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Original poster

Could this relationship work?

37 replies

Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 20:12

Interested to hear opinions on if you all think a relationship with these dynamics could work.

Dh works 7 days a week, spends occasional evenings once/twice a week watching a show on the sofa with me and dc or taking the kids swimming together. I am a sahm and do 95% of the dc raising and physical parenting alone.

today is Sunday, he left for work at 7:30am, it is now 8:15pm and he’s not back yet. I am by myself with the dc all day, took them to soft play, got lunch with them, back home and spending the day doing mommy duties and cleaning the home. They’re now in bed and I’m sitting here alone on the sofa. same as yesterday (Saturday) and this is a repeat of every weekend.

im curious to know if there are other couples with this dynamic? Is it quite common? I understand it’s typically the man that is the breadwinner in the family and I am more than happy (and lucky) to be able to raise my children and be there For them.

OP posts:
thelonemommabear · 29/10/2023 20:30

understand it’s typically the man that is the breadwinner in the family

Well firstly that's a really out dated view. At least 1/3 of women earn more than their male partners/husbands now

It's not a dynamic I would want personally - hardly a relationship if one person carries the entire burden of carrying the family financially and the other carries the entire load of child raising and you barely spend any time together just the two of you or As a family

But on the other side presumably he has to work to pay the bills to enable you to stay off work so in that position I'd find it difficult to complain about the set up unless I was prepared to go back to work myself?

Luckingfovely · 29/10/2023 20:35

I agree with everything @thelonemommabear said.

Also think - nobody could or should work 7 days a week on a permanent basis; it's not healthy and will lead to total burn out. Why does he not have one or two days a week off, like most of the best of the world.

I wouldn't put up with this scenario as I believe in and need more balance. But it's fine - if it works for you. That's all that really matters.

Luckingfovely · 29/10/2023 20:36

*rest of the world

Deedorito · 29/10/2023 20:37

I am just wondering what others think of my situation and to get some advice. I am a SAHM of two kids a two year old and and 5 year old. I am married for 6 years. Myself and my husbands intimacy went downhill when I got pregnant. We have been seeing a marriage therapist for a while trying to work on our intimacy and other issues. We speak openly about our feelings and my husband always says he will try harder and does for a week and he falls back into old ways. I’m getting really frustrated that things aren’t changing and I’ve done all the steps recommended by our therapist and nothing is changing. I feel like throwing in the towel. I feel like I have three kids instead of two. Today for example I’ve been asking for weeks to put the tv on a wall mount. I bought all the stuff for it and he decided to do it and spent all day doing it. When I went up to look it wasn’t cantered so when it was pulled out it was banging off the wall. I said thanks but I’d love it if you could centre it can that be done and he got really frustrated with me and took it out on the kids by making a smart comment to our son. I do all the cooking cleaning minding the kids etc and on the weekend he takes over and gives me a break but every 5 mins the kids are coming to me crying and I have to solve whatever issue is going on so he isn’t exactly giving me a break. I find my kids are way calmer when he’s at work and it’s actually easier if I just mind them and he goes to work. It’s gotten to a stage now that I’d prefer he went off on the weekend and did stuff so I can stay in my routine with the kids and they are calm. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I feel like I’m banging my head off a brick wall. Also I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and my husband has no interest eventhough he says he does in finding out ways he can help me. I put something somewhere and when I go to the drawer to get it it’s gone as he puts it somewhere else and that really drives my adhd nuts and he doesn’t get it. It’s super frustrating.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2023 20:39

Do I think it could 'work'? Sure, if both of you are sincerely happy with it. Is he truly happy working 7 days a week and hardly seeing you and his DC? Are you happy being a 'de facto' single parent? If so, then carry on.

I think you run more of a risk that he'll get burned out on working 7 days a week than you will being able to stay home and care for your children. Have you thought about that? Maybe a better work/life balance for him would be better for the overall chance for the success of your marriage. Something to think about.

Original poster
Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 20:48

He is self employed and has admitted he only needs to work 2/3 days a week, but he is obsessed with making money and running his business.

on the other hand, I am technically not a ‘sahm’ and have been working part time from home for the past year now.

financially we both contribute and money is not an issue on his side. Although I will say he only feels the obsession to work so much to secure a very good future and with hopes to eventually not have to work as much and enjoy life with the kids etc.

I can see he gets burnt out from work and equally I get burnt out from being the main parent and being so lonely.

OP posts:
obje · 29/10/2023 20:55

Would you be happier if he worked less and you had less total combined income?

Or

Would you be happier if he worked less and you worked more to contribute more?

If you were happy to either of these there are alternatives, but if you want to live a more comfortable lifestyle/have a more stable future with the income he's currently making that's the compromise

Duckingella · 29/10/2023 21:00

Sound like a workaholic man using work as an excuse not to parent their children or do their fair share of adulting at home.

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2023 21:03

@DeedoritoYou need to start your own thread.

Deedorito · 29/10/2023 21:05

So sorry new to this first time posting thanks.

Original poster
Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 21:12

obje · 29/10/2023 20:55

Would you be happier if he worked less and you had less total combined income?

Or

Would you be happier if he worked less and you worked more to contribute more?

If you were happy to either of these there are alternatives, but if you want to live a more comfortable lifestyle/have a more stable future with the income he's currently making that's the compromise

I know people will jump to the financial side of things but money is really not the issue here. He earns way more than needed and even IF he were to solely pay for every single bill etc it still wouldn’t really make that much difference. He has a great business and is just obsessed with making as much as possible.

although I am very appreciate that he works hard for our dc’s future, don’t get me wrong. I know he’ll be able to give them a future I wouldn’t be able to alone.

now dc are older I am getting back to full time work and have some interviews lined up. I guess when I am working that will take the mental load off a little and I won’t feel as lonely.

I agree it could work if we were both happy with this dynamic. I can see we are not. Although he loves his job and genuinely has fun at work, the mental load of running a business stresses him and it gets taken out on me. He barely talks when he gets home whereas I have been alone all day and wait for him to finally have an adult conversation, but I don’t get it.

He is now home, dc are in bed, I am sitting on the couch alone and he has gone to the bedroom and closed the door. The couch it will be for me tonight. I’m just not sure if this can work, can it work when we are both working full time?? Am I doing something wrong?

OP posts:
shardash · 29/10/2023 21:20

The couch it will be for me tonight.

Why? Does this happen often?

Zanatdy · 29/10/2023 21:25

Why can’t you go into your bedroom?

justanothermummma · 29/10/2023 21:27

As a couple that both work and as result are having to put children in childcare, I dream of being a SAHM.

BUT, with a husband who works 6 days a week (really hard too) he spends his Sunday playing football so we only ever get evenings together.

However, in the early days of our relationship, it was hard when he was away and busy, but the kids keep me occupied. I am tired too, but I'm present for my kids and it means the world.

Being home with kids is a job, it's work - even if it's a choice. As long as you both respect the idea of 'me time' then you're good.

Eventually the kids go to school, so you have time to recuperate, but as long as you can communicate to DH that if he has some annual leave, that he can split it with the kids, family time, rest and you time, you're good.

Partners who recognise each others challenges, work.

Original poster
Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 21:29

shardash · 29/10/2023 21:20

The couch it will be for me tonight.

Why? Does this happen often?

Yes unfortunately.

He told me not to sleep in the room tonight and proceeded to close the bedroom door.

I am un-phased and will gladly stay on the couch.

I feel we are both out of touch, he doesn’t see my struggles and it’s pulling us further apart

OP posts:
Menopants · 29/10/2023 21:30

Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 21:29

Yes unfortunately.

He told me not to sleep in the room tonight and proceeded to close the bedroom door.

I am un-phased and will gladly stay on the couch.

I feel we are both out of touch, he doesn’t see my struggles and it’s pulling us further apart

Show quote history

Nope this relationship is dead. I’m sorry you deserve more

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2023 21:33

He cannot tell you to sleep on the couch. Who is this man? He never comes home and then takes over the bedroom. This is not right. What is the point of making money to give your children a great future when they never see their dad.
I thought he was someone who gets carried away with work but the couch thing is completely out of order. Stand up for yourself and get a job as l have a feeling you will be showing this guy the door.

Tiredmum100 · 29/10/2023 21:34

Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 21:29

Yes unfortunately.

He told me not to sleep in the room tonight and proceeded to close the bedroom door.

I am un-phased and will gladly stay on the couch.

I feel we are both out of touch, he doesn’t see my struggles and it’s pulling us further apart

Show quote history

What the...? Your husband told you not to sleep in your own bed? Why the hell are you putting up with that?

Takenoprisoner · 29/10/2023 21:37

He told you not to sleep in the bedroom?? My blood run cold at that.

So he's not just a workaholic working towards a golden future for his family, he's a controlling man who has isolated you in your own home. This marriage needs to end

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 21:39

Why can’t you sleep in your own bedroom?
So the issue isn’t work, it’s that he’s checked out of marriage and parenthood?

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 21:41

How soul destroying to be shut out of a room you share with someone who is supposed to love you

Original poster
Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 21:42

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 21:39

Why can’t you sleep in your own bedroom?
So the issue isn’t work, it’s that he’s checked out of marriage and parenthood?

I mean even if I go in there he’s probably tell me to go out. My issue is that I won’t put myself somewhere that I’m clearly not wanted. So I’d gladly rather stay on the couch.

I guess you are right… he has checked out of the relationship and the parenting. I put it down to the fact he works so often and therefore doesn’t have the time for the relationship or raising the dc.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/10/2023 21:44

What the fuck? What's his excuse for throwing you out of your own bed?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/10/2023 21:48

Chicken or egg scenario, op. You say he's opted out of parenting and being part of a family because he works so much. What if he chose to work so much because he had ALREADY opted out of the family? Work is actually the more appealing option for him. How will that change your view in this relationship?

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 21:55

So he feels he has the right to kick you out if the bedroom. This is actually quite serious. He feels he has more right to the bedroom. He doesn’t respect you enough to ensure you are comfortable too.

He is nit demonstrating that he cares for you in the most basic sense

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