.
If I were you I'd reply to him but distance myself while working on my mental health. When you are ready to date, find a single man. The whole dynamics here are unhealthy, it's like you want to be baby'd and looked after with the huge age gap and unbalanced professional dynamics and him being unavailable due to his gf. Work on your attachment issues.and self esteem.

If he’s cuddling up with other women, alone in his or their home, how can he have something super serious with his girlfriend?

I don’t get it.

I don't like the sound of this man's behaviour tbh. If he has a 'super serious girlfriend' his relationship with you is inappropriate and wrong. He shouldn't be 'cuddling up with you' on the sofa. There are other ways to support someone going through a mental health crisis. It sounds as if he knows he's taken it too far and is now trying to keep you at arm's length, although doesn't want to reject you completely because he gets a kick out of your relationship. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

I don't think he's showing respect to you or his girlfriend and I think you need to remove yourself from this situation.

Maybe he thinks he is old enough to be her dad when he hugs her. Some MNers believe in purely platonic friendships.
Because if he wanted more he wouldn't have rebuffed her after she sent that gushy letters.

OP, this man is taken. You don't seem to be bothered about this or aware that how you have already been acting together is already crossing boundaries. The decent thing to do is back off.

OP I would back off and get out there... sounds to me as though the crush is telling you you are ready to start dating.

I think you both are behaving badly.

He should tell his girlfriend he spends time texting and hugging you.

Why don't you tell her, maybe she won't want him then.

He is clearly not interested romantically in the op . And he’s been comforting her. The man is in his seventies for goodness sake. If he was making a move I’d get your post, but he’s not, he’s doing the opposite,

the ages here cannot be ignored. This is an elderly man who is not remotely interested in the op in that way and has made it clear. She’s rhe one chasing him, even though she knows he’s taken.

Be aware also OP that this guy is a prime target for something called 'transference'. An older figure who has been nurturing you, helping you heal and grow...... it's very easy to crave this kind of caring, because it's what we all wanted from our parents... and as an adult, that craving can feel very sexual. This is why doctors and therapists are forbidden against pursuing sexual relationships with their patients, because patients' transference reactions can make them very vulnerable with a tendency to fall in love/ sexualizing the caring role.

He seems to be sending a lot of mixed messages. You don't cuddle up with someone else if you have a serious GF. I'd steer clear.

MY take on this is he's preying on your vulnerability and triangulating you with his GF. Creepy predator

Amazed that some think cuddling up with someone as well as spending quality time together on the regular alone in their home isn’t a boyfriend girlfriend thing to do lol. No wonder OP is “confused”. For those speaking as though this guy is her counsellor….he is NOT. A counsellor would get disciplined for cuddling with their client, and there’s nothing to indicate he’s a counsellor even if she is sharing her problems with him. I had an ex who fancied himself a bit of a counsellor. He even used the word “counselling” to evade the topic of getting to intimately close with other women “oh she’s going through a hard time, I just counsel her, she doesn’t really have anyone else”, with countless women. Anyone would think he didn’t understand that women share intimate details with men they are interested in, and some women think sharing all their woes and how they’ve been a victim will make a man fall in love with them for some reason. Most men don’t think that way, they think with something else. My ex knew what he was doing and had women throw themselves at him left right and centre, and then acted like it was all a big shock. He lacked empathy big time in the relationship, so I’m not sure who he was trying to kid, lol. What you have is not a professional relationship, and it’s not a platonic one either. Like someone above said, you are crossing lines and disrespecting his girlfriend big time. I’d dump a man who was investing in another woman and cuddling up with her in that way.

I agree he’s is triangulating and that his behaviour is predatory!

I've continued to go round to T's house for dinner and we have continued to cuddle and hold hands
Does this seem appropriate when he has a GF? step back, plus he's 72 to your 50!

If he was predatory he’d be making a move, not making it clear this is purely platonic and he’s committed to his partner.

remember the op has had a crush on this man for a long time, and he’s simply continued to behave as he did when she was very mentally unwell. Possibly as he thinks she still is.

im not sure it’s fair to say he’s the one who is the predator. When it is the op trying to get with him and has been for a long time, and he’s the one saying no.

He doesn’t sound very nice in my opinion. If I found out my long term boyfriend was cuddling another woman I’m not sure I’d be very impressed. He possibly enjoys knowing the OP has a crush on him and revels in the power he has over her.

Also 72 is not elderly, not these days, not for many people.

Thanks to those who have responded so thoughtfully to this.
And to those who think it's appropriate to describe me as 'childish', 'gushing', 'cringe' or 'a predator', have a long hard look at yourselves. As the Germans say, when you point a finge at a person with an insult, three fingers are pointing back at you.
For those who do actually care, yeah 72 is not "elderly" - this is an active person who travels the world and has a range of friends and interests and still works as a partner in a professional firm.
And yes of course I've been vulnerable through my illness and the power imbalance that was the original foundation of our relationship. At the same time I'm an adult and had my eyes open.
FWIW I personally wouldn't blame a single person (at least not primarily that person) if an attached person (especially as here an unmarried person with no dependents) chose to start a sexual relationship. That's up to the attached person and the negotiation they have with their partner (eg, are they ENM?)
I'm a relationship anarchist (google it) so I don't assume any particular morality attaches to non-monogamy or polyamory.
Anyway, update: I spoke to him this morning and we agreed to remain friends but no more than that. I think, and said to him, having it out in the open will kill the vibe/excitement anyway (sorry to those who think this is childish! I wasn't looking for marriage). So all is resolved and the morality police can stand down ;)
Thanks again for the thoughtful comments especially re: transference. I am actually just starting work with an attachment therapist.
Have a good day.

*finger! obvs.