I have a huge crush on a much older male friend - help!

[honeybun11]

Hello lovely mumsnetters
I'm a 52 year old soon-to-be divorcee, separated from my husband for four years, with 3 grown-up kids. The last has just gone to uni and I now live on my own. I've had various flings with men since my separation but nothing remotely serious.
Over the summer I was very unwell with a mental health crisis and I reached out to an old friend, T, for support. He looked after me, made me tea and cake, and held me in his arms when I was super-anxious and unwell.
T and I have known each other for almost 30 years - he was originally my supervisor in the professional job which I still do, although he is now retired aged 72.
I have had sexual feelings on and off for T for a long time now, probably it started when he was my supervisor all those years ago (he was then married, since widowed).
Since recovering from my illness I've continued to go round to T's house for dinner and we have continued to cuddle and hold hands as we did when I was unwell.
OK here come the big problems

1. T has a super-serious girlfriend, they have bought a house together overseas which they are doing up and will then live in together
2. Last time I went round we were hugging on the sofa as usual and this massive sexual energy arose (at least it did for me LOL). Nothing 'happened' in the sense that there was no touching in inappropriate places, no kissing on the mouth, no clothes were taken off, but it was super-hot (to both of us, I think).

After that evening T dropped me home and I then went on holiday and from there basically wrote him a love letter, thanking him for caring for me when I was ill and saying how much he meant to me (though not specifically saying I had feelings for him, and not saying anything sexual). I'm now back from holiday and he has said 'thank you for your lovely message' but basically it's pretty clear to me that he isn't interested in taking it further and in his most recent text he has said how much he values spending time abroad with his GF. I'm heartbroken. I know my feelings for him are really a crush and I always knew this wasn't going anywhere serious, but on top of that now I feel I probably have to take some distance from him and so I'm losing one of my best friends as well. My question really is, should I tell him that I need some space and if so should I explain why? Or do I just go quiet for a while? He has texted 3 times in the last 24 hours and I haven't replied at all. Ouch, this hurts like f*ck Thanks everyone Honeybun XXXXX

Relationship anarchist- lacks boundaries and proper respect for someone else’s relationship. This explains a lot.

would you genuinely be ok with your romantic partner having dinner dates and sofa cuddle sessions with other women? I’d say the very vast majority wouldn’t. You may have your view in relationships, but his girlfriend will have hers also. Have you actually asked him this, something like “how would your girlfriend feel about our dinner dates and cuddle sessions”

To be honest you sound like a pretty self obsessed individual, and don’t seem to respect other people’s relationships. Even to approach someone who is in a relationship and suck up their emotional energy and then put it on a plate for them is desperate behaviour.

why don’t you find someone single?

I think this guy has led you on in terms of the closeness and affection, but as others have said, it could be that he thinks you are mentally ill and is worried about what full on rejection might do to you. However he’s made it clear he doesn’t see you as girlfriend material and isn’t attracted to you in that way.

I suggest you move on and stop snuggling up with someone else’s man.

relationship anarchist
basically no boundaries or respect for anyone's relationships. That's a good one to excuse your behaviour

A ra is based on principles that all parties impacted agree op. No one agreed, not him or his partner. So I think maybe you’re confused on that score.

OP - did you really have no other friends to turn to in your mental health crisis? Only a man you had sexual feelings for / a crush on?

Really?

I think you - and he - have both behaved inappropriately here.

You - because you know for a fact if you were actually in a proper relationship with this man, you would not be in the least bit happy with another women doing with him what you’ve done (in other words, ‘relationship anarchy’ is only OK for you, not anyone else)…

And him - because he’s loving the ego boost that comes with being a knight in shining armour to you, your clear attraction to him, while having his partner who he actually wants to be with, waiting in the wings.

If you have been unwell with a mental health crisis, professional help would be your first best step. And it definitely will not involve cuddles and holding on the sofa, since any actually professional knows exactly how risky, inappropriate, and downright unhelpful that actually is.

All the best in getting well.

Being a relationship anarchist is a convenient excuse for setting your cap at someone else's boyfriend. Have a bit more respect for yourself and for them as a couple. Stop cuddling on the sofa and holding hands. Find a boyfriend of your own.

I'd never cuddle and hold hands with any friend never mind one of the opposite sex (who has a partner). It's crossing the line and needs to stop op

You're the architect of your own heartache here, OP.

Please listen to the common sense responses on here and cut contact with this man OP.

I’d be devestated if I found out my boyfriend was having this kind of intimacy with another woman. I really wouldn’t care that you haven’t kissed or had sex, the emotional and physical closeness you have, to me would be cheating. I don’t think I’d ever want him to cuddle me again! As someone else has said, your views on relationships are unlikely to be his girlfriend’s views on a relationship. You see nothing wrong in what you are doing, and seem to just want advice on how to make this man your boyfriend.

Would you really? I wouldn’t. A Mentally unwell person he’d no romantic interest in? I would feel maybe he was a bit of a sap , being taken advantage of (which he’s now recognised), but be impressed with his kindness.i just can’t imagine feeling as you would.

Isn't it a basic instinct to give a friend a hug/cuddle and/or a hand hold when then are feeling down?

Without it making you a sleaze or a cheat?

@TurnerP
Cuddled up together, holding hands, despite the pps saying oh that's fine, there's very few would like it, doubt her crushes GF would be happy.

As PP’s have said, text back in a friendly way and say that you’re super-busy, then back off.

He’s supported you during your MH crisis, but he’s not the partner for you, he’s in a relationship and is apparently happy.

People here have skewed boundaries. It’s cuddles, not hugs and there is a difference. A brief hug is not the same as regular cuddle sessions and hand holding, which signify an emotional affair that is becoming physical. Some of you ladies would be fine with your boyfriend or husband having this with another woman, so there is hope for my ex who didn’t seem to have any boundaries with other women “as long as he didn’t physically do anything sexual”. I’m glad for him, and hope he find himself a woman without boundaries also, as clearly they are out there.

I'm glad you have managed to resolve your problem OP and that both of you know where you stand. He sounds a kind, supportive friend and its good that you've now established what your relationship with each other actually is. When l read your post l also wondered about transference, as so clearly explained by @financialcareerstuff
I'm glad you have chosen to have therapy to explore your attachment style and do hope this helps you moving forward. All the best to you.

Sorry my mistake I skimmed over this part which is off course wrong:

"Since recovering from my illness I've continued to go round to T's house for dinner and we have continued to cuddle and hold hands as we did when I was unwell."

Yes reestablish spatial boundaries when you do see next see him after a brief break

It sounds like he really loves his girlfriend and has been a good friend to you.

Try to cut back on the hand holding and cuddles because it's confusing you.

Wow
Your morality is pretty clear
If you think this way then maybe you should speak to people's girlfriends if you can hangout with their partners.
You are the type of person I would tell men to be careful about. Wrecking relationships when fully knowing the other person is in a commited relationship because YOU fancy them

What has happened to the world