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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner if 20 years says he will marry me to make me happy!

39 replies

nesskaine · 30/10/2023 08:57

I've been with my partner for 20 years we have a son together hes 14.
he proposed to me 17 years ago and for the past 5 years I've been asking to start planning our wedding.
At the beginning of this conversation he said he didn't want a abroad wedding were as i did so that put things on hold for 3 years because we couldn't agree with each other but now i believe it was a way he could get out actually getting married so then eventually he agreed to getting married abroad and i actually said we can get married in uk if thats what he really wanted but no he said he was happy to go abroad he priced it all up even picked the venue then for the past 2 years he has been saying when we have paid stuff off we will lay a deposit.. always excuses 🙄 so 2 months ago i asked him straight do you want to get married he replied yes then i said why do you want to marry me he replied too make you happy.. well i was devastated at his reply 😢 and now I'm feeling unloved unhappy and confused i don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Branleuse · 30/10/2023 09:02

You've been together 20 years and he's still around, so I don't think you can always equate not being bothered about marriage, to not loving you. It's important to you, that's ok. You can't make him feel the way you do.
Ask him why he keeps stalling since he knows it would make you happy? He obviously thinks you're a keeper if he's stuck around for 20 years and vice versa.

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 09:03

For goodness sake. You've been together for 20 years he is committed to you and wants to make you happy. He knows its important you. Nothing will change. Its just a ceremony you're being daft

Timeforchangeithink · 30/10/2023 09:04

Well what else is a reason to get married apart from making your other half happy?

Tbh honest you actually sound worse, hanging on 3 years to get married abroad then changing your mind when he finally agreed? Arrange a small intimate wedding for you both with a couple of witnesses. That's all you need.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/10/2023 09:04

Why are you upset?

Bedazzling · 30/10/2023 09:05

What is your financial situation? Because forget romance that is actually more important.

Planesplanesplanes · 30/10/2023 09:05

You’re over thinking this. Something will make you happy, he isn’t bother but he is going to do it to make you happy.

Sounds like you have some debt he wants to pay off first?

crumblingschools · 30/10/2023 09:06

Why didn’t you get married after he proposed?

What is your financial situation?

Vallmo47 · 30/10/2023 09:08

I understand Op. Being married matters differently to different people. I was with my husband for over 20 years before we eventually married - he was honest with me that he didn’t really mind either way but that if it was something I really wanted to do he’d of course want to as well. I’m sure that’s all your fiancé meant. The love and commitment is already there, he likely sees marriage as a piece of paper. I can say, hand on heart, that I feel absolutely no different about my husband since we married. I’m still glad we did it but bottomline is it doesn’t change a lot in terms of how you feel about one another. It is an important document to have though should anything go wrong.
Please don’t overthink this - I’d personally get married at a local register office and go away on holiday afterwards if I could afford to. Entirely your decision, good luck.

margotrose · 30/10/2023 09:08

You're being silly.

What's wrong with wanting to make your partner happy?

Mudflaps · 30/10/2023 09:09

Is he good to you and good for you? Does he normally make you happy? Is he happy? It may be that marriage doesn't mean much to him but he he realised it means a lot to you. Tell him how you feel, sounds like there's not enough communication happening

GnomeDePlume · 30/10/2023 09:17

We married because then DP knew it mattered to me even though at the time it didn't matter to him. We have now been married for 32 years and it does now matter to him.

fearfuloffluff · 30/10/2023 09:18

You have a kid and a 20 year commitment and a home together. That's equivalent to marriage.

Look up the legal difference marriage makes - it's a legal contract that affects pensions, inheritance, rights over property, ability to have a say on medical treatment for partner etc.

A wedding is more than just a party, forget the sentimental crap and decide if you want to be legally bound together.

LittleOwl153 · 30/10/2023 09:25

As PP say, at this point I'd be looking at the finances/legal aspects of being married. If it is advantageous to you to be married then I'd just to the register office and get it done. If it isn't financially advantageous and you are happy for your son / someone else to take responsibility as next of kin... then frankly I wouldn't bother.

I don't think he's insecure in the relationship, I suspect he just doesn't get it. But I certainly wouldn't be doing it to please him now if it doesn't make sense for you

TheHorneSection · 30/10/2023 09:25

GnomeDePlume · 30/10/2023 09:17

We married because then DP knew it mattered to me even though at the time it didn't matter to him. We have now been married for 32 years and it does now matter to him.

Ditto. He wasn’t bothered by getting married, had a bad example from his parents, but after we had two children and our finances started being different I said I wanted to get married for the safety net and he agreed because he wanted to make me happy.

What’s your actual issue here?

Paperbagsaremine · 30/10/2023 09:26

I get that there are all sorts of emotions running around OP, you see other women getting proposals and declarations of undying live etc and think WHY NOT ME, quite human and understandable.

That said, marriage is a financial and legal contract. So first, run the numbers, make wills and so on. Get POA sorted anyway.

Wills should be "made in contemplation of marriage to" each other or they become invalid once you do get hitched. If possible they should leave something directly (might have to be in trust) to the kids, to deal with the situation where a grieving widow/er remarries then drops dead without making another will and stepmum/dad inherits the lot.

Once you're happy all the financials and legals are locked down, book the registry office ASAP!

Having a wonderful wedding is great but a bit of perspective - I know a lot of women in my immediate family who had fantastic, lovely wedding days, but then regretted the marriage. Prioritise day to day wellbeing if you can!

LookingForPurpose · 30/10/2023 09:37

WHY do you want to get married? Is your pension less than his from raising your child? Is the house in both names etc?

Blueggsandham · 30/10/2023 09:41

As a pp said, what's the financial set up like? Will you be better protected or more vulnerable if you marry him? What will the impact be on inheritance tax? Because getting married is not going to make a difference to your day to day life at this stage, so you need to decide if its worthwhile for you.

EBearhug · 30/10/2023 09:45

I have friends who married recently after about 30 years - very quietly, midweek register office with just two witnesses. They've done it for the legal aspects, future inheritance etc. That's all that's actually needed. You could do that and have a big party another day.

NeedToChangeName · 30/10/2023 09:47

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 09:03

For goodness sake. You've been together for 20 years he is committed to you and wants to make you happy. He knows its important you. Nothing will change. Its just a ceremony you're being daft

Its just a ceremony you're being daft

It's so, so important people understand that marriage is a legal contract creating rights and responsibilities on both parents. It's absolutely not "just a ceremony"

Some choose to marry, some don't. But people should be aware of the implications of their choices

W0tnow · 30/10/2023 09:50

I think it’s actually a lovely reason!

Original poster

nesskaine · 30/10/2023 10:08

our financial situation is good we both work full time we have our money separate always have! we pay half each on everything although he does buy random stuff for instance hes just brought a sofa for 4k. He earns alot more than i do. I've always wanted to get married since being a little girl i want my wedding to be a special day for us but now after that comment it seems we are both not on the same page getting married for the same reasons. i really thought his reply would of been he wanted to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me i don't think i could marry him knowing that he is just doing it to make me happy.

OP posts:

Spottybluepyjamas · 30/10/2023 10:13

I think you're being a little dramatic. He is obviously committed to you, and wants you to be happy. Marriage just doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you. That doesn't mean that he's any less committed to you, and to be honest the fact that he will do it purely for your happiness is a huge indication of his love for you.

If it's important to you, plan it and then do it but don't get annoyed that the has a different opinion to you about it. He's allowed to think differently about a legality.

LizzieSiddal · 30/10/2023 10:17

He wants to make you happy, I think that’s a lovely reason to marry you. What did you want him to say?

Also maybe he doesn’t want the big “day”. What about just pooping to a registry office with two witnesses and getting it done?

rockinginarockingchair · 30/10/2023 10:17

I knew a woman that was with her partner for 26 years she wanted marriage he
didnt .
She wanted to say husband not partner.
They got married and everything fell apart a few years later now divorced.
She said she wished she never had done it all for the sake of a piece of paper and the word husband.
Every ones story is different.
My mother was the same had a good man but yet wanted marriage so bad it lasted 9 years he asked for a divorce it was like the marriage changed her from the day she got married thats all the poor man heard we are married you cant do that we are married your my husband we are married etc she lost a good man in the end.
Just becareful what you wish for.

TheHorneSection · 30/10/2023 11:13

He obviously doesn’t view marriage and/or a wedding in quite the same way as you. He’s not daydreamed of a special and romantic day, and that’s fine. Everyone is different! What matters here is he understands it’s important to you and so wants to make you happy.

The poor guy can’t win here, can he? Do you want him to lie to you and pretend he’s always dreamed of a big white wedding day? Are you willing to throw your toys out of the pram after 20 years because of this?

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