Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner if 20 years says he will marry me to make me happy!

39 replies

nesskaine · 30/10/2023 08:57

I've been with my partner for 20 years we have a son together hes 14.
he proposed to me 17 years ago and for the past 5 years I've been asking to start planning our wedding.
At the beginning of this conversation he said he didn't want a abroad wedding were as i did so that put things on hold for 3 years because we couldn't agree with each other but now i believe it was a way he could get out actually getting married so then eventually he agreed to getting married abroad and i actually said we can get married in uk if thats what he really wanted but no he said he was happy to go abroad he priced it all up even picked the venue then for the past 2 years he has been saying when we have paid stuff off we will lay a deposit.. always excuses 🙄 so 2 months ago i asked him straight do you want to get married he replied yes then i said why do you want to marry me he replied too make you happy.. well i was devastated at his reply 😢 and now I'm feeling unloved unhappy and confused i don't know what to do!

OP posts:
margotrose · 30/10/2023 11:23

i really thought his reply would of been he wanted to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me i don't think i could marry him knowing that he is just doing it to make me happy.

I really think you're reading way too much into this. Besides, marrying someone to make them happy is pretty sweet really - especially when you consider what a huge commitment it is.

firstmummy2019 · 30/10/2023 11:27

Why are you paying half of evetything if he earns a lot more than you? How much does he have in savings? Does he have any property he owns himself? The answer to these questions may reveal why he's not that fussed.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2023 11:37

nesskaine · 30/10/2023 10:08

our financial situation is good we both work full time we have our money separate always have! we pay half each on everything although he does buy random stuff for instance hes just brought a sofa for 4k. He earns alot more than i do. I've always wanted to get married since being a little girl i want my wedding to be a special day for us but now after that comment it seems we are both not on the same page getting married for the same reasons. i really thought his reply would of been he wanted to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me i don't think i could marry him knowing that he is just doing it to make me happy.

So you think he doesn't love you and he's just hung around because he's too lazy to move out? Or that if he wanted to leave he wouldn't have already or a wedding ceremony would stop him?

I get it wasn't the romantic answer you hoped but clearly, it marriage to him meant I love you and want to be with you, he'd have done it by now. Yet he Is STILL here.

But clearly you should ltb and find someone else to marry

Yetanothernewname101 · 30/10/2023 14:30

I think it's romantic that he loves you enough to marry you. Even if it's after 20 years.
We got married for no other reason than we discovered at A&E that I couldn't legally make any decisions about my partner. Or them about me, when I ended up being blue lighted with a failing liver thanks to gallstones.
Get the date booked, plan it all and have a lovely day.

NutellaNut · 30/10/2023 21:10

He wants to make you happy. That’s a good thing surely? After 20 years, if you are expecting passionate declarations of undying love and an over blown, Instagram-worthy proposal, I think you’re expecting a bit much in reality. Actions speak louder than words.

ComfyBoobs · 30/10/2023 21:15

It is your dream, not his. He loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you but probably has no interest in the planning or all the pomp and circumstance. That’s your thing.

The wedding is not the thing that counts OP. It’s a bit like focusing on your birth plan when that’s over in a matter of hours and then you have the rest of your life to spend with your child.

He is just trying to make your dream come true.

That’s a nice thing for him to do.

Don’t spoil it for yourself OP.

Saggypants · 30/10/2023 21:20

God forbid the guy should do something to make you happy.

I love my partner with all my heart and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Not too fussed about marriage either way but it's very important to him so that's what we're going to do. To make him happy.

I suppose he should be 'devastated'

Allthebestpeopleareabitmad · 30/10/2023 21:27

I know what you mean. My boyfriend of 20 years proposed in the most half-hearted way years ago, just to ‘make me happy’ and then never showed any enthusiasm for getting married. So underwhelming. He gets it from his parents who were totally cynical about marriage and it rubbed off.

Sashya · 30/10/2023 23:05

OP - ask yourself - is your childhood dream about a marriage - or possibly about a Wedding as a special day when you are in a white dress and made feel as a princess?
You are being really silly here. Your childhood dream is a Hollywood fairly tale image. And you are annoyed your partner doesn't share that fantasy. But it's because it is your dream, and men rarely fantasize about a Wedding Day...

Does 20 years of loving partnership not prove his love to you?

You seem like hard work, or just dramatic, maybe?

If marriage was this important to you - why did you move in together and had a child out of wedlock?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2023 20:14

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 09:03

For goodness sake. You've been together for 20 years he is committed to you and wants to make you happy. He knows its important you. Nothing will change. Its just a ceremony you're being daft

I agree

PonteMinchi · 31/10/2023 20:21

nesskaine · 30/10/2023 10:08

our financial situation is good we both work full time we have our money separate always have! we pay half each on everything although he does buy random stuff for instance hes just brought a sofa for 4k. He earns alot more than i do. I've always wanted to get married since being a little girl i want my wedding to be a special day for us but now after that comment it seems we are both not on the same page getting married for the same reasons. i really thought his reply would of been he wanted to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me i don't think i could marry him knowing that he is just doing it to make me happy.

I loved and love my DH, but I absolutely only married him to make him happy — it’s not something I wanted to do at all, which I’d always been very clear about.

But it was important to him, so nearly 21 years into our relationship, we did. My proviso was that it be no-fuss, just with witnesses. It hasn’t had any negative impact — our relationship was, and remains, strong and happy. I frequently forget we got married, and I have only the vaguest idea when our anniversary is. I remember the day we first kissed, though..

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2023 20:24

If either of you was that bothered you’d have done it years ago. You might have fancied the idea since you were a child but you had a child unmarried, bought a house unmarried, prioritised a ceremony abroad over being married.

Just book a date and get it done. He wants you to be happy, that’s not a mean thing.

You seem to be creating yet another obstacle by taking such issue with what he said. I wouldn’t blame him for finding it a bit hard work tbh.

Wildflower86 · 31/10/2023 21:47

I think ur over thinking it too tbh ... Tho I can be sensitive when my other half comes out with stuff like that...But I do think noverty of a wedding wears off a bit when been engaged for so long tbh....Maybe just speak to him there is probably other reasons why he wants to marry you...but this was just one of the many reasons...I thought it was rare to have such a long engagement....seems I'm not the only one...21 years and no date set yet for us too!

Dery · 31/10/2023 23:33

Totally this:

“If either of you was that bothered you’d have done it years ago. You might have fancied the idea since you were a child but you had a child unmarried, bought a house unmarried, prioritised a ceremony abroad over being married.

Just book a date and get it done. He wants you to be happy, that’s not a mean thing.

You seem to be creating yet another obstacle by taking such issue with what he said. I wouldn’t blame him for finding it a bit hard work tbh.”

And it is particularly striking that you seem to be finding reasons not to get married whilst claiming to really want it. Are you so sure it’s what you want?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread