I've run out of sympathy, how do I not lose it?

[LucieLeicester]

Hubbie had a minor op. Its taking a few weeks longer than expected to heal + he is off work. I've been supportive but my patience is running out. He isn't in pain, he is bored. He takes his bad mood out on everyone. I try to suggest things to do but he is increasingly mean back. Yesterday, I suggested he take DS out to buy pizza + a halloween outfit. They had a horrible time + bought nothing. It felt like he wanted to prove it was a bad idea + punish us all by not buying pizza. I had to conjure a meal from the freezer.
Please give me some ideas how I can not lose it. Possibly even one-liners to feign sympathy! I probably only have one more week until he is back at work.

The underlying issues are too much to deal with here, so I'm trying not to get into it much. He is depressed + social isolated, the only thing he does in life is work. I have MS. He refuses to be caring towards me + avoids me on bad days. I just couldn't live with myself if I treated him the same uncaring way he treats me. I can't not care. Which is why I am so determined to try remain supportive during his illness, even if I have to fake it a bit. I know how hurtful the opposite is.

He's a dick to you when you're ill, a dick to everyone when he's bored...

You don't need to feign sympathy you need to find a solicitor.

Whose feelings came before yours when you were growing up? Ill parent? Demanding sibling? Distracted parents? Addicted parent(s)? Fighting parents?

I'm sorry to hear you have such a selfish and unsupportive husband. I don't think you should be using your energies this way, instead keep it to bettering your health. Like a pp has suggested maybe there is an underlying codependency here on your part. Try to separate yourself from him and his moods if you can and leave him to it, in another room.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

You don't need to give sympathy to someone who is bored.

Leave him to be bored, he'll find something to do.

That said I'd probably get a divorce! That'll keep the miserable fucker busy.

Doesn’t sound like there’s much to recommend this guy tbh, why are you with him?

Why stick it out with someone who is a miserable shit and who is unsupportive? If he can't even be nice to your child enough to manage getting a halloween outfit, what sort of childhood is he giving him?

If you've got tons of issues that you can't even bear to go into, surely it's time to quit?

He doesn’t deserve your compassion. Trying to keep this relationship going is pouring your energy into a bottomless pit.

He sounds like a miserable, nasty bastard. I'd stop doing anything for him and make plans to leave.

When he's being a cunt just try and ignore him and think happy thoughts about how lovely life will be without him dragging the family down.

Have you asked yourself why are you with him? What does he give you or your child because to the casual outsider it looks like he brings you nothing but disrespect and sadness. You need to love yourself more than you love him, he does nothing to deserve your respect, love or kindness.

I'd ignore him and leave him to it and maybe consider if he's worth it

I wouldn't worry about being supportive to the selfish, nasty turd. I'd go grey rock and every time he started whining and moaning, don't respond, don't try to fix things for him, don't suggest things for him to do, don't inflict him on your DC, block him out, walk away, make plans that don't involve him, move into a separate bedroom if possible or get separate beds. Try and live your life as separate from him as possible, just maintain a facade of polite indifference and start to see how it would feel to separate from him permanently.

Alternatively put a pillow over his head, tell everyone he has left and build a big bonfire for Guy Fawkes night, Wicca man style.
P.S. make sure his life insurance is paid up first.

Exactly this

He sounds awful and you deserve better. Life is so much better on the other side.

Why exactly shouldn’t you lose it? What on earth was his excuse for not buying pizza, it’s hardly a complicated ask - deliberate incompetence is so unattractive.

Have you informed him (in no uncertain terms) that he's being a prize prick who has no excuse for behaving badly. With examples if needs be.

Just btw, does he have any redeeming features?

It’s time to find your voice op. Why shouldn’t you lose it.
Tell him to take his bad mood and boredom out on someone else, you are done with it and his son doesn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his frustration when asked to spend a bit of time with the child.
He’s done it so you won’t ask him again.

Although I agree with the other posters wholeheartedly, I can see that’s not the questioned you asked.

I pretty much faked the last few years of my marriage. Not because he was depressed, ill or bored, but because he couldn’t bear it when his live in maid (me), had an opinion that differed from his own. It was mostly fear of his rages that helped me be fake.

You say it’s not in you not to care, even when it’s not reciprocated. I found being fake easier when I stopped having any good feelings about him. Being fake was an act of self preservation, would it help to think that way?

I also did the ‘say nice things” while at the same time thinking the opposite and inwardly thinking what a nasty fucker he was under my breath.

I warn you though, this does not help in the long run and will breed resentments and ultimately hate on your side.

You have multiple sclerosis and this scumbag doesn’t care about you and avoids you? Avoid him back, even harder and divorce the trash. Your kid deserves better than being taught this is what men are meant to be like.

Why are you letting him treat you and your children like this?

First response usually nails it OP.

You deserve better

Tell him to grow the fuck up or leave.

I have all the sympathy in the world for someone in pain.
I don’t have sympathy for someone who is using it as an excuse to be an arse.

I do think staying at home makes depression worse and if he can’t go back to work right now then he needs to be getting out every day doing walks at the very least.

Are his parents alive?

I would have a serious conversation with him about his attitude and that you are not going to put up with it.
I would suggest if it doesn’t improve then he goes and stays with his parents until it does.

What do you mean it's taking longer than expected to heal, but he's not in pain?

What exactly is wrong with him that means he can't go to work?

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant from what you've said about your MS, you really don't need to put up with that. Him being ill is irrelevant, he's nasty when he's completely well, from the sound of it.

I have MS. He refuses to be caring towards me + avoids me on bad days. I just couldn't live with myself if I treated him the same uncaring way he treats me. I can't not care.

I think he needs to hear this. Possibly not right now, but at some point, if you want to stay with him, you owe him the honesty and the chance to make changes.

If you're just biding your (short) time until you can leave then I'd take the approach that he's an unpleasant, demanding, pain in the arse customer/colleague that you have to be nice to for now even though you know he doesn't give a flying fuck about you, or even consider you (or your DC) as being human.

I'd also strongly suggest having a read of Melody Beattie's CoDependent No More as there are a number of hints of this in your post.
https://amzn.to/45N6w1X

Bored? Tell him to go back - packing for 10 years...