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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could this relationship work?

37 replies

Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 20:12

Interested to hear opinions on if you all think a relationship with these dynamics could work.

Dh works 7 days a week, spends occasional evenings once/twice a week watching a show on the sofa with me and dc or taking the kids swimming together. I am a sahm and do 95% of the dc raising and physical parenting alone.

today is Sunday, he left for work at 7:30am, it is now 8:15pm and he’s not back yet. I am by myself with the dc all day, took them to soft play, got lunch with them, back home and spending the day doing mommy duties and cleaning the home. They’re now in bed and I’m sitting here alone on the sofa. same as yesterday (Saturday) and this is a repeat of every weekend.

im curious to know if there are other couples with this dynamic? Is it quite common? I understand it’s typically the man that is the breadwinner in the family and I am more than happy (and lucky) to be able to raise my children and be there For them.

OP posts:

SkySecret · 29/10/2023 21:59

What basis is he kicking you out of the bedroom?! Have you fallen out? That’s bizarre…

My DP used to work 7 days a week when he was with his ex wife because he was miserable in the relationship. They practically avoided each other and lived like housemates that shared a bed. The marriage was dead. Now he has weekends off as we do things together and he has a reason to have that time off now.

Sadly it sounds like this relationship is over. Find something that makes you happy, life is too short to live like this.

Original poster

Fraler93 · 29/10/2023 22:15

SkySecret · 29/10/2023 21:59

What basis is he kicking you out of the bedroom?! Have you fallen out? That’s bizarre…

Sadly it sounds like this relationship is over. Find something that makes you happy, life is too short to live like this.

His oranges were not peeled for him when he got home (yes I am being serious), I hadn’t re-filled 2 water bottles in the kitchen (although I had already refilled 2 of his water bottles for him in the bedroom) and I assume that there was no food cooked when he returned.. although I batch cook containers of his food for the entire week so he always has cooked for on demand in the fridge to heat up and take to work.

He did not specifically tell me why, he just told me to not come to the bedroom tonight in which I replied a simple ‘ok’.

At this stage I am used to it and too far gone for it to bother me at the moment, even though I know it’s wrong. Let’s hope he enjoys the nice clean, fluffy new bedding set I put on the bed!

It can be hard for me, currently sitting alone and although I have been extremely overstimulated as a mother today, the silence is now deafening and even if I try to sleep there is a part of my brain that is not stimulated and can’t turn off yet. It is like I wait all day to see an adult, have my own time when the dc are sleeping and hopefully get some adult interaction but instead I’m here alone bored.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:25

Are you sure he's working every day?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2023 22:26

Takenoprisoner · 29/10/2023 21:37

He told you not to sleep in the bedroom?? My blood run cold at that.

So he's not just a workaholic working towards a golden future for his family, he's a controlling man who has isolated you in your own home. This marriage needs to end

Me too it's so mean

Unrealnotunrealistic · 30/10/2023 01:28

Oh Fraler, that is so cruel of him, and guessing that you are still young, you deserve so much better! Counseling at least but that’s going to sound alarming about unpeeled oranges and filled water bottles in different rooms to any counselor.

Unrealnotunrealistic · 30/10/2023 01:30

Actually, doesn’t matter how old you are, you deserve better.

RantyAnty · 30/10/2023 02:04

You're his skivvy, not a wife. He's making is crystal clear he doesn't like any of you except for the benefits he gets from you

See a solicitor next week and find out your rights.

loveramadan · 30/10/2023 04:09

He cannot tell you to stay out of your own bedroom. That's just so wrong.
Angry over unpeeled oranges? He doesn't care a cent about you. Surely you know that.

Do you have friends? If not try to make some even if it's hard. Don't wait for him to have adult conversations.

What a heartless man.

SkySecret · 30/10/2023 07:08

Oh my goodness, I can’t believe you’re still asking if this relationship can work! Get yourself out of there asap! I am seething for you!!

Luckingfovely · 30/10/2023 11:50

Yup. It's time to pull yourself together and take action. Get angry. Please don't waste any more of your precious on this absolute monster.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2023 13:51

@Fraler93

Goodness! Well, things are obviously NOT ok!! You aren't happy, and it appears he isn't happy either. And his behaviour towards you is terrible, kicking you out of your own bedroom. Would he consider marriage counseling?

Do I think it'll help if you go back to work full time? Certainly I think it will help you emotionallybecause you'll be 'out in the world again' with adult conversation and a feeling of being useful. But, and this is huge, what do you expect to happen on the 'domestic front'? Because it doesn't sound to me as if he's going to step up to do half the housework and half the 'child work'. Are you going to be content to work full time AND still be 100% responsible for the house and children? Will you (both) be in a financial position to hire in the needed household help to keep things running smoothly? Will he even be willing to 'go halfsies' or will he think it's your 'responsibility'?

You know, this is the very first time I've suggested this on MN based on just an 'are we happy' post with no 'suspicious evidence', but are you sure there isn't someone else?

Dotcheck · 02/11/2023 17:57

Anger over unpeeled oranges is giving me ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ vibes.

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