I am not ok...

[pearshapedmim]

After my marriage breakdown from my abusive ex husband.

Anxiety is through the roof. Has anyone experienced this? How long for?

He has just spent the last few weeks putting me through hell. He has narcissistic traits and has not been able to deal with the fact that I don't want him anymore. I've had every trick thrown at me. Threatening suicide, convinced I have someone else, love bombing, using ds to see me, telling me he's messaging other woman, promising me he will leave me alone and then leaving me dozens of messages and missed calls....you name it, he's done it.

I've called the police and he is blocked on everything. He can only contact me through an email address that I have to log into to check.

My whole body has been on high alert for weeks. Preparing myself for what that particular day was going to bring. It's done now. We've been separated a while but as I say, he couldn't accept it. Now it's done.

I just feel absolutely terrible. So poorly and on edge. Kids are on half term and I can barely function.

I didn't want to go on tablets. I know what the problem is and that's him. My mental health I feel is ok - apart from the anxiety. My head is clear. I'm not heartbroken and crying that my marriage is over. I've done that part.

I don't wish any bad on him either - I think that's healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs for everyone's sake.

How do I shake the anxiety? Will it calm down eventually?

Here are some suggestions. Do the freedom programme. Ask your GP to refer you to community mental health. They can provide cognitive behavioural therapy in person or by phone. Try free online anxiety management courses, on google. Stick to evidence based therapies offered by experts. Try meditation as that works on my anxiety levels. Next time your ex contacts you, put it in writing that you wish for him to stop all communication and that you will file a complaint with the police for harassment if he fails to comply. When he fails to comply, report him and do that over and over again. Remember that no one should impose themselves and their will on another in this way. Get in touch with Women's aid for support and legal advice. Best of luck.

I am currently doing the freedom programme and it's amazing! I'm doing to in a group with such lovely women. It's honestly the best thing I could have done.

I've also followed the advice with the telling him not to contact me. I know all that and have put it in place. I've been firm and clear and I know what to do if he doesn't abide by what I've asked. I've also spoken to woman's aid and will probably speak to my domestic abuse worker again this week.

It's just how ill it's making me feel now that I'm finally out. I'm so relieved - not at all heartbroken. I don't think anyway.

I just want to get my motivation back. Get my house clean and feel organised. That in itself would help so much but I just feel it's all pointless!

That sounds incredibly tough. The strain on you must be tremendous. Did the children see their dad?

Honestly? Take the pills if the doctor recommends them. Get you on a more even keel. You don't have to stay on them but they might help you get over this period of intense anxiety.
I speak from experience. x

I think this is one of those times when reminding yourself 'This will pass' a lot will help. It will get easier, he will realise he's lost his power over you and lose interest. I hope things improve soon.

You’ve done the hardest bit getting rid of him and seeing through all his tactics. Well done! You’re very strong. The anxiety is a normal response, I advise to take all help available to address it. It will calm & settle, quicker with the help. Look after yourself

He's barely seen ds for a good few weeks. The last week or so he saw ds slightly more but it became apparent that he couldn't collect him or drop him off at my home as it was difficult to get him to leave. An incident happened and I had to call the police. He is now no longer allowed at my home and we will meet at a supermarket car park for collection and drop off. That's only if he asks to see ds. I won't be pushing for contact at all.

Ds didn't witness the incident and he seems ok. The guilt is also I huge part of this too! I'm really trying my best to keep everything going. We have some lovely plans for the rest of the week now (including getting a kitten!) so I'm hoping that helps. We've not left the house today as I was having a new kitchen door fitted so we had to wait in but it's been just the worst day ever!

It's absolutely a natural reaction to the trauma you've been through OP. You've held it together brilliantly and found the strength to do what was needed even when it was so awful.
Now you're able to let go a little and all that suppressed fear and anxiety is gushing out.
It will get better. Honestly. This is so normal.
Take the pills if the Dr recommends it. Tell your Freedom Program group how you feel. Journal about your feelings (I was always very sceptical about journalling but it turns out to be helpful).
You'll be amazed how much stronger you feel in a few months.
The way you feel right now, while absolutely dreadful, is temporary. It doesn't matter that you know the divorce is the right decision, it's still a big shock to your system.

Thank you. I'm going to have to speak to the gp in the morning. I was determined not to go on tablets because of the damage he has done. But even the physical symptoms are full force.

Thank fully I'm not losing any sleep now - I've just had weeks of sleepless nights though so that's not helped either.

I will get there, I know it will pass. Thank you!

The anxiety should gradually recede but it will take time and will go up and down.

Meditation, exercise, rest, safety, journalling, art can all help. And therapy.

@pearshapedmim, a lovely thing to do is have a 'movie night' with DS.
Put on a suitable film, make some popcorn or whatever snack you like and pull your sofa closer to the screen, snuggle under a blanket and enjoy!
It's a peaceful feeling for both of you, sets DS up for a good night's sleep (as long as it's not a scary film!) and gives both of you the excuse to be close to each other which will help you to feel good too.
I do agree with trying an anti anxiety medication too, if your GP thinks it's a sensible thing for you. Going through a separation is a big thing and can cause massive emotional turmoil.
You will get through it all.

Thank you all so much.

Journalling I am doing. I have been for the past 2 years and I'm so thankful for it! They say it takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship and my diary can definitely show that. It does help so much.

I've been having weekly therapy for a while - I just cut it down to 4 weekly which is bad timing on my part but always something I can change.

Honestly I just want to change my life. I really am trying. I understand completely why I chose the man I did. I can take accountability for it but be kind to myself. I want to build myself esteem and feel like I'm in control of my life.

What's scary again is him. I just don't know how this is going to play out. He is so impulsive and his mood swings vary from one day to the next. He sent me an email telling me to 'be happy' but that doesn't mean anything. Tomorrow he could be full of anger. The marriage is over but I just don't know if there's more shit to come my way from him.

Sending virtual hugs.

I'm 5 years on and just starting EMDR as the issues were intensifying and im now back on medication. The pills work for me, hoping that the therapy lessens the high anxiety state longterm.

I completed the freedom programme a year after the split which was the right time for me.

I don’t know the science behind it and I’m not good at putting things into words but for months/years your body and mind has had to deal with this abuse and you’ve been in survival mode.

Now that it’s done, your body and doesn’t know how to behave.

I always find that when something bad happens I can cope at the time but then afterwards is when I breakdown.

I used to have a really stressful job and was a single parent and I’d just about cope but as soon as I had a week off I would get really ill because my body was sort of letting go.

This will absolutely get better but I would still go to your GP.
It would also be nice to see a therapist which you may also get through your GP.

It makes sense that you are on edge. His unpredictability is a source of the control. I recommend looking at as many options to address anxiety as possible. Pick the one that appeals to you most and give it a fair try. If that doesn't work try the next thing. It doesnt have to be abuse related, but definitely trauma informed. Most things aimed at cPTSD are worth considering. Self compassion works for me. Friends have found emdr helpful. I'm just starting to look into polyvagal work. I'm also in therapy (self compassion based), but don't think talking therapy alone is the answer for most people.

Essentially your nervous system and neurology are reacting appropriately to your situation - but that is manifesting as anxiety. And it doesn't mean you can't look at work that targets calming your physical responses. Mindfulness. Somatic exercises. That's all I can think of for the moment, but you can ask peeps you know what works for them.

This is what makes my blood boil. You do the right thing in leaving an abuser but the fucker is still hell bent on making you live on a knife's edge.
You will get better at tuning him out. It's still very early days and you're understandably hypervigilant. With very good reason.
Practice ignoring him. It literally will need practice. You've had years of walking on eggshells.
You may have already done this, but a friend of mine made a separate email address for communication around kids then blocked exh on everything else.
He still sent reams of threats, alternating with sudden, gaslighting affection, you name it. But she would pick a time and place to check the email then close it again.
Didn't have his name popping up on her phone night and day with that gut wrenching anxiety each time that goes with "what's he done now?"

Kalms

Yes 100% agree with you. The ball is all in his court as to how this goes and he knows it. The control is still there. He could leave me alone and respect my wishes and give me a real chance of repairing my life. Or he could do the opposite. He's spent the last 2 years making my life hell so sadly it's what I'm used too. I don't see why now would be any different. He cannot stand that he is losing control over me. He can't stand the fact that I don't want him.

I have done the email address - thank you. It's not set up on my phone either so I have to log into it to check. It does help. I just have to be careful how I respond to any emails - if I need to respond to them that is.

If I reply with a firm email, that makes him angry. I'm cold and heartless...horrible...for putting boundaries up. He can't stand it. Which then makes me more scared.

If I reply being nice - well I can't! I don't want too. Plus it gives him the wrong idea.

All he wants is any sort of reaction from me. I haven't responded to his last email which he told me to just be happy. I don't need to respond to that.

But going forward I think I need to be firm but kind....ish. I've only replied to one email since I called the police. I put at the end that i hope he will be ok and I wish him all the best. I really couldn't care less. I don't wish any bad on him and I do hope he sorts himself out for the sake of ds but I know he won't. But if I can be civil then that's all I can do to hope he will leave me in peace.

Feeling ok today, gong to be busier so hoping I can keep the anxiety low but I will try get a gp appointment too

It does take time to find you again in all this. You will start to 'unlearn' patterns of behaviour. You don't need to wish him well, you don't need to respond at all unless its about logistics of children drop offs. You do not need to feel guilty about his wellbeing or how he is coping. I promise, this too shall pass. To help you further, write a list of where you see yourself in a years time. Then you can see how to get there. Massive hugs to you OP. You will be free of this.

I wonder if a contact centre would help op? Then you don't need to be the one meeting him?

Or would a trusted relative or friend be the go between for a while?

Anything to lesson your contact with him and help your anxiety.

Thank you. I know my mum would help with this. I've already decided that we meet at our local supermarket. He can't come to my house. I don't want him here. My mum also doesn't want him at her house so again, she could help me with the supermarket idea.

The thing is - he hasn't shown any reply interest in ds in 2 months. It's only if he can use ds as an excuse to see me that he actually bothers. I

He never did any real parenting. Can't do it on his own. I don't think he will have any real interest in seeing him. Until he finds someone else and moves himself into her home. Then he will be playing the Disney dad again.

We will see what happens but I can't imagine him taking me to court for contact or anything.

I’m divorcing but have moved out. My anxiety ie there all the time, but gets worse at times. I live alone which has pros and cons.

My anxiety is high this morning and I feel sick to my stomach. My ex like yours is still calling all the shots and at the slightest resistance from me gets very angry.

I am taking all the medication I am offered. I see this as a temporary phase and once I am divorced and moved away, he will be out of my life. We don’t have young children we have to be in contact with, so I feel for you.

The only thing I do is every morning when I wake up is remember how much better it is to wake up without him in the house than it was to have to live with him.

I am waiting to hear back from the Freedom Programme and italk so I’m glad to hear you are finding the Freedom programme beneficial.

My therapist also told me my ex had narcissistic traits. I’ve read up on it and narcissists have a huge void inside them that they need to fill with a supply of love, acceptance, admiration etc etc from others. We have cut off an important source of supply to our narcs, by removing ourselves. Without it they feel like the unlovable kid everyone hates. On a good day I can even feel sorry for my soon to be ex.

Anytime I have to be in touch I have to be very calm and neutral anything more enrages him. I absolutely cannot tell him what I really think or defend myself when he’s snarky or rude, because he explodes with rage. He is a damaged individual and knowing his childhood I can see why.

I tend not to open his emails unless someone is with me. I started reading a fiction book where the ex wife renamed her ex Bumface on her phone. The idea was that seeing his name on her phone was triggering her., so by replacing his name with bumface it was less anxiety making. I’m considering this, even if it is puerile.

You sound like a very strong balanced person considering what you are going through. Sometimes we all need a bit of help. A mild anti depressant may just help to take the edge off the horrible anxiety and then when things are calmer you can slowly come off it

You're doing great. So self aware and strong. You're going to thrive. I went through a similar divorce back in the Stone age but your story certainly brought back memories.
In my case, ex made all kinds of threats but never went to Court because it'd cost him money, mean he actually had to parent....and they might ask pesky questions about him not paying child support.
Keep going. One day he'll just be an unpleasant footnote in your life.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You're definitely not alone!

The freedom programme is great. I did try to do it online which is basically just reading through it all. I find that completely pointless.

But to do it with a group of women where we sit and share, cry, get angry and even laugh all together is just brilliant. It's tough but I've never felt more myself than I have going to that group. No one judges. Everyone understands.

If you have a group course close to you, I would really recommend you giving it a go. Some like myself are just coming out of the relationship but others have been out for years and years. It's those women I feel for most.

I've actually done the changing his name in my phone too! I've had all sorts of names for him -

Abusive narc
Narcissistic
He will never change
Don't even think about it
Ignore - Do not answer
🚩🚩🚩🚩
🥚🥚🥚🥚 - walking on egg shells!
Absolute wanker

Probably loads more. Just some of my faves lol. I don't feel the need to do it now. I've deleted his number to be honest so his old messages just appear as his number. I suppose that shows some growth on my part. The first thing I used to do was change his name when things went bad. It did help.

At the end of the day, you know him. You know best how to deal with him. It's just doing it without walking over your boundaries which is the hard part.

I wish you all the best xx