I am not ok...

[pearshapedmim]

After my marriage breakdown from my abusive ex husband.

Anxiety is through the roof. Has anyone experienced this? How long for?

He has just spent the last few weeks putting me through hell. He has narcissistic traits and has not been able to deal with the fact that I don't want him anymore. I've had every trick thrown at me. Threatening suicide, convinced I have someone else, love bombing, using ds to see me, telling me he's messaging other woman, promising me he will leave me alone and then leaving me dozens of messages and missed calls....you name it, he's done it.

I've called the police and he is blocked on everything. He can only contact me through an email address that I have to log into to check.

My whole body has been on high alert for weeks. Preparing myself for what that particular day was going to bring. It's done now. We've been separated a while but as I say, he couldn't accept it. Now it's done.

I just feel absolutely terrible. So poorly and on edge. Kids are on half term and I can barely function.

I didn't want to go on tablets. I know what the problem is and that's him. My mental health I feel is ok - apart from the anxiety. My head is clear. I'm not heartbroken and crying that my marriage is over. I've done that part.

I don't wish any bad on him either - I think that's healthy. I hope he gets the help he needs for everyone's sake.

How do I shake the anxiety? Will it calm down eventually?

Today has been much better. Got more done around the house and feeling slightly more with it. Did trick or treating with ds and he didn't ask where his dad was. He was supposed to be joining us but after his latest outburst of abuse, that's obviously no longer possible.

I heard nothing from exh all day however when I checked the email before we went trick or treating, I had one from him saying he hoped we would have a nice time. I ignored that.

Then when we got back and I put ds to bed, I realised he had sent another which asks if I am sure our marriage is over. This is coming from the man who refused to leave my home after dropping ds off saying he was going to kill himself and it was my fault. I'm pretty sure I am done.

However I knew if I ignored this message, he would be angry so I replied with yes I was sure and I don't wish to talk about it further.

He then replied saying that was fine, he understood. He said 'I know you don't want to hear this but we need to file for divorce'. That's music to my ears! I said that's ok and I would sort it. We didn't need to communicate further.

He then sent me another email. This was the apology one however not really an apology. He says he knows he is wrong. He knew what he was doing was wrong but couldn't help it. He is truly sorry, there is no excuse....BUT a mixture of new anti depressants and lack of sleep was to blame. He's feeling much better now apparently - excellent news 🙄.

Everything had a 'but' or an excuse. It doesn't wash with me.

I replied and told him I don't wish to communicate with him over anything any is emotional and will only talk about practical things that need to be sorted. He asked if I would unblock him. I said no.

He replied with he understands and he will respect that.

That was the end.

There may be those who think I should just ignore. But that is honestly what will make him angry. Replying to what I need to reply too is helping. I'm making boundaries.

I think I've done ok today. I'm not sure what you all think but I've stood my ground.

Well first off, bloody well done on what you’ve achieved so far. You are, literally, superwoman.

Don’t feel bad that you don’t feel bad about the split. I’m not surprised you don’t. You sound well rid of the arsehole.

re getting back in control. Just one small thing - a drawer sorted out, some exercise, a phone call with a mate. Each day do something positive, no matter how small. Next day something else. Small steps create a bigger change.

Thank you so much!

This morning I feel slightly sick with heartburn. All anxiety from standing my ground. I could never ever really not let him have his own way in anything while we were together so I suppose actually saying no to him is new to me and a natural way to feel. To feel worried about his reaction for me standing my ground but also for me too!

I am such a huge people pleaser, thinking about myself doesn't come easily to me really.

But yes I think just having a small sort out each day would be good. I am usually super tidy and organised - clean house, clean mind really works for me but I think it's just an equal amount of remembering it's ok to just feel what I need to and stop everything but then I must give myself a kick up the bum and get on with it!

Still struggling today.

It's like life is boring without his drama.