Finances and moving in… advice?

[Marshmalloween]

After two and a half years my partner and I are discussing moving in together. We’re both divorced a good few years and this is our first big relationship since.
We both own our own homes, his is mortgage free but I still have a mortgage.

His suggestion is that he rents his house out and moves in with me, giving me the proceeds from the rental as contribution to the bills for my place, which will probably cover the mortgage, council tax and heating/energy.

I love him and I trust him, but I feel like something isn’t right although I’m not sure what. My ex totally f*d me over financially during our divorce and I’m still really cautious as a result, but I feel like my partner (who earns around 3x my salary) is getting the better end of the deal here since he’s benefiting from moving in with me. I’m thinking that he still has “his” house whereas mine becomes “ours.” Had my fingers burned before.

Anyone been in a similar position?

I just want to protect my house. If that’s seen as baggage then so be it. I lost out that way before so it’s a lesson learned for me and if he wanted to walk away over me protecting the biggest asset I have then that’s up to him. I’m pretty sure he’d understand though.

As I’ve said already he is lovely, kind, generous and I think the world of him. The cleaning issue would easily be solved with a cleaner.

I just want to future proof because I didn’t do this before because at the time we were in love and you can never imagine a time when that would no longer be the case.

I don’t want to make money out of him! I agree with @YankeeDad that a certain amount of pooling would be equitable.

With his already 3x my income plus any rental, he could pay 100% of my bills and still not use any of his actual salary. I’m not asking him to do that.

He clearly does stand to be better off from this (as do I) financially. I just want to find a fair way of doing this while protecting myself in the long term.

Protecting your home is definitely not baggage!!! It is not only emotionally important to you, but it is rationally prudent and sensible on your part.

If you frame keeping your rights to your home fully intact and unencumbered as something you need to have in order to feel safe, then if he is as kind and loving as you describe, he should understand you immediately and with no difficulty, and he should have no problem entering a binding agreement that protects you. For example, maybe he could technically be a lodger, since I think it is relatively easy to kick out a lodger if need be. Or you could do something more custom.

Also, if you live together then the bills related to living in your home are no longer "my bills" -- unless his "lodger rent" covers certain bills they become "our bills". If he were to end up paying 75% or 80% of the bills and also paying you a sum equating to 75% or 80% of the theoretical rent for your place, you would actually not be "making money out of him" - he would just be making a contribution to your joint living expenses that is in proportion to your relative incomes, and hence fair. He would still end up financially better off than living on his own in his place.
Of course, with a proportional expense type of deal including imputed rent for your place, he should not also contribute 100% of his net rental income to the common pot, although that income would affect the percentage contribution. But conversely, it would not be your problem if the net rental income were low or negative: his share of joint living costs, including a contribution in lieu of rent, would be payable by him regardless. Importantly, "his net rental income" should be after deduction of any mortgage interest he pays on his rental property, but it should not be after deduction of any principal repayments, and also a floor of zero should be set for calculation purposes so that you cannot ever share in any eventual losses on his rental property.

At least that is my view on what fairness might look like. Please feel free to show this to him if it helps.

If it doesn't feel right don't do it!

If you want to live together why not buy or rent something new & both rent your current houses out? It's then a cleaner break if things don't work out

Interesting, I had not thought about it that way.

I have always been in the position of being the higher earner. I guess I was thinking that the lower earner might face an increase in their total living costs if they now had to pay 50% of the probably higher housing costs of the higher earner, if the higher earner has a nicer or larger or better located home. As the higher earner, I would want the lower earner to become better off.

Also, I guess I would personally see moving in with somebody as serious enough that the higher earner would want to take some steps towards equalising the standard of living between the two, without going as far as marriage, which entails a promise to sign over half of their accumulated assets if the marriage later ends.

In this example, it is all a little different since the higher earner would be moving into the home of the lower earner.