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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Desperate: emotionally abusive unstable OH

31 replies

Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 19:35

I think my partner's MH crisis is now turning into emotional abuse. I have 2 children in the house with me, he is shouting at me, being aggressive, he is 6 feet 4 and physically intimidating, he keeps saying I am to blame for everything and I need to look in the mirror but I'm not doing anything I am just standing here and taking it. He says I'm a complete fucking idiot, that I have to speak to the mortgage advisor myself as he will not waste any time doing it, he keeps saying he can't mention his MH as I dismiss it but I'm equally as fragile. Today he has looked after the kids as I have a heavy period and can't leave the house, now he's shouting at me saying he's looked after the kids all day while I've been in bed.
I hate my life.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2023 19:57

Its not you, it’s him and this is no life for your kids either. This relationship is over anyway because of the abuse he meets out to you, and in turn your kids.
I would also think his “MH issues” and emotional abuse are in fact one and the same, abusive men always state it’s the other person’s fault and never their own.

What does he mean when he states you need to speak to the mortgage advisor on your own?. I would take him at his word. What is the situation here re this property and finances. As you describe him as a “partner” I take it as read you are not married to this individual.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I would not hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened by him or unsafe at any point. At the very least you need to contact Women’s Aid as a matter of urgency.

OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:57

OP this definitely sounds like emotional abuse and the shouting is an intimidation technique. If you haven’t already then do some research on domestic violence, listen to some podcasts or Google it but make sure you go on private in case he sees your phone.

Call women’s aid, they will always be happy to discuss cases like this and they can advise you what to do and send you more info relevant to your specific circumstances.

I would be making plans to leave this relationship and take your kids with you. None of you deserve to be treated like this.

Look after yourself 🫶🏻

Mari9999 · 28/10/2023 20:18

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Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 20:21

My fragile mental state is due to being with living with someone with supposed CPTSD, who is emotionally abusive to me

OP posts:
brighterdaze · 28/10/2023 20:24

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This is a nasty response. Have some empathy.

billy1966 · 28/10/2023 20:27

You all sound unsafe.

Please call 101 and ask for advice.

Your safety and that of your children needs to be your sole obligation here.

I'm sorry things sound very hard for you.

Reach out for support to Women's aid and friends too.

MamaGhina · 28/10/2023 20:28

he is shouting at me, being aggressive, he is 6 feet 4 and physically intimidating
Call the police OP. You don’t have to wait for him to become violent. They will hopefully remove him from the property if you explain you are afraid and have your DC to consider.
Then while he is out start taking photos of all documents you need and formulate a plan to leave/get him out.

Milliemoo6 · 28/10/2023 20:28

What medical/professional support are you both seeking?

Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 20:32

He is in trauma therapy and on medication, I am just managing to keep my head above water for the kids on anti anxiety medication, to make things more complex our daughter is autistic. His behaviour is just wearing me down emotionally and he is impossible to reason with, whenever I mention anything it turns into an argument. As soon as I came back yesterday from being away from the week there was no food in the fridge for the kids yet he'd managed to get himself out to the shop to get more beers yet even that somehow turned into being my fault. It feels like abuse so I think it must be. I think I need to contact women's aid.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/10/2023 20:39

My DH has a MH breakdown - very severe anxiety including health anxiety.

It did make him emotional abusive and caused me to have an existential crises. I would fared much better has we split very quickly when it started.

Mari9999 · 28/10/2023 20:42

@Wornoutmomma79
If his behavior is getting you down , and you think that his diagnosis of supposed " CPTSD" is questionable , what benefit is coming from your living together? Surely, the reduction in tension alone is something from which you could all benefit. You don't need empathy; yoh need a solution.

brighterdaze · 28/10/2023 20:44

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is abuse.

Please reach out for support. I was in a similar situation. I found talking to a few people I could trust, letting my work know, attending a local support group and reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That gave me the strength to eventually get out.

It's hard but you can do it.

Milliemoo6 · 28/10/2023 20:45

I think you need to try living apart for a bit, is that possible?

Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 20:47

I have a solution, I have found a rental property I am hoping I can move into at the end of this month but we now have to work out how to fairly split the house which is causing more tension and I think a lot of the hate comes from him thinking I am abandoning him in what he says is the 'worst time of his life'

What I am doing is trying to protect myself and my children, is it ok to disappear to the shed and claim you are going to kill yourself? Is it ok to smash up a toaster out of pure rage in front of our children? How am I meant to cope with this while caring for my own sanity and my children's welfare?

sadly I have to remain in the house now putting up with this emtional abuse due to his rapidly deteriorating mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 21:12

It is yes, as long as it work out financially, I would quite happily live on my own and that is what we suggested in the start to give us both space but sadly I think as the reality of this hit home for him, instead of him realising this is the best solution for the children, he has now turned this against me to make out this is all my fault. How can I stay in such a volatile household with 2 children, there is no accountability on his part for how his MH is affecting our children, the blame is all on me. Even his own family don't understand why he is behaving the way he is but have commented that he is a 'difficult' man to live with and that I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 28/10/2023 21:14

I'd be concerned about your safety if staying until you move out. It's well known women are at the greatest risk when leaving and it does sound he is escalating his treatment of you. If he's also drinking more that's not a good mix and it's bound to get worse the closer to you moving out it gets (does he know about the rental and your plans?)

If you can't get him to leave or have him removed from the house, is there any way you can stay with someone else until your rental is available? I'm that's difficult with your children especially with one with autism but surely better to be safe than sorry. Also the longer you are there the more your kids will see of his threats and anger & physical violence.

Take care of yourself OP.

Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 28/10/2023 21:28

Thank you 🙏 yes he does know, we have discussed it, ATM we go from being civil one moment to not the next. I am 100% aware the situation is volatile and I have an exit plan, I can stay at his parents if I need to until the rental is available, it will be a lot of upheaval but as soon as I don't feel safe I will be gone

OP posts:
Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 29/10/2023 13:02

To top it all of I've just discovered that he's been visiting adult finder dating sites last week while I was staying with our children at his parents house. Is this normal? I feel really sick. I mean I know we are separating and we haven't been having sex but this still feels like a betrayal and it feels sleazy and dirty. He hadn't deleted any of the history on our iPad so it was easy to see. I don't feel like I know who he is anymore.

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 29/10/2023 13:08

I'm sorry @Wornoutmomma79 - it feels like a betrayal because it is. It doesn’t exactly smack of him wanting to put any effort into salvaging things.

Maybe he’s done you a favour by showing you who he really is so you don’t waste any more time on him.

Execute your plan and stay safe.

Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 29/10/2023 13:12

Thank you, I mean I know men have needs but the thought of him wanking off to some 'Milf" while I'm looking after our kids at his parents house makes me feel physically sick.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 29/10/2023 13:34

@Wornoutmomma79
Sometimes it is confusing when you start a discussion by saying that someone is mentally ill and yet you are expecting them to behave normally.

This often happens on MN. If I person has a professionally diagnosed mental illness, or a legitimate but undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, it seems somewhat unrealistic to expect " normal or typical " ibehavior under those circumstances. You would not be angry with a partner who had other types of medical illnesses, but it seems acceptable to be angry with people suffering from and behaving like people with mental illnesses.

It can be tiring and frustrating trying to cope with a family member with any type of health issue, but the anger often seems reserved for those with mental issue. Often times it is the illness itself that prevents the person from making what you think of as legitimate effects to change their behavior.

Clearly, you cannot live with this man, but are you really angry with him for being mentally ill?

Original poster
Wornoutmomma79 · 29/10/2023 13:46

I'm not no, but he is difficult to live with and has been for a long time, I am a person, a mother and I deserve happiness too. I have tried to support him the best I can but when I am left to cope with looking after our 2 children and try and keep my own MH strong there is only so much a person can take. If his behaviour during this MH crisis has been different, i.e not constantly going to the pub, being aggressive, shouting etc then I would be more empathetic, it's hard to write all the details in a few short posts on MN to get all the context. Now I've seen he's been on adult dating sites this is another thing for me to consider as I feel really disappointed and sick.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 29/10/2023 14:09

You can be supportive (though he doesn't necessarily 'deserve' it) but his mental health is the responsibility of him and the professionals working with him.

You already feel unsafe.

Please leave ASAP @Wornoutmomma79 , don't give him any more warning you're finally going if possible. Can a friend/relative come round and help you move out? Have as little to do with him as possible. Don't let him make you feel you have to change or delay your plan.

Ansjovis · 29/10/2023 15:43

You say that as soon as you don't feel safe you will be gone. Have you considered that by the time you reach the point where you feel unsafe, your children will have been feeling unsafe for some time? Your perception of his behaviour and the threat it poses is going to be so different from theirs, more so the younger they are.